Why I Would Put My Goals On Hold To Support My Husband’s Hustle
I always say the best relationships will teach you as much about yourself as they do the other person.
My marriage is teaching me a lesson that I’m currently struggling to understand: Sometimes it’s not about you…like at all…in fact, not even a little bit.
Last September, my husband and I celebrated surviving our first year of marriage. While lighting our unity candle I reflected on our relationship and realized that for the ten years we dated, we managed to somehow find time to fall in love in between working two and sometimes three jobs a piece. There had been many days where I juggled a full-time day job (or two) while finding time to pitch and post as a freelance writer. My traditional day planner has been a mess of “post-it note” pitches and sex-ed curriculum since undergrad. Meanwhile my now husband, who was then my boyfriend, divided his time between building a business as a contractor and working for “the man” since we started seriously dating. We weren’t the type of couple who caught feelings over missed calls or taking hours to text back, and I could often be found saying, “If my man has time to ‘update his status' all day, he isn’t doing something right. He should have business to handle.”
But this past year something changed. My new roles as a wife and mother forced me to slow down and not just dedicate more time to my personal life, but actually sit still long enough to enjoy it. Trust me, if a newborn whose favorite place to nap is on your chest doesn’t make you pump your brakes, nothing will. Most days there just didn’t seem to be enough hours in the day between sleep-training my daughter and working full time and slowly I went from writing three pieces a day to three pieces a week for the sites I contributed to. I hadn’t completely abandoned my career or my hustler mentality, but as I’m getting older I’m beginning to feel less guilty for taking a break from chasing my dreams so I can get my everyday reality under control.
I remember reading an article on Ayesha Curry some time ago about husband Steph Curry thanking her after winning the NBA championship. He noted her willingness to put her acting career on hold and be a stay-at-home wife and mother, and how it allowed him to be the man he is. As much as I liked her, a very “judgmental” part of me in the pit of my stomach said, “Here we go. Another one making excuses about having to choose between career and family.” And per usual, life turned around to give me a much needed lesson in empathy and I reached a point where I realized I may have to get out of the driver’s seat of my dream to manage our household while my husband makes his hustle his full-time job.
As much as I’ve always liked that my husband has a hustler’s ambition similar to my own, I had never taken much time to learn about his hustle. I’d listen to him complain about customers, but most days I was giving him a thumbs up from my laptop before he left in the morning to load his work truck. For the most part we’ve stayed in our lanes, cheering each other on from the sidelines when we found time. But when you truly begin building a life with someone and raising children, you begin to learn to that you can’t always be behind the wheel.
[Tweet "Sometimes your best performance is from the passenger side"]
For some time, both of us had been constantly operating on “10” with demanding schedules that would dramatically change from day to day. Sometimes my husband would be home at 5:00 in time for dinner, other days he wouldn’t finish his day until 10:00 pm when he’d catch me at the end of a wrestling match with our one-year-old still fighting sleep. We weren’t able to create a routine for our child, because we had no routine, and I didn’t want her to grow up thinking this “burning the candle at both ends” lifestyle was healthy or normal.
From Ayesha Curry going from actress to #MomGoals on Twitter to Mary J. being her husband’s lover and secretary “working every day of the week,” I’m realizing that sometimes marriage requires sacrifice and putting my dreams on hold doesn’t have to be permanent as long as my husband recognizes after he handles his business he needs to fall back so I can make moves as well. (Meanwhile, amid her husband's success, Curry was eventually able to pursue her culinary dreams by snagging her own cooking show and cook book).
When you choose to build a life with someone you can’t just jump up and do what works for you, you have to do what works best for your family as a whole.
It’s funny because as much as I saw my father and mother work and raise my sister and I, it’s something I couldn’t fully understand until I had a family of my own.
It’s about finding the routine that is right for YOUR family. For some it may mean that you both won’t be walking hand in hand down that aisle getting your Master’s degrees at the same time, especially if it means there’s a child who never sees their parents for years at a time because they’re buried in the books. But for others, those few years of getting an education while squeezing parenting in between might be the difference between building the best life for your child and settling for something less. Regardless of the choice you make as a family, you do the best with what you have and make your peace with the things you have to give up.
[Tweet " As long as you recognize that “giving up” and “losing” are not the same thing..."]
As long as you recognize that “giving up” and “losing” are not the same thing because when one member of the family crosses the finish line, you all do.
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images