I have always been a "dating for marriage" girl. It's a concept that has been drilled and killed into me by every woman in my family. And while that may still be the goal for most, I think I'm starting to realize that it may not necessarily be for me. At least, not right now!
In case you have been living under a rock somewhere, a situationship is basically you and another person doing couple things without being an official couple. It's a concept that is celebrated among men and hated among women. I used to hate it too... Until I got in one.
I've only been in one serious relationship in my twenty-something years of life. Once I got over that heartbreak, I tested the waters to see what other fishies were out there. Each and every time I threw out my cast, I came up empty-handed.
Each. And. Every. Time.
After I promised myself to give myself a break from men, an old college friend and I reconnected on Twitter and exchanged a few innocent DMs. After a couple of weeks, we graduated into exchanging numbers and started a platonic texting friendship. This eventually matured into an actual friendship and we started hanging out. As expected, I caught feelings and shared it with him.
He expressed that the feeling was mutual but he wasn't seeking a relationship, mainly because we would be long distance. We agreed to let whatever happens happen, and three years later, our situationship is still going strong.
Now I know, three years is a long ass time to be emotionally invested in someone without the promise of a relationship. Trust me, I've had several pep talks and coming to Jesus moments with myself about whether or not I was stupid for allowing it to happen and even more so, accepting not having a title so willingly. When I expressed my sentiments with one of my homegirls, she simply asked: "If you're happy right now, then what does it matter that ya'll don't have a title?"
And that was a question worth answering.
If I'm happy, in this space, then why am I worried?
My lil' boo has been more supportive, encouraging, motivating, and loving than any man I've ever been committed to or dated. In the past three years, random girls haven't called my cell phone questioning me about him, ex-friends haven't popped up pregnant with "my man" being the father, and I haven't had a need to utilize my fabulous FBI skills to investigate his social media; things I constantly did it in my past.
My situationship is no different than anyone else's relationship. Since bae and I are long-distance by a few hours, we make communication a priority. FaceTime plays a big role in how we communicate, as well as texting each other funny social media videos and memes. Even though we're long-distance, we're still close enough to see each other, so we try to see each other at least once a month, although we usually see each other more than that.
To ensure we have the best time possible, we take turns planning dates. Bae is a big basketball fan, so I surprised him with tickets to see his favorite team. He knows I love movies, so for the next date, he planned a movie night with all of my favorite movies, snacks, and wine! We celebrate birthdays with each other and holidays with each other's families. This is what works for us!
To make sure bae and I stay on the same page, we keep three things at the forefront of our foundation: communication, respect, and fun. Relationships alone can't function without communication, and it's even more true for situationships. We talk about how we're feeling, we remain very open with each other, and we listen to each other. We respect each other's feelings and time, and make sure that our time spent together is filled with laughs and good vibes. And don't get me wrong, just because it's a situationship doesn't mean we don't go through usual relationship issues.
We fight, argue, and disagree on trivial things like what restaurant we're going for dinner, as well as big things like him forgetting something I told him months ago. But we always work it out because we are open and honest with each other. If I'm not feeling something that's happening, I let him know and he does the same; and that's key.
Dating society has placed this stigma on women especially, that if you and a potential partner aren't mutually exclusive after dating for four to six months, then your time is being wasted and you should move on to the next. Society frowns upon situationships because usually for the woman, she gets nothing in return.
But I, along with several other women [Oprah and Cassie] are a testament that that myth isn't true. There is nothing wrong with situationships, especially if both parties involved are on the same page about how to handle them.
That being said, situationships truly aren't for everybody, and I'm still navigating through emotions to figure out if it's for me, but for where I am now, I feel at peace and I am enjoying what I have with who I have it with for as long we decide to continue to be partners. I'm glad that I don't let society play me into thinking that this isn't an acceptable option when seeking compatible companionship.
To all my beautiful queens out there, stop letting people tell you what type of relationship to be in! If you want a relationship, get one. If you want a situationship, be in one. If a friends-with-benefits scenario is more your speed, then so be it. But make sure that whatever your decision is promotes your happiness above anyone else's.
Want to read more stories like this? Check out these xoNecole related reads:
5 Love Lessons I've Learned From Being In A Situationship
Reclaiming My Power: Why I'm Saying 'No' To Sex
12 Ways To Boss Up And Move On From Your Situationship
The 4 Types Of F*ckboys & How To Avoid Dating Them
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Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what April has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
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TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
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GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
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CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
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LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
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SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
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CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
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PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
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I thought that it was important to address this term for a couple of different reasons. One is for the reason that is mentioned in the origin story of sobergasms that I will address in just a sec. Another is because…people who are in long-term committed relationships? I think it’s pretty safe to say that, unless they both have some sort of substance abuse situation going on, most of them have sex some, if not most of the time, without alcohol (and certainly without drunkenness) being involved. Those who engage in casual/recreational sex, though? Well, I’ve got some stats included in this piece that will show you how much alcohol and copulation go hand in hand in a lot of those instances.
And although some studies say that casual sex (i.e., hook-up culture) isn’t quite as rampant as it was, even just a few years ago, at the same time, let’s not act like it isn’t still happening. Hell, every time we hop on social media, we see evidence (and sometimes fallout) of that. Plus, while many people are out here declaring that they don’t want or need marriage anymore (chile) — do you hear them saying that they feel the same way about sex?Yeah…exactly.
With all of this being said, let’s take a moment to look into what sobergasms are really all about and why, if you are sexually active and are not in anything serious, you should strongly consider having (more of) them.
The Origin Story of Sobergasms Is…
GiphyAight, so here’s the backstory of sobergasms. Last year, right around the holiday season, the sexual wellness brand Lovehoney decided to partner up with an alcohol-free drink company (CleanCo) to create a mocktail (I will share the recipe in just a sec) — you know, a cocktail that doesn’t have any alcohol in it. They did it because their UK (where they are based) research revealed that people tend to drink almost 40 percent more during the holidays (in the US, Americans reportedly drink twice as much as they usually do around that time).
If you add to that the fact that Lovehoney conducted their own study which cited that 64 percent of participants have admitted to having sex while being intoxicated and yet only 20 percent said that they actually enjoyed it.
And that was the main motivation for why Lovehoney came up with sobergasms: it’s a way to encourage people to be more intentional about going without drinking (so much) so that they can engage in the kind of sex that they will actually find to be pleasurable; especially since their findings also discovered that only 29 percent of men and 11 percent of women have consistent orgasms when they are drunk compared to 45 percent of men and 15 percent of women who do when they are sober.
As I thought about all of this, I decided to go on my own fact-finding mission about alcohol and its relationship to sex. It helped me to come up with even more reasons to cosign on sobergasms — and I’m hoping that it will do the same thing for you.
Before I share 10 interesting stats, first, the recipe for the mocktail that Lovehoney and CleanCo came up with:
Sobergasm Clean Drink
25ml fresh lime juice
50ml CleanCo Clean T
1 tbsp fresh orange juice
1 tbsp hot honey
Sea salt, chili flakes, and lime for garnish
You can click here for thorough instructions on how to make it. Over on this side of the pond, we’re pretty big on mocktails ourselves and so, if you'd like to test out some other recipes, check out “10 Spring/Summer Cocktails (& Mocktails) That Your Vagina Will Truly Enjoy” and “Sexy Sips: 8 Fall-Themed Mocktails That Are Aphrodisiacs Too.”
And while you’re pondering which mocktail you would actually like to try first, let’s get into some other reasons why oftentimes “less is best” when it comes to mixing sexual activity with alcohol consumption.
10 Stats to Keep in Mind When It Comes to Mixing Sex with Alcohol
GiphyWhen it comes to how many people partake in alcoholic beverages, Gallup cites that 65 percent of Americans who are over the age of 21 claim to do so. Out of those, the average amount of drinks that they consume on a weekly basis is around four. The preferred drink of choice? Wine (31-35 percent) with liquor being a close second (30 percent). Now factor all of this into your mind as you read the following information about alcohol and its relationship to sex:
1. One study revealed that almost 30 percent of participants were less safe when it came to their sexual decisions due to them having alcohol in their system.
2. About half of the sexual assaults that happen on college campuses involve alcohol whether it’s the perpetrator, the victim, or both.
3. Among college-aged women, when they are having sex while in a relationship, alcohol is involved 20 percent of the time. When it’s casual sex? Alcohol is involved 53 percent of the time (heavy drinking happened a whopping 36 percent of the time).
4. 42 percent of college students binge drink and 400,000 of them have sex without using a condom while consuming alcohol.
5.One study revealed that almost 72 percent of college students regretted their sexual decisions at least once. Out of the ones surveyed, almost 32 percent said that alcohol was involved when they did.
6.Of people aged 18-25, more individuals regretted having sex while having alcohol in their system than they did when it came to weed or ecstasy.
7. Women tend to participate in “non-traditional” sexual acts and masturbate more when they are intoxicated than when they are sober.
8. Although a small amount of alcohol in a woman’s system can arouse them sexually, high amounts will decrease it and can even make it harder for them to become naturally lubricated.
9. Alcohol increases the probability of having more sex partners for women.
10. Alcohol can make it more challenging for women to climax.
When you take all of this in, although I certainly appreciate how Lovehoney has brought to our attention that too much alcohol can make sex less physically pleasurable, as you can see, it can also make coitus more risky, potentially more dangerous and it can cause us to make some pretty unwise decisions, if we’re not careful as well.
And so honestly, this additional intel should further solidify why you should be uber cautious and super careful if you are going to bring alcohol into the picture when it comes to having sex with another person — again, especially if it’s recreational sex. Because even though intercourse, on average, lasts between 3-7 minutes (Google is right there), that small window of time can result in a lifetime of consequences that you may not wish to experience.
Besides, it’s not like sober sex doesn’t have its own benefits…
5 Benefits of Having Sex While You’re Completely Sober
GiphyYou know what’s interesting about the word “sober”? It doesn’t just mean that you aren’t drunk; it also means that you are “rational,” “self-controlled” and “level-headed” — and yes, when you are about to have sex with someone who you aren’t in a serious, long-term or exclusive sexual relationship with, it’s best that you are all of these things. Because while alcohol can initially make you feel like sexual activity will be more fun, sober sex has the following five proven things to offer.
1. You can better trust your decisions. Recently, I watched a video of four women who taped and posted themselves driving drunk. Moments later, all of them were ejected from the vehicle that they were in and only one survived (and she is in critical condition). Imagine if they could go back in time and go without having alcohol in their system before getting in that vehicle. SMDH.
When it comes to today’s topic, no matter what pop culture tries to tell you, any act that can potentially result in you conceiving or contracting something that doesn’t have a cure is serious as all get out. That’s why, especially when it comes to casual sex, you want to make sure that you go into the act as level-headed as possible — and you can only really do that if/when you are sober.
2. You can clearly articulate your needs and expectations. We’ve all seen a movie (or personally know someone) where a woman got tipsy and wanted to do certain sexual things; however, as alcohol began to affect her system even more, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to go further or not. When you’re sober, it’s so much easier to articulate what you want/don’t want and what your expectations are. T
hat said, there are so many people who have sex-related regrets and a big part of the reason is because alcohol totally clouded their judgment and sometimes altered their thoughts and words. Definitely something to (always) keep in mind when it comes to consuming alcohol in the presence of others.
3. You’re more present. I also want to make sure that I touch on some of the things that prompted Lovehoney to come up with sobergasms in the first place. As far as the purely pleasurable side of sex goes, ask anyone who has a satisfying situation in their bedroom and I’m willing to bet that one thing that they will advise is to not overthink the experience and to remain in the moment.
When you’re intoxicated, your mind tends to be all over the place. When you’re sober-minded, it’s easier to remain focused.
4. Sex definitely tends to be more pleasurable. I’ve already shared with you that you are wetter and it’s easier for you to climax when you don’t have a lot of alcohol in your system. A part of the reason is that, since your brain is your biggest sex organ, it’s important to keep in mind that alcohol has a way of negatively affecting the communication pathways of your brain; when that happens, it can cause your moods to become erratic and you tend to become less coordinated too.
Not well-lubricated. Not climaxing. In a bad mood. Do those that sound like the keys to an awesome sexual experience? Right…absolutely not.
5. There is a lot less regret. Once you have sex with someone, you can’t take it back. That’s why it’s so important that you go into the act feeling like this is something that you really want to do (the person and the acts included); you significantly decrease the chances of you having this type of certainty when you’re not sober. And sexual regret can sometimes be one of the hardest things to get past.
____
Sobergasms. Although there seem to be new terms that come up daily, one that I can definitely get behind is that. Because it encourages everyone to be sober-minded and sexually responsible in order to ultimately have a more fulfilling sexual experience.
And I will certainly raise a mocktail to that.
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