Check In On Your Strong Friend: 4 Signs Your Friend Is Going Through Depression
When my friend told me about her previous struggle with depression, it was like a punch to the gut. I feel like the first thought is always, "Why didn't you tell me? I could've helped somehow."
But the reality that there's very little I could have done is almost as gut-wrenching as the thought of a close friend having this terrible struggle within herself. This is especially hard to recognize for the ones that are labeled as "the strong friend." They might seem to have it all together, but if you watch closely, there could be a serious struggle that they don't feel like they can talk to anyone about.
Related: I Found Out I Was Suffering From Genetic Depression. Here's How I Overcame It
Despite being a minority group, black people are said to be 10 percent more likely than their white counterparts to suffer from depression. In tandem with that stat, black people are also far less likely to seek treatment for their mental health issues.
Thankfully, depression and mental health is no longer this taboo conversation that we have to try to ignore. With recent celebrities shocking the world with ending their lives and even the amazingly talented Michelle Williams bravely opening up about her struggle and her decision to seek help, now is the perfect time to address it and confront it head-on for those close to us. It's more than having discussions and "raising awareness," but is also about figuring out ways we can truly help and try to make a difference for ourselves and those around us.
If you believe, or are wondering, if one of your close friends, or even yourself, is struggling with depression, take a look at some of the most common warning signs below.
Withdrawing From Being Social
I think we can all agree that adulting is nothing to mess with. And there are countless memes that prove why going out for a fun girl's night isn't what it used to be. (i.e. "I'm sorry I couldn't make but I didn't want to come.") But laughter aside, this could be an indication that your friend is secretly dealing with depression. She might have been the life of the party at one point, but now wants to stay inside with no hope of resurfacing for interactions with friends.
If she seems extra down and you feel like there's very little you can do to help her to leave the house after weeks and months of trying, this is something you can't overlook. A good idea might be to have a girl's night at her place if she doesn't want to go out. Use that as an excuse to seriously check on her and ask her how she's doing.
Open up about your concerns that she's not who she used to be.
You might be surprised at how that effort could make her feel comfortable enough to tell you what's truly going on with her.
She Constantly Criticizes Herself
This is seriously the worst. Hearing a friend who you perceive as amazing constantly belittle herself is one of the worst feelings ever. But imagine how bad she must feel if she's saying these things out loud; not to mention what could be going through her head that doesn't make it into conversation.
While you might not feel comfortable addressing depression upfront, one thing you could do in moments like this is to stop your friend from talking bad about herself, and others around her. When she insults herself, tell her it's not true. And if it is true, give her loving words and tell her something that IS good about her anyway. Help her look in the mirror and see that she has something to offer that no one else can. Let her know that you go through your own issues and even think negative things about yourself at certain times. During these moments, one of the best things you can offer is reassurance. She might not know it, but it could be exactly what she's looking for.
Difficulty Eating And Sleeping
While some symptoms of depression are more hidden than others, not sleeping through the night and a loss of appetite are some of the most open ones. If you notice your friend hardly ever wants to eat, or on the other hand, eats emotionally all the time, there could be something she's going through internally. If she's also having trouble getting a full night sleep, or, on the flip side, wants to do nothing but sleep, this is also a possible indication of depression.
Related: Solange's Health Scare Is A Reminder To Us All To Check On That "Strong" Friend
This one is a little bit more difficult to help with, especially if she lives by herself. You could go as far as bringing her lunch to work to make sure she eats. This would be a good time to have the discussion with her about her possible battle. It's also helpful to ask her in the morning how she slept the night before. If she consistently says she hardly got any sleep, ask her why she thinks that is. It could create dialogue if she doesn't realize she's struggling with depression.
Their Cryptic Conversations
You might be able to discover if your friend is depressed by something that's seemingly as simple as her words. If she hints toward the world being a better place without her, tries to even joke about suicide, says that no one needs her, you seriously have to listen and say/do something. At some point, it can get really discouraging as you realize your encouragement has a ceiling.
Trying to help a friend through depression is scary and we're not professionals.
As much as we want to save the day, there's only so much we can do. Let your friend know that either way, therapy is nothing she has to be ashamed of and encourage her as much as you can to get the help she needs while reassuring her that you're still by her side.
If you or someone you know is currently dealing with depression, check out this list of helpful resources over at Everyday Health.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Charmaine Patterson is a journalist, lifestyle blogger, and a lover of all things pop culture. While she has much experience in covering top entertainment news stories, she aims to share her everyday life experiences, old and new, with other women who can relate, laugh, and love along with her. Follow Char on Twitter @charjpatterson, Instagram @charpatterson, and keep up with her journey at CharJPatterson.com .
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images