Are You Cheating If You Have A Work Husband?
There are honestly some things that you just can't tell your man that you can tell your work husband.
Your work husband speaks your same language and understands all of your “inside jokes." He drinks coffee with you every morning, knows your birthday, your favorite food, all of your pet peeves, and he is always there when you need to vent. A day doesn't go by that you don't talk and laugh with him about absolutely nothing.
A work husband is a type of office spouse that you work with and share a special work relationship with that can be very similar to the one that you may have with someone that you are intimate with, like with your husband or boyfriend.
When I first heard of the term “work husband" or “work wife" I immediately thought, “Oh hell no! I wish my man would have a work wife!".Now that I have thought more about it, the idea of an office spouse is not bad as long as certain lines are not crossed (okay, I wouldn't be cool with my boyfriend even using the word “wife" when referring to someone else - even if it was just a work wife).
If you are in a relationship, but have a close male friend at work, it is important to keep your relationship with them strictly nonsexual and completely platonic. Although you know in your head you would never cheat on your significant other, you have to keep in mind that the same person that you call your work husband is someone that you spend all day with, take lunch breaks with, and share all of your thoughts, hopes, and dreams with.
Even though you may not see it or admit it, there is some form of intimacy between you two with the type of relationship that you have - but you are just not intimate. Well, not yet.
Just think about it. You are with that work husband all day long. You share a special bond. And what if he is walking around looking like Michael B. Jordan, too? Whew! What are you going to do?
Before your innocent work marriage turns into an affair, utilize the tips below so that you don't break up their happy home or yours.
Don't keep the relationship secret.
If you feel the need to not tell your man about another male friend, then honestly, it looks suspicious. Your man should know about your male friends, and you should know about his. Just think about it and put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if your man had a close female friend at work, but didn't tell you about it? Yeah, I know, all hell would break loose!
Introduce them, but don't make it awkward.
If you have a close relationship with your work husband, then your man should definitely meet him. The meeting should be casual - maybe at a happy hour or at your job's holiday party. When you introduce your work husband to your man, introduce him by using the title that he has in your life. For example, if your significant other is your boyfriend, the introduction should be, “Hey, this is my boyfriend, my honey that I am always telling you about." This will show your man that you are not ashamed to tell the whole world who he is, and what he means to you.
Remember, what happens at home, stays at home.
When you first got together with your man, everything may have been like heaven on Earth, but we all know that things happen, and that heaven doesn't last all day, every day. There will be times when your man upsets you or when you two will go through some things. When this happens, keep these private details of your relationship away from your work husband. Honestly, it isn't his business, and I'm sure your man wouldn't want you crying to another man about him. Would you care if he vented to another woman about you? Yeah, I thought so.
No texting after dark allowed.
I don't know about you, but if my man's phone buzzes late at night, my head switches around so quickly, and I wonder, “Who in the hell has the audacity to text/call him this late at night?" Unless it is an emergency, I always felt people should have more respect for me as his woman and not call or text his phone late at night - especially his female friends.
The same should go for you and your work husband. Although you and he have a special bond, keep the text messaging to a minimum, especially after hours. If there is something that you need to tell him and it is late, let it wait until the next day.
Don't look like a side-line chick.
Personally, I have a few male friends, and most of them are in relationships. When I see their girlfriends or wives, I make sure that I am friendly and I try my best to make her feel comfortable. I never want my friends girlfriends to think that I have something going on with their man.
You should try to do the same with your work husband. Whenever you are around her, make sure you acknowledge her and look at both of them when talking. Even more, find something nice to say about her. Every woman can admit that flattery is the easiest way to a woman's heart, so make sure you tell her how much you've heard about her (and if she has on a nice outfit, it is okay to tell her that too).
What do you think about having work husbands or work wives? Do you have one, and if so, how do you keep the relationship innocent? Let us know below!
Featured image by Getty Images
- Seven signs you have a work spouse - CNN.com ›
- Urban Dictionary: Work Husband ›
- Signs You've Crossed The Line With Your Work Spouse | HuffPost ›
- Your Work Husband: 4 Rules for Keeping the Peace at Work and ... ›
- Why Scientists Think You Should Have a Work Spouse | Inverse ›
- Are you crossing the line with your work spouse? - Chicago Tribune ›
- Subtle signs you have a work spouse - BI ›
Brittani Hunter is a proud PVAMU alumni and the founder of The Mogul Millennial, a business and career platform for Black Millennials. Meet Brittani on Twitter and on the Gram at @BrittaniLHunter and @mogulmillennial.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
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IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
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Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images