The Godparents Title: Who Really Deserves It
When I became pregnant with my first son, everyone stressed to me the importance of having Godparents. Although I never had one myself growing up, I had friends who spoke highly of the people in their lives who weren't blood related, yet fulfilled their roles as guardians should something happen to the parent(s).
In understanding the significance of a Godparent, I decided to choose mutual friends between me and my partner–an honor accepted by all who were chosen. Best friends got first dibs on the title and had the privilege of calling my child their nephew and Godson, but months after, I realized some weren't living up to their roles and did nothing at all. There were no check-ins or genuine interests or concerns about the wellbeing of my son and soon thereafter, I realized that I had selected people because we shared a few years of good friendship, formed by long college nights and post-grad happy hours.
Two of the “Godparents" had a wavering faith in God and hadn't gone to church in years. With other friends who were Mommies, I witnessed a similar pattern of picking besties to play the part. In becoming uncomfortable with the fact that people ran with the title and didn't walk the talk, I wondered who actually deserves to be chosen and called a Godparent.
Godparents should not only live up to the capacity of being a positive role model through investing their time into a child for a long lasting relationship, but should also help that child grow in the faith of God. Godparents should serve as mentors, setting an example of how one is to live and walk in Christianity. In a conversation that should've been discussed prior to the arrival of our son, my partner and I realized that some of our friends picked up the role without having to be crowned a Godparent, while others excitedly wore the title like a badge of honor but refused to put in the work. While my friends jumped at the opportunity to be a Godmother–finding more of an interest to flaunt a title and be called “Auntie" than the live up to the expectations–there wasn't a sincere interest in the child.
Godparents aren't a must in a child's life and opting into having one (or two) boils down to selecting people who are practicing members of the faith, dedicated to assisting in the child's spiritual growth. People change and most friendships don't last forever, so it's important to choose someone other than the close friend you knew from way back when.
If I could do it all over, I would.
Children deserve someone who is going to fulfill the duties of a Godparent–one who is willing to invest in them spiritually and ready to pick up where the child's parents left off, should something happen–not a family friend who likes the word and not the work.
I asked a few friends what their thoughts were on being a Godparent, the roles they play and what it means to take on the title. Check out a few of the answers below!
“When my friend first asked me to be a godparent, it honestly felt like an honor because she could've chosen anybody else for the role. She told me that she knew if something were to happen to her or her parents that she knew I would make sure that her son was taken care of. Being a godparent is just about having the title, but realizing that someone trusts you with their child in the event of unfortunate circumstances. Though I can't always be around for my godchild since I live in another state, I do my best to be there for birthdays or holidays and to be aware of what's going on in his life." – Kiah
“The role of a Godparent in todays' society is often overlooked and forgotten. Many people are just focusing on the “title" and not the positive actions he/she should be displaying for the child. Becoming a Godparent means that you are chosen to mold and help guide a child, a responsibility to be cherished. Trust that you can nurture, give words of encouragement and advice that will allow them to navigate this difficult world. As a Godparent it is important for the individual chosen to be physically present when the parent is unable to do so. If religion plays a large role within that family it is the duty of a Godparent to ensure the child is taken to sunday school and church whenever the parent(s) are unable to do so. Also, it is the duty of a Godparent to ensure that their Godchild gets the necessay steps to help maintain a comfortable and self-sufficient life." – Kenni
“When I was asked to be a Godparent, I expected the position because my best friend asked me to I'd do anything for her. I really didn't know what the role of being a Godparent was besides being second in line in taking care of the child, God forbid, anything should happen to the parents. But I love being a Godparent because its practice for me in the future for when or if I decide to have kids. I also believe that having a child is the only way you'll be able to create a better version of yourself and even though I didn't give birth to my Godchild, I'd like to believe that being around, makes that child the best version of our friendship. There's a piece of me and her within him." – Janaé
“I asked a family member to be the Godfather to my child because of how much he did for me growing up. At first he denied the opportunity, saying he didn't go to church and knew walking in the faith was a big part of being a good Godparent, but when I became sick not too long after having my daughter, he accepted, knowing that things change in a second and someone needs to be there to pick up where I left off. Since then, he's been highly active in her life–taking her out on weekends, celebrating milestones with her, and so on and so forth–on top of being a father of three to his own children. My little girl now knows that someone has her back and cares for her wellbeing, not because her mother and her cousin are related in some way, but because he picked up that title and has thrived in it." – Angel
Do you or your child(ren) have Godparents? Are they necessary? Weigh in in the comment section.
Featured image by Getty Images
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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