No Sex Zone: Why One Couple Is Practicing Celibacy
I've always been fascinated by couples who choose to practice abstinence, even considering it at one point before ultimately giving up the cookie because the temptations levels were mighty high.
I ask a lot of questions, wondering how women and more specifically, men, hold on to the steadfast belief that waiting to engage in sexual activities will make for a longer and healthy marriage. The answers I've received from couples who have held out before marriage range from the tenet that the passion between two people are heightened and strengthened, and a different level of trust is created. Of course, I've heard counter-responses from those who question the longevity of a union when partners are “inexperienced" in the bedroom or don't know how to arouse their partner.
The discourse is one that goes back and forth, with pop-culture references of so-and-so “teaching you" and arguments of learning along the way with someone you love. I understand both ends of the spectrum, while keeping in mind recent conversations of purity, what that looks like, and how it's defined. Bible scriptures are quoted as back-up and opposing ends cite out-of-date ways of thinking for relationships. But to each his own.
After further research on the top, these are some of what people consider the benefits of practicing abstinence before marrying and being down with the “purity industry":
Emotional stability
Low to zero percent chance of contracting a STD
The avoidance of an unexpected pregnancy
“Meaningful" relationship without the emotional turmoil failed, sexual relationships bring
Fully understanding the love v. love debate
More sex (think about how many men say their sex life decreases post-marriage)
There's a great article on MadameNoire from 2013 on one woman's choice to practice abstinence, with her thought process on her decision stemming from looking at celibacy as “a place of self-discovery." She also indicted how celibacy aided in helping her break ties easier with men, brought about a sense of emotional clarity, and kept her away from the BS that comes with being in a committed relationship. Her points were very valid.
But celibacy isn't something practiced by the average Joe and Jane around the way. Tamara Mowry Housley is a celeb who believed and followed it prior to marrying her husband, Adam. The co-host of The Real has openly spoke on losing her virginity at 29, regretting her decision to do so before marriage, and remaining celibate until officially becoming a Mrs. More power to her!
So, I wanted to see if I could find a couple within my age range that is actively practicing celibacy and get their thoughts on falling back and holding out on sex, temptation, and what celibacy will do for them in the long run. I came across Brianna and Paul who shared their thoughts, individually and as a unit, on the subject at hand.
When and why did you make the decision to not have sex before getting married, and how far were you into your relationship before sharing this with your fiancée?
Brianna: I had a close relationship with Christ at a young age and was raised in church. However, during my teenage years I strayed away and wanted to grown up too quick, mainly because of daddy issues. In my heart, I wanted to remain a virgin until marriage. However, I didn't place the necessary actions behind my thoughts to hold virginity in high esteem. I gave into pressure and had sex for the first time in 2009 while in college, even though I had always wanted to remain a virgin until marriage. Shortly thereafter in November 2009, I joined a sexual purity movement called 'Worth the Wait' to have accountability in my decision to remain celibate until marriage. I made the decision to become a Reborn Virgin, or practice abstinence because I did not want my future relationships to be based on the physical and I wanted to honor God in my decision. I knew that he had the best for me, so I really wanted to trust him in this area of my life.
I met my fiancé at church in 2014, so he sort of had an idea of what type of person I was. But he also thought that church girls are the biggest freaks! So I had to show him that I was genuine in my relationship with Christ. But I wasted no time in letting him know that I had been celibate since 2009 and I can't wait to get married to release the beast! [Laughs] It may have come up in a group outing within the first week of us hanging out.
A lot of people assume practicing abstinence doesn't last long, hence short engagements. What helps in your journey in not being intimate sexually?
Brianna: I think not being intimate sexually gives you the ability to ask a lot of questions and really get to know each other. I really feel like I know Paul well and he knows me to the point where I can't hide anything from him. The best decision, which helps to stay away from sex, is to stay in public places and be open and honest about how you're feeling with each other. We definitely know the attraction is there and it will be VERY ENJOYABLE during the proper season once we are married, so we have accountability and do a lot of group outings with our family and friends.
What do you think abstaining from sex before marriage will do for your relationship in the long run?
Brianna: In the long run, I think it helps to develop trust and honor. Because we are practicing self-restraint during this season, I don't have to be worried about extra marital affairs, because we have disciplined ourselves in our foundation. So I can trust that if I'm having a health challenge or we may be away from each other for an extended amount of time, I'm not worried if Paul will be faithful because he has proven himself during dating, as well as our engagement, that he has self-control and restraint.
I don't feel pressured or guilty in our relationship in doing something that is against my morals, so I have a certain respect and honor for Paul for him valuing me enough to wait until marriage. Lastly, it will provide for some great intimacy because we have a lot of it pinned up! [Laughs]
What were your initial thoughts on Brianna's decision to practice sexual abstinence? Did you automatically accept it for what it was or did you have a hard time coming to terms with that?
Paul: Yeah...alright. When we didn't kiss for the first six months, I was like BRUH. But the funny thing was, I could have continued, but Brianna was the one who kissed me! [Laughs] I accepted it because every other relationship was just based on the physical, and I knew I wanted something more.
[Tweet "Every other relationship was just based on the physical, and I knew I wanted more."]
I desired a Godly woman, and if this is what it took to keep her, I was okay with that decision. And I was really able to open up to Brianna in a way that I had never done with any of my other girlfriends, because instead of sex, we talked and talked and talked... and continue to talk.
Have you experienced judgement from those close to you on your decision to abstain?
Paul: My friends didn't believe that I could do it or understand how I'm doing it. I let my friends know that I love Brianna enough to respect her decision and not to tempt her. My family is supportive because they are Christians as well.
Do you ever have those moments of wanting to "give in?"
Paul: OF COURSE! But I think of how it would change the dynamics of our relationship and how much I love and respect Brianna.
Do you worry about not being sexually compatible? Should that be a deal breaker in a relationship?
Brianna: I'm definitely not worried about being sexually compatible. I think communication solves everything. You have to tell someone what you like. I know that Paul is a giver and wants to please me in other areas, so this will definitely not be any issue for him. I also know that if God wants me to wait, it will definitely be worth the wait. He doesn't make any junk and he wants me to have the best in every area, including my sex life. I don't think it should be a deal breaker, because I believe intimacy and fulfillment can be attained through communication.
Paul: No, I already know we're sexually compatible. I can see it in her eyes! It shouldn't be a deal breaker. Communication is key.
Are you practicing celibacy before marriage? Share your story below!
- Celibacy: 12 FAQs About Why, Rules to Follow, Benefits, Risks, More ›
- 'I don't think we'll ever have sex again': our happy, cuddly, celibate ... ›
- 4 Lessons We Learned After Practicing Celibacy For Over 3 Years ... ›
- How Celibacy Strengthens Your Sex Life • EBONY ›
- The Benefits of Choosing Celibacy for a Few Months or More ›
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Growing up in Brooklyn, New York, Caribbean culture has always been all around me, from the food to the dancehall and soca music to traditions carried out by all of the Caribbean people living in the city. As a youngin, I loved attending the West Indian Day Parade every September because the floats, steel drums, extravagant feathers, and upbeat music made me feel free and gave me a deeper appreciation for the culture.
As I got older, I learned that the yearly Carnivals happening across the Caribbean put NYC’s little festivities to shame. Traveling to the islands themselves and experiencing the people and culture first-hand really gives you a deeper understanding and appreciation for Caribbean culture.
The history of Carnival celebrations in the Caribbean can be traced back to enslaved people who were forbidden from participating in the Pre-Lenten celebrations and thus created their own celebrations and traditions, which over time developed into celebrations of freedom and rebellion. Each country in the Caribbean has its own unique history of celebrations, as well as its own Carnival traditions that set it apart from other festivities.
What started as a Pre-Lenten celebration is now celebrated during a range of months throughout the year and now attracts hundreds of people from all over the world. Here are six carnivals that you should go to this year to experience this culture for yourself.
Crop Over - Barbados Carnival
Crop Over Dates: July 31, 2024 - August 6, 2024
What better place to celebrate carnival than the home of our Bajan Queen Rihanna? While some festivities start as early as May, the official festival season in Barbados starts in July and ends in early August. Crop Over originally started as a way for plantation workers to celebrate the end of the sugarcane harvest season and has now evolved into a much larger celebration. Crop Over is a blend of both old and new traditions, such as the Ceremonial Delivery of the Last Canes, and Cohobblopot, where bands show off their beautiful costumes and play soca and calypso music.
All of the week's festivities culminate with the Grand Kadooment, Crop Over’s big parade featuring all of the bands and droves of people taking to the streets in their beautiful costumes and dancing to the local music.
Other things to do: Visit Hunte’s Garden in Joseph’s Parish and find peace in the picturesque garden while spotting an array of different birds and animals. If you’re looking for beach relaxation, spend a day at Carlisle Bay, the perfect beach for swimming, taking in some sun, and a possible turtle sighting.
Saint Thomas Carnival
Saint Thomas Carnival Dates: April 28, 2024 - May 5, 2024
No passport? That won’t be a problem for U.S. travelers looking to get in on the carnival experience. Saint Thomas, one of the three U.S. Virgin Islands, is known for its crystal clear beaches, scuba diving scene, and overall vibrant culture. The island celebrates its carnival in late April and features a dynamic lineup of events including colorful adult and kiddie parades, calypso competitions, and street parties. Virgin Islanders are known to love to party, so make sure to fill up before the festivities with some local favorites like johnny cakes, callaloo, and conch fritters.
With its rich cultural heritage and lively atmosphere, this is a carnival experience perfect for a first-timer who wants to ease their way into the lifestyle.
Other things to do: Visit one of Saint Thomas’ many turquoise blue beaches such as Coki, Magens Bay, Brewers Bay, or Lindquist Beach. Coki Beach is perfect if you're looking for a more lively experience and want to snorkel without swimming far out, and Brewers Bay is best known for the sea turtles that you can see from the sand. You can also take a short ferry over to Saint John, another of the Virgin Islands, and spend a day at Lime Out, a floating taco and margarita bar.
Spicemas - Grenada Carnival
Courtesy of Grenada Tourism Authority
Spicemas Dates: August 7, 2024 - August 14, 2024
Grenada, also known as the Spice Isle due to its production of a variety of spices, has one of the most anticipated carnivals every year. During Spicemas, revelers hit the streets for lively music, paint, oil, dancing, and good times. One of the most important aspects of Spicemas is Jab Jab, a celebration that involves covering one's body in black oil or paint. This tradition started as a post-emancipation masquerade, in which former enslaved Africans would paint themselves black emulating a “Jab” derived from the French word diable, which means devil.
This was a way of mocking their former masters and also represented rebellion and freedom. Since then, the tradition has evolved into a staple of Carnival on J’ouvert morning, a celebration of freedom, and undoubtedly an element that makes Grenada stand out from other Carnivals across the diaspora. Outside of J’ouvert, Spicemas is a beautiful culmination of colorful and vibrant costumes, steel band competitions, delicious rum, and music that you’ll dance to all night.
Grenada is celebrating 50 years of independence this year, so just know that Spicemas is going to be extra special!
Other things to do: For the ocean lovers, the Molinere Bay Underwater Sculpture Park is a must-see attraction. It is the world's first underwater sculpture park and a popular excursion for folks visiting the island. This year, five new installations are being added to the park, which can all be viewed through snorkeling, diving, or a glass bottom boat ride.
Antigua Carnival
Antigua Carnival Dates: July 31, 2024 - August 7, 2024
Every August, carnival lovers flock to the beautiful island of Antigua for its annual carnival festival. First celebrated in 1957, Antigua’s Carnival started as a celebration of emancipation from slavery and has since expanded into a dynamic showcase of local talent, music, and cultural pride. Some events to look forward to are the Party Monarch and Calypso Monarch competitions, as well as the Caribbean Queen’s Competition.
Antigua Carnival is an almost two-week extravaganza that leads into J’ouvert on Carnival Monday and the main parade on Carnival Tuesday. If you love good music, vibrant costumes, and delicious food, this is the carnival for you.
Other things to do: Take a trip to Shirley Heights Lookout for live music and breathtaking panoramic views of the coastline and ocean. And with 365 beaches in total, you’d be missing out if you didn’t fit in a few on your itinerary.
Bermuda Carnival
Bermuda Carnival Dates: June 12, 2024 - June 17, 2024
Also known as Heroes Weekend, Bermuda Carnival may be smaller than some of the other carnivals, but is still a great time. Bermuda is one of the newer carnivals, originating in 2015. Celebrated in June, this long weekend of festivities draws inspiration from other popular carnivals while also highlighting elements of Bermudian culture. You can expect some similar elements as other countries such as daily fetes, soca music, and a parade filled with different bands and extravagant costumes.
They also celebrate Bermuda’s National Heroes during carnival with a national feast. Bermudians have immense pride in their country and culture, and their carnival is the biggest celebration of the year that you don’t want to miss.
Other things to do: Take a day trip to Crystal and Fantasy Caves, beautiful caves formed over millions of years that you can take tours of. Spend a few hours taking in these beautiful natural wonders and seeing some of the formations and underground pools.
Saint Lucia Carnival
Saint Lucia Carnival Dates: July 10, 2024 - July 17, 2024
Home to some of the most beautiful mountains and beaches in the Caribbean, Saint Lucia has the perfect backdrop for an unforgettable carnival experience. Saint Lucia Carnival didn’t take flight until the late 1940s but has grown into a favorite for both novice and seasoned masqueraders. Formerly held in February, this carnival now kicks off in July which allows it not to compete with the highly revered Trinidadian carnival that also happens at that time. Saint Lucia’s Carnival has grown in popularity over the years because of the lively music, delicious food, and turned-up fetes.
One of the highlights is the Parade of the Bands, where masqueraders adorned in elaborate costumes dance through the streets to the rhythms of soca, calypso, and steelpan music. The best way to prepare for the Saint Lucia Carnival is to stay hydrated and well-fed so that you can thoroughly enjoy the plethora of events and parties happening from early morning to nightfall.
Other things to do:The Pitons, Gros Piton and Petit Piton are a UNESCO World Heritage Site and one of the main attractions in Saint Lucia. Take a hike of Gros Piton or just marvel at its natural beauty. If you're there on a Friday night, stop by the weekly Gros Islet Street Party, which is filled with music, drinks, and local food.
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Featured image courtesy of Grenada Tourism Authority