5 Men and Women Reflect On Their "First Time"
I remember my first time ever having sex like it was yesterday – all three minutes of it.
I braced myself in preparation for how painful articles led me to believe it'd be, but was pleasantly surprised that aside from the first stroke, his focus on my clit made my first time only mildly uncomfortable. And several strokes less than I thought it would be. I was 17, a few months shy of 18. We were at his mother's house one Tuesday afternoon. He loved cars and was working on the two he owned outside in his yard, the bass of loud rap music blaring. I guess it was in an effort to make us discreet despite how contradictory it all seems in retrospect.
I was the kind of nervous where it was largely in part due to the unknown, and about 47% was confidence with an “I'm ready" air. I loved him before I knew I did (he'd later become my first long-term relationship). He was a junior, tall, light skin with this beautiful smile, and he had this ponytail at the exact right time I had a thing for long hair. Everything about our chemistry and connection was effortless and I felt safe with him. I never saw losing my virginity as a special awakening moment or rite of passage as most people prophesized it to be. It was just sex to me although with some love added to the mix, it grew to be much more than that. I wondered though if I was the only one whose first time wasn't all that the sitcoms prophesied or, if on the flipside, it was everything that rom-coms suggested prom night first time love-making sessions to be.
I decided to ask five people about their cherry poppin' first time experiences.
Lauren
I was a junior in high school and had been with my on-and-off again high school sweetheart. He was extremely respectful of me and my body. I always felt safe and protected with him. We had a couple close encounters before – making out then eventually into oral sex – but I told him I refused to lose my virginity in the back of a car so it was what it was. The week of Valentine's Day, it was clear from our body chemistry that we weren't going to be able to put it off much longer so that weekend, we went shopping and eventually went over to one of his really good friend's house for a couple's movie night. His friend's family had a theater in the basement with an attached guest bedroom so that was the scene of the magic. When we finally went in the room, I wasn't nervous but I was afraid from our most recent attempt that my first time might hurt. I took control, got on top, and eased my way down. He was very gentle with me, making sure I was okay, until I no longer wanted him to be gentle.
The soundtrack was whatever movie was playing. But in my mind, the song that I knew I would lose my virginity to was "Take It Off (Dim the Lights)" by Pharrell, an album that I was absolutely obsessed with at the time, so that's what I fantasized about while we were doing it. When it was over, I was expecting the world and the universe to shift, but I pretty much felt the same as I had always felt, just normal. I was excited to share with my friends that I had finally been initiated as a woman but even then, I don't think I said anything until weeks later. I felt just as close to my boyfriend then as I had always been, and although I knew that he wouldn't be my husband or anything, I was and am still, very happy to have given my virginity to him.
Jane
My earliest sexual memory was when I was 8, I was young (laughs). I think my classmate wanted me to touch his penis in exchange for some candy. I was like, I wanted some candy, he has some candy, so I'll touch his penis. Even when I was young, I remember dry humping with people. I can't remember my first taste of sex, but I remember I was really young. I lost my virginity when I was 19. I don't know how to word this, but this person was the first man I ever felt comfortable with outside of the males in my family. At this point we weren't even quote unquote together, we were just friends. I developed really strong feelings for him and vice versa. I was really comfortable with him, he was just different. He didn't make me feel like I had to be guarded, or scared, or nervous. I was just really comfortable which is probably why that came about. Because of previous trauma, I had a detachment to sex.
I felt like sex made girls damaged. I had a misogynist view of a woman being touched sexually and that making her “destroyed."
I thought sex was taboo and a thing people did to be nasty. That was all prior to him though. I wasn't afraid to lose my virginity. I was ready. I hadn't heard a lot of horror stories. The people I had known who had lost it had really exciting, thrilling stories about it. I would always hear, “You know when you're ready". I remember it hurting. I remember overthinking it, like what if he doesn't like me after this? What if it's not good? Physically, it hurt at first, but it was like a welcoming pain, like (sighs), I can deal with this pain. We were in my dorm room. My roommate was gone. I was wearing a t-shirt and shorts. I remember the music was on. I think my feelings at that point were invalidated through him. I hadn't completely let go of the “sex destroys women" perspective I had, but he invalidated those beliefs because he made me feel so pretty afterwards. He didn't dog me out. He didn't leave. I had this feeling of immense reassurance from him. I don't have any regrets, but I kind of wish I wasn't as grossed out by sex as long as I was.
Shauna
I was 18 when I lost my virginity. I was with the guy for two years at the time. We went to the same high school together, but he was a grade ahead of me. I was under the impression that I was in love and that we would last forever. Now that I think about it, he had been making me feel a little guilty about not doing it. We broke up the summer before and I met some people and did some things, obviously not the big thing, but I did some things. We reconciled shortly after. I don't think there was anything special about him other than the time and energy I felt I put in the relationship for the two years it had been a thing. I was obsessed with sex, obsessed with it, and really wanted to do it but I was picky and wasn't about to do it all willy nilly. I was afraid though. I knew what to expect but it was happening and it was my first experience so there was some fear and apprehension there.
I'm looking back it like, “Damn Shauna" (laughs). I kinda just went for it one day. It was on the floor of my dorm room, freshman year of college, first semester (laughs). It just happened. One thing escalated after the other, and I was just like eff it. I was feeling like, Am I doing this right? Is everything alright body-wise? I was really confident body-wise. Like goddamn, I was hot as shit back then and I look back and feel like I wasted my time with this fake ass Mexican. Afterwards, it wasn't like a shellshock but It was like, so I just did it, okay. It was alright. Honestly, my first time wasn't that great. When I look back, he wasn't that great. It hurt. He made me fried chicken and mac n cheese afterwards. But damn, if I knew then what I know now, I would have ruled college life.
Jason
I was 17 and it was right before my senior year. She was the most significant woman I've ever had in my life. I was a guy and a senior in high school and at that point I was the only person in my group of friends that hadn't lost it, but I wasn't about to give it to just anybody. At the time, the girl I was with was the most important person in my life and honestly, I took her virginity as well so it was kind of a mutual thing. She made me feel like I was the greatest man on earth which is part of the reason why I have the ego that I have now (laughs). I feel like the first time with anybody is really awkward, especially for us because it was both of our first time. It hurt for her and she bled a little bit. I don't feel like my first time is worth remembering other than the fact that it was my first time (laughs) that's the only reason the story is memorable.
I lost it at four in the morning in the computer room of my grandfather's house.
I was really eager to do it, but I wasn't eager to throw it away. The furthest I'd gone before her was a semi handjob so I was very sacred about what I had. From an ego perspective afterwards, I felt free. I felt like a weight was lifted. I didn't even have to tell people, they just knew. It was in my demeanor, the way I talked, how I carried myself. They knew something happened to me. My uncles asked me, “Did you lose your virginity? Did you wear a hat?" There was this coded language (laughs). But sex didn't make me look at her any differently. I didn't love her any more, I didn't love her any less. It was something to get out of the way to focus more on the relationship. The act of sex was just something we were ready to be like okay, we've done it already. After losing it, I was eager to do it more though and do it better (laughs).
Dexter
I was 16 and at my buddy's house – he was a really great friend of mine – all of us were pretty close because we grew up together. There was me, my friends, my buddy's parents, her, and her mom in the house. She asked me to come in her room. She was my childhood sweetheart so we always had a thing. We were talking, joking around. Being kids, one thing led to another, we started having sex, and it was the scariest thing I've ever done in my life. Her mother's bedroom was four feet away from where we were and my buddy's parents' room was the wall that separated us in that her room.
It was really awkward because in the background all I heard was this fighting game so it was a whole bunch of males moaning the entire time (laughs). I was distracted, but still really into it because she was so beautiful to me. The next morning, she moved to California so that was awful. I thought it was overrated. When we had sex, I was like, oh okay. I never really felt this intense pressure to have sex because none of my friends were really having sex like that except for my homeboy that had started in the eighth grade. There was way too much foreplay, like way too much foreplay. We were both scared because we didn't have a condom. We had sex for like fifteen minutes and stopped because we didn't want her to get pregnant at 16 so the foreplay started back up. Like a couple of weeks after, I wanted a new experience to really experience what sex is like in a more comfortable setting so I lost my virginity and shortly after, that became my hoe phase (laughs). Sex was incredible.
Do you remember your first time? Share your story below!
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Think Homeownership Is Out Of Reach? Here's The Starter Guide To Buying A House
When it comes to homeownership, many of us might be holding some preconceived notions as well as valid fears that it's just out of reach. From the unstable housing market to rising prices, to challenges with employment and other financial factors, it might seem that owning a home was something only our grandmothers or mothers could enjoy. But all hope is not lost.
In fact, research points to Black women being the leaders behind a boost in homeownership in the past few years, and even during the pandemic, we continued on our plight to leaving renting for ownership.
If you've had some doubts or don't know where to start, here's a quick guide for prepping to make your homeownership dreams a reality:
1. Get your mind right.
A 2022 Bank of America survey found that while 48% of Black women "feel confident about their finances," only 28% actually "feel empowered to take action" fueled by this confidence.
This first step is often overlooked, but oftentimes, when we're starting any new journey, especially one that involves a big change both physically (i.e. moving to a whole new environment) and financially, you'll need to set your mind on positive thoughts, confidence, and boldness. You have to know that you can indeed be a homeowner, that you deserve the desires of your heart, and that you are more than capable of navigating the process.
With high rates of student loan debt, rental income disparities, and a lot of the home responsibilities falling on us, among other challenges, it can indeed seem like a tough feat to go the homeownership route, but it is certainly doable with the right mindset, strategy, and support.
Lean into affirmations, prayer, therapy, coaching, and real-life inspiration to clear your mind of doubts and fears and use that energy to progress toward your dream home purchase. Open your mind to all the options, resources, and programs that are afforded to you and the alternative ways to reach your goals.
2. Get real about your finances.
Many experts agree on this second step, as you'll need to know where you are financially in order to be sure of what type of house you want, where you want to live, and whether you can afford the mortgage. Usually, this includes having (or creating) a budget and getting to know your expenses versus your take-home pay. If you don't already have a budget, create one and start to really get focused on knowing exactly what money's coming in and what's going out.
Also, getting into a savings routine and looking into investing, even if it's as simple as signing up for your 401K with your job, opening a retirement account on your own via companies like Fidelity or JP Morgan, or starting brokerage accounts with platforms like Charles Schwab or Robinhood. This will allow you to get into the habit of building wealth and having multiple sources to tap into in terms of financial assets.
3. Stop counting yourself out due to reasons like "bad credit" or low income.
If you need assistance with budgeting or learning more about money management, there are free resources out there (try here or here). You can also tap into local resources like nonprofits, financial advisers, or the professionals you bank with, especially if it's a credit union.
There are also resources for strategizing how to improve your credit, boost your income, and develop better financial fitness habits, so tap into those as well. You can do this! Sit down, write out your goals, work with a coach, and start one small step at a time.
Bad credit and other financial challenges don't necessarily bar you from achieving your dreams of owning a home. Look into rent-to-own options or financiers who offer home loans to people with credit under 620. There are also federal lenders that are ideal for those with low or no credit.
Go into your current bank and get to know your options so that you'll know what's actually available to you and what's possible beyond the fears or negative self-talk. Take a free class via the National Urban League or other local resources through a quick Google search. You'd be surprised what options are out there when you simply make a few appointments, do a bit of research, network, and ask.
4. Figure out your plan for your first payment and the right mortgage fit.
A down payment is often required (or at least encouraged) when you're buying a home, so once you've gotten clear on your financial status, what type of house you want, where, and how much you can afford based on your income, think about how you'll save up (or pay) the first payment for the investment.
Twenty percent of the total cost of the home has often been mentioned as a place to start, but experts say you don't necessarily have to have that much. However, be aware that when you put down less than that, you'll have to get mortgage insurance, and it will likely add to your monthly mortgage payment, so keep that in mind. There are assistance programs on the state and federal levels that can help you navigate this and even assist with the cost, especially if you're a first-time homebuyer. (Start here for more great information on this.)
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When it comes to your dream home and consideration of a mortgage, think outside the box. Your dream home might be a $500,000 ranch-style home in a major metro area but if that's going to have you living above your means or struggling to pay the down payment and monthly mortgage in tough times, considering an adjacent city or county in the same state or the same type of house in an area that's more up-and-coming.
There are also different types of mortgages that might be a good fit for you based on various factors. For example, conventional loans offer low minimum down payments but have more stringent qualifications, while FHA loans are mortgages backed by the Federal Housing Administration and are generally easier to qualify for but have stricter requirements related to mortgage insurance. (You can research more information on types of loans and how to qualify here and here.)
5. Start the pre-approval process and ask lots of questions before agreeing to a loan.
You'll also need to get pre-approved, so once you've found the right type of loan, do your research on who to partner with on your mortgage. Be sure, for example, that if you're going for an FHA loan, the loan provider is FHA-approved. According to NerdWallet, prospective home buyers should consider how a lender’s sample rates compare with today's mortgage rates, determine the closing costs, and "compare mortgage origination fees.” Become super-aware of the terms and timing for the loans and how these might change over time or in the future. Ask lots of questions or get help via a reputable consultant or coach.
Preapproval is necessary for getting the "real numbers," because lenders have access to detailed information about your finances. The process will include a hard credit inquiry, which shows up on your credit report, however, when you apply with multiple lenders around the same time, according to Bankrate, it only counts as one hard pull. This is because credit scoring models "take mortgage rate-shopping into account" and "group multiple inquiries together" if the credit checks all happen within a 45-day period. You'll need documents including W2s, pay stubs, and others (listed here.)
You can use the pre-approved lender at the end of the process, once you're ready to buy, or you can use a new one if, by the end of the process, you've found a better deal.
6. Research and vet your real estate agent before contracting with them.
Experts recommend interviewing multiple buyer's agents to be sure you're getting someone with your best interests at heart. Ask family, friends, and coworkers for referrals, look at the agent's online reviews, and be sure they're licensed in your state. Check out their Zillow or other professional profiles online and look at their track record. Ask them questions like "How long have you been in business," "How well do you know the area," and "How will you be corresponding with me, and how often?" (Here's a full list of interview questions for getting started.)
There’s a difference between a buyer’s agent, who represents a homebuyer in a real estate transaction, and a seller’s or listing agent, who is responsible for looking out for the seller, including pricing and marketing the home. Many agents do both, but some specialize in one or the other. Some states don’t allow dual agency, and it can there are some risks associated with that. There are referral agents who provide leads to other agents for a fee.
7. When shopping around, take your time and don't make hasty decisions.
Work with your real estate agent to view properties and think along the lines of making a long-term investment. You'll more than likely be living in the house for quite some time (even if you plan to sell and move on later) so you'll want to have some forethought on your why and how you'd like to live in the long term. Think about the community, how you'll live in the home, and what will best suit your long-term needs.
Real estate agents also recommend looking for red flags when viewing a home like poor tiling, evidence of leaks, or covering of flaws (such as "strong perfumes" or gaps in tile, for example). Be aware of potential issues like bodies of water nearby (possibility of flooding) or paint bubbling around windows (possible problems with ventilation). They also recommend looking past the aesthetics, lifting carpets, or asking about recent property maintenance.
While this guide is simply a snapshot to get you started, allow it to encourage you to go boldly for your dreams of homeownership with confidence and a plan. Be sure to utilize all resources afforded to you, do your research, and walk proudly into your next elevation to owning the home of your dreams.
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