The Truth About How Men Handle Heartbreak
Maybe you're tired of wrestling with anxiety every time your man takes two hours to answer your texts or perhaps you don't trust the week-long disappearing act he pulls every time you have an argument. Or maybe it was something that had a little more bite to it, like that text he accidentally sent you about how he can't wait to tear your behind up again like the night before…even though last night you were working a double.
Either way, it's OVER, and while you're sitting around in your roller set re-enacting Ciara's “I Bet You" dance moves in the mirror while trying not to spill the Pinot you've been sipping, you can only imagine that homeboy is pulling a Meek Mill with his newfound freedom.
With every minute that “Heyy…" text doesn't come through your imagination starts running wild about how dude is really handling the healing process. Is he at the nearest “Shaky Butts" making it rain on a pair of twins “surfboardting" on the pole? Maybe he's in bed with his shady behind co-worker that never liked you while you're crying your heart out over an online shopping cart of Michael Kors' slides. Or just maybe he's fighting back the tears right along with you attempting an off-key version of Boyz II Men's “Doin' Just Fine" with the help of some brown liquor.
When it comes to breaking up, the media is filled with clichéd images of women sobbing over a pint of Rocky Road for weeks before cutting their hair off and doing something dramatic like moving to Tuscany to start a new life. Men, however, can't seem to get over their ex's fast enough before getting on top of someone else. But do men truly handle heartbreak better than women, or does it only appear that way?
A recent study may prove that although it appears men aren't fazed by break ups, the truth is they just handle them differently. Last summer, Binghamton University and University College London teamed up for a study about how men and women compare when it comes to breaking up. Researchers surveyed 5,707 men and women, with an average age of just under 27-years-old, from 96 different countries and discovered that while women experience more emotional extremes in the aftermath, men take longer to recover. So although ex-bae isn't crying into the cookie dough, you can rest assured that somewhere down the line, he's still probably being haunted by the ghosts of girlfriends past. Don't bust out with the “Why you so obsessed with me" just yet, because that may not be a good thing, especially for the next girl.
Researchers determined that instead of processing their feelings and reflecting on the part they played in the relationship's demise, men simply just move on to the next partner. Meaning that if you broke up on Thursday, and he's already dating Crystal by Tuesday, although the rest of his anatomy is probably in it, his heart and head aren't. The study looked at this behavior from an evolutionary perspective and determined that men are more likely to date on the rebound because historically they are used to competing for the attention of women, and it may take them longer to realize what they've lost. Women, however, tend to be choosier about the relationships they enter into in the first place. When it's over they may take the break up harder since they didn't approach it as casually in the first place.
Another surprising find from the study: Women tend to be the dumper more often than the dumpee. This is important because the one who has already given up in his/her head can already begin moving on before the break-up is common knowledge. The Binghamton study revealed that the “dumpee" experiences more relationship grief since they are forced to move on abruptly. In theory, since men have had more practice at getting over it, they are able to do so more quickly.
The way we problem-solve has a lot to do with how we handle the break-up as well:
“The woman often looks at a breakup as a problem to be solved, whereas the logic-oriented man looks at the same breakup as a problem that has already been solved."“For men, the breakup is the end. For women, the breakup is the beginning of a larger psychological dilemma."
It might shed some light on why after a break-up, many women find themselves initiating a new project to conquer: Going to school, starting a business, checking that “trip to Spain" off your bucket list. We need to prove that we can be successful and solve a problem. And there's nothing wrong with that as long as the goal is to improve yourself and not to try and fix the problems of previous relationships vicariously through new projects…and people. Maybe we need to take note from the guys and stop looking at a break-ups as “another relationship I just f--ked up" and more like “that problem I just solved."
In other words, ladies, keep up the good work with the vision boards, inspirational quotes and sun salutations. Reflecting on what you want in a relationship and focusing on ways to improve will only make you a better mate for the next man, instead of wandering around aimlessly cuffing up anything like our male counterparts.
Next time you find yourself playing the woulda, coulda, shoulda game with how you could've made things work, take the end of the relationship for exactly what it is: the end of waiting for hours for him to text back, the end of wondering what he's been doing for a week before popping back into your life and the end of a situation that one or more of you is unhappy in.
Meanwhile, I asked a few real life guys to honestly reveal how they've handled heartache in the past. (We will call them Brian, Darrell, and Michael). Take a look at how they handled being told, “to the left, to the left."
How long has it been since your last break up?
Michael: 6 maybe 7 years.
Darrell: October. 2 years ago, maybe a little more.
Brian: 4 years.
Were you the dumper or the dumpee? How did things end (through text, an argument, caught cheating etc.)?
Michael: Dumpee. She moved on to someone else.
Darrell: Dumper. Honestly we discussed how we felt, and where we both were concerning each other at that time, at which point I suggested separation.
Brian: Dumper. I was immature and wasn't ready to live with someone. We ended up arguing over whether to get a dog or not and I felt disrespected because she was determined to do what she wanted and get the damn Yorkie.
What did you do immediately following the break-up? How long did it take you to get over the relationship (or did you ever get over it)?
Michael: Hung out with a close cousin. About a year, but never fully got over it just accepted it for what it was.
Darrell: Pursued friendships I'd developed outside my relationship to see what could happen.
Brian: I moved out the next day. In fact I moved a couple of hours away. When I think of it, the argument was probably about way more than the dog.
Did you do anything in particular to get over it or "heal" (Date someone else, have sex, drink, go to strip club, focus on work/school)? What do you feel was most effective in helping you heal?
Michael: I dated and had sex with a few women but it just didn't feel the same, I guess cause my heart couldn't get there so I focused on work. Work helped a lot cause when I went out with women I would always think of her. So being at work allowed me to bury thoughts of her.
Darrell: After realizing that a close friendship I'd developed wouldn't be able to become anything more, I started looking at the random girls I was dating; their goals, their situations (kids, ex's), what they had going for them (car, living situation, education). I started questioning what the hell was I doing, and what had I done to my relationship to be out here dating from scratch, women that in some cases were starting from scratch (still living with parents, no mode of transportation, not in school).
Brian: S—t, I did all of the above and I feel like they all helped me get through it. Having sex with other women definitely was the only time I completely stopped thinking of her.
How long after the break-up did you have sex again (whether it was with that person or someone else)?
Michael: About 6 months.
Darrell: Couple of weeks.
Brian: A few days later.
How long after the break-up did you enter into a new relationship?
Michael: Never, since I take a long time to open up no one would stay around long enough to see where it goes.
Darrell: About 6/7 months later. Around March/April I got back with the ex.
Brian: A few weeks later. I don't like to be alone. Who honestly wants to be alone? No man really is that hype about being single. If he says he is, he's lying.
Do you think the break-up was your fault, your partner's or no one's fault? If someone was at fault, how so?
Michael: Partially yes, she gave hints of how to keep her, but I was too dumb to realize it. Instead of listening I would rebel, try to out-do others and be disrespectful to her, which turned into arguments that in the end pushed her away into the arms of another man. I thought I needed to be something I wasn't when all I really needed to do was just be me and better myself, which in the end is what she liked about me most. It was how I got her in the first place.
Darrell: Definitely my fault. I was unhappy and I suspected she was, too. All I did was verbalize the inevitable.
Brian: It was both of ours. I was rushing to get over the relationship I had before her. She was rushing to make the relationship more than it was too soon.
Are you still friends/still keep in contact with this person?
Michael: Yes and yes.
Darrell: Yes, we're still together to this day.
Brian: I married her.
Featured image via Tenor
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Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Growing up in Brooklyn, New York, Caribbean culture has always been all around me, from the food to the dancehall and soca music to traditions carried out by all of the Caribbean people living in the city. As a youngin, I loved attending the West Indian Day Parade every September because the floats, steel drums, extravagant feathers, and upbeat music made me feel free and gave me a deeper appreciation for the culture.
As I got older, I learned that the yearly Carnivals happening across the Caribbean put NYC’s little festivities to shame. Traveling to the islands themselves and experiencing the people and culture first-hand really gives you a deeper understanding and appreciation for Caribbean culture.
The history of Carnival celebrations in the Caribbean can be traced back to enslaved people who were forbidden from participating in the Pre-Lenten celebrations and thus created their own celebrations and traditions, which over time developed into celebrations of freedom and rebellion. Each country in the Caribbean has its own unique history of celebrations, as well as its own Carnival traditions that set it apart from other festivities.
What started as a Pre-Lenten celebration is now celebrated during a range of months throughout the year and now attracts hundreds of people from all over the world. Here are six carnivals that you should go to this year to experience this culture for yourself.
Crop Over - Barbados Carnival
Crop Over Dates: July 31, 2024 - August 6, 2024
What better place to celebrate carnival than the home of our Bajan Queen Rihanna? While some festivities start as early as May, the official festival season in Barbados starts in July and ends in early August. Crop Over originally started as a way for plantation workers to celebrate the end of the sugarcane harvest season and has now evolved into a much larger celebration. Crop Over is a blend of both old and new traditions, such as the Ceremonial Delivery of the Last Canes, and Cohobblopot, where bands show off their beautiful costumes and play soca and calypso music.
All of the week's festivities culminate with the Grand Kadooment, Crop Over’s big parade featuring all of the bands and droves of people taking to the streets in their beautiful costumes and dancing to the local music.
Other things to do: Visit Hunte’s Garden in Joseph’s Parish and find peace in the picturesque garden while spotting an array of different birds and animals. If you’re looking for beach relaxation, spend a day at Carlisle Bay, the perfect beach for swimming, taking in some sun, and a possible turtle sighting.
Saint Thomas Carnival
Saint Thomas Carnival Dates: April 28, 2024 - May 5, 2024
No passport? That won’t be a problem for U.S. travelers looking to get in on the carnival experience. Saint Thomas, one of the three U.S. Virgin Islands, is known for its crystal clear beaches, scuba diving scene, and overall vibrant culture. The island celebrates its carnival in late April and features a dynamic lineup of events including colorful adult and kiddie parades, calypso competitions, and street parties. Virgin Islanders are known to love to party, so make sure to fill up before the festivities with some local favorites like johnny cakes, callaloo, and conch fritters.
With its rich cultural heritage and lively atmosphere, this is a carnival experience perfect for a first-timer who wants to ease their way into the lifestyle.
Other things to do: Visit one of Saint Thomas’ many turquoise blue beaches such as Coki, Magens Bay, Brewers Bay, or Lindquist Beach. Coki Beach is perfect if you're looking for a more lively experience and want to snorkel without swimming far out, and Brewers Bay is best known for the sea turtles that you can see from the sand. You can also take a short ferry over to Saint John, another of the Virgin Islands, and spend a day at Lime Out, a floating taco and margarita bar.
Spicemas - Grenada Carnival
Courtesy of Grenada Tourism Authority
Spicemas Dates: August 7, 2024 - August 14, 2024
Grenada, also known as the Spice Isle due to its production of a variety of spices, has one of the most anticipated carnivals every year. During Spicemas, revelers hit the streets for lively music, paint, oil, dancing, and good times. One of the most important aspects of Spicemas is Jab Jab, a celebration that involves covering one's body in black oil or paint. This tradition started as a post-emancipation masquerade, in which former enslaved Africans would paint themselves black emulating a “Jab” derived from the French word diable, which means devil.
This was a way of mocking their former masters and also represented rebellion and freedom. Since then, the tradition has evolved into a staple of Carnival on J’ouvert morning, a celebration of freedom, and undoubtedly an element that makes Grenada stand out from other Carnivals across the diaspora. Outside of J’ouvert, Spicemas is a beautiful culmination of colorful and vibrant costumes, steel band competitions, delicious rum, and music that you’ll dance to all night.
Grenada is celebrating 50 years of independence this year, so just know that Spicemas is going to be extra special!
Other things to do: For the ocean lovers, the Molinere Bay Underwater Sculpture Park is a must-see attraction. It is the world's first underwater sculpture park and a popular excursion for folks visiting the island. This year, five new installations are being added to the park, which can all be viewed through snorkeling, diving, or a glass bottom boat ride.
Antigua Carnival
Antigua Carnival Dates: July 31, 2024 - August 7, 2024
Every August, carnival lovers flock to the beautiful island of Antigua for its annual carnival festival. First celebrated in 1957, Antigua’s Carnival started as a celebration of emancipation from slavery and has since expanded into a dynamic showcase of local talent, music, and cultural pride. Some events to look forward to are the Party Monarch and Calypso Monarch competitions, as well as the Caribbean Queen’s Competition.
Antigua Carnival is an almost two-week extravaganza that leads into J’ouvert on Carnival Monday and the main parade on Carnival Tuesday. If you love good music, vibrant costumes, and delicious food, this is the carnival for you.
Other things to do: Take a trip to Shirley Heights Lookout for live music and breathtaking panoramic views of the coastline and ocean. And with 365 beaches in total, you’d be missing out if you didn’t fit in a few on your itinerary.
Bermuda Carnival
Bermuda Carnival Dates: June 12, 2024 - June 17, 2024
Also known as Heroes Weekend, Bermuda Carnival may be smaller than some of the other carnivals, but is still a great time. Bermuda is one of the newer carnivals, originating in 2015. Celebrated in June, this long weekend of festivities draws inspiration from other popular carnivals while also highlighting elements of Bermudian culture. You can expect some similar elements as other countries such as daily fetes, soca music, and a parade filled with different bands and extravagant costumes.
They also celebrate Bermuda’s National Heroes during carnival with a national feast. Bermudians have immense pride in their country and culture, and their carnival is the biggest celebration of the year that you don’t want to miss.
Other things to do: Take a day trip to Crystal and Fantasy Caves, beautiful caves formed over millions of years that you can take tours of. Spend a few hours taking in these beautiful natural wonders and seeing some of the formations and underground pools.
Saint Lucia Carnival
Saint Lucia Carnival Dates: July 10, 2024 - July 17, 2024
Home to some of the most beautiful mountains and beaches in the Caribbean, Saint Lucia has the perfect backdrop for an unforgettable carnival experience. Saint Lucia Carnival didn’t take flight until the late 1940s but has grown into a favorite for both novice and seasoned masqueraders. Formerly held in February, this carnival now kicks off in July which allows it not to compete with the highly revered Trinidadian carnival that also happens at that time. Saint Lucia’s Carnival has grown in popularity over the years because of the lively music, delicious food, and turned-up fetes.
One of the highlights is the Parade of the Bands, where masqueraders adorned in elaborate costumes dance through the streets to the rhythms of soca, calypso, and steelpan music. The best way to prepare for the Saint Lucia Carnival is to stay hydrated and well-fed so that you can thoroughly enjoy the plethora of events and parties happening from early morning to nightfall.
Other things to do:The Pitons, Gros Piton and Petit Piton are a UNESCO World Heritage Site and one of the main attractions in Saint Lucia. Take a hike of Gros Piton or just marvel at its natural beauty. If you're there on a Friday night, stop by the weekly Gros Islet Street Party, which is filled with music, drinks, and local food.
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Featured image courtesy of Grenada Tourism Authority