This 10-Day Detox Taught Me A Major Key About Winning
I stopped dieting and calorie-counting a few years ago. I realized that my attempts to slim down were rooted in self-loathing rather than self-love. I knew that the only way to combat that was to truly love myself — as soon as I did, I learned that my size was perfect for me.
One thing I never shied away from, though, was healthy living. Instead of fad-dieting — like I had done so many times in the past — I was simply eating better, consistently. Not for weight loss, but for health purposes. A few years into my (relatively) new healthy lifestyle, my brother started raving about a green smoothie cleanse he'd been doing. He wanted me to get on board and spoke highly of the benefits, but since I had already given up fad diets, I rebuked his idea. I didn't want to lose weight, so this challenge wasn't for me. That was until December 2018 reared its ugly head and I realized I needed a reset for my body.
This coincidentally was the perfect time; ending the year with fresh insides seemed like the best way to end a crappy year (no pun intended). After months of coaxing, my brother won: I agreed to do this cleanse. As soon as I received the information and reviewed the recipes, I trekked to the grocery store to buy what I needed.
The cleanse was straightforward. Each day had its own 72-ounce smoothie recipe. Each recipe included fruits and vegetables, along with ground flaxseeds, protein, and any other health food additives you wanted to throw in the blender. This was coupled with drinking daily detox teas (I opted for the Yogi brand). I reviewed the 40-page packet thoroughly so I knew what to expect.
Though hesitant, I was ready; I started bright-and-early on Monday morning.
Days 1-3 Of The 10-Day Green Smoothie Cleanse
The information packet suggested that these would be the hardest days of the cleanse. Participants were instructed to start slow if necessary, weaning ourselves off food one meal at a time. On the first day, we were to replace our breakfast with a smoothie; the second day, our breakfast and lunch; and the third day, our breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I was ready to jump in, so I started Day 1 strong — having a smoothie for breakfast and lunch and grilled chicken for dinner. By the second day, I was totally on smoothies, with the exception of approved snacks (unsalted nuts, fruit, tuna, grilled salmon, and boiled eggs). I was off to a great start.
Days 4-7 Of The 10-Day Green Smoothie Cleanse
After my initial high of mastering the first three days, my doubt began to kick in. Though the recipes were good, I was growing bored with them and tired of the mess smoothie-making was causing each morning. Despite all this, I pushed on. Still following the recipes, managing my snacks, and experiencing how my body was ridding itself of the toxins I had consumed all year. I began feeling a noticeable change in how I felt physically, and once I got over being grumpy, there was a change in how I felt emotionally too.
Days 7-10 Of The 10-Day Green Smoothie Cleanse
There was no turning back as day seven approached. I was too close to the finish line to turn back now, though I really wanted to. Days one through three garnered no cravings, but these last three days I wanted any and everything. I was in the thick of holiday party season, and hearing food menus took me over the edge. I sent a few "I'm going to cheat" texts to my friends who quickly got me together and reminded me of my own strength. My body had begun visibly transforming by this point; I refused to mess it up this close to the end. (Honesty moment: I did cheat on Day 8, and boy was it worth it!)
By the end of the cleanse, I felt less bloated, had loads more energy, and was down 2.5 inches around my waist (without exercising). I was also — surprisingly — happier. I felt much lighter, physically and emotionally, and knew that completing this cleanse was the best way to end the year. However, the cleanse didn't just recharge me physically and emotionally, it provided a life lesson I didn't realize I needed.
Participating in this 10-day Green Smoothie Cleanse taught me how to win at life (and everything else I choose to conquer).
When I first considered doing the challenge, I read the lengthy packet and became immediately discouraged. Not because the content was discouraging — I'm sure it was meant to be exciting and uplifting — but because the cleanse itself seemed like too much. I wasn't disciplined enough to complete something like this. I wasn't focused enough to really stick with it. As I read the instructions "I can't do this!" echoed in my head. I had never tried anything like this, but for some reason, I just knew I couldn't do it.
I considered all the factors that would prohibit me from completing this cleanse: "It's the holiday season," "I received too many party invites," "I have a fridge full of food that needs to be eaten," "I can't not chew anything for 10 days," "I just ordered coquito." Any excuse I could conjure up, I used to talk myself out of the cleanse before I failed at it. Before I even tasted the first smoothie, I was discounting my ability to complete the task at hand. I was excusing myself for my shortcomings before I even fell short.
I was prematurely counting myself out.
I realized that in order for me to actually do this, I couldn't do that. I couldn't tear myself down before I began. I had to trust myself enough to stand firm in my commitment. Too often we sell ourselves short before we have the opportunity to prove ourselves…to ourselves. We get a new job and are instantly worried that we won't measure up. We explore school options but become immediately anxious that we won't be able to handle the workload. We get engaged then become fearful that our marriage may end in divorce. We start new friendships and worry that those new friends will betray us. We draft an email and figure that no one will even respond. We experience any level of growth, and become concerned that we won't be able to sustain it.
These thoughts creep into our minds and stop us dead in our tracks. We think we've done ourselves a favor by preventing failure, before we actually fail.
That's not a favor, though — that, in itself, is failure. Not trying. Giving up on ourselves. Cancelling our journey before we even start it. We're not helping ourselves by trying to stop the pain before it starts, we're simply selling ourselves short.
Once I realized how my premature excuses were setting me up for failure, I immediately stopped those thoughts. I committed myself to the detox (and whatever journey it took me on), and I owned it. I vowed to handle any shortcomings when they happened, and not a moment before. I refused to sit in anticipation of failure, and instead, decided to give my all to this process and pray for the best. This strategy was much better than the one I utilized during my initial review. This one told me I could do this — and do it I did.
In order to soar in the ways you're called to, we must commit ourselves to the cause, and count ourselves in — not out. We must stop revoking our ability to conquer.
The only way to experience winning, is to give ourselves the opportunity to win. Not by crafting excuses to lighten the blow if we don't, but by trusting ourselves enough to know that we can.
10 days of smoothies taught me that.
Related Articles
8 Best Detox Water Recipes To Get You Back On Track – Read More
My 5-Day Fruit & Vegetable Cleanse Was Not What I Expected – Read More
What Happened When I Cut Out Processed Foods, Meat & Dairy For A Week – Read More
Featured image by Getty Images
Zoe Hunter is the writer, speaker, and creator behind the women empowerment brand DEAR QUEENS. She uses vulnerability, storytelling, and spiritual development to empower women toward healthy decision-making. Stay connected to Zoe's work by visiting DEARQUEENS.com or following her on Twitter @zDEARQUEENS.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
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Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images