How I Knew It Was Time To Call Off My Wedding
It was the Sunday before Thanksgiving and I was in the middle of one of the biggest fights of my life. Perhaps, the most hurtful part of the blind anger, and blood red rage was who I was in the fight with. My opponent during that fight wasn't supposed to be an opponent at all, he was my fiancé and almost a year ago, to that date, he had asked me to marry him. And now, we were fighting each other with words that could make anyone think that love had never grown, made, lived, or stayed there between us at all.
It was an hour before our food tasting at the wedding venue, but I could not feel anything. I was numb. I watched his back walk out of the door to leave.
Tears flowed down my face.
I accepted the sadness I felt in the time following our break up. Not for him. They were for me. I felt like the relationship failed despite all my effort. It was a realization that only solidified more as I thought of the save-the-dates that had gone out to family and friends, the venue that was halfway paid for, the wedding dress I no longer had a need for.
How could I stop now?
As I look back now, I realize that the feeling of failure was still easier to swallow than regret would ever be. And the relief I felt after sadness subsided forced me to realize that I was glad the train had stopped well before it pulled into the station. Deep down, I was grateful to him for walking away.
It meant I no longer had to say “yes" when every fiber of my being was screaming “no" all for the sake of a so-called happy ending with a man I no longer felt moved by or enamored with.
It's okay to be wrong in love.
Here are the 7 signs I wish I paid attention to long before that fight that told me the wedding was off:
Nothing About Our Relationship Was Organic
I met my ex-fiance the day before my first solo trip out of the country. I re-read the article I wrote about it now laughing at my ignorance. I didn't listen to a friend that said, “Get to know a man through all four seasons before committing your life to him." I had it mapped out to a science. Controlling my destiny was so important, I even organized the date and time of his marriage proposal. It wasn't a surprise. Nothing about our relationship came naturally because I was constantly forcing him to show love he didn't rightfully feel.
Of course, a man can say he loves you, but if he wakes up in the morning, fixes a full breakfast for himself and never asks, “Are you hungry?", you can make a safe bet that his words are just words. Love motivates us to be selfless.
Love moves us to give and, when it's authentic, giving is as natural as breathing. I ignored all the signs while simultaneously depending on signs to hold us together. What do I mean? The distance between us and our inability to communicate was consistent. However, on days where he'd happen to finish my sentences I thought, Oh my God, that's the sign that he was made for me. I just got to stay committed and rock with him!
Trust what is consistent. Trust your heart. I learned to stop fishing for signs and see things as they are.
My Body Changed
I gained 15 pounds. It wasn't the cutesy “date night eating out" weight because date nights ceased with a wedding looming overhead. It was stress weight. After my annual biometric screening, I was told to take a stress test. My blood pressure was incredibly high. If that wasn't enough, the hair around my temples receded after I'd cut off all my hair. I felt horrible about myself. The progress I'd made just the year before in being the healthiest I'd ever been was completely wiped away.
I Made No Personal Advancements
While personal advancement is a self-motivated decision, sometimes I was so obsessed with the relationship that I stifled my own growth. It's important to hold some energy back for your own goals and ambition. It's also important to connect to a man or woman who is your ultimate cheerleader. On days you run out of energy, he/she makes you feel like you can leap over tall buildings. Most importantly, you cultivate that “I Can Do Anything" spirit from having a healthy balance between your personal goals and the "us" goals. I didn't have the balance. It was all about building the "us" life and my life lost its luster.
I Had To Fake That The Picture Was Perfect
I became wedding planning obsessed while the relationship was falling apart. The image of the “best day of our lives" was the only joy I had. We made the commitment so we had to make it work. If I focused on the wedding plans, then the relationship would work itself out. I just had to keep pushing forward. I began overcompensating by creating the “grand" wedding in effort to mask the fear that I was making a mistake.
I went to my second bridal shop and found THE dress. I'd watched hundreds of would-be brides stand on the podium when they finally said 'yes to the dress' and cry tears of pure joy. My mother was teary-eyed. Her firstborn was in a gorgeous gown with a chapel-length veil. It was real now. I was going to marry him and I felt sick. I stood there with a beautiful dress on and the owner of the boutique said, “I sense some hesitation." The hesitation she sensed was not about the dress…it was my heart.
I remember leaving the boutique. Still manufacturing excitement, I called him saying “I found the dress!" He said, “That's nice. I'll call you after I'm finished doing what I'm doing." I stared at the phone, beeping with the sound of an abruptly-ended call. The wedding dress that should have been freeing felt like a straightjacket.
I Was Not Keeping God At The Center
My relationship with God came to a standstill because building this other relationship became the singular focus. I'd sit in church and plan out table settings and centerpieces in my head. I'd fill the hole with keeping busy. A friend said something so powerful to me once: “Christ is so important in a relationship because every time I get into an argument with my wife, I am convicted. My relationship with God gives me that push to say, 'Hey, I'm sorry.' God values at the center of your relationship holds you to a higher standard of how you treat each other. She is my partner and not my enemy."
It should never get to a place where name-calling is the go-to defense or ending the relationship becomes a curse-filled mantra. God is the compass that causes you to honor each other even in heated disagreements.
I Felt Really Alone In My Relationship
There I was, seven months away from the big day and I felt more alone than I'd ever felt in my life. I'd been stripped of my first love, which was travel, in order to prioritize the relationship first and not offend my soon-to-be-husband. He was on the couch playing video games or watching Netflix. I was in the bedroom buying home appliances or watching Four Weddings. This would go on for hours with barely two words spoken to each other until I fell asleep or he left the apartment to "do something." I became a clam, only imparting my feelings to my friends. He became resentful, using the silent treatment towards me whether we were together or apart.
Communication failed and therefore so did trust. My relationship with my friends ceased to exist. When I went to Barbados with my college friend for my birthday, a monkey ran across the main power line on the island and shut down the power in three parishes. The power outage also impacted the cell phone towers. To my fiancé, the story seemed as far fetched as it sounded. I spent most of the time there arguing about the veracity of the power outage on the island. Even in another country, I was unhappy. We were in a relationship in title but could not have been more apart in action.
We Were No Longer Compatible
Seeing value in what makes you different and appreciating it is what makes relationships work. He and I had two very different backgrounds. I am very suburban and he is very urban. I am a newbie traveler and he is a chronic homebody. He is frugal. I am for fabulosity on a budget. Our differences became obstacles instead of assets. They were weapons that drove a wedge between us instead of drawing us closer together. What we failed to do was respect the incredible things that made us unique. No one will ever find a person who is compatible in every way. Compatibility is important when it comes to values but differences are important to building mature balanced relationships.
The apartment was empty. I stared at a brand new Spin & Scrub Hoover vacuum cleaner and my new touchless trash can. All of these high tech appliances surrounded me but a gilded cage is still a cage. Actress Meagan Good's husband, Devon Franklin once said, "For anybody that has ever been married getting the ring isn't the end of the story. Unless God cosigned that ring, you are in trouble. Don't compare your life to someone else's life because you could be coveting trouble."
Thanksgiving Day, I had a family auction. I gave away most of the things I'd purchased during the course of the relationship. It gave me the closure I needed, and the satisfaction of witnessing my family and friends receive the things they needed.
To my surprise the family embraced my change in relationship status with a “thank God".
They saw the sadness I thought I'd masterfully masked. The fear I had of failure dissipated with each Taboo card thrown on the dinner table and each piece of cinnamon glazed sweet potato pie passed around. Life goes on!
We are living, breathing beings that grow and change.
I am embracing the fact that every relationship isn't the right one. I've learned to make a U-turn when it's necessary. No amount of commitment in the world is worth sacrificing your happy. By all means, get your happy!
Do you have a personal story that has happened to you and left you feeling empowered? Share your story with the xoNecole readers by sending your submissions to editor@xonecole.com!
Featured image by Beatriz Pérez Moya on Unsplash
- I called off my wedding. No, I'm not ok. But I will be. | Brains over ... ›
- 20 Percent of All Weddings are Called Off—Here's Why | Best Life ›
- 13 Women Share How Their Lives Changed After They Called Off ... ›
- I Called Off My Wedding -- And I Don't Regret It | HuffPost ›
- Adrienne Bailon: Why I Called Off My Engagement - YouTube ›
Danielle Kimberly is a Jersey girl and a health & wholeness educator. Read her humorous & habit forming stories for women of faith on www.luxevoyage.org. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @dannikimberly.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?
German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” At close to two decades of working with married couples, I agree with this man 1000 percent. It’s actually the main motivation for why I once penned, “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?” because, the reality is, if you’re not friends with the person who you vowed to share every aspect of your life with, for the rest of your life, it’s going to be very difficult (if not damn near impossible) to honor that level of commitment. Without question, I will now and forever die on the hill that if you like your partner, you can make it through the not-so-in-love-right-now moments. Vice versa? Eh…not so much.
A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
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Featured image by jose carlos cerdeno martinez/Getty Images