On the first day of March 2016, The Broadmoor resort looked something like a church gathering. Praise and worship songs bellowed from the speakers of the International Center, hands were raised in silent submission, and you may have even spotted a tear or two rolling down a few puffed cheeks. But this wasn’t your typical group of churchgoers—this was a gathering of over 150 NFL players, their wives, and fiancées coming together to draw closer to God.
And no, most media outlets didn’t cover this.
Partially because much of what you read regarding the league involves some sort of scandal or domestic disturbance, maybe a community service project or two thrown in for good measure, and also because it’s a safe haven for the team players to ditch the press and autograph requests and talk about the pressures that only those regularly in the spotlight could understand. It's partially why the Pro Athletes Outreach (PAO) organization was created—to bring together pro athletes and couples to grow in their walk with Jesus, and also positively impact their spheres of influence on and off the field. The annual PAO conference is an extension of that ministry, bringing single and married pros and their spouses or fianceés together for a few days in order to deepen that relationship with Jesus.
The conference may be less publicized, but it was exactly what Terence “TJ” Barnes, defensive tackle for the Buffalo Bills, and his wife Charli needed to continue building a firm foundation for their marriage. “We wanted to really get back onto the track of Christ, and get back to getting our lives right because we were handling a lot of conflict the wrong way, and so we just saw the best opportunity to do it and basically have a restart button,” says TJ.
Terence "TJ" Barnes (Buffalo Bills) and Wife Charli Barnes
One thing that any married couple will attest to is that life after the wedding bells is a struggle. Coast past the honeymoon stage of any relationship, and you’ll find that the foundation is tested in all areas from faith to finances. Add to it the lights, cameras, and potential groupies—and the weight that comes with notoriety becomes a heavier load than anticipated. The PAO conference allows for real conversations to happen between the vets and the rookies, and serves as a support system where both the husbands and their wives can build on solid spiritual ground.
The conference took place across four days, with workshops, lunch sessions and sermons occurring throughout the course of the day. While there were many sessions that couples could attend individually, TJ and Charli went to most of their workshops together. “The workshops that they had focused on finances, your faith, and they had relationship ones. We just needed to go to those relationship ones. That is really what we were there for, but we just got so much more out of it than just focusing on our relationship,” says Charli, who admits that her and her husband were at odds when they arrived at the conference the first day.
Couples soaked up the words of Kim Anthony, a former gymnast and ESPN sports reporter and wife of Corwin Anthony, who spoke on finding your purpose and not focusing on the negativity of naysayers, and devoured the message of finding your identity in Christ, particularly for the women, like Charli, who set aside their own career aspirations in order to fully support their husband on and off the field.
“I know during season I was miserable to deal with because I had just come from graduating with my masters and thinking that I was going to go and start my career, and then we got married and I wasn’t going to go and start my career and live 800 plus miles away from my husband. So I struggled with that a lot, like who am I now? I don’t want to just be TJ’s wife. I want more than that. And she really touched on find who you are. Yes TJ’s wife is an amazing piece of me, but in Christ he has so much for me,” Charli said.
AJ Green (Cincinnati Bengals) and Wife, Miranda Brooke
During one session the men and women split up into small groups, which was helpful for both TJ and Charli as they had the chance to connect with others going through similar struggles. “In the NFL you feel like nobody is going through the same things you’re going through but here it’s just like fellowship, and you’re hearing different stories and different backgrounds and you’re like I’m not the only one who’s going through this,” says TJ.
Not only did they find comfort and reassurance in learning who they are in Christ, but many players and their wives decided to rededicate their lives through baptism. In a post from singer Miranda wife of AJ Green of the Cincinnati Bengals, she comments on how this is the way the NFL community holds each other accountable.
I just want to shed light because the media doesn't know much about THIS side of the NFL community. We are holding each other accountable and growing together in the name of Christ.
She added:
Getting baptized alongside my husband was one of the greatest moments that I've ever experienced. Tonight was special. God is REAL and he lives within us. We are ready for new beginnings! Thank you, #PAO
Jameis Winston and girlfriend Breion Allen
Tampa Bay Buccaneers' quarterback Jameis Winston and his girlfriend Breion Allen were also baptized during the retreat. Breion shared her experience on Instagram with the caption:
Last night I accepted Christ into my life for the first time. So thankful for this #PAO experience for helping me grow closer in my faith and to be around people trying to do the same.
While Charli knew about the baptisms beforehand, she said that her and TJ didn’t go with the intention of being baptized, but after hearing from pastors like Francis Chan, who stressed that walking in faith doesn’t come without the everyday struggles nor does it equate to having a perfect life, made Charli view her relationship with God in a whole new light. Aside from strengthening their spirituality, the couple said that one of the most significant things that they walked away with was renewed faith in their marriage and a better understanding of one another. “I got a better understanding of what my wife goes through and what it’s like to be in the shadows of a NFL player, and I got a better appreciation of the things that she does when I’m not at home because I used to think that she was watching Netflix and eating Bon Bons and stuff, but she’s actually working and taking care of the house and taking care of the things that I take for granted,” says TJ.
Charli adds that taking the time to hear her spouse’s perspective helped her to understand that there will be times when he comes home tired after a hard day of practice, and that means not hitting him with a list of things to do as soon as he steps in the door. Hearing from couples who’ve successfully navigated the waters of conflict resolution helped them to see the changes that they could make within their own marriage.
“Kurt Warner and his wife were there, and it helped having couples there who are telling you ‘this is what we went through and this is how we overcame it.’ But you still see the back and forth that they had. Like they were still up there bickering back and forth, but at the end of the day they were like we love each other and we know that God put this person here for me and I wouldn’t want to go through this with anybody else.”
Looking back, TJ and Charli are grateful that the conference happened eight months into their marriage, and that they didn’t waste years trying to figure it out on their own without having the proper support systems in place to stay strong when challenges arise. They’re part of a group that’s redefining what it means to have #relationshipgoals, not the cookie-cutter version that is often assigned to seemingly perfect partnerships, but the one that takes strong faith and dedication with the person that you exchanged vows and walked down the aisle with.
The world may not often see players honoring God and their wives through this life-changing conference, but perhaps the spiritual revolution that’s quietly happening in the NFL community after the cameras stop rolling will one day be televised.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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