What No One Tells You To Expect After Seeking Therapy
“What purpose does a therapist serve?"
This was just one of the many real-life responses to my decision to seek professional help to address my ongoing battle with depression a few years ago.
The palpable reactions of concern and distrust from loved ones honestly didn't surprise me, but it would've been nice to have a heads-up on some of the unexpected changes that occurred immediately after I began what I like to refer to as my “couch confession sessions."
Instead of an instant life-fixing prescription, I received homework assignments that for the first time, I couldn't haphazardly complete with an all-nighter, faced loved ones who openly doubted my therapist's advice, and dealt with the stress of relationship changes induced by my desire to heal with a stranger's help. Basically, therapy came with a ton of fine print and I wasn't prepared to read.
If you're considering therapy, here are 7 things you can expect to happen after you take that first step to psychological betterment:
Progress won't happen overnight.
Me waiting on progress.
Now that you've started therapy, your inner badass will instantly emerge from its cocoon to whip your life into shape with Iyanla-like precision, right? Sorry to disappoint you beloved, but that's not exactly how this works.
Maybe it was a combination of desperation and extreme anxiety, but I was convinced that my first few sessions would yield instant results, much like an hour-long TV series co-signed by Oprah. In reality, there isn't a quick fix for deep-seated issues that have already had a literal lifetime head start on your attempts to resolve them. Embrace therapy as an ongoing process and realize that that in itself is progress.
The first therapist you see may not be a good fit and you might be tempted to give up.
Seriously, your therapist could be a really bad fit for you.
If your therapist is habitually late, monopolizes the session with personal stories or makes snap judgments before you're halfway through your back story, don't be so quick to forfeit your peace of mind to settle into a lifetime of dysfunction. We've heard horror stories about ineffective therapists, which can be a major turnoff to those who are already resistant to the process.
Instead of allowing a bad experience to completely derail your efforts, commit to going the extra mile for the sake of your well-being. Put the same energy into finding a therapist who fits your needs as you would into perfecting your bantu knot outor hustling your way to boss status.
Friends and family will challenge the process.
While the guiding light of therapy slowly illuminates the pathway to a promise land free of generational curses and self-destructive mindsets, some loved ones will struggle to support your self-care journey. For instance, your parents could view therapy sessions as a direct insult to their child-rearing skills (they raised you right, didn't they?), or your spouse might take the slow-paced progress as a sign that you're simply wasting time and money on an overpaid professional coddler. Meanwhile, your bestie is perpetually side-eyeing your counselor (because she's pretty sure she knows you better than anyone else).
Even if the sentiments of those closest to you seem to come from a place of genuine love and concern, it's been my experience that the less you share about your sessions with trusted relatives and friends, the better. I found that listening to too many opinions confused me and interrupted my progress. As someone who loves to share experiences and life lessons, this was a challenge for me, but it inevitably reinforced the benefits of having access to an unbiased individual who keeps ego and personal ideologies out of the equation.
You'll come to enjoy therapy.
Staring down your innermost issues in the presence of a professional doesn't exactly sound like an event to be overly excited about, but I found myself looking forward to therapy and even feeling a bit sad when I went from weekly to monthly sessions to eventually none at all.
Aside from the opportunity to partake in guilt-free venting, one major benefit of therapy is that it provided an outlet in which I put my needs before everything else without the risk of being labeled self-centered. Over time, I amassed a personal collection of go-to problem-solving techniques to address issues major and minor, and I gained a deeper understanding of myself, my behaviors and most importantly, what stood between me and mental soundness.
Your listening skills will improve.
If your pre-therapy approach to listening was of the Kanye West “Imma let you finish" variety, then you might be surprised to find that you can now patiently hear out that friend who complains about being in love with a man who's bad in bed without feeling the need to interject an unsolicited assessment of the issue at hand, along with the solution that trumps all others.
One of the most gratifying feelings I had after leaving therapy was the sense of knowing that someone heard and acknowledged what I had to say in a manner that reinforced the validity of my voice and my story. I wouldn't compare my listening skills to that of a therapist, but I'm noticeably more cognizant of when someone's in need of an ear instead of verbal input.
You'll become more understanding and less judgmental.
Several of the issues I addressed in therapy had to do with my core belief that I didn't deserve to be protected, a falsehood cultivated by the environment in which my parents raised me. For years, I harbored resentment towards my parents and blamed my internal struggles on the ways in which they failed me as a child. But in learning to show myself compassion, I realized that my parents likely inherited the unhealthy habits and behaviors they passed onto me from their parents and their surrounding environment. In short, they suffered damage at the hands of their predecessors just like I had, and the way I coped was simply a reflection of generations past. Judging them harshly was the same as me judging myself, which blocked the road to a deeper understanding.
Some sessions will leave you emotionally and mentally exhausted.
While I will relentlessly sing the praises of therapy to anyone within earshot, there's no getting around it: Therapy will kick your ass. It's basically like taking part in the most intense boxing match ever, only you're the reigning champ and the challenger. If you're completely open to the process, it leaves you no choice but to face the deepest, most vulnerable and flawed parts of yourself, which for some, can be a downright frightening experience.
That said, give yourself some extra compassion if therapy and all that accompanies it leaves you feeling winded, hopeless and cursing the day you signed up for this dreaded task of inner demon-slaying. Right now, you're putting in the necessary hard work and if you stick to the program, you'll eventually develop the mental and emotional muscle to flex on your future problems before they have a chance to take you out.
Featured image by Getty Images
- What to Expect During Therapy » Department of Clinical and Health ... ›
- What Will Happen in my First Therapy Session? ›
- What to Expect During Your First Therapy Session ›
- What Really Happens in a Therapy Session | Psychology Today ›
- 7 Things You Should Know Before Your First Therapy Appointment ... ›
- What to Expect in Psychotherapy | Psychology Today ›
- What to Expect at Your First Therapy Session | Teen Vogue ›
- What to Expect in Your First Counseling Session | Psych Central ›
- Going To Therapy For The First Time? Here's What To Expect ... ›
- A Beginner's Guide To Starting Therapy ›
- Finding a Therapist Who Can Help You Heal: Getting the Most out of ... ›
- 8 Signs You Should See A Therapist | HuffPost ›
- 5 Signs It's Time to Seek Therapy | Psychology Today ›
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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