Here's How To Know You're Ready To Love...Again
Personally, I don't believe in puppy love. At least, not in the traditional sense. It's been my experience that whenever people use that term it's a way to minimize a love relationship based on one's age. My first love? It happened when I was 18. He was a teenager too. And although we're both in our 40s now, we still run into each other from time to time and admit that our "young love" was one of the most mutually impacting, to this day.
My point? When we get involved with someone, we "fall in love" and things don't work out, I don't think it's smart to act like what happened wasn't love at all. Just because things don't turn out the way we want them to, that doesn't mean the experience wasn't real. If anything, I just think that each time we love and move on, we learn more about what love really is, in preparation for the bigger love that is to follow.
Me? Based on what I currently believe I know about love, I feel that I have loved four men. What hindsight has caused me to accept is that each one taught me something that has caused me to expand my view of love—love for a man and, more importantly, love for myself. Just because we aren't together, that didn't mean the love wasn't real; it just means that the season came to an end so that I could learn more about the vastness of love…elsewhere.
Honestly, I think embracing this kind of mentality is the first indication that you're ready to love again. When you don't look back and diminish what you had with someone else but, instead, you can see the beauty and divine purpose within it, that's when you can receive what's next.
If a past love experience wore you all the way out, what are some other pretty telling signs that you're in a healthy and mature place to love—again?
You’re Not Looking for a Man to Fill Some Void
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The reality is that all of us have voids in our lives; some are just bigger (or in different compartments) than others. But the reason why it's not the best idea to look for a man to fill a void in your life is because, typically, when you do that, the void has something to do with what you should be working to fill on your own. If that doesn't make sense, peep some indicators that you have a pattern of looking for guys to fill voids—you tend to rebound a lot; you hop from shallow relationship to shallow relationship; you rush relationships; you mistake sex for intimacy and you'd rather be with someone—almost anyone—than be alone.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. After all, humans are relational beings. At the same time, one of the best indications that you've healed from the past and are truly ready for what is to come is you are happy and whole as a single woman. Also, a man isn't going to complete your life so much as he will enhance it. And until that man comes along, you know you'll be fine whether you're with someone or…not.
You Know the Difference Between Being Lonely and Being Alone
Remember how I said that people who look for void fillers, they would rather be with just about anybody over being alone? Let's look a little deeper into that.
One of the biggest lessons that comes with singlehood is knowing the difference between being lonely vs. being alone.
What sets them apart? People who are alone, they don't look at it like it's a death sentence or even anything to be ashamed of. People who are alone, oftentimes do it by choice because if someone doesn't have what they are looking for, they'd rather pass than settle. People who are alone have such full lives that they don't have a ton of time to reflect on whether they are lonely or not. People who are alone don't see the need to wait on a date or even their friends before going out; if no one else is available, they will head out anyway.
Lonely individuals? They read all of that and broke out into a cold sweat. To them, being in a relationship is the solution to their chronic loneliness. As a result, a relationship doesn't really serve as a support system; it's more like a crutch.
When You Think About Your Ex, You Have Peace About the Situation
This one is big. Some of my exes, we're actually pretty cool with one another; not besties but definitely not afraid to run into each other at the mall and give an earnest hug. Then there are those who, I am totally fine with never seeing again. EVER. But something that both categories of men have in common is when they randomly run through my mind (or someone brings them up), I don't feel any type of way about it. I'm not mad. I'm not plotting revenge. I don't even feel the need to rant or vent about their qualities that caused us to end things in the first place.
We shared an intimate season and so, that's a part of me. At the same time, nothing about what was is going to affect—meaning infect—what is or what will be. This means that the next guy doesn't have to worry about me comparing him to my ex or judging him based on what my ex did or didn't do. He's got a totally clean slate. Just as it should be.
Your Reason for a Relationship Is Not to Prove Some Point
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I promise you, the older—and wiser—I get, the less things I feel like I need to prove to anyone. You should feel the exact same way. I mean, just look at what prove means: "to establish the truth or genuineness of, as by evidence or argument". If you're walking around trying to make the things in your life appear true or genuine, either you've been out here fakin' the funk for a long time now or you need to find some new people to be around.
This is especially the case as it relates to matters of the heart. No matter how much you loved your ex, how long you were with him, why the two of you broke up or how quickly he bounced back and got with someone else (shout out to Nino Brown's insight on this topic right here), you are absolutely NOT ready for a new situation if your only motive is to prove that you can move on too.
The last time I had a boyfriend is when I was 32. He's since lived with someone and some other stuff since then. Chile, I don't care. The love I once had for him hopes he'll find his fit; he deserves it. In the meantime, I'm not gonna get myself into something that isn't the best for me just to prove that I can.
When you've truly healed from a relationship, you know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that you have nothing that you need to prove. To anyone.
You’d Finally Prefer the Man You Need vs. the Man You Want
Did you know that only 14 percent of men in the United States are over 6' tall (maybe that's why a lot of celebrities are so short; tall is the exception and not the rule)? This means that my preference for at least 6'3" or up is going to make finding Mr. Right a bit of a challenge; especially since I'd also prefer him to be in the Godiva chocolate range (preferably someone who resembles the lead in one my favorite web seriesMind of the Single Male; he's dope and so is his real-life wife. I love Black love!). On the physical tip, those are some of the things that I want; they are not necessarily things that I need.
That's a part of how I know that I'm ready to love again because I used to have a pretty counterproductive habit of putting my wants before my needs—attractive before committable; funny before mature; sexy over spiritual (hey, I'm just being real). But after having to nurse my heart back to life, more times than I can count, needs are a whole lot more important to me.
By no means am I saying that I'm going to settle for the short and hefty pastor who has absolutely no sex appeal (I broke down how I got over that in "My Eureka Moment for Why I'm Not into 'Nice Guys'"); I'm saying that rather than just focusing on what I desire on a semi-surface level, I'm now open to what's truly necessary for my next relationship to remain healthy, strong and able to go the distance.
Character is the "cake", the need. Sexiness is "icing", the want. Cake before icing (but yes…icing is much appreciated too).
A Relationship Will Enhance Your Already Amazing Life
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You wanna know how you can truly know that you're ready for the next—and, if all goes well, final—love of your life? It's when, if the perfect man entered into your world right now, you'd have to stop and consider if he is going to cramp your style because your life is already so full and fulfilling.
Recently, while talking to a male friend of mine, he asked me if I was freaking out (on any level) since it had been so long since I've been in a relationship. I thought about it and said:
"My hormones have those moments, for sure, but you know what? Until a man can love me in the way that I know I can love a man, I need to remain single. I'd be settling otherwise."
That's basically my motto these days. I want to find love again, but not just so I can be in a relationship. What all of the past loves have taught me is until—and unless—someone can top all of what I've already experienced, my life, as it is, is pretty darn good. I'm in love with it and myself. "He" will have to get in where he fits in. And honestly, that's how I know that I'm about as close as I can get to being ready to love…again.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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