From TMZ To Access Hollywood Live: Nina Parker Is Proof That It's Never Too Late To Follow Your Dream
It was 2007. Nina Parker—depressed and tired of answering phones as a call center agent for Verizon Wireless—cashed in her two weeks worth of vacation the following day, and drove to Los Angeles from Sacramento with a few thousand dollars in the bank and no place to live.
At 27 years old, she was starting over.
“My mom was like, 'You know you don't have to do this. You're in your 20s. You have a degree'," Parker says. “I wasn't married nor had kids. She was like, 'I don't understand why you're suffering everyday.'"
It's not that she was completely unsure of her passion in life. She grew up turning cardboard moving boxes into television sets, interviewing fellow classmates about their thoughts on drugs, and gaining valuable experience as an intern at a local news station. The San Francisco State graduate even had a job offer right out of college at NBC in Las Vegas, but turned it down in hopes of snagging a coveted gig as a MTV VJ. She packed her bags for New York City but quickly learned that a degree isn't a guarantee for immediate success.
Photo Credit: Nina Parker
“I was fresh out of college, arrogant, and they were like, 'Girl, you don't have any experience to do anything like that'," Parker says. It's hard to believe that the Access Hollywood contributor who got her big break as one of TMZ's first on-camera talent once struggled to find a job and shied away from the camera.
Hustling Hard
Parker arrived in L.A. with a dollar and a dream and was working as a temp in television when she got word that a new celebrity gossip site was hiring. Without hesitation, she submitted her resume despite her lack of experience working in entertainment news, and was offered a position as a runner. At the same time she was also up for a full-time opportunity with Paramount, who she had been temping for, but despite the pay being more, she chose the position that appeared to be less logical.
"I had to go where I felt I was going to be the most true to myself."
“At the time it was half of the money that I was making being in a corporate job, and I was like I want to do this because it spoke to my spirit to be there. I had to go where I felt I was going to be the most true to myself. I had decided when I moved to L.A. that I wasn't going to let money be a deciding factor for anything. I was okay with struggling for the short term to get a long-term goal that I knew would pay off later," says Parker.
A couple of weeks into her new gig, Parker was fired. “I was a horrible runner," she says. “I was really late with tapes and I didn't know most things Angelenos knew so I was really slow. Harvey [Levin] basically fired me and said that I didn't know where I was going, so I went to the bathroom and I cried."
Her instinct—and her ego—told her not to give up. After apologizing to the managing editor and expressing interest in writing and producing, she was brought back on as the writing PA, and within four months was promoted to producer. But it didn't come without its sacrifices. Working in a start-up entertainment company meant 12-hour workdays, including weekends and holidays.
“I didn't have a line for how hard I was willing to work," says Parker. “Sometimes people turn that switch off like I only want to work 40 hours a week, and to me if you're chasing a dream, you're always working on your craft. If you're not at a job all day, you should do something that day that benefits your craft. If you can outwork people, you're already winning because there are a lot of people who are really smart that aren't where they're supposed to be because they refuse to put in the work, and it's not going to be 40 hours a week."
While she excelled in her new position, Levin had another plan for the humorous and outspoken Parker, and found her to be a perfect candidate for the TMZ pilot show that they were shooting. But Parker, still battling with the insecurities of her 70-pound weight gain during her time in Sacramento, politely declined.
“I was very insecure, and basically you have this little Jewish man giving me this Black power speech where he's like, 'You have a voice, there's other black women that need to hear you, I think you can relate in a way that people understand. You're not afraid of me. You like to debate, and we need you on the show so I'm not really asking you that was just a courtesy, you're doing it.'"
Photo Credit: Nina Parker
As Levin predicted, Parker was a star in her own right, breaking stories and being a part of a new wave of reporting where people no longer relied on traditional television for their entertainment news—even if it meant spending 12-hour days outside of courthouses and hospitals hoping to be the first to catch a celebrity-sighting.
“I had gone from having to clock in and out to use the bathroom to being able to be free and do something that was entertainment," Parker says. “I'm bringing back this tape that's being watched by millions of people, so it was enough to motivate me to stay on that path. It was a crazy job to be coming out of Verizon Wireless, but it was refreshing to me after feeling like I wasn't in my purpose to now feeling like I wasn't doing what I wanted to do 100% but I knew I was on the path."
The Glow Up
Before hitting the set of Access Hollywood, Parker takes a few minutes to get her hair and makeup touched up, but she remembers when just a few years ago she couldn't afford to even get a touch up because her hustle was more important than her hair.
“Oh I died, I died!" she says with a laugh, sharing that she often sacrificed being social while living paycheck to paycheck. “It was hard. I had moments where I was at a check-cashing store."
Having a minimal budget meant that she had to get creative, such as hosting game nights with friends in lieu of going out, and finding side hustles to help make ends meet. “Ultimately I started getting involved in other projects and so it was like now I have multiple streams of income, so gradually it just got better and better. The buildings went from a bad neighborhood to a gated community. It definitely changed, but I had to be patient."
Parker's patience paid off as she began to build notoriety as a face of TMZ. But after five years, it was time for a change. She left the show in May 2011 without a job or an agent, but she did have valuable relationships that she had cultivated over the years. After taking time off for the summer she reached out to a Vice President at CBS through social media, who informed her that The Insider was looking for an Internet reporter. By the fall, she had secured a new contract.
"If you're good to people and they see you working hard, they give you opportunities that not everybody would have."
“This is why you have to network because in the real world you can't just hit up the VP of a network. If you're good to people and they see you working hard, they give you opportunities that not everybody would have."
While the position required Parker to be the face of their website, Parker made it her mission to also be involved in the television meetings, where her unique perspective as a woman of color caught the attention of the higher ups, who began booking her for shorter segments before offering her a television correspondent contract just a few months into working with the show.
“Sometimes you have to go in a place and if it's not necessarily the job that you want initially, you have to create it. You have to meet with the people inside and get them to respect you with your opinion and your work and you're able to translate that into something that pays off in the long run."
Photo Credit: Nina Parker
After a couple of years she left The Insider and went on to host the Love and Hip Hop: Atlanta reunion as well as begin contributing to Access Hollywood Live. But more visibility also meant more criticism. “They're like who is this girl think she is as if being curvy eliminates me from having an opinion? As if a gap in my teeth means I'm less intelligent. As if because I don't have makeup on means I can't be passionate about my people."
It forced the woman who was once too shy to be in front the camera to turn her insecurities into empowerment. “I was like I don't care what this person says. I'm going to be on your TV and I'm going to tell you how I feel," she says. “You can say whatever you want, but every time you turn on the TV at this time you're going to see my face and you're going to hear my take. I can't imagine allowing the opinions of people I don't even know to affect my day to where I can't function properly. I wish I would let a stranger have that much power over me to determine my success. You're going to watch me get all of these checks."
"I can't imagine allowing the opinions of people I don't even know to affect my day to where I can't function properly."
Standing her ground and being a voice in an industry where women of color are few has given Parker a new purpose.
“I didn't have a lot of black women in this industry, as far as television news, that I could look up to and be like I want to do that. So, for me, it was important to be like, 'We don't have to get on TV and agree with everybody else. We don't have to agree with mainstream media, we don't have to placate anybody.' You can come and say what you have to say if you have a strong opinion and not offend anybody and give them a different point of view to look at. My experience, that's all I can speak about. I can't speak about a white experience. I had people in the community tell me how proud they were that I held my own."
Staying true to who she is and her vision has opened doors in ways she only once dreamed about. This year, you can catch Nina as a guest host on E!'s The Daily Pop and covering red carpets at The SAG Awards, Grammy's and more.
For someone who pressed the reset button on her career at a time when many are just settling into their positions, Parker is proof that there is no age limit to finding and walking in your purpose.
Kiah McBride writes technical content by day and uses storytelling to pen real and raw personal development pieces on her blog Write On Kiah. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @writeonkiah.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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