So Your Man’s Not Feeling Your Sex Toys, Here’s How To Change That
The other day, I was having a conversation with some of my girlfriends about the topic of sex toys, and somehow, we came across the fact that sometimes men aren't so into it. I was taken by surprise because every man I've been with has never objected to me whipping out my sex toy box and choosing what to play with for our evening of kinky fun. But, to hear that some guys have attested in the past for her piqued my interest quite a bit and I decided to take my curiosities to the street to speak to some random guys about their feelings on the subject at hand.
I got very mixed feedback.
The first guy blatantly and outright said, "Hell no." Another guy shared the same feeling and added the question of, “Why would she need me if she has that?"
One guy grew mildly interested when vibrators were introduced, and I noticed that pattern more and more as I talked to men closer to me in age. I came to a conclusion that, 1) yes, with age, some men are very set in their ways and sometimes irrevocably so, but that 2) it is not necessarily that guys aren't open to it, but instead that maybe they haven't been introduced to sex toys in the right way. So either way, it's worth exploring together to see which category your guy fits into.
Ease them into sex toy land the right way and ensure him that the toys are for mutual pleasure and you can have whatever you like. Always.
Feel the Vibe
“I feel everyone should be open-minded to incorporating sex toys in the bedroom. I know for men it can seem a bit taboo, as we often attach an ego to our sexual ability. But it does not take place of you, rather, it is a bonus or a helper. And I believe men should be open to some of the sex toys being used on them. My fiancé has a small vibrator and it can be used to stimulate both you and her. It all comes down to communication and willingness to try new things. When you're willing, it can benefit in not just the bedroom, but the relationship itself." – DaVion Lee, @daeizm
Sex toys are instruments meant to enhance and elevate, but unfortunately it often gets a bad rap because it suggests that they in some way you're currently not feeling the dick you're getting from your partner. This is not the case, but some men experience skepticism due to that feeling of inadequacy and redundancy. I suggest starting small with a vibrator that you use on just yourself and slowly but surely, allow your man to get his feet wet, so to speak.
“It's pleasing a woman, and you have to do whatever you have to do to please a woman. I like to use a Bullet on a girl. There are a lot of things you can do with it. It's small and to the point. (If you're man's not feeling it), you just gotta whip it out. Sometimes you just gotta let a dude know that it is what it is. We won't tell you no. Just whip it out and start playing with yourself with the vibrator like it's nothing, like how guys do with their dicks." – Xilla, @BlogXilla
Get 2 On
A c-ring is a great couple's version of the popular sex toy and can be used for mutual pleasure too. Shop together at an adult novelty store or online and pick out items that interests you both. He might be more interested in things to use on you like restraints or a whip, and that can be your “in" to introducing him to sex toy playland. Men are incredibly visual creatures, so watching you play with yourself is another way to get what you want. Entice him by giving him your own version of a Red Light Special featuring you and your sex toy.
He'll bite his lip and salivate at the way you're writhing against the sheets without him and immediately want to tap in to join in fulfilling your fantasy. Seductively say, “Come here," or express your lust for him in some other way: “I can't come without you daddy," in a breathy voice is a line that never fails, he'll come. Then you both will.
“Just like within any relationship, you have to condition your partner to certain things. If your man's not into it, try to find a compromise in the form of reciprocity. If you try this, I'll try that… If you try that, I'll try this. It might not even be a feeling of inadequacy on his part; he might not be something he's into. Warm him up to it. If you want to try a c-ring, condition him to it. I wasn't always into trying a c-ring; I had all of these thoughts about my dick exploding, but she coaxed me into it and I tried it." - Michael
Most men are down when you help them to see the light. Tell him, teach him, guide him to that waterfall girl. I'm certain he'll oblige.
Featured image by Getty Images
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images