I Was The Other Woman: Why I Didn't Want Him To Leave Her For Me | xoNECOLE
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I Was The Other Woman: Why I Didn’t Want Him To Leave Her For Me

Comments (87)
  1. Angela Love says:

    A lot of women are fatherless so they never had a true example of what a man should be … So that’s why so many are willing to settle for less because they’ve had less their whole lives ….

    (-1)
    1. That’s such a cliche reason.. There are soooooo many women who were raised with both parents in a loving relationship and they make the same mistakes… It’s called life, we all do dumb shit so blaming your missing or present father is an excuse…

      (22)
    2. Angela Love says:

      I’m just speaking of my personal observations among the masses. I myself have and always had a strong father figure so when it comes to dating some men can appreciate my standards while some think they are demanding hence a slew of women who have none. Just my opinion.

      (4)
    3. I think you are right..numbers don’t lie… women who have a father in their life tend to not except any kind of behavior..they are more aware of the bs…..it might be cliche but numbers don’t lie…think about the girls in your life that were considered loose or excepted anything..now do they have a dad…probably not

      (4)
    4. Love Charm says:

      I agree. I had those issues.

      (2)
    5. Shanna Kay says:

      I guess the other women with dads have a different story to tell then .

      (0)
    6. Renewingmyminddaily says:

      I have a father who has and still is a very strong presence in my life. He and my mother have always taught their children about the love of God first, then self, and others. Without even thinking about it I have always required the men I dated to treat me with respect and value me. It wasn’t necessarily what my parents said but what I viewed in my parents relationship. (We do more what we see rather that what we hear) My parent’s relationship, It wasn’t always perfect, it wasn’t always beautiful, it wasn’t always happy ( I could tell you some heartbreaking stories), but they loved each other. They wanted to reap the benefits of the work they actually had to put into each other. That’s what’s important. God said I am a virtuous woman. I work really hard to walk in that, present that, and live that. I will be damned if allowed myself to accept anything different.

      (0)
  2. I can relate however my situation had a complete Twist! Imagine meeting a man who tells you he has a 2 year old daughter but is single. You court for over 6 months and think that you are in love. The day that we were getting the keys to our place I met with his daughters mother and she assured me that they were over and done and only had their 2 year old daughter to raise. After 2 months of living in our apartment together I begin seeing texts from his daughter’s mother that gave way to me really trying to find out what was going on. To my surprise I was not his “Main” I was the “Other” woman. I went through his emails and paperwork and trash cans(yes even the trash) and boy did I find what I was looking for! He was actually married to a Woman from Atlanta in attempt to help him get papers. Because he did not pay the girl as promised she did not go through with the process. And I confronted his daughters mother and she indeed confirmed that they were married 3 years ago as husband in wife under their Muslim culture and she agreed to keep his secret from Me because I was a “nice girl” helping him to get papers. I was crushed, heartbroken, hurt and worst of all…. I found out that I was pregnant. Almost 2 years later I have a healthy beautiful son and I removed myself completely from that situation and his life. Each day is a day I wake up thanking God and praying for his continued healing over my broken heart and bruised ego. I finally forgave myself for such a terrible mistake on my part but God has a plan and I am bold enough and Free to help other young woman that meet a man and fall so quickly without really knowing that they are sleeping with the enemy. I literally was and didn’t know it. I started receiving red flags like being in the hospital with and std because he was sleeping with all of us, losing my apartment because he couldn’t afford to pay her rent and mines. And the final straw was threatening to kill me and my unborn child. God had a huge blessing and lesson in this for me. I am just glad that I allowed him to capture my attention in order to save my Life! I was so desperate for Love that God showed me what I didn’t need in order to give me what I do need so that I could appreciate it! Whew, there’s my Truth! I hope that this encourages somebody that may be going through this. Love yourself and God will send you the Love you Deserve!

    (30)
    1. Naa says:

      Wow

      (0)
  3. Vpprinces01 says:

    Reading this made me cringe. It was like those Fabio cover paperback books in the grocery store. In any case, don’t let a man leave you with a wet behind and dry purse. If you gonna do wrong get some bills paid in the process. *grandma’s voice*

    (27)
  4. AL says:

    This article is so on point. I used to be so critical of women sleeping with men in relationships. And, now I have compassion because I’ve been on both sides of the coin. I have been cheated on and would not wish that pain on my own worst enemy. And, then recently, I found myself being the other woman when dealing with an ex. I found myself rationalizing the irrational simply because we had history. Bottom line — knowing your worth is so crucial. If any man makes you feel “less than,” pray for strength to remove the attachment. Forgive yourself and move forward.

    (25)
    1. Naa says:

      So true

      (2)
  5. Mackenzie Renee says:

    I think the piece was beautifully written. We can post about morals, self worth and self esteem all day but I think we are totally missing the reason she wrote the piece. She isn’t glorifying being the other woman. She is explaining what her situation was, how she felt during it and how she ended it. All these women in these comments throwing stones need to stop! God don’t bless no mess stuff….no God LOVES a mess actually. God protected the woman who was caught committing adultery and said those who are free from sin cast the first stone….and y’all are in here throwing them honey but what have YOU done that isn’t pleasing? Just cuz it wasn’t sleeping with someone who has a girlfriend don’t make your sin less than hers. Just because she chose to be a side chick don’t mean she have daddy issues, mommy issues or anything of that nature. Sometimes you just decide to be reckless and what matters is how you decide to move FORWARD as you can read she began to do so. I commend her honesty, not many ppl can own their truth and tell it so eloquently. Much respect to you!

    (20)
  6. Kaya says:

    This was like reading my diary. I am not the other woman but he is emotionally unavailable so I am still second to him and I keep asking myself why I accept this. Thank you for this piece.

    (16)
  7. Naa says:

    Yes I have and I hated myself everytime but I was 20 and stupid. He lied that he was going to leave her for me. But thank the Lord for growth. I Forgave myself and kept going. Never again. I will never help a man disrespect another woman ever again. When you know better you do better.

    (13)
  8. Got so caught up I thought was a book lol

    (12)
  9. I believe in Karma, which doesn’t have an expiration date. As someone who has been cheated on, it’s devastating. It’s one thing if the other person didn’t know, but when you participate in someone else’s pain, it’s dead wrong. The cheater and the other person are both shady. The cheater is never off the hook, either abd deserve to lose everything. I hope she learned a lesson to not do it again.

    (8)
    1. Yes…especially if the person is married…totally agree with your comment

      (3)
  10. Desiree says:

    I am the other woman. We even have a child together. I still haven’t gotten to the point of walking away or letting go. We been dealing with each other for about 4 years now. He refuses to let me go and I honestly don’t know how to walk away. I’ve gotten to the point where when we are together my body is there but my heart no longer is. I want more I deserve more and now that I have a child with him I want more for her. I hope to one day get the courage to walk away.

    (0)
    1. Diva says:

      Pray for strength and courage. While I have not been the other woman physically, I recently was emotionally and walking away from that was hard. The beginning is torture but each second, minute, hour, day you waste on someone that doesn’t value or belong to you, is time that could be spent with the love of your life and with someone who truly values you. Start by sending one less text msg, one less phone call a day and I promise you, you will learn to be without him. I wish u strength, courage, clarity, and peace of mind.

      (9)
  11. This made me sick to my stomach. There is nothing beautiful about screwing a aerson who is committed to someone else. Its despicable. Please stop romantizing it.

    (5)
    1. Mz. Ivy says:

      Your missing the point. Nowhere in this article is she saying GO AND FIND A MAN IN A RELATIONSHIP! She is telling her experience abbout how it made her feel and how now she knows she will never settle for less.

      (4)
  12. Rya says:

    This article was very heavy. As someone who has been cheated on, I’ve always wondered if the other woman expects karma to catch up with her in the future. You may have felt empty inside, but imagine how his girlfriend/fiancé is going to feel. Being cheated on attacks your self esteem as a woman. Nothing hurts more than feeling like you have no worth. This article was definitely an eye opener, but I have no sympathy for a woman that assisted in another woman’s pain. Put yourself in her shoes, and pray that this doesn’t happen to you or your future daughter .

    (9)
  13. Jas says:

    How is this an uplifting article? Reading stories like this doesn’t help with female empowerment or sisterhood, it is complete trash.

    (0)
    1. Necole says:

      I’m not sure if you read the article in full but at the very end the writer admitted how she eventually realized she deserved more. That was the uplifting and empowering aspect and the takeaway. Judging from the comments, a lot of women have found themselves in similar situations and captured the overall message. There is no way this article is condoning being the other woman.

      (6)
  14. BB says:

    Yes, I have been. Your article was on point. In fact when I decided to leave the situation, he was very resentful and basically tried to make me feel like I would be nothing without “him”. He didn’t like the fact that I grew up and grew tired of putting my feelings to the side just to apease him. I actually moved to another state to start over and grow on my own, because he trully stunted my growth as a woman.

    (5)
  15. *great read btw, beautifully written*

    Excerpt from the read:

    That’s the interesting thing you learn about yourself when you’re playing the other woman. No matter how much fun you’re having or how enjoyable the ease and simplicity of a no-strings-attached relationship can be, there always comes a point when a woman is forced to think about what makes a man choose her for seconds when he already belongs to someone else. It forces you to take an internal look at yourself and ask the question:

    Why am I even okay with this?

    Why don’t I want more?

    Do I even deserve more?

    ———————————-

    I truly believe that soul ties occur when you share your body with others.

    That whole no strings attached (friends with benefits) talk is rubbish.

    As for allowing yourself to be the mistress or “mister”— Why be okay with playing second fiddle?

    You don’t think highly of yourself.

    That’s my point.

    (4)
    1. That’s correct just because we are known to do what we want in america we do come with instructions. God persevered sex for marriage and just because you think your walking away unscave it may not be so. Their is a such thing as a soul tie that binds you… And all so the after math that comes along with ppl may say you can get that with your husband that’s a godly soul tie that god will cover. Plus ppl jump from relationships to relationship that’s the reason that Juanita Bynum did no more sheets…

      (1)
  16. I have no sympathy for side chicks, how you get them is how you lose them, and you expect me to comfort you and say their are no good men out here. When one you knew he was no good from the beginning and he was married bye!!

    (5)
  17. Nichelle says:

    Appreciated the honesty. Sadly, women still seek to blame “the other woman”, instead of themselves for repeatedly tolerating men’s infidelity. These men aren’t victims. They’re fully aware that they’re in a relationship and choose to cheat. He’s ultimately responsible for respecting yalls relationship, not her. Let’s hold our men and ourselves more accountable. Loving yourself is most important. Never let a man’s mistakes in love dictate your worth, regardless. Men cheat. Manage your expectations. I refuse to put my worth in the hands of a man or his other woman.

    (5)
  18. Michelle Scott says:

    I can relate to this story 100%. I was in a situation with a man off and on for over 13 years and it finally ended this January. When we met we both were in relationships and still carried on. Eventually we tried to make it work officially twice but every time I thought we were good another hiccup would come. Im not gonna lie I have only loved one man in my life and it was him. It took me ten years to tell him that. We would be on and off for a few months and back in 2012 he had his son and I was devastated. The son’s mother was the cleanup woman when I wasn’t around and he was now linked to her for life. I took almost two years off from the madness I was enveloped in but my thoughts of him wouldn’t shut down. He decided to pursue a relationship with his child’s mother and I still stuck around. At this point it was just me being comfortable and not wanting to meet new men. It gets hard sometimes being single and running into dating obstacles or men who just want to play all the time. He was my comfort blanket and when I needed reassurance a few hours a week. After he would leave I felt empty, would cry sometimes and just wallow in misery about this man. Everything came to a head last spring when I found out I was pregnant. I was happy but given the circumstances I knew that he didn’t have the balls to confess to his family about still dealing with me. The hardest thing I ever had to do was abort a child I wanted so bad in my early 30’s. I have no children at all and I promised myself I would never take that route to the clinic at this age. After the abortion the glitter and gold wore off. I couldn’t look him in the face or stomach him talking. I had dreams of my Christmas baby that should have arrived the last week of December 2015. As Im typing this right now I have tears running down my face but I dont care. After that ordeal I went to therapy to discover why I was so dependent on this man. My therapist made me realize that since I had been scorned by others I would always reach out to the one person who would love me even if the person is not good for me. It hurt even more to recognize that I was so weak for a man who wouldn’t even take me to dinner. In reality our relationship consisted of four walls, marijuana and a bed that’s it. The day I decided to let him go he had texted me “Good Morning to the most beautiful woman in the world” after a weekend without so much as a Hello. I ignored it and haven’t looked back since. I would rather be single and fulfilled, eyes open in finding the right man than wrapped up as being the other women. I wasted my life and will never do so again. I hope someone learns from this. If he can’t make you his woman please just move on because now here I am mid-30’s (looking like mid 20’s) weeding my way through the dating world in my city. Be Blessed….

    (5)
  19. Beatdizzy says:

    If you treat yourself like s++t you get treated like s++t. Respect yourself, find a poly relationship, you get to choose how this goes down, so you don’t cook or clean, probably neither does he, what a catch, there is absolutely nothing to be smug about here. You are basically getting another woman to do emotional labor for the both of you, you are not doing him or you any favors. Also if you think that you are the only other one think again, this guy doesn’t respect any of you, he thinks he’s entitled to all of you. If things are not going well in the dating scene, look to yourself, start again somewhere new. Also the writing is like reading a teenage diary.

    (4)
  20. I commend her, on her honesty. We all grow and learn from mistakes. Hopefully the guy will develop a sense of self worth and evolve as well

    (3)
  21. Kianti King says:

    This was a GREAT read! I was hanging on to every word!! I always wanted to know the other side! Thanks for this! Very well written, well except the part about “warm California breeze in December”… umm honey, Cali is cold in December! Florida has the “warm breeze in December!!

    (3)
  22. Tresa White says:

    Blah Blah Blah, God don’t Bless no mess!

    (0)
    1. Jay says:

      But He will Bless those who repent, and call on His protection. We all make mistakes, but its the convictions that push us forward😊

      (3)
  23. Chile, this is deep. I’ve never had the experience. I don’t deal with men in relationships/marriages. Never have.

    (3)
  24. La Toya says:

    I instantly got sick no mam. Not on any day of the week. This is why he and she both get they behinds beat. And people have the nerve to scream “why you going after the other woman, go after your man”. Because she Knew better! He will get dealt with and so will she.

    (3)
  25. Total selfishness that’s all it is and lust on both parts… at the cost of breaking up a relationship or marriage….

    (2)
  26. This was beautifully written!

    (2)
  27. Beautifully written. I commend her honesty and I’m glad she was able to discover her worth.

    (2)
  28. TMC says:

    This is a masterpiece. Unfortunately reading the comments it went over alot of heads. She isnt reffering to a terrible man with only horrible attributes Nor is she speaking of selfish gold digging loose women who need to give it up for money. She spoke fairly positively about him when you remove your emotional and pious views about her text.This article isnt gloryfing the other woman. It’s glorying the realization or aquisition of self love within a broken person and is written in hindsight from a grateful for this exprience and lesson mature (healed) perspective .. Im speaking from 10000% experience. This was my life. I had ended a tumultous 10year relationship with my ex and went out there looking for love again. I did the open minded all men arent the same approach and trusted again only for the relationships to end in the same bs cheating, lies, kids, double lives wives etc( at which point I always ended things bcuz I knew what it felt like to be cheated on the ex of 10years got another woman pregant our boys are 3 weeks apart) just drama and heartbreak. Until I met HIM. I was literally lost after leaving a house my parents had just built in another city (Im not the fatherless girl so it doesnt always apply as the comments pointed out) He gave me directions and we ended up having an amazing conversation in a parking lot for an hour. At the end of our convo he asked for my number and Im like wait a minute how are u single with all of these great qualites (we had conversed and covered alot within that hour work, kids, family , politics, stocks but nothing about our relationship status I didnt even think he wld ask for my number it was like we were friends just catching up he felt familar) He said Im not married but I do have a girlfriend & we live together. Woah!!HE WAS HONEST with me even if it wasnt what I wanted to hear. The truth the one thing I craved from my prior 10yr relationship. His honesty was also a breath of fresh air from the most recent ex where I had no clue “my boyfriend” I spent 4/5 days a week with had a wife and child. When do these men have time for these double lives I was completely blindsided. U can live a whole 2nd life 2/3 days a week. I was turned off and then turned right back on because as twisted as it seemed a void was being filled and I felt in “control”. I had a damn choice and appreciated the fact he didnt take it from me. I was intrigued by it not as in payback for other relationships but intrigued by HIM being a different type of man. He was interested in me and could have lied. I was well aware if he does it to her he will do it to me. So it wasnt about taking this womans man or thinking he would leave her for me. After a couple of months talking on the phone all day at work and most nights with an occasional lunch date no sex actually eating and talking. The emotional & mental chemistry was undeniable. Then sex came in the picture and it was mindblowing. We created our own utopia there was no drama, arguments only fun, and laughter. it was easy nothing heavy. I too enjoyed the sights and sounds of bringing this man to a place of ultimate pleasure. There was peace(no nagging) , alot of humor and comfort . Those were his voids. The sex was just the icing on the cake. I was happy to send him off until the next time. Work kept me extremly busy so I didnt sit and wonder what he was doing when we werent together or care about the fact we didnt go on dates. We lived 100% in the moment nothing more nothing less. The only rule I had was we use condoms 100%. (I dont do abortions and defintely didnt want to hv his kid that wld complicate the situation even more in addition I knew I might not be the only other woman) I wouldnt allow myself to become emotionally invested and didnt have to put myself out there to be hurt again the perfect defense mechanisim. It was a win win for me so I thought. He couldnt hurt me because I was in “control” there goes that word again. After a year I did care about him but we never said I love you other than sex. His girlfriend found his extra cell phone and called me via call log we didnt text. This was when flip phones were still popular camera phone just started popping and people stll talked on the phone so texting wasnt as major as it is now. Shoutout to after brick phones but before the slim motorola razor..lol Im naturally a quick thinker So Do I blow his spot up and get him to myself bcuz Im dickmatized briefly crossed my mind. Then reality set in its not drama free anymore this could get ugly or worse he would try to come and live with me. Then that would mean Id have to do a “real” relationship again filled with highs and lows. Not the pain free unicorn utopian sexship we had created. My quick wit said Oh you must be Sheena Tony’s(my sexship) girlfriend. He keeps this phone for me and Andre.( fyi Andre is his best friend). Girl I love Andre I dont know why he wont leave that stupid hoe he with for me. I give him my whole check so he can pay his mama bils (btw his mom is deceased)she hung up. This is the convo I had with myself: damn T you are crazy you lied your ass off quick. You dont really want this manYou are only happy with the sexship because there arent any conflicts to work through. Are you that scared of being hurt you will play yourself. The answer was a sad yes this is safer than a “real” relationship. I had become numb,emotionally detatched to monogomy it only ended in pain and heartache. I was terrified of being disappointed by love. I had just given him the pass of a lifetime and lowered my already low bar even lower. Whats lower to a floor than a rug..smh… This went on another 6years. I didnt date anybody else work was my other companion it kept me occupied during the day and he wld keep me busy at night. Until my employer layed me off. I had a decent severance and 401k the early part of the recession most banks were laying off and not hiring. I was stuck. I didnt have work to keep me busy. Nights/Days with him only highlighted the fact that we hadnt built anything substantial all this time and it was because I allowed it. Hence one of my fav quotes never complain about what you allow. I was going through something and didnt have anyone to comfort me/ hold my hand (not my ass) through the process. He wasnt my rock, he wasnt sunshine after the rain. There was never a ride or die only ride until I bust a nut. I was forced to look at myself and admit this seemingly beautiful, intelligent succesful, ambitious woman on the outside was broken with low self esteem on the inside. It didnt start with HIM, It started with me Not only was I geographically lost the day I met HIM, I later realized in my mind, heart, soul and body I was figuratively lost. Which resulted in me attracting the same caiber of men as my 10yr ex. I ended things with HIM and went on a quest for healing and self love. While searching for those things I found trust ,grace ,gratitude and forgivness too. I thank God for this experience It made me a better woman. Its a privledge to wholeheartledy understand which individuals were put in your life for a reason, season and lifetime. There was a reason he felt familar the day we met.

    (2)
  29. Annie says:

    Wow. Reading this just finally made me realize that I might have been the “other woman” all along. I saw all the signs but refused to believe it and I really did love him. I need to do better

    (1)
  30. Cherry says:

    Well read my life for filth then 0_0

    (1)
  31. Real. Too often it happens and I don’t want to be her not anymore

    (1)
  32. Spot on! Very good read… We all have demons we are journeying to overcome.

    (1)
  33. I think this choice could be dangerous, especially if he becomes too serious and wants you only; it could also be dangerous if he is paying your way which puts stipulations on what you think you can do…there is no sense of freedom with this choice..you think you can see him when you want to, but what happens when your want isn’t fulfilled? You are then left lonely….feeling empty again and abandoned…to me it appears that there is no respect on his part with you being the other woman…I do not understand why someone would make this choice….

    (1)
  34. aby says:

    I don’t understand why the side chick is being glamourised :/ she’s dead wrong and clearly had no self worth.

    (1)
  35. Kia Imani says:

    Girl, at this point I’m starting to think I’m his other woman now. This story was so relateable it was a little scary. We may have a lot more in common than our love for XoNecole.

    Anyway…this was a great read and very well written! Keep pushing lady!

    xx

    (1)
  36. Raven says:

    I was her for three years. That man had a hold on my even God couldn’t shake. I was lost in him. I thought that if he really wanted to be with her, he wouldn’t been with me. It’s like having some sort of power. He would leave sometimes over the three years but he always came back. Then I knew I was important enough to not let go, so why should I care about his girl. Even when she found out, he could lie to appease her, but never leave me. But eventually that got old. Why was I allowing him to keep both of us? He really had the power and I was powerless to the desire that I thought he had to be with me at all costs. I was insecure and for me, knowing I could “take” another woman’s man gave me that umph I needed until I realized that wasn’t power.

    (1)
  37. TGD says:

    A 13 year relationship, I was the other woman. Through the years I grew to love this man as he loved me to. He never told me he got back with his ex after I already opened my legs. I felt like a suckered but feelings were involved and we kept on. He got engaged on me, got married on me, got us pregnant at the same time and I had to plainly abort in my early 30s. He would come see me on her bday, our bday, his anniversary, nye, on avg, he was over 3 to 4 times a week. I have been to cookouts at his house and she told me how she caught him cheating with an ex. It came to a point where I realized my worth. After many attempts to sever ties I was able to detach. He tried and tried but I stood my ground. That’s when he told me if it wasn’t me, it would be someone else, as there was someone else before me, and there will be someone else after. I told him there comes a time we must grow and change. I was happy to part ways and told him to man up and be good to his woman as I am about to be good to myself. It will be October this year and I am single, no sex, focused on loving me and never ever will I settle for 2nd best ever again! I hope this helps somebody out there. It’s embarrassing but it’s my reality and nothing is glorified here.

    (1)
  38. Nikki says:

    I have been the other woman, to someone who was my best friend. I knew my lane and I stayed there. I know it was not right, but oddly I never felt any guilt. I was young and carefree. Now, I am married with a baby and couldn’t imagine my life any different than it is now.

    (0)
  39. Wow, great read

    (0)
  40. Brandi Major says:

    I thought it was a book

    (0)
  41. I enjoyed the read

    (0)
  42. This shit is deeeeeeeeeeeeep my goodness

    (0)
  43. Mmmm…interesting. The whole time I’m thinking they both have commitment issues that’s why they chose each other.

    (0)
  44. Alethea Best says:

    Reminds me of Scandal

    (0)
  45. This was a good read, and being on both sides I definitely can understand…

    (0)
    1. Wow. Sounds like my life 😒

      (0)
    2. Reading this, I felt ALL that shit. It actually made me think for a min like, wtf?! Y do I settle for 2nd 😒

      (0)
  46. Alicia says:

    I’m only human? Cut the crap. I’m racist but I’m only human? God sees all…

    (0)
  47. Caramelkisses says:

    Im reading this in tears I allways talked shit about the other women side piece until i became gere this gits the nail on the head for me

    (0)
  48. Shenail says:

    I wasn’t the other woman really, but in my situation this article hit exactly how I was and am still feeling. Great read!

    (0)
  49. capri says:

    @ Hani the woman from Chicago saying she has to be the other woman because shes dark skinned. That was a hard paragraph to read. I sincerely hope you can find the beauty in yourself and not rely on a man to validate your self love. You are beautifully created. You wasnt put here to be number 2 because your dark skinned but find someone who loves and values you. Live yourself sista. Be alone. Never play second and be a doormat.

    (0)
  50. Lu says:

    I have no sympathy for the other woman. You knew better. These things never end well; they’re always messy. But I noticed how gifs of Rihanna is laced all through this article…

    (0)
  51. Mz. Ivy says:

    This article is beautiful. It shows the struggle between right and wrong and how its not easy to let go like someone from the outside thinks it is. I was the othe woman for almost a year, I was 23 he was in his late 40s and I can honestly say looking back I really didnt love myself and he was giving me the attention i craved. Now that i am a mother i am horrified that I let myself be used like that you live and you learn and now I know I am worth way more than a quick romp in the bed and a quick kiss goodbye.

    (0)
  52. jaim says:

    we have 4 years of history together 1 of which he spent in a federal prison.
    he is a great guy in the sense that if i could build my perfect man it would be him.
    tall, dark, handsome, a provider, great dad to his daughter, makes me feel beautiful, and let’s not forget he is packing an ill pipe game.
    i walked away from our “situationship” 8 months ago because i wanted more and he said he could not give it to me.
    ultimately he ended up going back to his daughter’s mom out of guilt (or what he deems to be guilt.)
    he is miserable with her.
    and i am miserable without him.
    he fought to get my attention almost everyday for 6 months.
    and one day i gave in.
    we have seen one another twice in the last 2 months.
    we talk everyday.
    the stolen moments we do get are enough to last me until the next time.
    he knows i will leave him one day.
    and me i am not so sure.
    i feel like i am blocking my blessings of finding a good man because i am attached to someone elses.
    i love him.
    and i make no apologies for it.
    one day it will all come full circle.
    i will wait for the repercussions.

    (0)
  53. Shay says:

    This here hits very close to home. I have been the other women.

    (0)
  54. I can so relate to every single word of this article. I too, was the other woman. We dealt with each other for 2 and a half years. I knew he would never leave her, nor did I want him too. He was 13 years older than me and he literally had me open. I don’t want to write another novel as I’ve already written one detailing the events of the relationship, however, I will say, the more I read other women’s stories, the less stupid I feel. Thank you for being so open and honest.

    (0)
  55. Niecey says:

    I found myself in this situation 2 years ago. I met him when we were still students in college. We hit it off immediately! I mean I could talk to this dude for hours about anything. And the fact that we were both first generation kids with strict parents from West African countries on a small predominantly white campus made our bond even stronger. Eventually our friendship morphed into a sexual relationship. He was my first. I knew in the back of my mind that I shouldn’t allow myself to be so involved with an emotionally unavailable man but when you’re young and dumb sometimes you tend to ignore reason and logic. I thought that if I continued to be there for him (he’d often state how unhappy he was in his relationship with his gf) and “hold him down” (not only emotionally, but in some instances financially), he would finally realize how great of a woman I was and make it official. I know now that waiting on this man was foolish, and that putting my heart on pause until he would one day magically come to his senses was even more foolish. This wasn’t one of my proudest moments and I still shake my head when I think about how immature I was. Come to think of it…. it was because of my low self-esteem that I justified his actions because I felt that I did not deserve full commitment.

    Weaning myself off of him and away from our “situationship” was probably one of the hardest things I had to do. But I knew that it was for the best. I told him everything that had been weighing on my chest for over two years and then cut his ass off. I took to extremes— deleting and blocking him on all forms of social media, telecommunication, and even email! I gave myself time and space to mourn the loss of our friendship, because we were really good friends first. It hurt like hell, but I had to learn to live without him in my life. And with each passing day as I focus on my career, my spirituality, and self-love, the hurt becomes less and less and the wounds start to heal. I’m slowly getting to a place of forgiveness for myself for enabling and allowing that situation.

    And like the author, now I know better and will do better!

    (0)
    1. Naa says:

      Wow…. More power to you hun.

      (0)
  56. No offense, but… actually, lots of offense:

    You were always willing to give him what he wasn’t getting? Two things:

    (1) (Playing psychotherapist) He wasn’t getting a fulfilling relationship FROM HIS WOMAN. You could never give him that.

    (2) (Playing the Indignant Husband) I get that you quit it after you hit it… after a while. But YOU are to blame for the entire thing–you stayed up late with him drinking wine! What do you think is supposed to happen when a man and a woman are alone with a bottle of booze? Wake up women! If you’re the other woman, YOU are to blame.

    That being said, I’m glad you came to your senses morally, and I’m glad that you felt like you could share your experience in this blog. Good girl.

    (0)
  57. April Ellis says:

    I am kind of in that situation right now. I’ve been knowing this guy since I was in my early years of Elementary school. After I had my oldest son, we became intimate. At this particular time he wasn’t in a relationship, at least to my acknowledge he wasn’t. Years later we are still intimate, but this time around he had an girlfriend who is n ow his fiancé. I k n ow for sure that me and him will never work, but like this author, I just can’t stop it. I’ve been to there house when no one was there. I know that if it was me and I found something out like this about the man I plan on spending the rest of my life with I know I would be devastated. I see her on social media with him looking happy all the time. A part of me feels like the excitement of us being a secret is the best part for me. I don’t love him, but I love what we have.

    (-2)
  58. Hani says:

    In Chicago, there’s no choice for darker skinned women. Other woman or nothing. I’m the other woman and it’s cool. I’ve given up on marriage and my family so it works.

    (-14)
    1. Diva says:

      Hani, being dark-skinned is no excuse for being the other woman. The problem is low self worth. If a man can’t see past your skin tone, then he’s not a man of good character and you need to keep it moving. He’s simply not worthy. There are plenty of men that appreciate women of deep skin tones. You have to first appreciate yourself and see yourself as deserving better. Until you do that, you will continue to be leftovers. If nothing else move from Chicago girl. Don’t settle. It may work for now but it is not fulfilling and u will be left empty and lonely like the writer.

      (6)
      1. Kim says:

        I agree with everything you said. Except, being dark-skin is not something to “see past”. Its not a flaw. If a man can;t see your worth and your beauty, then he’s not worth it

        (1)
        1. Diva says:

          Kim, I didnt’ mean it that way. but I do see how you came to that conclusion. I meant if he can’t see the beauty in dark skin and her as an individual, then he’s not worth it. But thanks for bringing that to my attention.

          (2)
    2. SoundKnox says:

      Black is beautiful!You have to realize your worth and that you deserve more.

      (0)
    3. la reine noire says:

      i am a dark-skinned woman in chicago & i don’t date married/attached men.
      are you dating only african american men? i would like to know. i see these self-hating coonish black men and how much they value light skin in chicago.

      (0)
  59. T says:

    I currently am the other woman. We had a thing 12 years ago and 6 months ago found ourselves rekindling whatever it is we have. I know it’s not right but this started back after being cheated on in a relationship that was over 7 years. I kept to myself for over a year, I waited, but I’m human and I got tired of spending every waking moment alone. As the article said, the little of something he leaves is better than the nothingness…(however it was worded). Bottom line, I know it’s wrong but I’m human.

    (-7)

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