The Reality Of Loving Someone With A Mental Illness
My fiancé and I have been together for over 12 years, engaged for two. Together, we have five beautiful children, and each of us have one child from a previous relationship, bringing our total to seven, six of whom reside with us. We've been through a lot emotionally and financially, but through it all, my love for him has never wavered, and has only grown. Despite the amount of love I share with him, loving him can be very hard at times.
Sometimes loving him is so hard, that I literally want to give up on all that we've built, but then I'm reminded of my need to be compassionate. You see, my fiancé suffers from chronic pain, chronic depression, and an anxiety disorder. He was recently diagnosed with all three, and I don't think I ever realized until then how much he was hurting inside. Though we have plenty of good periods, his illnesses often add an unmeasurable amount of strain to our relationship. When his symptoms are exacerbated, I am his emotional punching bag, and to be honest, it hurts!
A lot.
I don't think a lot of people understand how it feels to hurt almost all the time. I'm not fully aware of how he feels either, but watching the man you love in pain hurts as well, and so I do my best to be compassionate. There is a stigma within the black community, specifically among black males, when it comes to mental illness. Black men are taught at a young age that they must be “hard" and that they shouldn't cry, because crying is seen as a sign of weakness. Young black boys learn at an early age to internalize their feelings, and it often affects their relationships when they are adults.
My fiancé is the prime example of a black man who suffered more than he should have in his youth, and is now dealing with the repercussions as an adult.
His "breakdowns" often come on quickly, but I know him so well that I can often predict when his mood is about to change. It's similar to a cell phone battery. When he's fully charged, he's the funny, loving and energetic man that I'm deeply in love with. These are the times when our relationship is ideal, and during these peak periods I try to do all I can to keep his spirits high. Inside, I'm aware of the reality that the good energy will eventually drain completely, and once he reaches lo-cell, the depression and anxiety will take over again.
This is when he becomes the person I don't like. During these times, he's mean, inconsiderate with his words, easily rattled (due to the anxiety), and just unappealing person to be around. I think the real him, inside realizes how he's behaving, however, because during these times he does his best to keep to himself. This is extremely difficult to do in a household of eight though, and this is the time when I feel like I've lost my best friend.
Our children probably notice more than I give them credit for. I'm positive they know how much their daddy loves them, but I know they can tell when something is not quite right with him. Children will be children, and it's very easy for them to irritate him when he's dealing with the symptoms of his disease. Typically, he'll go out of the house to be by himself for a while during these time, however, as I mentioned earlier, I'm the one he takes it out on the most verbally and emotionally. And I think I'd rather it be that way, opposed to him taking his frustrations out on the kids. As far as I'm concerned, I'm built for this, at least this is what I tell myself. The truth is, it is often difficult for me to bear the jabs thrown emotionally, when I don't fully understand the underlying issues which make him this way.
I do know his upbringing was very troubled, and drastically different than my own. I am aware that every family has their share of issues, but I sincerely believe he's gotten the short end of the stick handed to him throughout his entire childhood. He's suffered an immense amount of loss, desertion, and negativity which continues into the present. His ability to persevere and find it within himself to continue to love and be loved is what I find to be most admirable about his situation, and this is why I will never give up on him.
Ultimately, I believe the forces that be joined us together for a reason. I think I was put in his life to provide the loyalty and love he rarely received in his earlier life. He knows I have his back and I always will. I don't judge him, and I wouldn't trade him for any other man. The truth is, it breaks my heart to see him go through the symptoms of depression and suffer from sporadic anxiety attacks and mood swings. It hurts, because I can see his strengths, and I also see how his illness hinders him from reaching his full potential.
Yes, loving him is hard some of the time, but it is easy most of the time. I'm connected to this man within my spirit, and this is why I continue to hold him down.
This has all been a learning experience for me, and there are several things I've learned along the way which I believe is crucial to our ability to remain together.
I had to learn to not take his antics personally.
I understand that I am not the cause of his frustration and there may not be an actual cause. I know he loves me, and would not do anything deliberately to hurt me, so me learning not to take it personally and reacting defensively helps a lot.
I've learned patience.
I accept that there will be times where it will be difficult, but I agreed to marry this man for a reason, and so I'm committed to making it work. So many would have called it quits, but I think being selfless and not selfish plays an essential role in my ability to remain during the bad times.
I've learned to be quiet.
In the beginning, I used to try to force him to tell me what was wrong with him. The fact that he wouldn't always have an answer would anger me, so I would pester him about it. This would only further aggravate the situation, and result in both of us saying things we didn't mean. As I mentioned previously, I've learned there isn't always an obvious reason why he feels the way he does. My ability to be quiet, and listen to him when he is ready to talk, has been critical in the progress we've made as a couple, and in my peace of mind.
I give him his space.
Earlier in our relationship, I was very insecure with myself. When he would say “I need some time to myself, I'm going to my dad's for the weekend", I would automatically assume he was going to be with another woman. Only through maturity have I been able to understand that giving him his space is necessary for him to work his feelings out, and heal. It has nothing to do with him being “tired of me", nor it is another women. It has to do with him needing time alone to recover. This time also helps me, because it gives me time to regain positive mental, emotional and spiritual energy.
I do some soul-searching.
I had to take time and evaluate whether he was worthy of my patience, time, trust and love. Once I made the determination that he is, it was all that was needed for me to accept the fact that this is the man I've been given, and our love is stronger than his- illness. I believe making a constant effort to help him heal will eventually result in these episodes occurring less frequently, until they rarely happen at all.
Unconditional love, is in my opinion one of the most essential forms of therapy.
And this is why we preserve.
I wrote this to encourage those in similar situations. It takes special people to deal with loved ones with mental illness, and I truly understand your struggles. I implore you to be faithful and mindful of who the individual truly is, instead of focusing on who they can become. Encourage your loved one to seek professional help, if they haven't already. Counseling works, whether on an individual or family-centered basis, and it is nothing to be ashamed of.
Finally, I sincerely believe it's time that we begin the discussion at a national level on the subject of mental illness. I don't know why it is so difficult within the black community to accept the fact that mental illness affects us as well, but it is critical we work toward ridding the stigmas associated with mental illness, in an effort to cease the destructive cycle plaguing black men and women, and promote healing in our communities.
Originally published December 20, 2017
If you or someone you love is struggling with dark or suicidal thoughts, have them call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8253. For more information about how to love someone with a mental illness, check out this resource on NAMI.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Do You Want To Be A Wife? Or Do You Just Want To Have A Wedding?
Even though it’s my life, sometimes I look at it and totally trip out over certain things.
For instance, even though I am aware that both Hebrew and African cultures put a lot of stock in the name of a child (because they believe it speaks to their purpose; so do I) and I know that my name is pretty much Hebrew for divine covenant, it’s still wild that in a couple of years, I will have been working with married couples for a whopping two decades — and boy, is it an honor when they will say something like, “Shellie, we’ve seen [professionally] multiple people and no one has been nearly as effective as you have been.”
Yep, me. Little ole’ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, y’all better quit letting people tell you what you’re called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe I’ve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is — “You better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big ‘ole party for all of the work that you’re about to do.” And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, “And you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.”
Why do I emphasize that point so much? It’s because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think it’s important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife — or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
It’s Time to Stop “Living for the Fairy Tale”
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that I’ve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan “A diamond is forever” and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, I’ll just let you read Insider’s “Here's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,” if you’re interested.
And as far as marriage goes, don’t even get me started on the whole “I’m living for the fairy tale” narrative that gets pushed incessantly. I’ve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means “a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures” and “an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.” Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, what’s up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric that’s so popular and also, so… “silly” is the first word that comes to mind, “unrealistic” is the second and “unnecessary” is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom — all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldn’t afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it — even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your “why”?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) — WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, “When you find your ‘why’, you will find a way to make it happen.” And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there aren’t enough “why” questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying “why” you want a huge wedding is nothing more than “because I want to” or “why” you chose the man that you did is simply “I love him” — I’ve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply aren’t good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thing…not by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I’m good for throwing some Scripture in; it’s a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word that’s used to define it in the Bible is “helpmate” (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual — in this case, a husband.
While we’re here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and it’s good. Lawd, I can’t tell you how many wife clients I’ve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does “good help” look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into “Am I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?”
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that I’m not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the “princess treatment.” Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Fathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queen” — and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.”
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. It’s not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do — and it’s not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Y’all, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, I’ll just end this part of the article with, “If you’re not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, you’re not ready to be a wife.” Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (I’m writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people don’t have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when you’re dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person you’re seeing keeps their word — and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying “I do.” And while we’re here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly don’t see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it — to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way — down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a “trick” that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldn’t feel like they are falling for someone when they’re able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big ole’ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watchUnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isn’t even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you don’t want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you don’t want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you don’t want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you don’t want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you don’t want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual — marriage isn’t for you.
You’d be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I don’t mean marry yourself; you are already “one” with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce because…divorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union — yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. It’s not a party. It’s a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Don’t Get Married Until You’re Sure That You Want…BOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I don’t immediately respond with, “Congrats! That’s awesome.” NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, “For real. Why?” WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, “What do you mean ‘why’?” and then follow that up with, “Because I’m in love” or…they don’t really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesn’t really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT — Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think you’ve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because you’re both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, that’s not asking enough. I don’t care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I don’t care how much divorce has been normalized. I don’t care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (it’s not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (it’s not) — marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just said…not simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, that’s a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: it’s because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for — not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
____
This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; you’ll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: “When it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesn’t excite you more than being a bride — wait. You’re not ready yet.”
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
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