To His Mistress, Thank You For Saving Me From My Marriage
You entered my world at a very critical point in my life.
I'd just lost my mother to her three-year battle with cervical cancer and recently welcomed my son. It was a bittersweet time in my life. I was looking forward to brighter days because the worst was behind me or at least I thought it was. . .
Then you came along - the mistress - wreaking havoc on my marriage, adulterating my holy union with the man I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. But alas, it would not be so. Trifling home wrecker, you'll reap what you sow, some women just have no respect, are just some of the things my friends said when they found out about you. I'm sure they meant no harm. They were just trying to be supportive of me, because that's what friends are for (singing in my Dionne Warwick voice).
Honestly, they were more interested in you than I was. I breathe a sigh of relief at the opportunity to finally get on with my life. They felt I should have been upset with you, that I should have been angry, pissed, that I should have called you up and given you a piece of my mind. Yes. I had an opportunity that one time I received an email request from you to view photos of my children that you could have easily gotten from my ex-husband. I knew you just wanted me to know that you were there, but I had no quarrel with you. I did not marry you; I did not make any vows with you. In my mind, you were a non-factor. The way I saw it, I could waste my time being upset and laying blame where it did not belong, or I could be a big girl and admit this is exactly what I wanted, embrace it, and fully appreciate my second chance.
In truth, I could not even pretend to feel any feelings of resentment towards you even when I felt I should and that I had every reason to; those feelings just would not come. They were not my truth. Although I feared what awaited me on the other side, I secretly thanked you and would have enjoyed an opportunity to show my gratitude for having rescued me from a situation that I did not have the courage to leave on my own.
Shame on me for staying for the kids.
Shame on me for staying for “stability."
I have no regrets.
You, my mistress in shining armor, were on your way to save me.
Truth is, I knew I was settling for a life that was not the one I had imagined for myself. I had bought into the American standard of someone else's dream. I have no doubt that my stress and lack of happiness was taking a toll on both my marriage and my quality of life. That marriage was destined for an untimely demise. I'm really good at pretending, but how long can the show go on before everything around you starts to fall apart?
Something was eventually going to give but I felt it could not be me because I just thought I had way too much to lose. And maybe I really did have too much to lose, and maybe the Universe heard me screaming for my freedom behind the gates of the cage I had built for myself and sent the perfect somebody to save me from sacrificing myself for what I perceived to be the greater good. I cannot blame you for the destruction of my marriage. One cannot be held responsible for the corruption of something that was already a hot mess in the first place. That is my very own philosophy. The straw that broke the camel's back only denotes a camel that was already under extreme pressure and duress in the first place.
When the highs are so high and the lows equally as low, when the relationship is flat lined, where do you go? I had plenty of excuses to stay and none good enough to leave. They all just seemed so selfish. You gave me a really great excuse! You made this less about me and more about my children, because they deserved better and I could no longer cheat them out of better by pretending that that marriage was the best version of better that I could provide for them. Even I know better than that.
That was no one's fault. There is no one to blame. If ever I did not believe in fate, today was not that day. So with this opportunity, I'd like to say thank you. Thank you for saving my life, and for freeing my soul. My appreciation for the role you've played is truly immeasurable. I cannot think of all that I have accomplished and all that I have to accomplish and all that I look forward to accomplishing without thinking of you and the series of unfortunate events that have brought me to this most fortunate point in my life.
People are often so quick to pass judgement in these situations, and I am not exempt, but you never know what one woman's indiscretions could be saving another woman from. I know there are others who will still say that this does not absolve you of what was done and it is not meant to. All I have to say is God may not forgive you, but you can be certain that I do.
Thank you.
Victoria R. is a sex positive and body positive queer, black writer. Black lives matter; body counts don't. You can find her blogging regularly at prettypinklotusbud.org about feminine sexuality, relationships, and spirituality.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com
- 'I Started Acting Like My Husband's Mistress—Here's What Happened' ›
- Truths Your Husband's Mistress Wants You To Know ›
- Yarra Valley woman Carlie Maree writes powerful letter to her ... ›
- 5 Things Wives Should Know About Mistresses | PairedLife ›
- Befriending My Ex-Husband's Mistress - The Other Woman ›
- How I Came To Identify With My Husband's Mistress | HuffPost ›
- 5 Things Wives Should Know About Mistresses | HuffPost ›
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Curate The Vibes With These Black-Owned Candles For Every Mood
Black women of the 90s and early 2000s had incense, and Black women of today are fully embracing our luxury candle era. Candles have become just as important as our perfume selections, and as a luxury candle connoisseur, I keep all of my favorites in stock in my storage closet.
Whether you’re moving out for the first time and want to try new scents or looking to set the mood for a self-care day or sexy evening, consider these Black-owned candle brands to curate the vibe you’re looking for.
If You’re Feeling Bad & Bougie
The Original Candle
If you’re the bougie friend of the group, this candle is for you. Hanifa has become a staple luxury brand; with celebs like Tracee Ellis Ross, Jennifer Hudson, Naomi Campbell, and Danielle Brooks seen in her designs, they have become everyone's favorite brand. They recently launched their first candle, The Original. The candle is infused with notes of mandarin, orange blossom, caramel, sandalwood, jasmine sambac, and vanilla.
When Wash Day Comes...
"Wash Day" Candle
Cavo
Need some inspiration to get up and section that hair so you can get to washing? Not to worry. This pineapple, mango coconut milk, and sugar candle will have your house smelling as good as your favorite conditioner.
Wellness Girl Necessity
Sunday in Brooklyn Candle
If you’re a girl who loves clean scents that clear the energy in your home and feel like the best Sunday you ever had, you need this candle. Infused with wild basil and lemongrass, it’s guaranteed to help you find your zen.
For Sunday Brunch If You’re Hosting
Champagne Showers
Champagne Showers is the perfect candle for a birthday celebration, Sunday brunch night in, or toast to your next big win! The candle includes a blend of bright bergamot, peach fizz, and creamy woods. It’s a bubbly fragrance that’s as sophisticated as our girl, Jackie Aina.
After You Listen To SZA
"After A Good Cry" Candle
Cavo
Let the tears flow, and let the healing begin. This rainwater, lavender, vanilla, and bean and bourbon candle is just what the doctor ordered if you’re getting over a breakup. But once you’re done crying, just remember you're worthy of much more, okay?
For The Lover Girl Era
"Love" Luxury Candle
If you’re done crying and have found the one you’ve been waiting for, let this candle burn as warm as your love for your new boo. Harlem Candle Co.'s "Love" fragrance represents a dramatic, romantic theme with both masculine and feminine accords melding beautifully together, infused with crisp apple and watery green notes.
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