No Sex Zone: Why One Couple Is Practicing Celibacy
I've always been fascinated by couples who choose to practice abstinence, even considering it at one point before ultimately giving up the cookie because the temptations levels were mighty high.
I ask a lot of questions, wondering how women and more specifically, men, hold on to the steadfast belief that waiting to engage in sexual activities will make for a longer and healthy marriage. The answers I've received from couples who have held out before marriage range from the tenet that the passion between two people are heightened and strengthened, and a different level of trust is created. Of course, I've heard counter-responses from those who question the longevity of a union when partners are “inexperienced" in the bedroom or don't know how to arouse their partner.
The discourse is one that goes back and forth, with pop-culture references of so-and-so “teaching you" and arguments of learning along the way with someone you love. I understand both ends of the spectrum, while keeping in mind recent conversations of purity, what that looks like, and how it's defined. Bible scriptures are quoted as back-up and opposing ends cite out-of-date ways of thinking for relationships. But to each his own.
After further research on the top, these are some of what people consider the benefits of practicing abstinence before marrying and being down with the “purity industry":
Emotional stability
Low to zero percent chance of contracting a STD
The avoidance of an unexpected pregnancy
“Meaningful" relationship without the emotional turmoil failed, sexual relationships bring
Fully understanding the love v. love debate
More sex (think about how many men say their sex life decreases post-marriage)
There's a great article on MadameNoire from 2013 on one woman's choice to practice abstinence, with her thought process on her decision stemming from looking at celibacy as “a place of self-discovery." She also indicted how celibacy aided in helping her break ties easier with men, brought about a sense of emotional clarity, and kept her away from the BS that comes with being in a committed relationship. Her points were very valid.
But celibacy isn't something practiced by the average Joe and Jane around the way. Tamara Mowry Housley is a celeb who believed and followed it prior to marrying her husband, Adam. The co-host of The Real has openly spoke on losing her virginity at 29, regretting her decision to do so before marriage, and remaining celibate until officially becoming a Mrs. More power to her!
So, I wanted to see if I could find a couple within my age range that is actively practicing celibacy and get their thoughts on falling back and holding out on sex, temptation, and what celibacy will do for them in the long run. I came across Brianna and Paul who shared their thoughts, individually and as a unit, on the subject at hand.
When and why did you make the decision to not have sex before getting married, and how far were you into your relationship before sharing this with your fiancée?
Brianna: I had a close relationship with Christ at a young age and was raised in church. However, during my teenage years I strayed away and wanted to grown up too quick, mainly because of daddy issues. In my heart, I wanted to remain a virgin until marriage. However, I didn't place the necessary actions behind my thoughts to hold virginity in high esteem. I gave into pressure and had sex for the first time in 2009 while in college, even though I had always wanted to remain a virgin until marriage. Shortly thereafter in November 2009, I joined a sexual purity movement called 'Worth the Wait' to have accountability in my decision to remain celibate until marriage. I made the decision to become a Reborn Virgin, or practice abstinence because I did not want my future relationships to be based on the physical and I wanted to honor God in my decision. I knew that he had the best for me, so I really wanted to trust him in this area of my life.
I met my fiancé at church in 2014, so he sort of had an idea of what type of person I was. But he also thought that church girls are the biggest freaks! So I had to show him that I was genuine in my relationship with Christ. But I wasted no time in letting him know that I had been celibate since 2009 and I can't wait to get married to release the beast! [Laughs] It may have come up in a group outing within the first week of us hanging out.
A lot of people assume practicing abstinence doesn't last long, hence short engagements. What helps in your journey in not being intimate sexually?
Brianna: I think not being intimate sexually gives you the ability to ask a lot of questions and really get to know each other. I really feel like I know Paul well and he knows me to the point where I can't hide anything from him. The best decision, which helps to stay away from sex, is to stay in public places and be open and honest about how you're feeling with each other. We definitely know the attraction is there and it will be VERY ENJOYABLE during the proper season once we are married, so we have accountability and do a lot of group outings with our family and friends.
What do you think abstaining from sex before marriage will do for your relationship in the long run?
Brianna: In the long run, I think it helps to develop trust and honor. Because we are practicing self-restraint during this season, I don't have to be worried about extra marital affairs, because we have disciplined ourselves in our foundation. So I can trust that if I'm having a health challenge or we may be away from each other for an extended amount of time, I'm not worried if Paul will be faithful because he has proven himself during dating, as well as our engagement, that he has self-control and restraint.
I don't feel pressured or guilty in our relationship in doing something that is against my morals, so I have a certain respect and honor for Paul for him valuing me enough to wait until marriage. Lastly, it will provide for some great intimacy because we have a lot of it pinned up! [Laughs]
What were your initial thoughts on Brianna's decision to practice sexual abstinence? Did you automatically accept it for what it was or did you have a hard time coming to terms with that?
Paul: Yeah...alright. When we didn't kiss for the first six months, I was like BRUH. But the funny thing was, I could have continued, but Brianna was the one who kissed me! [Laughs] I accepted it because every other relationship was just based on the physical, and I knew I wanted something more.
[Tweet "Every other relationship was just based on the physical, and I knew I wanted more."]
I desired a Godly woman, and if this is what it took to keep her, I was okay with that decision. And I was really able to open up to Brianna in a way that I had never done with any of my other girlfriends, because instead of sex, we talked and talked and talked... and continue to talk.
Have you experienced judgement from those close to you on your decision to abstain?
Paul: My friends didn't believe that I could do it or understand how I'm doing it. I let my friends know that I love Brianna enough to respect her decision and not to tempt her. My family is supportive because they are Christians as well.
Do you ever have those moments of wanting to "give in?"
Paul: OF COURSE! But I think of how it would change the dynamics of our relationship and how much I love and respect Brianna.
Do you worry about not being sexually compatible? Should that be a deal breaker in a relationship?
Brianna: I'm definitely not worried about being sexually compatible. I think communication solves everything. You have to tell someone what you like. I know that Paul is a giver and wants to please me in other areas, so this will definitely not be any issue for him. I also know that if God wants me to wait, it will definitely be worth the wait. He doesn't make any junk and he wants me to have the best in every area, including my sex life. I don't think it should be a deal breaker, because I believe intimacy and fulfillment can be attained through communication.
Paul: No, I already know we're sexually compatible. I can see it in her eyes! It shouldn't be a deal breaker. Communication is key.
Are you practicing celibacy before marriage? Share your story below!
- Celibacy: 12 FAQs About Why, Rules to Follow, Benefits, Risks, More ›
- 'I don't think we'll ever have sex again': our happy, cuddly, celibate ... ›
- 4 Lessons We Learned After Practicing Celibacy For Over 3 Years ... ›
- How Celibacy Strengthens Your Sex Life • EBONY ›
- The Benefits of Choosing Celibacy for a Few Months or More ›
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
Courtesy
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