Every other week there's some new hot hair trend, and many even contradict one another to the point that it all becomes annoyingly insane. It's almost like that scene in The Wiz where the leader of Oz keeps changing the "in" color by the minute and the dancers maniacally prance and shift to keep up, causing a sense of brainwashed hysteria.
One minute natural hair is the thing. The next it's straight and wavy wigs and weaves. Then the trend shifts to short cuts and baldies. Locs have even gotten their shine---especially the faux ones. And don't get me started on chemical processes, "top" product ingredients, and coloring.
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I've become so bothered by the contradictory messages regarding which way to go with my hair that I've even come up with crazy songs to illustrate the madness.
Sing it with me, ladies: *Insert Beyonce's "Signs" melody*
Coconut, peanut, grapeseed, sesame, sunflower, mint, and lavender, oh!
Olive, argan, marula, wheat germ!
Please no grease! I love just oil!
Raise your voices and cue Beyonce's " Check Up On It" melody:
Girl why ya gotcha hair lookin' oh so dry?
Won't you come and put some grease up on it!
(Watch me put some grease up on it!)
Go on, put some grease up on it!
(Gon' and slap some grease up on it! )
Grease that scalp and moisturize it.
Grease it up tonight!
*Record scratches*
We've put our hair--and mental health--through it all. The roller coaster ride goes from "Black Is Beautiful" Afros, to the "good hair, bad hair" debate, to the dreaded creamy crack, to glued-down tracks for body and length, to sew-ins and fold-over installs, to wearing full-on fake scalps and lace frontals. Some of us have done all this in one year! (And I know I'm not the only one! Just take a look at the DMX challenge. I rest my case.)
Even research reflects that black women experience more anxiety about their hair than their white counterparts, are constantly scrutinized and discriminated against due to it, and still face social pressure to straighten it to fit in or advance.
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I mean come on! I'm tired and my hair is, too. Every time I finally get on one hair train, the hair "gurus", "influencers", and "stylists" are already on to the next one.
If you've found yourself experiencing hair loss or damage, spending your last dime at the beauty supply store, crying about your hair every week, throwing a temper tantrum at the salon, or trying to force your hair into styles that are super-uncomfy, you have hair fatigue, sis, and you need to read on.
Let's just do like Fantasia told her man to do back in the early 2000s: Go ahead and free ourselves! Here are five key steps I took in accepting my hair and finding peace:
Turn YouTube Off...For A Bit
I love all my hair influencers and how-to kitchen-ticians, but when I find myself prompted to run to the beauty supply store more than twice a month or I'm forcing my short 3C strands into styles that are damaging (like that super cute, extra-long sleek ponytail that's popular all over the Web), I fast from watching those videos.
I try to stay away from them for at least a week, and I even delete the YouTube app from my phone.
Once I've come down from that high of hair modification (which is really a manic episode of insecurity and probably a symptom of a larger issue), I write down my feelings, why that hairstyle is just not for me (and why that's OK) and go back to my mainstay carefree style: a curly, barely-threw-water-and-conditioner-in-it wash-and-go.
Start Loving--And Accepting---The Hair God Gave You
Some of us won't even let our natural hair do what it do. You want that silky "mixed chick" curl when your hair is full of gloriously thick 4C coils. You want those Lemonade braids or Passion locs when your strands can barely stand the weight of braid extensions. (Yes, that's me.) True, the natural hair movement has ushered in a lot of self-love, but it has also brought comparison syndrome and delusion.
Sis, just go with the flow. If it's humid, let the curls pop and the frizz come. If it's coily and a bit nappy---yep, I said nappy, which is not a bad word---let it be beautifully nappy. If it's loose and stringy, wear those elongated curls with pride.
I've learned to embrace products and styles that work with---not against---my hair texture, and I no longer follow trends that don't accommodate my natural crown. Some slick styles mean I'm constantly going to be re-laying baby hairs that are clearly fighting against the globs of edge control I'm attempting to force upon them. Uh, hello, sis: That's a sign to just let the baby hairs be. (Also, what's this obsession with baby hairs anyway? Some of us don't have them to begin with, but that's a whole other story. I won't digress...today.)
Choose A Fitting Protective Style---And Stick To It
I can't tell you how many times I've ripped an itchy $500 weave out of my head that I had no business getting in the first place. Again, it's all about motives and accepting reality. TBH, I hate fussing with my hair and not being able to touch my scalp. Lesson: If sewn-down wigs or weaves aren't your thing, don't invest in them. Try a protective style that does more protecting than agitating.
And you don't have to wear a wig or weave to "protect" your hair. You can easily just minimize the heat and styling of your hair with bantu knots, natural cornrows, twist-downs, or clip-ins. Add a few satin-lined hats or silky scarves to your wardrobe. Find the protective style that works for your mental health, lifestyle, and schedule, and just get great at making it last for a few weeks at a time.
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Consult A Real Expert...A Dermatologist or Licensed Stylist
Again, sorry "influencers", but it's time to give a huge nod to trained experts. One good conversation with a doc or trained (ie. licensed) cosmetologist, and your manic hair-changing days are over. I've found that talking with someone who can specifically discuss my lifestyle, health, habits, scalp, and hair type has helped me choose what's best for my hair in the long run. By doing this, you can keep the same regimen for years with no problems, and it's a bit easier to tune out the noise of trends (and uneducated opinions) when you already know what truly works for you and your hair.
Besides, all those hair-type generalizations can be wasteful banter for someone, for example, who has a mixture of more than one type, is pregnant, lives in a place with dry, hot weather most of the year, and just started a new job. The products and practices that work for that person might not work for the next sis. A great licensed professional who can suggest ingredients or products that meet your current hair and scalp needs is a God-send.
Save The Higher Maintenance Styles For Special Occasions
OK, OK, so I can't just blame influencers and marketers for my manic hair habits. I've also used the excuse that I just like to change my hair so often because I get bored easily and want to keep my hair fresh and laid. The older I get, the less inclined I am to believe that lie. Wasting time and money in a salon only to become frustrated with a style that isn't well-suited for everyday---or even weekly---maintenance just doesn't make much sense anymore.
I still like to feed my creative side---and keep things laid and slayed---but I now save certain styles for weddings, vacations, and stuntin' situations like class reunions. I've stopped trying to live like a celebrity---changing my hairstyle like I have Kim Kimble on speed dial and Beyonce's beauty budget. Instead, I focus on other things that bring me joy and a long-term return on investment like putting money into my budding business, studying for my graduate-level coursework, budgeting for travel adventures, and prioritizing my wellness. Hey, what's a good hairdo worth if the mind under it is all messed up?
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Among the many individuals who battle severe asthma, Black women face a unique set of challenges. It's not uncommon for us to go years without a proper diagnosis, and finding the right treatment often requires some trial and error. Thankfully, all hope is not lost for those who may be fighting to get their severe asthma under control. We spoke with Juanita Brown Ingram, Esq. and Jania Watson, two inspiring Black women who have been living with severe asthma and have found strength, resilience, and a sense of purpose in their journeys.
Juanita Brown Ingram, Esq.
Juanita Ingram has a resume that would make anyone’s jaw drop. On top of being recently crowned Mrs. Universe, she’s also an accomplished attorney, filmmaker, and philanthropist. From the outside, it seems there’s nothing this talented woman won’t try, and likely succeed at. In her everyday life, however, Juanita exercises a lot more caution. From a young age, Juanita has struggled with severe asthma. Her symptoms were always exacerbated by common illnesses like a cold or flu. “I've heard these stories of my breathing struggles, but I remember distinctly when I was younger not being able to breathe every time I got a virus,” says Ingram. “I remember missing a lot of school and crying a lot because asthma is painful. I [was taken] to see my doctor often if I got sick with anything so I was hypervigilant as a child, and I still am.”
Today, Juanita says her symptoms are best managed when she’s working closely with her care team, avoiding getting sick and staying ahead of any symptoms. Ingram said she’s been blessed with skilled doctors who are just as vigilant of her symptoms as she is. While competing in the Mrs. Universe competition, Juanita took extra care to stay clear of other competitors to ensure she didn’t catch a cold or virus that would trigger her severe asthma. “I would stand off to the side and sometimes that could be taken as ‘oh, she thinks she's better than everybody else.’ But if I get sick during a pageant, I'm done. I had to compete with that in mind because my sickness doesn't look like everybody else's sickness.”
Even when her symptoms are under control, living with severe asthma still presents challenges. Juanita relies on her strong support system to overcome the hurdles caused by a lack of understanding from the public, “I think that there's a lot of lack of awareness about how serious severe asthma is. I would [also] tell women to advocate and to trust their intuition and not to allow someone to dismiss what you're experiencing.”
Jania Watson
Jania, a content creator from Atlanta, Georgia, has been living with severe asthma for many years. Thanks to early testing by asthma specialists, Jania was diagnosed with severe asthma as a child after experiencing frequent flare-ups and challenges in her day-to-day life. “I specifically remember, I was starting school, and we were moving into a new house. One of the triggers for me and my younger sister at the time were certain types of carpets. We had just moved into this new house and within weeks of us being there, my parents literally had to pay for all new carpet in the house.”
As Jania grew older, she was suffering from fewer flare-ups and thought her asthma was well under control. However, a trip back to her doctor during high school revealed that her severe asthma was affecting her more than she realized. “That was the first time in a long time I had to do a breathing test,” she describes. “The doctor had me take a deep breath in and blow into a machine to test my breathing. They told me to blow as hard as I could. And I was doing it. I was giving everything I got. [My dad and the doctor] were looking at me like ‘girl, stop playing.’ And at that point [it confirmed] I still have severe asthma because I've given it all I got. It doesn't really go away, but I just learned how to help manage it better.”
Jania recognizes that people who aren’t living with asthma, may not understand the disease and mistake it for something less serious. Or there could be others who think their symptoms are minor, and not worth bringing up. So, for Jania, communicating with others about her diagnosis is key. “Having severe asthma [flare-ups] in some cases looks very similar to being out of shape,” she said. “But this is a chronic illness that I was born with. This is just something that I live with that I've been dealing with. And I think it's important for people to know because that determines the next steps. [They might ask] ‘Do you need a bottle of water, or do you need an inhaler? Do you need to take a break, or do we need to take you to the hospital?’ So, I think letting the people around you know what's going on, just in case anything were to happen plays a lot into it as well.”
Like Juanita, Jania’s journey has been marked by ups and downs, but she remains an unwavering advocate for asthma awareness and support within the Black community. She hopes that her story can be an inspiration to other women with asthma who may not yet have their symptoms under control. “There's still life to be lived outside of having severe asthma. It is always going to be there, but it's not meant to stop you from living your life. That’s why learning how to manage it and also having that support system around you, is so important.”
By sharing their journeys, Juanita and Jania hope to encourage others to embrace their conditions, obtain a proper management plan from a doctor or asthma specialist like a pulmonologist or allergist, and contribute to the improvement of asthma awareness and support, not only within the Black community, but for all individuals living with severe asthma.
Read more stories from others like Juanita and Jania on Amgen.com, or visit Uncontrolled Asthma In Black Women | BREAK THE CYCLE to find support and resources.
And honestly, in a roundabout way, it’s for both of these reasons that I think that, when you’re dating (especially seriously dating) someone, I believe that this is the time of year when you should especially take note of certain things. Because if there’s one time of year when you can get a real peep into what your future with someone could very possibly be like — between Thanksgiving and New Year’s would definitely be it.
Don’t believe me? Keep reading and I think that you’ll see exactly where I am coming from.
If They’re a “Holiday Person” or Not
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After almost two decades of working with couples, if there are three things that get totally underestimated during the dating process it’s sexual compatibility, having different faith mindsets, and how folks view holidays. And while the first two may make all of the sense in the world to you, if that last one is something that you think is no biggie — you are potentially setting yourself up for years of unnecessary stress, drama, and/or disappointment, if you don’t ponder how this can very much so become problematic.
Shoot, even on a friendship level, I had a friend who was pretty much obsessed with Christmas. I don’t observe holidays so, whenever she’d want me to come over for Christmas movies, loud Christmas music, and the baking of Christmas cookies and I passed or was less than enthusiastic, she was low-key triggered. That’s because a lot of people have many emotional things wrapped up into the holiday season: childhood memories, certain teachings, and sentimental expectations.
Anyway, if you’re someone who counts down to Christmas, your partner couldn’t care less and somehow you think that it will be smooth sailing for the rest of your life to be with someone like that — I’ll just say that I’ve had some clients who have ultimately broken up over that very issue. It’s because one felt overlooked while the other felt that they were being dramatic. And since Christmas — hell, all holidays — circle around every year…years of this led to a build-up of stress and resentment.
Moral to the story: might as well figure out now where both of you stand and, if you’re not on the same page of interest or enthusiasm, if there is room for compromise before jumping any broom.
If They’re Proactive or Reactive
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Although I don’t do holidays, I don’t know if it’s the Gemini in me or what but I am all-the-way-live about my birthday. That said, I once had a boyfriend who, while he was a nice guy, he absolutely sucked when it came to celebrating the one day that I actually care about. I mean, he was horrible at it. The reason he gave was his birthday wasn’t that big of a deal — and you know what? I absolutely don’t get what that has to do with me. Yeah, it’s kind of another article for another time that you should make sure that your partner isn’t so selfish that they think you should not expect certain things from them just because they’re not interested in them. Anyway, because this was his mindset, I can’t count one time when he was proactive about my birthday. Now, once he realized that either my feelings were hurt or I was irritated, here he would come with some sort of semi-plan — but why did it take that for him to show up for something that happens the same time annually? *le sigh*
The silver lining on this point is, that he’s the reason why I tell people all of the time to make sure that they pay attention to whether or not their partner is proactive vs. reactive during the dating process. What I mean by that is, do they think about what would bring a smile to your face all on their own or do they only do things to get out of the “dog house” on the back end?
And if holidays matter to you, there is no better time to pay close attention to this particular point: Are they offering to help with shopping or wrapping? Have they planned dates to get your mind off of potential holiday stress? Have they asked you to set aside time for them whether it’s during Christmas or in time for New Year’s? Or has it been crickets the entire time?
My late fiancé was a proactive man. I mean, even when I had a cold, this man would have flowers, orange juice, and meds waiting for me at my dorm (yep, even at that young of an age, he was on it). It’s one of the things that “sold” me to the concept of forever with him. People who move proactively have you on their minds and like to show it.
Reactive people are always trying to fix what could’ve been avoided…if they had only been proactive in the first place. BIG DIFFERENCE. And yes, the holidays typically tend to amplify all of this.
How Their Love Language Translates
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There is a wife in my life who once said something to me that I have shared before on this platform and I definitely make a point to share with all of my clients at one point or another. After a few decades of marriage and watching how her husband is reactive in many ways, I inquired how it made her feel. What she said was truly a mic drop moment: “I know that he loves me. He just doesn’t nourish or cherish me well.” She’s pulling that from Scripture: “So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.” (Ephesians 5:28-29 — NKJV)
One definition of nourish is “sustain with food or nutriment.” Her husband is a good provider, so I know what she meant was more in the lane of synonyms like cultivate, tend to, and comfort. He’s just not the “go above and beyond” kind of man.
As far as cherish, that means that someone “to care for tenderly; nurture.”
When it comes to your own relationship, one way that your own partner can nourish and cherish you is by speaking your love language (physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts) — and the holiday season is a great time for them to do that. Even if they don’t have a ton of money, they can take you out on dates that have your love language in mind (check out “15 Date Ideas Based On Your Love Language”). And while they’re doing that, you too can be figuring out how to become more fluent in the love language that they tend to resonate with the most.
Since December is reportedly the most romantic time of the year, if a man is gonna show up in this particular area, it’s usually gonna be now or bust. And that brings me to my next point.
If They’re Romantic
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I’m working with a client right now who is the absolute worst when it comes to romance. In his mind, if it’s not practical, it makes no sense to do it — whatever “it” may be. Because he’s a good husband in other areas, his wife has learned how to go without it; however, she has shared with me that if she could do things over again, she would’ve not married someone who didn’t have one romantic bone in his body because it has caused her to feel less appreciated than she thought that going without it would.
And just what does it mean to be a romantic individual? A very simple word encapsulates it pretty well: wooing. It’s what someone does to receive the — or when you’re in a relationship, more of the — affection, attention, admiration, and love of someone else.
Now we already know that one of the reasons why some people can seem romantic on the front end and then it falls off later is because they will amp up the “wooing” during dating and courtship and then get very comfortable after marriage. However, when someone is naturally romantic, more times than not, that isn’t the case. I know some husbands who are “strong wooers” to this day and it’s all because they are hard-wired to show their wives how much they mean to them on a pretty consistent basis.
Now, it’s another article for another time that it’s easier for a man to be romantic when women are wooing back (y’all ready to talk about that yet?). For instance, let’s not act like Valentine’s Day ain’t coming up soon and some of y’all think that it’s only about what you should be receiving and not also giving in return (sex is not a present, by the way). Yet the bottom line with this point is — watch if he woos or turns up the wooing. If he doesn’t and that really and truly bothers you, don’t ignore those feelings. “Forever” is a long time to go without getting something that you need and if romance is one of those things…take that very seriously.
(The husband I talked about has a hella surprise for his wife before the holidays are over, by the way. Counseling works! If there’s trouble in your relationship right now…get some.)
How They Are with Money
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Did you know that, reportedly, 25 percent of people are still trying to get rid of the debt that they received from holiday shopping last year? Yeah, that’s not good. And since financial stress, drama, and trauma continue to be a leading cause of why marriages end, you both need to pay attention to how y’all act in the mall and with your credit cards online right about now. Are either one of you impulsive spenders? Do either one of you take the attitude of “spend now, worry later”? This is a great time to talk about if you both are good at budgeting if you both have savings accounts (with actual money in it), and if you both use credit cards for emergencies more than anything else.
Since money is something that is an uncomfortable topic for a lot of people, it’s no shocker that many couples end up totally blindsided in marriage because they didn’t know certain things about how their partner got down when it comes to coins. Shoot, you’d be amazed by how many folks get up in arms whenever I ask them to show their partner their credit report during premarital sessions — umm, you’re going to be married to them. You don’t think they’re gonna eventually find out anyway? (What in the world?)
A lot of money moves around during the holiday season. This means that if there is a time when it doesn’t seem quite so “Why do you need to know that?” when it comes to spending habits and money mindsets, this would be it. Take advantage of it. The more you know about their money moves, the more clarity you’ll have about whether they’re a good fit for you — or not. Ask every divorced person you know how right I am on this one. They’ll tell you.
What Their Family Dynamic Is Like
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Family. Whew, chile. I remember when a guy — a guy who is now divorced, mind you — used to very arrogantly say, “I didn’t marry my wife’s family. I married her.” And while “leaving and cleaving” (Genesis 2:24-25) should indeed be a focus in any marriage, if you think that the person who you’re going to spend the rest of your life with will not have their relatives impact you on some level… “delusional” is a kind word for me to use. Listen, even if they are estranged from their family or their loved ones are deceased, the influence of those dynamics is still going to have a direct effect on you, one way or another.
That said, since most people are not in those “exclusive clubs,” if you are going to spend, at least a part of the holiday with your bae’s people, you need to pay close attention to how things go down. How folks communicate. If boundaries are respected. How you are spoken to and treated. What the family traditions are and if you are comfortable with them. If you see any red flags, that could make it difficult for you to interact with his family moving forward — and these are just a few examples of where I am coming from.
You know, it’s interesting. Although a leading cause for divorce continues to be what I just stated (finances), I semi-recently read a Forbes article that said the lack of family support is climbing up the ladder for why so many marriages are falling apart. This means that the whole “you and me against the world” mindset is slowly becoming more challenging to maintain because, some folks are realizing that, even when it comes to sustaining a marriage, it can “take a village” as far as having a solid support and encouragement system goes.
Now, can a marriage survive when there is familial conflict? So long as both people have really healthy boundaries, sure. Yet why would you choose to have that kind of relationship if you can be with someone where there is peace and harmony instead? And so, if the two of you are gonna be with either or both of your people this holiday season, pay close attention to the family dynamics and interactions. Family will always reveal a lot. I’ve dodged some major bullets by taking this point to heart. Boy, do I have some testimonies!
How Open They Are to Compromise
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Even with all that I just said, there is gonna be at least one of these categories where you both are going to have to be at least a little bit flexible — and that’s why I’m going to close this article out on that point. Some people are so “me-centered” that they don’t want a relationship; they want someone who is gonna be their hype man or hype woman…nothing more. And someone who isthat selfish? That is someone who needs to remain single.
And what does selfishness look like? Just for safe measure?
- Selfish people only care about their feelings, wants, and needs.
- Selfish people are poor listeners.
- Selfish people like to manipulate in order to get their way.
- Selfish people make plans that involve you without consulting with you first.
- Selfish people never know how to “go with the flow;” in other words, they are inflexible.
- Selfish people take more than they give.
- Selfish people like to hog all of the attention.
- Selfish people are not considerate of other people’s perspectives.
- Selfish people can’t take feedback and tend to not hold themselves accountable.
- Selfish people are self-consumed.
And if you think that you can build a strong, healthy, and lasting relationship with someone like that? Chile, I don’t see how — or more importantly, why you would even want to.
Listen, NOTHING reveals selfishness quite like the holidays do. So, definitely take this final point to heart. No matter how much you care about someone, if they are showing all kinds of signs of being a selfish individual, that’s typically not something that you can just “love away.” Remember that selfishness is about getting more…so if your partner shows himself to be hella selfish over the next several days, it might be time to do some slowing down NOT speeding up the relationship.
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Enjoy this holiday season, sis. Just make sure to use it as the “magnifying glass” that it is.
The good that you see — awesome.
The challenges that you see — do not ignore them.
The holidays are trying to do you a solid. Thank them for it.
They’ve actually got you…more than you know.
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