Confessions Of A Fashion 'It' Girl: "I Am Obsessed With Thrifting"
One thing I've learned when it comes to fashion and budget is if you can't afford it, don't trip. Just thrift! I grew up middle class. My parents --both from Haiti, migrated to New York before I was born. They were a poor, young couple but eventually made ends meet, so I'd say by the time me and my four siblings came into the picture, we were skimming the lines of middle class. I get my "Broke with Expensive Taste," approach to styling from my stylish dad. I can remember his unique pairing of his blazers and ties, and his incredible Tom Ford cologne.
As a child, my dad made sure we had clothes on our backs- and I mean the designer kind! He worked in the high-end department store Bloomingdales on 59th and Lex which granted him access to discounts (even on sale items). This of course allowed a young me to remain decked in high end clothing like Moschino, Guess, Calvin Klein, I.N.C., Stella McCartney- you name it. However, if I wanted to remain 'F' for Fly, I definitely had to be on my "A" game! My dad's only request in exchange for looking my best was that I bring home good grades. Sounded fair enough! Too bad back then I couldn't fully appreciate my high-end clothing at the time since I had grown so used to it. Back then I had no idea all these major labels I was clothed in.
However, my fashion life would change when I started thrifting, which I actually got into by accident. One day a quick trip running errands with my mom turned into me stopping in front of my first thrift shop. My mom is a "save every single dollar to the last penny-penny pincher," she always found great deals on clothing. I admired that.
(Dress $12 from Brooklyn Thrift Shop)
Being one for a good sale, my mom stopped to look through a clothing rack parked outside of a Brooklyn thrift store. This was the 90's now, and I'd never seen a store like this. It wasn't bourgeois like a Macy's or a Bloomingdale's, but more so a dope mash up of various clothing closets all in one. My mother turned to me, frozen in my awe and asked the question that would change my life (and style!) -- "Alex, do you want to go in?" I replied "Yes!" and the rest, as they say, was fashion history!
I started thrifting by my junior year of high school, when my parents could no longer afford to expense my wardrobe and buy me clothes. "Thrifting" is the art of shopping around from store to store for discounted fashion finds, usually of the previously-owned kind, many of which can be a vintage "steal of a deal!"
In the 90's I'd go thrifting in Brooklyn, especially Brighton beach. You have no idea what $20 could buy back then! It was insane. But this is also where the creativity took place. I had to learn how to wear my high-end designer clothing with my thrift finds and make it all look current. I could wear a pair of jeans three consecutive days out of the week and no one ever knew.
In the 90's, I usually found shirts for $1, $5, and $8, and because I purchase so many at a time, they give me a discount, leaving me with a few bucks left to shop some more! I purchased a lot of my thrift finds in Brooklyn and Manhattan. As I got older I'd go to Long Island and Queens there awesome places to thrift as well.
You can find a lot of designer stuff thrifting. Like awesome pieces that will never be replicated. You also have to be open-minded and hella creative because thrifting isn't easy... so patience is key! You literally have to dig through racks of things and kind of figure out how to bring some pieces to life with cool accessories, shoes, hats and handbags that you may already have at home.
Thrifting isn't easy so patience is key. You definitely have to develop an eye for it, because you'll almost never find your size. I'm an 'XS' and I can assure you everything I've purchased at thrift stores has been a size 8 ranging to a 14. but, I make it work!
Thrifting became a way for me to separate myself from the crowd. In high school everyone's style was all the same, almost uniformed. I hated it. I thought to myself "this is style?!" People call this "getting fly or best dressed?!" So I rebelled and did my own thing.
This is a denim Gap jacket that I found at the thrift shop for $8 bucks and the shorts were $5 bucks. What a steal! I paired them with my Jordan 3s and a simple white button up! Comfort x 10
My androgynous style started with always wearing my brothers clothes because at the time (90's) baggy clothes were in style. I even wore my dad's button ups! My dad hated it and continued to purchase these high end women Moschino clothing, Ralph Lauren, Donna Karen, Guess, Polo, Tommy Hilfiger etc. hoping his precious daughter would outgrow this "Tomboyish" style that she single handedly OWNED.
The in-crowd couldn't understand me and I could never reveal my secret. 'Where did u get that top?! Why did you get the white Jordan's instead of the red ones? Where did you get that necklace from? That's an amazing backpack, where is it from?!' Thrifting became my thing, my outlet.
I've seen people wear trends that they didn't like. Their reasoning with wearing this "trend" was because it was "in." Thrifting became a way for me to escape these "trends" and what's popular. I NEVER cared for those things.
I naturally have a pretty healthy imagination --thrifting helped fused my imagination and creativity together
I'm 100 percent all about individuality.
Here are three of my frequent places I thrift in New York:
L Train Vintage -- 1377 Dekalb Avenue, Brooklyn, NY 11221
Arthritis Foundation Thrift Shop -- 1430 3rd Ave, New York, NY 10028
Housing Works - Soho --119 Chambers St, New York, NY 10007
Happy Thrifting!!
All images courtesy of Alex Douby
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
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Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images