Moving Overseas Helped Me Pay Off Over $200K In American Debt
I moved abroad. And never in a million years did I think that would be a possibility for me.
I started working at age 14. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to. There were lots of single-parent homes in my neighborhood, and my family was no exception. We knew all too well about food stamps or having the lights cut off because there just wasn't enough money to go around. So, from a young age, I knew that if I wanted certain things in life I was going to have to work for them, so I did.
Struggling Is Not Living
The same was true for college. I knew that if I wanted a good education, I'd be forced to take out loans, so I did. What I was left with, besides a few degrees, was a mountain of debt that only grew as I attempted to have the American Dream, own my own home, and break the cycle of poverty. Pretty soon, all I did was work to live. Just about every cent I had went towards paying off debt or towards some living expense. And to be honest, I didn't really live modestly.
I drove a new car. I bought clothes I didn't need. I had a brand new flat screen TV and a well-furnished condo that I had just purchased, despite being in debt. I hadn't yet learned that although you could buy property with little to no money down that it wasn't a great idea. These were the things I thought were essential or that I had to have to be happy. These were the things I didn't have growing up so I thought they were necessary to tell everyone I had arrived. But really, the thing I loved to do most and that made me the happiest, travel, was either put on the backburner or scaled back dramatically.
Eat, sleep, work, pay bills became my routine. And I was barely getting by or scratching the surface of my debt.
It didn't take long for that to get old. I've always been a big believer in the idea that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is insanity, so I decided to do something different. I decided to find a job that, at the very least, allowed me to live abroad, experience a new culture and another part of the world. But there was a hiccup. I also needed it to pay me enough to keep making payments on my substantial debt at home in the United States.
Moving Forward And Moving On
Believe it or not, getting the courage to leave was the hardest part. I was 28, and while many of my friends were starting to get married and settle down, I was trying to do the opposite. Most people couldn't fathom why I would leave a great job or a cute car and condo for the unknown. But deep down I knew that I couldn't keep slaving away, putting my dream of seeing the world on the backburner, or trying to fit into someone else's definition of success.
Once I had my mind set on leaving, things began to open up for me.
I had taught before, so I decided to renew my license and teach abroad. I found a hiring agency where I was able to create a profile and have access to a large database of schools abroad that were hiring. The hiring agency also had a job fair that I attended and within the course of a weekend, I had four job offers on two continents. The offers came with benefits that I figured were too good to be true: free housing, healthcare, a travel allowance, a tax-free salary, three months off per year. Were they serious? Well there was only one way to find out. Hey, if it's that bad I'll just come home, right? So, I followed my heart and took the opportunity that resonated most with me and never looked back.
Now, as I reflect on that decision seven years later, I couldn't be happier with the outcome.
What started as a two-year contract to work in the Philippines turned into three. From there, I moved to Singapore, where I've been ever since. I met my fiancé and started a life here that I'm beyond grateful for.
Freedom Means A Life Without Debt
During this time, I've paid off roughly $290,000 worth of debt. As it turns out, the benefits I thought were too good to be true were what I had hoped and then some. Suddenly, I had way more disposable income. Without the nagging costs of a car, rent, or United States taxes, I was able to put so much more money towards my debt. Each paycheck, I was able to breathe easier and now looked forward to paying bills. I started a budget and limited my spending significantly.
Each paycheck, I took as much money as I could and put it towards my debt with the highest interest first.
Once that was paid, I moved to the next highest interest rate. I also tracked every dollar coming in and every dollar going out. Knowing exactly how I was spending money curbed the spending alone. Around that time, I also started reading more on personal finance. When I lived in the United States, I received a 401k that was selected for me, but abroad I was forced to manage my retirement by myself. Keeping my long-term financial goals in mind and constantly striving to understand growing my wealth helped me to see what was really important and what wasn't. I traveled at my leisure but kept other unnecessary expenses, such as eating out or getting my nails done, to a minimum.
I also found it tremendously helpful to share my goals. I started blogging and decided to share my lofty financial goals. Even though it was embarrassing to reveal how much debt I had accumulated, it was freeing to put it down in writing and actually acknowledge it. It was also motivating to see the overall balance fall. What started as smaller payments quickly snowballed into bigger payments. Whereas before I was paying tons of money in interest alone, I was now seeing the principal decrease dramatically.
I had an extra spring in my step every time I made an extra payment. I've also always been very goal-oriented and competitive, so now that I had set and shared my goal, there was no way I was going to fail.
As of February, I am completely debt-free. And I'm proud to say that I've done it all while also visiting 34 new countries in the process, for a grand total of 41. Student loans are a thing of the past, I own my property in the United States free and clear, and I've not only started to save for retirement now that the debt is gone, but I've also learned how to successfully navigate the stock market as a result of the people I've met along this journey. It's been a whole mindset change really.
I pay closer attention to where my money goes and although I do treat myself at times, I don't need “things" anymore to feel fulfilled. Instead, I put much more value into the experiences I've had and the people I've shared those experiences with.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
Featured image courtesy of Maya McCoy
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Maya McCoy is a Los Angeles native turned expat. She has been living and working in Asia for the past 7 years and traveling every spare moment she gets. In addition to blogging about travel, she also uses her blog as a platform to teach others that travel is possible no matter your circumstances. Check out her blog for tips on travel, personal finance, and becoming an expat.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
____
Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images