Reclaiming My Power: Why I'm Saying 'No' To Sex
If the 22-year-old me were able to glance into my current life, she'd probably be shocked that the same old repetitive relationships weren't on cycle 20 of never-ending lost hope.
It's been just over two years since I decided to quit wasting my time on meaningless relationships, and take a vow of celibacy until further notice. My definition of celibacy is not just limited to abstaining from sex physically, but mentally, too. I am a woman who can be stimulated in the mind as well. Just the way a man speaks to me can be a turn on. But after doing some reflection, I realized I had spent the last few years allowing myself to let words persuade me past my better judgement to leave a bad relationship alone, and I wouldn't let that happen again. I needed a change, I was ready for a change. So I vowed to myself and the man above that I would not waste my time, effort, and affection on any more dead-end relationships.
Now at 24-years-old I feel confident in saying I've had my fair share of heartache in unrealistic relationships, or better I say "situationships," each one ending with me confused or feeling used and played. Through celibacy I would get a better understanding of myself by establishing what I'm looking for in a man, my needs, and also recognize what I don't want.
I'll be honest, when I first began this was not the original plan, I wanted to just step away from that situation and move on to a new one, freely. The celibate part just kind of happened. After about three months of being fed up with what was presented to me, I realized I had had enough. I wanted to set a new standard for my love life, and celibacy would be the method for me.
Through my journey I feel as if I've accomplished much more than just control over my love life.I have regained the self-awareness I once had, but lost somewhere along the way.
1. I Become in Control Over my Love Life Again
Initially, I was worried about where celibacy would leave me relationship wise, but it actually made things clearer for me. I had spent so much time trying to work with someone else’s idea of what they wanted in a relationship that I basically lost my own. I had to sit down and physically write out some expectations and boundaries for what I wanted in a relationship. That was kind of hard at first, but moving forward it will be easier for to express my needs before jumping into something long-term.
2. I Gained Clarity
Starting fresh was my way of wiping the slate clean and allowing myself the chance to build in a new headspace. The clarity came around the end of year one, when old temptations appeared and I began to see what intentions were and how I previously allowed my feelings about an individual to blur my better judgement. Now I move a little differently; I can see where a situation is going and make the decision to leave it alone or stay.
3. I Strengthened My Relationship With God
I knew by making the vow to not only myself, but God, I would be testing myself. I thought I had a strong faith before, but I always second guessed what I should have left in God’s hands. This time around I wholeheartedly put my faith in him, and my patience would come from that. I always turned to God when needed, but this time it was different. This time I turned to him for reassurance in myself that I can do it.
4. I Feel Light
Sometimes you don’t realize the weight you carry when dealing with toxic relationships. Deciding to start anew was a way to give myself the chance to be free to date who I wanted, but not relying on comfort to decide who that person was. I don’t feel like a bag lady anymore; I'm more aware of the baggage I carry around with me now.
5. I Became Focused
It's crazy to think about how I spent so much time and energy into chasing after the thrill of a relationship, I never realized how much your attention sways when you are worried about keeping up with someone else. After I gave myself some space for me, I began to become the planner I was before--making my lists and setting weekly goals. I was able to focus on personal goals that were subconsciously put on hold and achieved things that I hadn’t realized I placed on the back burner.
I won't lie and say that a lot of what I've built hasn't been a shield from what hurt me in the past, in a way it has. But I won’t allow myself to be that person again. Celibacy may not be for everyone, it may even sound crazy that someone can change so much from just abstaining from sex. But in a world where everything is #relationshipgoals, you can get caught up in the hype and lose yourself a bit.
I want to share my journey with women like me, and I'm proud to say that I am two years and five months celibate. I am dating on my terms and pursuing relationships the way that feels right to me. I think it's important for women, especially young women in the same position I was in, to hear from someone who is right there with them.
[Tweet "It's time for young women to reclaim our power in our sex lives."]
We're allowed to be a part of setting the pace in a relationship. We need that in order for us to truly understand our worth and needs, and so we can stop repeating cycles. As the saying goes, the definition of insanity is someone repeating the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Stop your insanity, and give yourself the chance to be self-aware and come full circle in your growth as a person.
Are you or have you been celibate? What did it do for your relationships?
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Playa del Carmen is the perfect vacation getaway for anyone who loves beautiful beaches, delicious food, and fun activities. Located on the Caribbean Sea side of Mexico, PDC is nestled right between the spring break hub Cancun and the growing hotspot Tulum. Oftentimes overlooked for some of the other popular cities, I found Playa del Carmen to have just as much in terms of vacation necessities, with a more local and authentic Mexican feel.
The Ultimate Guide to Playa del Carmen
Playa del Carmen is perfect for a solo traveler looking to spend a few days in paradise or the group chat that wants to hang on the beach all day and turn up at night. I found the area to have a little bit of everything for everyone, so here’s my guide on where to eat, stay, and play for the ultimate Playa del Carmen vacation.
Getting Around
The easiest way to get to Playa del Carmen is to fly into Cancun Airport and then make your way south. You can rent a car and drive the one hour down to PDC, take a taxi, or you can catch the ADO bus, which will cost you less than $40 roundtrip. Overall, Playa del Carmen is an easy and safe city to navigate. If you stay on or close to Quinta Avenida (5th Avenue), you’ll be within walking distance to a ton of stores, restaurants, and nightlife. Most taxi rides were between 100 and 150 pesos, which is less than $10 USD. Renting a car is also an option, but with things being very walkable and taxis being fairly inexpensive, it’s not a necessity. Another great way to get around is bikes, which you can rent to use throughout the city.
Stay
The Thompson Hotel is for the folks who know that where you stay on vacation absolutely does matter. This luxury property offers chic rooms and upscale suites, onsite restaurants, and a spa for those who are looking to pamper themselves. One of the standout features of this property is the rooftop infinity pool, which has 360-degree views of the city and is absolutely stunning. This is your type of hotel if you value immaculate views, delicious eats, prime location, and live DJs.
Grand Hyatt offers a prime beachfront location, while also being steps away from the mix on Quinta Avenida. I like that this property allows you to take in the calm beauty of the Caribbean, while also being in close proximity to the action within the city. You get both authentic Mexican food and some international fare at the resort restaurants, and this property also has an infinity pool that gives views of the ocean.
Airbnb
If you don’t have the funds to spend on a hotel stay, but still want clean and comfortable accommodations, do not overlook Airbnb. You can find super reasonably priced apartments close to the strip that will leave you in the heart of all the action. Many of these buildings feature 24-hour security, infinity pools, top-notch gyms, and rooftop bars. This is a great way to save some money, while not sacrificing the quality of the accommodations you like.
Eat
One of the best parts of being near the Caribbean Sea is having access to fresh seafood, and Ictio Fish House is the place to go for it. Located just a block off of the 5th Avenida strip, this small seafood restaurant is a quieter change compared to some of the busier and more touristy restaurants located directly on the strip. They have both indoor and outdoor seating available, but if you can snag a spot at the bar, the service is top notch and you can watch the bartender put together your craft cocktail.
Everything they serve is delicious and tastes authentic, so you really can't go wrong when ordering. But to start, the crispy jumbo shrimp and calamari are perfect for sharing. Other must-try dishes are the garlic butter catch of the day and the adobo-styled octopus.
El Fogon
Ask anyone for a recommendation for the best tacos in Playa del Carmen, and I promise you they will point you to El Fogon. You know a spot is good when it’s filled with just as many locals as tourists, and there’s a line outside at 1 p.m. This no-frills spot serves up authentic Mexican favorites like el pastor tacos, chicken quesadillas, guacamole, and margaritas. Every dish comes with the fixings and is not only super filling but extremely affordable. You can easily get a full meal and a drink for less than $20 USD. They have more than one location, so you can taste some of their delicious tacos no matter what part of PDC you stay in.
L&L by Lara&Luca
Before you hit the beach for day drinking, you need a hearty breakfast from L&L to start your day. This cute cafe is the smaller “sister” restaurant to Lara&Luca, another popular breakfast and lunch cafe in Playa. I liked that L&L is less busy and more laid back than the other location. They serve up typical breakfast and lunch items such as eggs, coffee, sandwiches, and French toast.
My favorite item was the ham and cheese croissant, which could be enjoyed on their outdoor seating or taken to enjoy on the go. They also have yummy pastries, but these sell out quickly, so be sure to go early.
El Pirata
If you’re a fried fish lover like me and appreciate sea-to-table service, El Pirata is the place to go. This restaurant is tucked away towards the end of the main 5th Avenida strip, so you might miss it if you aren’t looking for it. The restaurant serves up a plethora of tasty dishes like fresh ceviche, garlic shrimp, and shrimp empanadas, and has a full beverage menu for your libation needs. However, the fried fish is truly the star of the show.
When you order, they bring to your table a few of the fresh fish that were caught that day and allow you to choose which lucky one you want them to fry for you. And let me tell you, picking your own fried fish just hits different! It was one of my favorite meals in Playa del Carmen.
Play
Food Tour
There are so many delicious places to eat in Playa del Carmen so taking a local food tour is the best way to try a little bit of everything. I love taking food tours when I travel because not only is it a great way to try a range of different local dishes, but the tour guides usually give you a history lesson during the tour where you learn more about the history of certain dishes and the country as a whole. In Playa Del Carmen, I took a local food tour with GetYourGuide, where we stopped at several different locations for tacos, fresh fruit juice, tamales, and more.
I value it when there’s a local leading the tour because it’s a way to support the locals and also learn things that only people native to the location would know. While we walked, the guide shared a lot of insight about Mexico and Playa del Carmen, while giving recommendations for places to eat during our trip.
Cenotes
Cenotes are natural sinkholes or underground caverns that have pools of water in which you can explore, dive, and swim in. You will find cenotes all around Mexico, but there are several in the Playa del Carmen region. Cenotes vary in size and also the depth of water, so even if you don’t know how to swim, you can find a cenote to explore at your own comfort level. Two beautiful cenotes you can explore near PDC are Cenote Azul and Cenote Dos Ojos.
Cenote Azul is perfect for snorkeling because of the crystal clear waters that allow you to see the colorful fish and plant life underneath. Cenote Dos Ojos is perfect for explorers due to the mesmerizing underground caverns and rock formations throughout. You can take a trip to the cenotes on your own or book a tour that may take you to several different cenotes.
Beaches
Playa Del Carmen has some of the most beautiful beaches in the Caribbean, so beach hopping is a must while vacationing in the area. Whether you want a chill, relaxing beach day or you are thinking of jet skiing on the blue waters, there is a beach for you. There are several beaches along the coast of Playa del Carmen, some that are within walking distance of most hotels, and others that you may need to travel to get to but are totally worth it.
Playa Mamitas is one of the most popular beaches in PDC due to its location near the heart of the city, and also because of the crystal clear waters and white sand. Playa Mamitas is also a great spot for entertainment and the occasional beach party for the folks wanting to turn up. Playacar Beach is another great option that is located in the upscale Playacar neighborhood, south of downtown Playa del Carmen.
It is known for its pristine beauty and laid-back atmosphere, making it a popular destination for travelers seeking relaxation and seclusion. Other beaches to consider are Punta Esmeralda and Xpu-ha Beach, so you’ll have an option for every day of your trip, depending on your mood.
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