Reclaiming My Power: Why I'm Saying 'No' To Sex
If the 22-year-old me were able to glance into my current life, she'd probably be shocked that the same old repetitive relationships weren't on cycle 20 of never-ending lost hope.
It's been just over two years since I decided to quit wasting my time on meaningless relationships, and take a vow of celibacy until further notice. My definition of celibacy is not just limited to abstaining from sex physically, but mentally, too. I am a woman who can be stimulated in the mind as well. Just the way a man speaks to me can be a turn on. But after doing some reflection, I realized I had spent the last few years allowing myself to let words persuade me past my better judgement to leave a bad relationship alone, and I wouldn't let that happen again. I needed a change, I was ready for a change. So I vowed to myself and the man above that I would not waste my time, effort, and affection on any more dead-end relationships.
Now at 24-years-old I feel confident in saying I've had my fair share of heartache in unrealistic relationships, or better I say "situationships," each one ending with me confused or feeling used and played. Through celibacy I would get a better understanding of myself by establishing what I'm looking for in a man, my needs, and also recognize what I don't want.
I'll be honest, when I first began this was not the original plan, I wanted to just step away from that situation and move on to a new one, freely. The celibate part just kind of happened. After about three months of being fed up with what was presented to me, I realized I had had enough. I wanted to set a new standard for my love life, and celibacy would be the method for me.
Through my journey I feel as if I've accomplished much more than just control over my love life.I have regained the self-awareness I once had, but lost somewhere along the way.
1. I Become in Control Over my Love Life Again
Initially, I was worried about where celibacy would leave me relationship wise, but it actually made things clearer for me. I had spent so much time trying to work with someone else’s idea of what they wanted in a relationship that I basically lost my own. I had to sit down and physically write out some expectations and boundaries for what I wanted in a relationship. That was kind of hard at first, but moving forward it will be easier for to express my needs before jumping into something long-term.
2. I Gained Clarity
Starting fresh was my way of wiping the slate clean and allowing myself the chance to build in a new headspace. The clarity came around the end of year one, when old temptations appeared and I began to see what intentions were and how I previously allowed my feelings about an individual to blur my better judgement. Now I move a little differently; I can see where a situation is going and make the decision to leave it alone or stay.
3. I Strengthened My Relationship With God
I knew by making the vow to not only myself, but God, I would be testing myself. I thought I had a strong faith before, but I always second guessed what I should have left in God’s hands. This time around I wholeheartedly put my faith in him, and my patience would come from that. I always turned to God when needed, but this time it was different. This time I turned to him for reassurance in myself that I can do it.
4. I Feel Light
Sometimes you don’t realize the weight you carry when dealing with toxic relationships. Deciding to start anew was a way to give myself the chance to be free to date who I wanted, but not relying on comfort to decide who that person was. I don’t feel like a bag lady anymore; I'm more aware of the baggage I carry around with me now.
5. I Became Focused
It's crazy to think about how I spent so much time and energy into chasing after the thrill of a relationship, I never realized how much your attention sways when you are worried about keeping up with someone else. After I gave myself some space for me, I began to become the planner I was before--making my lists and setting weekly goals. I was able to focus on personal goals that were subconsciously put on hold and achieved things that I hadn’t realized I placed on the back burner.
I won't lie and say that a lot of what I've built hasn't been a shield from what hurt me in the past, in a way it has. But I won’t allow myself to be that person again. Celibacy may not be for everyone, it may even sound crazy that someone can change so much from just abstaining from sex. But in a world where everything is #relationshipgoals, you can get caught up in the hype and lose yourself a bit.
I want to share my journey with women like me, and I'm proud to say that I am two years and five months celibate. I am dating on my terms and pursuing relationships the way that feels right to me. I think it's important for women, especially young women in the same position I was in, to hear from someone who is right there with them.
[Tweet "It's time for young women to reclaim our power in our sex lives."]
We're allowed to be a part of setting the pace in a relationship. We need that in order for us to truly understand our worth and needs, and so we can stop repeating cycles. As the saying goes, the definition of insanity is someone repeating the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Stop your insanity, and give yourself the chance to be self-aware and come full circle in your growth as a person.
Are you or have you been celibate? What did it do for your relationships?
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Elaine Welteroth Recalls The ‘Humbling’ Hospital Experience That Sparked Her Maternal Advocacy
Elaine Welteroth is shedding light on the traumatic doctor’s experience that pushed her to advocate for expecting mothers of color.
In an interview with PEOPLE, the former editor-in-chief of Teen Vogue gave a transparent recount of her experience navigating the medical system as a first-time mom.
“I think pregnancy is the most vulnerable time for any woman,” Welteroth said. “I came into childbirth and pregnancy really naive. I was kind of shocked by how little I knew about birth and navigating the medical system.”
She adds, “I thought, I've done hard things in my life. How hard could it be to have a baby? You find a doctor, you go to the hospital, you get the epidural, you have the baby.”
Upon relocating to Los Angeles with her husband, Jonathan Singletary, Welteroth was met with “humbling” encounters with medical professionals while in search of a doctor.
She recalls one occasion with a doctor who cut her off during questioning, enforcing a limit on inquiries per visit. “I had one doctor literally stand up in the middle of a question I was asking, and cut me off and tell me that I exceeded their two to three question max per visit,” she says. “And she walked out on me, and this was the eighth doctor I’d met with.”
“I was asking very straightforward questions like, what's your intervention rate? What's your C-section rate? These are questions every birthing person should be asking of their care provider. I was asking, could I eat or drink water during labor.”
Shockingly, “The doctor literally laughed at me and said, ‘What do you think this is? You can't just walk into a hospital, pop a squat, and have a baby,’ and dismissively walked out of the room.”
Welerorth’s is just one of the many examples of Black women’s growing plea for support and advocacy during pregnancy and childbirth.
According to a 2021 study by the CDC, “the maternal mortality rate for non-Hispanic Black women was 69.9 deaths per 100,000 live births, 2.6 times the rate for non-Hispanic White women.” The NLM also reports that “Black women in the United States (U.S.) disproportionately experience adverse pregnancy outcomes, including maternal mortality, compared to women of other racial and ethnic groups.”
To combat this disparity, Welteroth has launched the BirthFund initiative to help provide midwifery care and support for families and address the alarming maternal mortality rates in the United States, particularly among Black women.
Welteroth’s dream team of “founding funders” include Savannah James, Kelly Rowland, Serena Williams, Ayesha Curry, and more.
“The beauty of this initiative is that it really does meet people where they're at. It’s a grassroots fundraising effort,” she says. “These are women and privileged folks who understand how broken this system is because of their own personal experiences, and we all come together and agree that we need a change.”
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Featured image by Rodin Eckenroth/Getty Images for The 2024 MAKERS Conference