Tamron Hall On How She Became A Living, Breathing Being Mary Jane
“I hate when people have that view towards marriage just because others around them are divorced or going through issues. What does their failed marriage have to do with you?"
That was a comment from a reader on an article I recently wrote about mismatched expectations. I hate to admit it that with #RelationshipGoals hashtags being thrown around and endless articles encouraging men to find themselves an “Ayesha Curry" or "Michelle Obama" to wife up, the media and the relationships we're surrounded by affect our outlooks on love more than we'd like to believe.
We'd all like to think we're creating a unique love story all our own, but most of us want the same things you'd find in any The Perfect Match type rom-com: respect, trust and someone who won't judge us when we spend way too much in Target…every single damn time.
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Journalist and first African-American female co-host of The Today Show, Tamron Hall, is no exception. In an interview with People magazine, she once revealed how her sister's tragic experience in a relationship has seriously impacted her own ideas about love and intimacy.
"No one deserves what happened to my sister," Hall opened up about witnessing her sister, Renate, become involved in an abusive relationship. In 2004, Renate was found bludgeoned and beaten to death floating face down in the pool of her Houston, Texas home. The incident was the final blow in Renate's history of being involved with abusive men. Hall reveals she witnessed a violent altercation herself on one occasion.
"I said to her, 'What's wrong with you?' 'You're too beautiful. Too smart. You can do better.' All the things I've learned now are wrong [from domestic abuse advocates], I did them all," Hall revealed about the incident she witnessed in her own home.
Hall says she was upstairs when she heard a scuffle from downstairs. When she came down, she found a bruised Renate in the middle of a room in shambles. After asking the man to leave, Tamron began to question her sister about the relationship. As an advocate for women who are victims of domestic violence, Hall now knows that it's important for women in these situations to not feel judged. Renate stayed in the relationship until her untimely death. Although the man was the only person of interest in the investigation of Renate's death, due to lack of evidence, no arrests were made and the case remains an unsolved homicide.Hall admits that she carries some guilt for her sister's death and feels knowing what she knows now, she could've handled things differently:
"I think Renate thought some part of me still judged her."
But Renate's death has not been in vain. In her honor, Hall has committed a part of her career to advocating for victims of domestic violence and educating friends and family members on how to support loved ones who find themselves in abusive relationships. Hall works with groups like Safe Horizon and Day One to help families of victims find closure. In 2015, she was honored the Women of Courage Award by Philadelphia's Lutheran Settlement House for her work in sharing the stories of survivors of domestic violence on the Today Show's Shine a Light series.
But the conflicting feelings surrounding her sister's experience have affected more than Hall's professional mission, they have affected her personal life as well. Joking that her friends have nicknamed her “The Runaway Bride," Hall admits that Renate's relationships have made her approach her own with caution:
"I've been engaged a couple times. Thank God no one was abusive, but [my sister's situation] makes me cautious."
The 47-year-old shared that she's been engaged twice but never made it down the aisle:
“I never bought a dress, but I was close, in Vegas and another time in Cozumel," she says. "I chickened out both times." Tamron Hall with family and sister Renate (right).
Photo courtesy of Tamron Hall
Hall also admits that a phobia of divorce along with the demands of her career have also played a huge part in her hesitance to commit to long-term relationship. “I'm sad about it some days," she revealed although she is quick to confirm that the success she's experienced as a journalist is a pretty big damn deal:
"I know it's rare to have a single woman on morning TV who doesn't have a child, and I'm Black! But I love my job."
As a super Tamron Hall stan, I must admit I love the job that she's doing too. Hall holds it, balancing sass and sophistication, and being the “young and fly" auntie I never had. She might as well be a living, breathing Being Mary Jane. But don't get it twisted, Hall is no slave to her success and finds time to schedule some fun in after handling business:
"I date, don't get me wrong," she says. "I'm not up here filing my fingernails on a Friday night. I want to find someone to share my life with."
And if possible she wants to have it ALL:
"I've not given up on having a child. But I hope whatever route of parenthood I choose, whether it's adoption or I'm able to conceive, I just hope that I'm able to give someone as beautiful a life as my parents gave me."
Hall's whole approach to relationships got me thinking about the examples of love that are set for us and how they define what a healthy relationship is and exactly what we want. Growing up in a two-parent household, I was lucky to witness a relationship of love, respect, and loyalty between my parents on a daily basis. My mother taught me how to maintain my independence while still being a part of a team. My father taught me the importance of having standards and demanding respect. But more than that, I owe a lot of what I learned about relationships to my older sister. I love my big sis to death, but I have to admit I learned a lot about what I didn't want in a relationship from her example.
I think the only thing as painful as watching your daughter deal with heartbreak, is witnessing your mom or sister deal with losing love.
There were plenty of times I've sat in my room listening to New Edition and Troop beg and plead on the other side of the wall, muffling my sister's cries. In addition to watching my sister give her all to men from the very beginning of a relationship, (fulfilling my duties as an annoying little sis) I've read diary entries about how she would fall head over heels only to get taken advantage of or cheated on. Witnessing these lessons firsthand didn't make me exempt to the heartbreak any teenage girl has to go through as a rite of passage, but I did find myself keeping my guard up a little longer after meeting a guy.
I was hesitant to start acting like a girlfriend before officially getting the title. I saw my sister make lunches for men who didn't have enough respect to not double book their side chicks so they didn't all show up with soup and a sandwich at the same damn time. Some relationships I didn't take as seriously because I knew maintaining my independence and keeping my options open would lessen the chances that I'd find myself crying into my pillow to “Can You Stand The Rain?"
Whether it's your parents going 22 years strong or Ayesha Curry cheering from the sidelines when her hubby Steph breaks another three-pointer record, there's nothing wrong with looking to the relationships around us as a reference for what we want or don't want from love.
What matters most is that we use these examples to help shape what works for us. We all won't be Ayesha Curry, but there are some pretty awesome Kisha's, Bianca's, and Michelle's that are holding it down for their men just fine. Just because your BFF has been cheated on by every man she's ever been with, doesn't mean it's only a matter of time before you discover it going down in your own man's DM's. You have to take into account the unique circumstances of each relationship on its own. If Hall's experience can teach us anything, it's that every relationship, good or bad, can teach you about what you want from love as well as a thing or two you may not have known about yourself.
"It hasn't shaped my life, but it's given me courage I didn't know I had."
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Kendrick Lamar And Whitney Alford: A Timeline Of Their Decades-Long Relationship
Kendrick Lamar and Whitney Alford are one of those couples who like to live their lives outside of the public eye. Unlike many celebrity couples, we don’t really hear a lot of details about their relationship in blogs and social media except for when Kendrick raps about it. Whitney has even been featured on many of her fiancé’s songs, but it was his last album, Mr. Morale & The Big Steppers, where he was the most vulnerable.
Outside of supporting her Pulitzer Prize-winning man, Whitney is also a licensed esthetician and makeup artist. The couple share two beautiful children together and seem to enjoy their privacy. From high school sweethearts to starting a family, here is a timeline of Kendrick Lamar and Whitney Alford’s relationship.
2001-2005?: Kendrick Lamar and Whitney Alford Meet
Whitney Alford and Kendrick Lamar at 2016 Key to the City Ceremony
Photo by Johnny Nunez/Getty Images
Kendrick and Whitney met in high school. However, there’s not a lot of details about what year. The two attended Centennial High School, which is located in Compton, CA, and began dating shortly after becoming friends.
2009: Kendrick Lamar Raps About Whitney
In his 2009 self-titled EP, Kendrick rapped about Whitney in the songs “She Needs Me” and “Determined.” He highlighted how he can’t live without her in “She Needs Me” and shared how she’s been his rock in “Determined.”
2014: Kendrick Lamar and Whitney Alford’s First Public Appearance as a Couple
56th Grammy Awards with Kendrick Lamar and Whitney Alford
Photo by Christopher Polk/Getty Images for NARAS
Whitney stepped out with Kendrick for the first time at the 56th Grammy Awards. Kendrick was nominated for seven awards, including Best Rap Album for Good Kid, M.A.A.D City.
2015: Kendrick Calls Whitney His Best Friend
Talking to Billboard in January, the Compton rapper opened up about his love for Whitney. “I wouldn’t even call her my girl,” he said. “That’s my best friend. I don’t even like the term that society has put in the world as far as being a companion — she’s somebody I can tell my fears to.”
Whitney Appears on Kendrick’s "To Pimp a Butterfly" Album
In March 2015, Kendrick dropped his highly anticipated third album, To Pimp a Butterfly, andWhitney provided backup vocals for songs “King Kunta” and “Wesley’s Theory.”
Kendrick Confirms Engagement to Whitney Alford
Kendrick Lamar and Whitney Alford at 2015 BET Awards
Photo by Johnny Nunez/BET/Getty Images for BET
During a The Breakfast Club interview, the Grammy award-winning artist confirmed that he and his high school sweetheart were engaged. “Yeah, definitely,” he said. “I’m loyal to the soul.”
2019: Kendrick Lamar and Whitney Alford Welcome Their First Child
It was reported that the couple had their first child in July 2019. While her name wasn’t revealed at the time, fans later suggested that he mentioned her name in his song “Mr. Morale,” which is off of his fifth album, Mr. Morale & the Big Steppers. He rapped, “Uzi, your father's in deep meditation.”
2022: Kendrick Lamar and Whitney Alford Welcomes Their Second Child
The couple quietly welcomed a second child, a baby boy named Enoch and they made the big reveal on the cover of the Mr. Morale & the Big Steppers album. The cover features Kendrick holding Uzi while Whitney holds Enoch. Kendrick also mentioned Enoch’s name in his song “Mr. Morale” when he rapped, “Enoch, your father's just detoxed.”
Whitney Reflects on Working With Kendrick on "Mr. Morale & the Big Steppers"
In May, the makeup artist reflected on working with Kendrick on the album, which she helped narrate, and thanked him in an Instagram post. “Sometimes the mirror is a harsh critic. Shit can get real ugly. Im proud of the work we’ve done individually and as a family. Honored to be a part of this album @kendricklamar. Thank you for your transparency. Healing can begin…,” she wrote.
Whitney Appears in Kendrick's "Count Me Out" Music Video
Whitney also appeared in her beau’s “Count Me Out” music video and shared a snippet on her Instagram page in December.
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Feature image by Lester Cohen/Getty Images for NARAS