Texting Is Not Courting: 5 Reasons Why Courtship Needs A Rebirth
If I were to poll a group of single women and ask, “When was the last time you went on a date," I'd be willing to bet that more than half of the ladies questioned would respond, “I can't even remember the last time I went on a date."
Some would even respond, “Date? What's that?"
Unfortunately, that seems to be the reality for so many single women nowadays. Months (years for some) have gone by leaving women to only imagine what it would be like to go on a real datebecause the idea of meeting a guy who understands or believes in courtship almost seems non-existent.
Gone are the days when men would call up a pretty lady, ask her out, take her on a date, open the doors for her, pay for the date and continue putting his best foot forward in an attempt to win her over. In this day and time, it's not unreasonable to think that some men have never heard of the term “courtship" or have a totally different interpretation of it when it comes to dating. Consequently, there are single women who, for the life of them, can't even remember the last time they went on a real date.
They're left to imagine what it would feel like to go on a real date in hopes that someone would ask them out.
Of course we can't discuss this topic without acknowledging that some ladies have in fact made it easier for men, but harder for other women, in that we don't always require as much effort from them when it comes to dating and/or “the chase." Some of us have allowed them to do the bare minimum, so when the next woman requires more within reason, it makes her appear as if she's asking for too much.
You know it's time for a reminder when you see and hear about women who have to initiate everything and ask a man for his phone number, or she has to ask if she can buy him a drink or take him out on a date. That being said, I'd like to challenge the men to really understand a few things as it relates to courting and why it needs a rebirth.
"Courting" isn't just an old school term.
Although the methods were slightly different than today (e.g., hand-written love letters vs. calling vs. texting, etc.), the values and emotional affect still remain the same. Courting may have been coined as an “old-school" term, referring to a man who is proactively pursuing a woman, but it's more than that. Ultimately, it's about getting to know a person and realizing that it could ultimately lead to a more meaningful relationship; it's also the romance of it all.
It's the butterflies in her stomach when a guy first calls to ask her out on a date. It's the excitement of picking out the right outfit for the first date. It's the flowers and candies she receives when he greets her. It's the chivalry she experiences when she's with him that makes her feel appreciated for the woman that she is, and also reminds her of what it feels like to date a real man. It's the fascination of the “chase" and the reality that she's being pursued and not the opposite way around. It's literally the spark that lights and keeps the fire burning between two individuals who are attracted to each other. Courting is like investing in a home; you may have to invest a bit more upfront in order to get and keep something that will last and eventually yield innumerable and priceless benefits.
Texting is not courting.
Contrary to popular belief, texting is not and should not be the single indicator for the status or magnitude of the relationship, nor does it count as real courting. Sometimes, you have to get back to the basics. A text message on Facebook is not a replacement for picking up the phone and calling to ask her out. A poke on Facebook or a “like" on Instagram isn't a clear sign of flirting or the most effective way to show her you're interested. Flower and candy emojis aren't replacements for real-life flowers and candy. Watching a movie at your place shouldn't be a substitute for going to the movie theater, a concert, or a play.
Try to change it up and do something different. Here's a thought, instead of sending a text all of the time, why not give her a hand-written note every now and then? Instead of always going to a restaurant, take her on a picnic in the park or on a boat ride near the city. Nowadays, you can even take her to a couple's painting class.
Whatever you do, do something at the very least.
Yes, it's 2018 and we have a lot of cool new technology and gadgets, but that doesn't mean it should completely take the place of certain traditions or habits.
Real men aren't afraid to court or commit.
Some men make excuses and say that courting is lame, shows signs of weakness, or makes it seem like the man is “sprung," but I beg to differ. Real men are unafraid and uninhibited when it comes to pursuing a woman they're truly interested in beyond just the sex and physical attraction. Call it old school or outdated, but real men understand what it takes to get and keep a good woman whether single, dating, or even married. They are confident enough to show a woman how much they're interested and how cool and trendy they can be, while at the same time exhibiting some of the traditional behaviors and values of courting.
Let's be honest. There are some men who would rather lie, play games and mix and mingle with different types of women for the rest of their lives. Then, there are those who would rather date on a more serious level in hopes of finding that special someone. Either way, courting isn't a game and it shouldn't be used as a devious plan or trick just to get a woman in the bed; rather, it's when a man realizes that he's met, or is looking to meet, someone they consider special and worthy of their time, money and/or resources. Hence, for some, it requires a certain level of maturity and certain type of man to do it right.
Some men will even say it's a waste of time because women nowadays don't really want it. “They don't want the 'good guy,'" but that's not true and that's just an excuse. I know way too many women who would say the opposite.
If you avoid wasting your time doing the right thing with the wrong woman, then you won't feel like it's a waste of time.
Besides, don't you want to stand apart from other men and not be known as “that guy" because you act just like everybody else?
Courting requires effort and initiative.
Men have to be resourceful and creative when it comes to pleasing that special lady even if that means enlisting the help of a female family member or friend to help give you ideas. Sometimes it's as simple as searching through Google to find ideas. Women love to see men take the initiative and come up with things to do. We love to hear a man say, “I'll be by to pick you up at 8 pm sharp. Be ready." That makes a woman want to get dressed up and look as cute as she can be! While some women actually enjoy doing things for their men and surprising them as well, they also appreciate when the man takes the initiative to pick up the phone to call instead of the woman having to do everything that has traditionally been the guy's responsibility.
Furthermore, women loveto see a man putting in effort. She wants to feel like the man is really interested and really trying to win her over whether he's calling consistently, courting on a regular basis, doing his best to be a good man, and even making time to see and spend time with her. I remember when my husband and I were dating long distance, he made an effort to come and see me every month and sometimes twice a month. Effort goes a long way in a relationship and at the end of the day, that's what it's really all about --putting in effort on both sides.
Anything worth having is worth fighting and working for – including a good woman.
It's time to revive the spirit of courtship! It's time to “man up" and get rid of the excuses. Why? Simply put, because women deserve it. There are way too many beautiful, sophisticated women with wonderful personalities who deserve to know what it feels like to be “wined and dined" and to go on a real date. I don't care if you're young or seasoned, courting never gets old because it's made to last a lifetime.
Originally published by Shonda White on White Noyze
Featured image by Getty Images
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- 5 Texting-While-Dating Rules to Simplify Your Love Life | HuffPost ›
- The Dos and Don'ts of Texting Someone You Want to Date ›
- The Rules Of Texting (Explained By Guys) | Thought Catalog ›
- Why Texting and Dating Make Women Anxious | HuffPost ›
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- To Text or Not to Text: A Dating Conundrum - The New York Times ›
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- What's the difference between dating and courtship? - Chastity ›
- The Difference Between Courtship & Dating | Dating Tips ›
Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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My name is Yasmine Jameelah, and I’m a founder, journalist, freelance writer, and dog mama. Wellness is at the intersection of everything that I do.
Six years ago, I started a small wellness community on Instagram after embarking on a healing journey in my mid-twenties that I documented via a blog where I wrote about healing, therapy, celibacy, and growth after what felt like years of chaos. Six years later, that wellness community has blossomed into one of the largest online wellness platforms for Black women called Transparent Black Girl which has a reach of over five million Black women.
It still sounds crazy to say that aloud, to know that a 24-year-old girl planted the seeds of the life that this 30-year-old woman gets to live now.
While I was growing my company, because my love for writing was so strong, I went back to school and obtained my master's in journalism. I’ve worked as a freelance writer, an editor, and a frequent contributor to publications that I respect greatly, xoNecole being one of them! My journalism career has been a reflection of my passion and heart for wellness and the culture. My day-to-day is busy, but we manage to get it done, and on the days that I can’t, I give myself grace to do what I can with the time that I have.
My days consist of events, long walks with my dog, freelance pitching, and deciding what content creation and events will look like for my wellness collective, Transparent & Black.
Now, follow me on a random day in my life.
Morning
5:00 a.m.
My Goldendoodle keeps me on a schedule, so every morning, like clockwork, he wakes me up to use the bathroom and eat breakfast, at 5 a.m.! Am I usually over it first thing in the morning? 100%, but his being on a schedule challenges me to stick with mine and start the day on a productive note. He’s a wellness dog which means I feed him home-cooked meals and give him supplements daily to support his health, and he has a daily dental treat to keep his teeth healthy. Canine dental hygiene is imperative for a long life and a good smelling breath!
Today, I’m heading into the city, and I’ll be there almost all day, so when I’m gone that long, I take him to doggy daycare.
7:00 a.m.
Doggy daycare drop-off is filled with tons of barks, and my dog is practically jumping out of the car with excitement to see his friends. Now, some of y’all might be thinking, doggy daycare, sis, that’s too much for a dog! But it’s not, socialization is key for dogs, and so is keeping my house intact when I’m gone for long periods of time. Does he go daily? No, we aren’t rich (yet, we gotta manifest!), but when my dog is happy and experiencing play, and I’m happy attending events, I feel accomplished.
Having a pet is a serious responsibility, and I pride myself on knowing that I am invested in his mental and emotional health by encouraging his socialization with his friends.
7:30 a.m.
Headed to my local coffee shop to grab my go-to order. Iced coffee, a single shot of espresso, half and half, and 3 pumps of agave. Winter, spring, summer, fall, I am an iced coffee girl. I love it, especially after a workout where I’ve broken a sweat - nothing about having hot coffee after I’ve been sweating for over an hour feels good to me.
8:00 a.m.
Back home listening to Carlos King's commentary on YouTube in the shower (what can I say, commentary on reality TV drama relaxes me, don’t judge!) and prepping for the first stop on the agenda for today which is an event in the city. Without traffic, I’m about a 25-minute drive to Manhattan but it’s rush hour, so that 25 minutes is about 55 which means I have to head out soon so that I can arrive on time.
Courtesy
9:00 a.m.
Headed to Manhattan for a Black History Month event with Meta, Peloton, and We The Culture. I wanted to take the train, but I ran out of time, so I hopped in an Uber because I didn’t want to be late, and I had my daily check-in with my best friend while I rode in the Uber. We talk daily and have since our early twenties to check in with each other. I'm grateful that while many aspects of my life have changed, this is still a constant. As we age, prioritizing our friendships for sure gets harder, but it’s not impossible in the least bit when both parties are invested.
9:30 a.m.
Emailing my editor from the car to ask for a deadline extension and sharing with her my ideas for pieces for the month! I’m grateful to have been on both sides of the journalism space. I’ve been a managing editor for years for publications, and I’ve also had the honor to work with managing editors, deputy editors, and editors-in-chief who have poured into me and understood how quickly my schedule can change, I’m honored at the magic we’re able to create together.
As a storyteller, from content that I share to my platform to pieces that I write, I’m having fun again in this season of my life, and I am loving it.
Courtesy
10:00 a.m.
The event begins, and I can’t lie, when I host my own events, I’m not scared, but as a social anxiety girlie, events sometimes can be a little scary. I am naturally a very shy girl, but wellness events always feel like home to me. You don’t have to dress up; you can show up in workout gear because most of the time you’re experiencing some form of wellness and fitness even during the event. Moments into the panel discussion we experienced a seated meditation led by Peloton instructor Dr. Chelsea Jackson Roberts - talk about a way to kick the day off!
Courtesy
The discussion hosted by Meta and Peleton touched on the importance of taking up space in industries and spaces where Black women and people are underrepresented, our self-care regimens, and We The Culture also shared how their work came to be. It was such a powerful event, and of course, we got the inside scoop on Peloton’s newest machines! I also spoke with some people (it’s important to me to always say hello to those who put on the event) and ended up sitting next to THE Pilates girl herself, Raven Ross. She was such a sweetheart, and we talked about our love for Pilates and the importance of community events like this.
Afternoon
2:00 p.m.
Leaving the event, I headed to Sephora to see if I could find Topicals' always sold-out Slick Salve, but to no avail, so I pulled out my phone and ordered it on their website as I walked back to the train station to head back home. I am a girl who loves to walk, so I’m always down for a long walk to the station and a walk back home when time permits, so that’s exactly what I did. I did about four miles just between walking back to Penn Station and walking back to my apartment once I got off the train!
4:30 p.m.
My phone started blowing up because the piece that Oprah Daily asked me to write was published for Black History Month, and my face was on Oprah’s website, AOL’s homepage, and the publication's Instagram page! My mama, aunties, cousins, dad, and everyone who has known me since I was a little girl were beyond proud and excited to see that and how far I’ve come.
Courtesy
Evening / Night
Courtesy
5:30 p.m.
I headed to my gym in my home (praise the Lord for apartment amenities) for a quick swim before I picked up my dog from daycare, and then I headed to the sauna and ran into a neighbor who is another successful Black woman killing it in her own right in the tech space. We chatted about life updates and the importance of taking time for our mental health and it felt good to ground myself with swimming. Much of my life has changed in the past few years, but swimming has remained a constant.
Whenever something amazing happens I soak it in and then immediately do what I can to ground myself to stay present, humble, grateful, and focused on what’s ahead.
Courtesy
6:30 p.m.
It started raining badly and my anxiety is all over the place on the drive to pick up my dog but I practice some deep breathing and remind myself that I have had a calm day and it can end calm as well. I don’t need to rush there, I can drive at a pace that feels good to me. My mother calls to check on me because she sees the weather is terrible and asks me to let her know when I arrive safely.
7:00 p.m.
I arrived at doggy daycare, and the rain is calming down. Can y’all see why I take him?! They watch him all day! My dog is exhausted in the best way and ready to go home and sleep, and I can sit down and relax when we head back home.
9:00 p.m.
I’m back home, took a bath, ordered my favorite healthy Chinese takeout (beef and shrimp with broccoli, light sauce with brown rice), and I’m on the couch with a glass of sustainable wine from one of my favorite Black-owned brands, House of Brown watching Sistaswith a side of kimchi to enjoy with dinner. My candles are lit, I’m letting the highs of the day sit with me and stillness come over me as I prepare for bed.
10:30 p.m.
I took my dog out for a final walk, gave him his bedtime treat, and it’s lights out to prepare for another day.
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