I have always been a "dating for marriage" girl. It's a concept that has been drilled and killed into me by every woman in my family. And while that may still be the goal for most, I think I'm starting to realize that it may not necessarily be for me. At least, not right now!
In case you have been living under a rock somewhere, a situationship is basically you and another person doing couple things without being an official couple. It's a concept that is celebrated among men and hated among women. I used to hate it too... Until I got in one.
I've only been in one serious relationship in my twenty-something years of life. Once I got over that heartbreak, I tested the waters to see what other fishies were out there. Each and every time I threw out my cast, I came up empty-handed.
Each. And. Every. Time.
After I promised myself to give myself a break from men, an old college friend and I reconnected on Twitter and exchanged a few innocent DMs. After a couple of weeks, we graduated into exchanging numbers and started a platonic texting friendship. This eventually matured into an actual friendship and we started hanging out. As expected, I caught feelings and shared it with him.
He expressed that the feeling was mutual but he wasn't seeking a relationship, mainly because we would be long distance. We agreed to let whatever happens happen, and three years later, our situationship is still going strong.
Now I know, three years is a long ass time to be emotionally invested in someone without the promise of a relationship. Trust me, I've had several pep talks and coming to Jesus moments with myself about whether or not I was stupid for allowing it to happen and even more so, accepting not having a title so willingly. When I expressed my sentiments with one of my homegirls, she simply asked: "If you're happy right now, then what does it matter that ya'll don't have a title?"
And that was a question worth answering.
If I'm happy, in this space, then why am I worried?
My lil' boo has been more supportive, encouraging, motivating, and loving than any man I've ever been committed to or dated. In the past three years, random girls haven't called my cell phone questioning me about him, ex-friends haven't popped up pregnant with "my man" being the father, and I haven't had a need to utilize my fabulous FBI skills to investigate his social media; things I constantly did it in my past.
My situationship is no different than anyone else's relationship. Since bae and I are long-distance by a few hours, we make communication a priority. FaceTime plays a big role in how we communicate, as well as texting each other funny social media videos and memes. Even though we're long-distance, we're still close enough to see each other, so we try to see each other at least once a month, although we usually see each other more than that.
To ensure we have the best time possible, we take turns planning dates. Bae is a big basketball fan, so I surprised him with tickets to see his favorite team. He knows I love movies, so for the next date, he planned a movie night with all of my favorite movies, snacks, and wine! We celebrate birthdays with each other and holidays with each other's families. This is what works for us!
To make sure bae and I stay on the same page, we keep three things at the forefront of our foundation: communication, respect, and fun. Relationships alone can't function without communication, and it's even more true for situationships. We talk about how we're feeling, we remain very open with each other, and we listen to each other. We respect each other's feelings and time, and make sure that our time spent together is filled with laughs and good vibes. And don't get me wrong, just because it's a situationship doesn't mean we don't go through usual relationship issues.
We fight, argue, and disagree on trivial things like what restaurant we're going for dinner, as well as big things like him forgetting something I told him months ago. But we always work it out because we are open and honest with each other. If I'm not feeling something that's happening, I let him know and he does the same; and that's key.
Dating society has placed this stigma on women especially, that if you and a potential partner aren't mutually exclusive after dating for four to six months, then your time is being wasted and you should move on to the next. Society frowns upon situationships because usually for the woman, she gets nothing in return.
But I, along with several other women [Oprah and Cassie] are a testament that that myth isn't true. There is nothing wrong with situationships, especially if both parties involved are on the same page about how to handle them.
That being said, situationships truly aren't for everybody, and I'm still navigating through emotions to figure out if it's for me, but for where I am now, I feel at peace and I am enjoying what I have with who I have it with for as long we decide to continue to be partners. I'm glad that I don't let society play me into thinking that this isn't an acceptable option when seeking compatible companionship.
To all my beautiful queens out there, stop letting people tell you what type of relationship to be in! If you want a relationship, get one. If you want a situationship, be in one. If a friends-with-benefits scenario is more your speed, then so be it. But make sure that whatever your decision is promotes your happiness above anyone else's.
Want to read more stories like this? Check out these xoNecole related reads:
5 Love Lessons I've Learned From Being In A Situationship
Reclaiming My Power: Why I'm Saying 'No' To Sex
12 Ways To Boss Up And Move On From Your Situationship
The 4 Types Of F*ckboys & How To Avoid Dating Them
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RELATED
Mercury enters Sagittarius on November 2, will be retrograde from Nov. 25 until Dec. 15, and will be in this sign until Jan. 8, 2025. Mercury in Sagittarius is bold and outspoken but, in retrograde, can come across as impulsive and brash. Thinking before speaking is important right now, and so is considering your values and interests before committing to something new. Since Sagittarius rules long-distance travel, this isn’t the best time to plan a new trip or to rush the ones already in place.
Consider where you want to be, and take your time getting there.
What to Expect from Mercury Retrograde in Sagittarius
A little more than a week after Mercury goes retrograde in Sagittarius, Mars goes retrograde in Leo. With these important transits happening in fire signs, energy can be misdirected right now. It’s about looking at the full picture and not overwhelming yourself with too many options or interests. Take your passions and align them with your heart and willpower, without confusing inspiration with ego. Emotions are running high, yet this activation is creating a breakthrough in personal development before the year ends.
Read below to see how this Mercury retrograde transit will be for you. Read for your sun sign and rising sign.
ARIES
Mercury goes retrograde in Sagittarius, and you are focused on the bigger picture right now, Aries. With Mercury retrograde in your 9th house of adventure over the next few weeks, this is the time to expect the unexpected and to go at your own pace. Don’t rush the clarity that is meant to bloom for you right now, and take things one day at a time.
Even if you don’t have all the answers you need right now, there are still some important truths and insights to gain. You are in the process of reinventing yourself and your life, and the universe is helping you get the space in order to do so. If you are traveling over the next few weeks, remember to be flexible and to go over plans thoroughly.
TAURUS
Mercury goes retrograde, and you enter a time of change and rebirth, Taurus. This transit, for you, is an opportunity to gain balance, perspective, and empowerment. Your commitments and close partnerships are being addressed right now, and you are seeing where your needs are being met and where they aren’t. You are on a journey of letting go and allowing more, and this is the time to focus on being more flexible rather than controlling outcomes.
This retrograde could also be affecting your shared finances and earnings, and this is a good time to take another look at the money coming in and the money going out and make sure things are in order here. Trust your intuition right now, Taurus.
GEMINI
Mercury goes retrograde in your sister sign, Sagittarius, and you are ready for a fresh perspective in love. This retrograde will highlight your 7th house of partnership, connection, romance, and inner harmony, and your heart is figuring things out right now. Confusion or disagreements are more likely within your relationship dynamics, and this is the time to address what your partnerships need.
If you have been feeling out of balance when it comes to love, then this is the time to get things back on track.
This Mercury retrograde is helping you gain a new perspective and reminds you that you deserve the love you are looking for. Use this time to forgive, grow, and use better judgment regarding matters of the heart and the relationships you are building in your life right now.
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CANCER
This Mercury retrograde transit for you is a chance to gain some renewed clarity regarding your health, well-being, and work life. You could be feeling more pressure to perform and have it all together on the job, and there is a need to delegate, let go, and take care of your health more right now, Cancer.
This transit will highlight where some cracks are seeping, where you may need to build stronger foundations and healthier daily routines, and also how you can manage a better work/life balance. Your daily lifestyle may feel a little more difficult to find consistency in right now, and this is because new avenues and perspectives are waiting for you to grab ahold of. Overall, use this time to listen to your inner voice and do more of what feels right for you and your body.
LEO
Mercury goes retrograde in Sagittarius, and this transit highlights your 5th house of romance, creativity, passion, and happiness, Leo. This retrograde is an opportunity for you to address what and who makes you happy and how you can show up more for these fortunate experiences in your life. You are looking at if you’ve been making your happiness as much of a priority as it should be this year and also taking a look at what sources help you align with that energy altogether.
This time is about being a little bit more flexible, doing things differently, and being open to a new perspective. Relationship developments are also providing your heart more clarity right now, and you are balancing your needs with the needs of your partnerships and creative ventures.
VIRGO
Your ruling planet Mercury goes retrograde before the year ends, and this is helping you rebuild your foundations, Virgo. Mercury will be retrograde in an area of your life that has to do with your home, history, family, and emotional stability- and you are getting a new grasp on things here.
Where you have been planting your seeds and building for your future are coming up for review during this time, and you are gaining clarity on which of these foundations is stable enough to continue to build upon. You could be feeling less secure than you would like to right now, and this change of pace is helping you reassess your goals and figure out what is worth it for you and the legacy you want to live.
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LIBRA
Mercury goes retrograde in Sagittarius, and the focus turns towards your communication channels, Libra. Mercury retro is already a more chaotic time when it comes to communication, and with this retrograde also happening in your 3rd house of insight and communication, you may feel this heaviness a little more right now.
This transit, for you, is about taking your time getting your message across, being patient while traveling and running errands, and giving yourself space to gain some new clarity.
Meditation, journaling, and talking to someone who can support you are therapeutic, and know that your voice deserves to be heard. You are looking at ways you can take up more space and show up in the world without letting your insecurities keep you away from true connection, vulnerability, and understanding.
SCORPIO
This Mercury retrograde is happening in your 2nd house of income, values, assets, and self-confidence, and you are taking a step back to assess your current reality, especially financially, Scorpio. This is a good time to go over your spending habits and earnings, to find greater balance here, and to think about some of your financial goals moving forward.
Look at your resources, skills, and talents, and make sure what you are receiving is equal to or greater than what you have been giving. Less is more right now, and this isn’t the best time to overspend or overindulge, as you need more time to grasp your current stance on things, and how to increase your overall wealth and abundance.
SAGITTARIUS
With this Mercury retrograde happening in your sign, it’s hitting a little closer to home for you, Sagittarius. This is a good time to refine your goals and direction in life and how you want to show up right now. You deserve to be able to change your mind when you need to, and you are thinking about some of the things you have done and what you want to do moving forward.
Miscommunications are more likely while Mercury is in retrograde, but you can use this as a source of empowerment, knowing that you are living in your truth and allowing yourself room to grow in the process. Remember to be a little kinder to yourself during this transit and to give yourself the grace you need right now.
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CAPRICORN
This Mercury retrograde for you, Capricorn, is about rest and taking care of your emotional world. You are being given the opportunity to spend more time alone, to gather your strength, and to heal before you enter the new year. A lot has happened, and there have been many changes in your world this year. This Mercury retrograde is here to help you find acceptance and closure.
You are in a preparation stage right now, and things can feel a little more lonesome in this energy, but with a different perspective, you can see just how much of this space your heart truly needs right now. The past is coming up for you to see things in a new light, and you are ready to gain some renewed insight, closure, and healing.
AQUARIUS
This Mercury retrograde highlights your friendships, community, and your hopes and dreams, Aquarius. You are being reminded of the importance of connection, but more significantly, of good connections. You are looking at who and what surrounds you right now and gaining clarity on whether this energy matches who you are and the things that you stand for.
Your social circle and the people around you are shifting as the power dynamics do, and you are finding your place and purpose amidst this change. It’s about identifying who and what makes you feel good and aligning things in your life to bring in more of that energy. Don’t be discouraged right now; find your people and ask for support.
PISCES
Your career and ambitions are the focus during this Mercury retrograde, Pisces. You have a lot to address here, and you are gathering your skills and talents and reminding yourself that you are worthy of your dreams. Miscommunications and setbacks are more likely within your professional world, but they are here to ask you if what you are striving for, is really what you need right now.
You are thinking a lot about how you show up in the world, what you want to be known for, and what successes you still want to obtain. This isn’t the time to let anyone’s idea or vision of you define who you are; rather, define that for yourself. Show up as you want to be seen, and don’t count yourself out right now, Pisces.
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Hell, it can be stressful just thinking about how to enjoy sweets, shop for everyone, stay up half of the night watching throwback holiday films, and still have your skin looking healthy at all times. That’s why I decided to hook you up with seven ways that the holiday can potentially wreak havoc on your skin along with some bona fide tips to prevent it from happening. (Thank me later!)
7 Holiday Habits That Can Wreck Your Skin—And How To Fix It
1. Stress Can Increase Inflammation
Okay, so let’s do it this way: since one reputable study revealed that only 10 percent of individuals profess to experience zero stress during the holiday season, that is why I decided to lead with stress being a leading skin issue around this time of the year. And just what does it do to your skin exactly?
Well, according to skin experts, when you’re stressed out, that accelerates the adrenaline in your system which can cause your skin to experience inflammation — and that can manifest in a myriad of ways, including potential hives, a breakout of psoriasis or eczema (if that is something that you already deal with), rashes, itchiness and/or skin discoloration.
What to Do About It: When I say that nothing is worth stressing out over, I mean it — and especially not something like the holidays. So, first up, decide that you are going to not try to control what you cannot (person, place, thing, or idea), that you aren’t going to wait until the last minute to get things done, that you are going to have A BUDGET and that you will do things that will encourage you to slow down like pray, meditate, exercise and rest.
Also, prioritize participating in various activities for the sheer pleasure of it. You’d be amazed by how many people end up having a not-so-great holiday season because they were out here making sure that everyone else BUT them enjoyed themselves — and their skin shows it.
2. Alcohol Can Cause Dehydration
Did you know some studies say that between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day, alcohol consumption goes up a whopping 33 percent? And here’s the thing — since it’s considered to be a diuretic, if you’re tossing too many cocktails back, you could end up dehydrating your skin as well as ending up with inflamed skin (since alcohol triggers the production of antihistamines in your system), dark circles, a dull complexion, and fine lines and wrinkles due to the sleep deprivation that alcohol may cause too.
What to Do About It: The moral of the story here isn’t that you can’t enjoy alcohol during the holidays. Just make sure that you consume it in moderation, which is no more than one drink a day for us and two drinks a day for men; if you do more than this, “chase it down” with a glass of water, and that you proactively keep your skin hydrated.
You can do this by washing your face and body in warm (not hot because it strips skin of moisture) water, that you apply a moisturizer that has water as the first listed ingredient along with humectants such as honey, glycerin, and/or hyaluronic acid; that you do this while your skin is still wet (in order to “trap” the moisture in), and that you sleep with a humidifier in your room.
Photo by 3. Sugar Can Reduce Collagen Levels
Even though the American Heart Association recommends that men have no more than nine teaspoons of sugar a day and women consume no more than six, the average American actually takes in 23 damn teaspoons daily — and that number rises during the holiday season. There are a billion reasons why this is problematic; however, as far as your skin goes, this isn’t good because not only does too much sugar also lead to inflammation, but it can speed up the aging process of your skin as well.
How? Well, two things that help to keep your skin full of elasticity and youth are collagen and elastin. Unfortunately, when sugar gets into the mix, it can affect how (and how much) both of these things are produced which can lead to sagging skin, the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, and even some hyperpigmentation.
What to Do About It: I’m pretty sure it goes without saying that one thing that can help to keep sugar from wreaking total havoc on your skin is to eat (and drink) less of it. That said, though, by no means do I think that you should make yourself miserable by not indulging in some hot chocolate, caramel cake, and the cutest turkey legs (made out of Rice Krispies) that I stumbled upon recently (here).
Just don’t overdo it; drink water while you’re eating “it;” increase your antioxidant intake (because that helps to fight off the free radicals that sugar can produce) which means eating more dark leafy greens, citrus fruits, apples, beans, and cranberries; wear sunscreen (the sun also shines in cold weather) to offset potential collagen breakdowns; apply skincare products that contain collagen and — I think that you’ll actually like this one — eat some dark chocolate.
Dark chocolate is also loaded with antioxidants; just make sure that it’s the kind that contains at least 60 percent cocoa. In other words, this isn’t a license to go overboard on any leftover Halloween candy, y’all.
4. Dairy Can Trigger Breakouts
Three things that I think folks are gonna debate, diet-wise, at least for the rest of my lifetime, are veganism, caffeine, and dairy. What I mean by that is if you Google any of these topics, you’re going to find pieces that are very much “for” and then others that are totally “against” them. As far as dairy goes, although I do have a weakness for some New York-style pizza and ice cream, oat milk is my milk alternative of choice because I’ve researched what dairy has the potential to do to my system.
Skin-wise? One thing that a lot of health experts can agree on is it can throw your hormone levels off to the point where it could cause acne breakouts — and lawd, who wants that…especially during the holidays?
What to Do About It: If you’re the one who is going to be cooking or baking a lot of the meals, experiment with a milk alternative; these days, there are plenty of options to choose from (click here for a list of over 20 of ‘em). Consume foods that are high in fiber (like squash, collard greens, quinoa, sweet potatoes, and popcorn) so that you’re able to flush toxins out quicker. I will forever sing the praises of taking a magnesium-calcium-zinc supplement because it helps to calm your nerves, reduce stress, and give you a good night’s rest (all of which contribute to having clear skin).
And if you do see a pimple pop up,apply some tea tree oil directly to it. If you do that (and don’t pick at it), you should notice that it’s significantly decreased in size within a day or two. Oh, and if there is some scarring afterwards, vitamin C extract or batana oil can help to soften the appearance of it.
Photo by 5. Cold Weather Can Prematurely Age Skin
The thing about cold weather is it typically lacks humidity. As far as your skin is concerned, if it’s dry all of the time, that can prematurely age it. Aside from that, cold weather can irritate it and cause cracking of your hands, heels, and around your lips as well.
What to Do About It: If you tend to use lighter moisturizers during the hotter months, go with something that’s a bit thicker right through here. Certain skin butters are great (check out “What You Need To Know About Shea, Mango, Kokum & Other Body Butters”), especially when it comes to your body.
If you think that they will be too thick for your face, consider applying skin products that have ceramides in them; they provide a barrier to your skin that helps it retain moisture for longer periods of time. And definitely don’t go out without putting some lip balm on; the kind that has sunscreen in it is most ideal.
6. HVAC Can Cause Fine Lines and Wrinkles
One thing about the fall and winter seasons is you’re going to be spending more time indoors than you would during the spring and summertime. This means that you’re going to be exposed to dry air from your HVAC units which can dry out your skin and cause fine lines and wrinkles as a direct result. Plus, if you already deal with things like eczema, psoriasis, or dermatitis, the hot, dry air could make them worse.
What to Do About It: This is another time that a humidifier is certainly going to come in handy. Aside from that, drink lots of water; make sure that you “seal your skin” (which means applying some type of oil to keep your skin moisturized) after getting out of the shower, and don’t spend all of your time indoors. Aside from the dry air potentially doing a number on your skin, indoor air pollution is 2-5 times higher than what’s going on outside.
For the sake of your skin and your overall health and well-being, enjoy some time in the cool air and snow before the turn of the new year (in moderation, of course).
7. A Lack of Sleep Can Result in Dullness, Dryness and Large Pores
One of the reasons why a lot of people find themselves super stressed whenever the holidays roll around is, that so much is going on that they don’t get the 6-8 hours of sleep that they need in order to rejuvenate themselves. Y’all, when you are sleep-deprived, whether it’s immediately or eventually, your skin is going to “tell on you” because it can cause your complexion to appear dull and dry, give you dark circles underneath your eyes, and, since less sleep equals more cortisol (the stress hormone that’s in your body), that can cause an overproduction of sebum which can lead to an appearance of larger pores.
What to Do About It: Try to at least get 6-8 hours in four days a week (if it’s impossible to do seven days right through here), get power naps in when you can; give your face a 15-minute massage a couple of times each week (to keep poor blood circulation from causing your skin to look blotchy); use tea bags on your eyes to reduce the appearance of dark circles and drink herbal tea to relax you, and consume some fruit-infused water throughout the day, so that the water and nutrients from your favorite fruits can combat any dullness and dryness that may have already occurred from the inside out.
Oh, and try to not drink alcohol or consume sugar or caffeine 2-3 hours before bedtime; that will increase your chances of not tossing and turning all night long.
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Skin that doesn’t need a ton of makeup can be yours — yes, even throughout the holidays. All you need is balance and a plan. And hopefully, this holiday skin stress cheat sheet just gave you both. Enjoy!
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