"I Don't Want This Baby Anymore": My Ugly Bout With Postpartum Depression
Prior to becoming a mother, my idea of Postpartum Depression (PPD) was what I saw on TV: the story of Andrea Yates who drowned five of her children in 2001, and the one of Laurel Michelle Schlemmer who also drowned both of her sons in 2014. I remember thinking that PPD was extreme and only consisted of rare cases that happened to white women who just had children. This is not something I easily identified within the Black community, nor would I be able to acknowledge it if it was right in front of me. It was not until I had my encounter with pregnancy and routine check ups with my doctor who later explained PPD and the strong possibility that I could develop this shortly after birth.
Fresh at the age of 18 and a few weeks after my high school graduation, my high school sweetheart and I made the irrational decision to bring a child in this world as our plan to “stay together” due to our upcoming separation. He would be leaving St. Louis in a few days to begin summer classes on a basketball scholarship, and I would be heading 90 minutes outside of St. Louis, three-and-a-half hours from his school, that upcoming August to begin Fall classes. We were uncertain about the status of our relationship and came up with the brilliant idea to create a child, our child, as a means to always be in each other’s lives. Much to no one’s surprise, our already toxic relationship grew even more detrimental as my belly got bigger and we didn’t even last for the delivery of our daughter.
I spent majority of my pregnancy trying to come to terms with the failed relationship, seeking comfort elsewhere, crying and holding my belly telling my daughter “sorry” for making her feel this way, and waking up hoping that I would wake up to blood insinuating a miscarriage because I no longer wanted this.
[Tweet "I didn’t want this baby anymore because he didn’t want me. "]
Fortunately, God had other plans and He carried me to full term where I gave birth to a beautiful, happy, and healthy baby girl two weeks prior to her due date but free of all problems. Her life was just beginning, but mine was just going into shambles. This life that was just making my stomach move into funny shapes was now a human that I held in my arms all throughout the day: feeding, changing, bathing, soothing, and nurturing. I tried my best to follow the suggestions given by my mother, but I was not my mother. I was not any woman that had taken the time to give me any type of parenting advice. Me being without him and my lack of parental awareness were strong enough triggers to send me into a looming depression. I was now responsible for a new life in which all blame would be on my hands if anything were to happen to her. My life had completely changed from the plans I had made prior to graduation.
I was only able to breastfeed for three months due to my rapid weight loss and me not being able to keep up with how much my child demanded milk, and I would start crying at any point and time. I couldn’t stop my child from crying but my mother could soothe her, which left me feeling inadequate. I didn’t feel like me anymore. I can remember countless times that I would leave my phone on the dresser and hand my child over to my mother and leave the house not even informing her of my whereabouts. I never went far; always drove around the surrounding neighborhood, blasting music that would help push me into a heavier state of depression.
It wasn’t until her first birthday that I came to terms with my role as a mother and all that it entailed. “I kept my daughter alive for a whole year” was my thought. Not that I thought I would do something to her, I just didn’t know what I was doing.
This experience taught me that PPD does not discriminate whose life it decides to invade. Any woman who is about to bring forth life into this world is at risk. It also taught me that PPD is not just one blanket experience. It can range from “Baby Blues,” which are associated with moodiness and fatigue shortly after delivery all the way to “Psychosis,” which is associated with frequent thoughts of harming self and/or child. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, 80% of new mothers experience Baby Blues while the more extreme end of PPD occurs in nearly 15% of all births.
[Tweet "PPD does not discriminate whose life it decides to invade."]
I reached out to some other mothers about their experience with their PPD and how they handled it:
“It started with feelings of inadequacy. I would be at home with our daughter all day while my husband worked but one could only imagine how I felt when he would come home and I see our daughter favoring him. It worsened when I returned to work. Not only was I not the parent she loved most (in my mind), I felt like I was neglecting her since I'd been away from her all day. I felt so guilty for not being able to stay home and care for my child” –Tania“I moved slow with be everything I did. I wouldn't bath or shower for days at a time, I cut my hair really low because I felt ugly and dirty and filthy and I just made myself look like I felt. I was in cosmetology school at this time and I couldn't focus in school from constantly vomiting and not being able to really participate and be present in my class, so I had to drop out of school and that made my depression worse” –Christin
“I had to have an emergency C-section due to our daughter's heart rate. During the surgery, I passed out. I felt like a bad parent. When my husband brought our daughter to me for the first time, I was disappointed. I thought to myself, she looks NOTHING like me. When my husband returned to work at night, it was just our daughter and I. Those nights were hard. My appetite was all over the place and I became addicted to Sunkist orange soda”- Joi
Either we as mothers or mothers we know have experienced the symptoms of PPD that are considered normal and a part of the new mother role. Symptoms including: feeling sad, hopeless, and overwhelmed, excessive crying, loss of appetite, withdrawing from friends and family, feelings of guilt and inadequacy, etc. If you or someone you know is experiencing these symptoms, don’t take it with a grain of salt. A new mother’s body is going through extreme changes after giving birth and the hormone levels drop rapidly, triggering all types of moods. Every mother is different, so combine this body change with several external factors (broken relationship, history of depression, or addiction to substance abuse). To a certain extent, there is normalcy to experiencing PPD, but be mindful that it could swiftly shift to a serious mental health concern.
It is okay to seek help. As the saying goes, there is no manual to parenting and it truly does take a village to raise a child. Seeking help does not mean we are weak or incapable of raising a happy and healthy child. With acknowledgment, PPD can be treated and overcome.
“I remembered hearing my grandmother say not to allow anything or anyone steal your joy. I started to remember what it was like to be genuinely happy. I wanted to show God I was grateful. I then began to write myself into my calendar. I took time out for me. I took swim lessons, I started Zumba, I started art projects. I opened up to my husband about how I was feeling. Now, I enjoy every single second of my life and of my daughter. She LOVES mommy. And I know that I'm a damn good mother too. I couldn't be more blessed” – Tania“I can’t tell you how, but I felt myself trying to hold on to what and who I thought I was, in every way possible. I got over those initial feels and learned to embrace my baby”- Joi
As a family member or friend wanting to know how you can help, encourage new mothers to seek and receive help, assist with daily tasks, provide opportunities for new moms to get rest. For more information about PPD, visit National Institute of Mental Health and if experiencing PPD, schedule a counseling or therapy session to begin treatment and contact your physician to discuss and/or receive medication.
Have you suffered from PPD? How did you learn to overcome it?
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Growing up in Brooklyn, New York, Caribbean culture has always been all around me, from the food to the dancehall and soca music to traditions carried out by all of the Caribbean people living in the city. As a youngin, I loved attending the West Indian Day Parade every September because the floats, steel drums, extravagant feathers, and upbeat music made me feel free and gave me a deeper appreciation for the culture.
As I got older, I learned that the yearly Carnivals happening across the Caribbean put NYC’s little festivities to shame. Traveling to the islands themselves and experiencing the people and culture first-hand really gives you a deeper understanding and appreciation for Caribbean culture.
The history of Carnival celebrations in the Caribbean can be traced back to enslaved people who were forbidden from participating in the Pre-Lenten celebrations and thus created their own celebrations and traditions, which over time developed into celebrations of freedom and rebellion. Each country in the Caribbean has its own unique history of celebrations, as well as its own Carnival traditions that set it apart from other festivities.
What started as a Pre-Lenten celebration is now celebrated during a range of months throughout the year and now attracts hundreds of people from all over the world. Here are six carnivals that you should go to this year to experience this culture for yourself.
Crop Over - Barbados Carnival
Crop Over Dates: July 31, 2024 - August 6, 2024
What better place to celebrate carnival than the home of our Bajan Queen Rihanna? While some festivities start as early as May, the official festival season in Barbados starts in July and ends in early August. Crop Over originally started as a way for plantation workers to celebrate the end of the sugarcane harvest season and has now evolved into a much larger celebration. Crop Over is a blend of both old and new traditions, such as the Ceremonial Delivery of the Last Canes, and Cohobblopot, where bands show off their beautiful costumes and play soca and calypso music.
All of the week's festivities culminate with the Grand Kadooment, Crop Over’s big parade featuring all of the bands and droves of people taking to the streets in their beautiful costumes and dancing to the local music.
Other things to do: Visit Hunte’s Garden in Joseph’s Parish and find peace in the picturesque garden while spotting an array of different birds and animals. If you’re looking for beach relaxation, spend a day at Carlisle Bay, the perfect beach for swimming, taking in some sun, and a possible turtle sighting.
Saint Thomas Carnival
Saint Thomas Carnival Dates: April 28, 2024 - May 5, 2024
No passport? That won’t be a problem for U.S. travelers looking to get in on the carnival experience. Saint Thomas, one of the three U.S. Virgin Islands, is known for its crystal clear beaches, scuba diving scene, and overall vibrant culture. The island celebrates its carnival in late April and features a dynamic lineup of events including colorful adult and kiddie parades, calypso competitions, and street parties. Virgin Islanders are known to love to party, so make sure to fill up before the festivities with some local favorites like johnny cakes, callaloo, and conch fritters.
With its rich cultural heritage and lively atmosphere, this is a carnival experience perfect for a first-timer who wants to ease their way into the lifestyle.
Other things to do: Visit one of Saint Thomas’ many turquoise blue beaches such as Coki, Magens Bay, Brewers Bay, or Lindquist Beach. Coki Beach is perfect if you're looking for a more lively experience and want to snorkel without swimming far out, and Brewers Bay is best known for the sea turtles that you can see from the sand. You can also take a short ferry over to Saint John, another of the Virgin Islands, and spend a day at Lime Out, a floating taco and margarita bar.
Spicemas - Grenada Carnival
Courtesy of Grenada Tourism Authority
Spicemas Dates: August 7, 2024 - August 14, 2024
Grenada, also known as the Spice Isle due to its production of a variety of spices, has one of the most anticipated carnivals every year. During Spicemas, revelers hit the streets for lively music, paint, oil, dancing, and good times. One of the most important aspects of Spicemas is Jab Jab, a celebration that involves covering one's body in black oil or paint. This tradition started as a post-emancipation masquerade, in which former enslaved Africans would paint themselves black emulating a “Jab” derived from the French word diable, which means devil.
This was a way of mocking their former masters and also represented rebellion and freedom. Since then, the tradition has evolved into a staple of Carnival on J’ouvert morning, a celebration of freedom, and undoubtedly an element that makes Grenada stand out from other Carnivals across the diaspora. Outside of J’ouvert, Spicemas is a beautiful culmination of colorful and vibrant costumes, steel band competitions, delicious rum, and music that you’ll dance to all night.
Grenada is celebrating 50 years of independence this year, so just know that Spicemas is going to be extra special!
Other things to do: For the ocean lovers, the Molinere Bay Underwater Sculpture Park is a must-see attraction. It is the world's first underwater sculpture park and a popular excursion for folks visiting the island. This year, five new installations are being added to the park, which can all be viewed through snorkeling, diving, or a glass bottom boat ride.
Antigua Carnival
Antigua Carnival Dates: July 31, 2024 - August 7, 2024
Every August, carnival lovers flock to the beautiful island of Antigua for its annual carnival festival. First celebrated in 1957, Antigua’s Carnival started as a celebration of emancipation from slavery and has since expanded into a dynamic showcase of local talent, music, and cultural pride. Some events to look forward to are the Party Monarch and Calypso Monarch competitions, as well as the Caribbean Queen’s Competition.
Antigua Carnival is an almost two-week extravaganza that leads into J’ouvert on Carnival Monday and the main parade on Carnival Tuesday. If you love good music, vibrant costumes, and delicious food, this is the carnival for you.
Other things to do: Take a trip to Shirley Heights Lookout for live music and breathtaking panoramic views of the coastline and ocean. And with 365 beaches in total, you’d be missing out if you didn’t fit in a few on your itinerary.
Bermuda Carnival
Bermuda Carnival Dates: June 12, 2024 - June 17, 2024
Also known as Heroes Weekend, Bermuda Carnival may be smaller than some of the other carnivals, but is still a great time. Bermuda is one of the newer carnivals, originating in 2015. Celebrated in June, this long weekend of festivities draws inspiration from other popular carnivals while also highlighting elements of Bermudian culture. You can expect some similar elements as other countries such as daily fetes, soca music, and a parade filled with different bands and extravagant costumes.
They also celebrate Bermuda’s National Heroes during carnival with a national feast. Bermudians have immense pride in their country and culture, and their carnival is the biggest celebration of the year that you don’t want to miss.
Other things to do: Take a day trip to Crystal and Fantasy Caves, beautiful caves formed over millions of years that you can take tours of. Spend a few hours taking in these beautiful natural wonders and seeing some of the formations and underground pools.
Saint Lucia Carnival
Saint Lucia Carnival Dates: July 10, 2024 - July 17, 2024
Home to some of the most beautiful mountains and beaches in the Caribbean, Saint Lucia has the perfect backdrop for an unforgettable carnival experience. Saint Lucia Carnival didn’t take flight until the late 1940s but has grown into a favorite for both novice and seasoned masqueraders. Formerly held in February, this carnival now kicks off in July which allows it not to compete with the highly revered Trinidadian carnival that also happens at that time. Saint Lucia’s Carnival has grown in popularity over the years because of the lively music, delicious food, and turned-up fetes.
One of the highlights is the Parade of the Bands, where masqueraders adorned in elaborate costumes dance through the streets to the rhythms of soca, calypso, and steelpan music. The best way to prepare for the Saint Lucia Carnival is to stay hydrated and well-fed so that you can thoroughly enjoy the plethora of events and parties happening from early morning to nightfall.
Other things to do:The Pitons, Gros Piton and Petit Piton are a UNESCO World Heritage Site and one of the main attractions in Saint Lucia. Take a hike of Gros Piton or just marvel at its natural beauty. If you're there on a Friday night, stop by the weekly Gros Islet Street Party, which is filled with music, drinks, and local food.
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Featured image courtesy of Grenada Tourism Authority