In Order To Love A Black Man, I Had To First Forgive My Father | xoNECOLE
Love & Relationships

In Order To Love A Black Man, I Had To First Forgive My Father

Comments (25)
  1. Black men date whoever they want. Something is very wrong with black women. Living in a black power fantasy film that no one else cares about.

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  2. Guest Writer says:

    Your article is beautifully written but still very much misses the mark.

    “That you may have been raised by a tired single mother who didn’t have the time or was not taught to think about your emotional development. Who may have leaned on you too hard, too soon and taught you to feel burdened by the opposite sex.”

    And where was the father? You fail to address that many of the issues that black men and women face are because of the abandonment of black husbands and fathers. It is not and never will be the place of the black woman to be wife, husband, mother, father, sister, brother, and cousin. Once we stop this attitude of a black woman should be able to do it all, then we as a community can be more honest about the weight of birthing children and stop birthing children we don’t want and/or can’t provide for. THIS is our responsibility.

    Personally, I don’t believe in black love! I think it is no different from the Disney princess love fairy tales used to keep little girls blind, deaf, and dumb to what love really is, except it specifically targets BLACK WOMEN. It is a ploy to imprison us in the black community and keep us at the disposal of black men. Black men (as a collective, please spare me the exception about your 1 or 2 daddy, uncles, and cousins who don’t count because you legally can’t marry them anyway) walk away from their communities at an alarming rate (72% OOW). They fail to protect and provide for their women. They don’t exalt us (but love Becky, Ming Li, and Maria). They are our first abusers and the statistics show how in danger we really are of them (just google sexual abuse rates of black girls/women, intimate partner violence, pregnancy homicide deaths against black women) and the author of the original article wants me to love and forgive them? It is NOT my job to be their punching bag. It is NOT my job to fix their mental issues. I AM NOT A THERAPIST and they need to hire one if they have issues. As adults we are responsible for our actions and your message puts black women in the sacrificial seat and that is dangerous. I am sooo tired of black women setting up other black women to fail in relationships. We need to encourage black women and girls to choose better, not choose a fixer upper. There are plenty of men ready and in tact. Why the hell would I waste my time with a bruised and battered man who will only bruise and batter me? For the sake of preserving blackness? How superficial! As a spouse I know it is my responsibility to come into a relationship whole. I expect the same from him. Only black women continue to promote their own erasure and abuse on a mass scale and I DO NOT GET IT! We fail our daughters, sisters, and sista friends by promoting this absolute nonsense.

    And another note…I don’t have to forgive him. I have to forgive myself for what I allowed or didn’t know. THAT IS ALL!

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  3. Kianti King says:

    “you are beautiful, and most likely damaged”…. that’s deep…

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  4. Lala Jaymes says:

    First “REAL” lesson I ever learned from grown-ups Babygirl…and I learned THIS lesson when I was about 5 years old…and my life and my history has only QUANITIFIED that lesson…

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  5. Beautifully written!

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  6. I believe every human is damaged but I have to agree, I believe their is a more poignant type of damage residing within our black community. (I hate separation but still) …… True

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  7. Makeeba Foster says:

    Love love love God bless you and your gift of clarity.

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  8. This is so sad but true. I just read this book about this and how this woman did a social experiment to only learn something about herself, i think it’s Sisters need not apply by Jewel Powell on Kindle..if only our culture could evolve more. Great article

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  9. Elan Ruffin says:

    Best article iv e read in a really long time explaining the hurt on how black women feel or have been taught to protect men who hate us such as now more than ever. Love her writing skills all I can say is wow this article had me in tears

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  10. Ciarra says:

    Very honest. Great read.

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  11. Kre says:

    This moved my soul and shifted something inside of me. Thank you Sistah for pouring some healing out when it’s needed the most.

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  12. Barbie says:

    I love this! Spoke to me in ways I didn’t think possible. Thank you Ashley!

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  13. Joi says:

    Wow! Ashley you slayed this! I will be sharing this article. You touched on issues that are hardly discussed and you stated it so poignantly. We must acquire this type of knowledge to heal and to help our children to heal. This is why they are hurting and killing each other, they do not understand it, but know that although they have been damaged they are still a beautiful creation from God with purpose no matter what and who hurt them. We must help our children to understand this! Thank you for this mountain of #TRUTH!

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  14. Lee says:

    Yeah black women, keep on “waiting” for “black love” while screaming “independence”. Even though the black women to black men ratio is greatly out numbered, maybe just maybe youll be one of the “chosen” ones.

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  15. Kendra says:

    Love this!!!!

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  16. Jesus, this hit me right in the chest.

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  17. Tamara Lair says:

    I Loved this!!

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  18. Yvonne Bryan says:

    Some fathers should be forgotten not forgiven.

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