Monica On Falling For Shannon Brown: 'He Told Me The Day We Met I Would Be His Wife'
Monica Arnold has come a long way from the 14-year-old singer who told us, "Don't Take It Personal (It's just one of those days)."
Since then we've seen the singer release a handful of albums, watch her overcome tragedy in a former relationship, and go through a break-up with her kids father before finding love on the set of a video shoot in her current hubby Shannon Brown.
Recently the loving wife and mother of three stopped by "The Breakfast Club" and opened about her experiences as a single mom turned wife, and the battle of her mind that she had leading up to this place in her life. See, for years following Monica's split from ex-fiancé and baby father, rapper Rocko Hill (in which she shares two sons with) her self-esteem took a hit. Although her ex hadn't abandoned his responsibilities as a father, he did fail her as a man. Her man. And like any woman, after a string of bad relationships, Monica blamed herself.
However, we all know how this story ends with Monica finding her happily ever after in Shannon. The couple just celebrated their 6th wedding anniversary! Although Monica regained her confidence as a woman, she admits that before they were married, her hubby gave her the ultimatum to either let him love her or leave (where do they make him, please?)
Peep the highlights below!
On feeling like she failed her children by becoming a statistic + Having Low Self-Esteem After A Bad Break Up
"It's not about how you look. Bottom line is, once you've been through enough, once you've been cheated on, or talked to in a certain way, it's going to break your spirits. I don't care how good you look.
[Tweet "I've always looked the same way on the outside but on the inside, I didn't feel right."]
I didn't understand what took place, I felt bad because I always wanted my children to have two parents. I didn't want them to go through what I had been through, I didn't want them to go through what their dad had been through, not having a dad there at all. And I felt I had failed them in some way and I really had to take a step back and do a self-check and really regroup and that's what I was doing. I was getting "me" together in front of everybody. So no, I didn't feel good about myself."
On Why she believed men when they told her she wasn't good enough
"Well, because of my temper, they never said it to my face, they just acted like it. It never was said, but I think over the years, if there is years of action that just don't amount up to what you feel like you should be worth, sometimes you get confused.
[And they cheat with] somebody that doesn't even remotely compare.
You could just walk into a mall and you get a side eye and you don't know why. And it's like 'What is she looking at?' It's hard. And this is the one downside to what I do. I don't get the option of [the other woman] not knowing me. They get that option where I have no clue who they are. But you know who I am, you know where to find me. That's easy.
So that's the other part that makes it hard when going through [infidelity], but I think it was the best experience for me to go through because it prepared me for what not to allow today!"
On Regaining Confidence and Being Surprised Men Were Interested in Her: "I just felt like a mom."
"Has anyone ever tried to put in your head that you're a single mother with two kids no man will ever want to take that in?"
"Here is the thing. Girls aren't the only thirst buckets out there. So as soon as news kind of came out that 'Ok, I'm single,' it was the complete opposite. It's weird, it was so weird. Because I'm kind of the around the way girl, I don't get butt naked on the 'gram and all that and I'm thinking, 'Those are the kind of girls they like, they ain't looking at me.' But everybody all of a sudden wants to get married when I get single. It was so weird. I didn't know [I was a hot commodity]. I didn't know that. Coming out of a relationship for years, I just felt like a mom.
"But you been looking fine Monica. Don't act like you ain't been fine, now!"
"But people like 'action' (sex) and I ain't an 'Action Figure.' Unless we're married, now listen, we're married [flips hair], it goes down! But I'm not an 'action figure' when I'm solo and single.
[Tweet "People like 'action' (sex) and I ain't an 'Action Figure. -@MonicaBrown"]
So I was just thinking I'd be the last person [men would get at]. And I'm talking very well established thirst buckets; it was odd! But it was good for my confidence because my confidence was completely gone. I was focused on nothing else but being a mom and I felt like I was the opposite of what every man would want."
On Shannon Giving Her an Ultimatum to Let Her Guard Down or Leave
"How hard was it for you to let your guard down and be like 'Ok, he's actually a good guy?'"
"It took a while. He was like hey, we need to talk. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do. You can't measure up one man by whatever you've experienced with another. So let me show you who I am or I'm about to cut this off.
I was naturally nervous. You know, single mom with two boys. And just was very afraid, if anything else.
I haven't had any issues with him, that's the part that is so crazy. And I'm thankful for that. But I think I've had to go through so much hell before him [with men], that I had to ask 'God, could you shed your light? Because I get it now. I get what you're trying to tell me?'
When he and I met, it wasn't long before we got married. He told me the day we met that I'm going to be his wife. We met at my video shoot for 'Love All Over Me', he was the leading man. They had won the championship the week before so the girl that was working for me said 'You need Shannon Brown' and when I saw him I was like, 'Damn, that's like a big, fine version of Chris Brown. Wow, like we just super-sized [Chris Brown] and put like 15 1/2 feet extra on him [laughs].' So when we met, it was instantaneous connection."
On the Advice She Got from a Fellow "Basketball Wife" + the Power of Groupies
"When I started going to the games, it almost was a little scary because you know, I'm about that [life]. I'm not really somebody you could just like, scare up. But it almost makes me uncomfortable when somebody is willing and ready to do whatever to get to a [ballplayer]. And it doesn't matter who! Whoever comes out the locker room, they've been watching these guys since college, some of them since high school.
I'm glad I got a good warning. [One basketball wife] was like, 'I want you to be prepared because everything is about to change,' and I didn't understand because [Shannon and I] were having so much fun. You know, we're going places and just enjoying each other and the seasons had changed. And the season had just ended and they won the championship, and it could not have been more perfect.
And she kept saying 'You've got to prepare yourself for the stories and the lies. You know what's happening in your house, so 'stay' your house. Don't get out your body watching that other stuff.' So I'm glad I got the preparation for it because it's very different."
On People Claiming She's "fake positive"
"It's no such thing as 'fake positive' with a life like mine. You can Google half the hell I've been through. So you can't be fake-positive and get through what I've got through."
__________________________
Yes Monica! You've got to love it when you let love in and let it win! It's so important that we don't give power to our past by letting it wreck our potential future. Here's to Monica and other women dealing with pain and healing from love!
A modest goddess who keeps it humble between mumbles. I'm a journalism graduate with a HERstory in digital media, print and radio. Roll the credits: Power 96, VH1, xoNecole, EBONY, SOHH. Deemed "Top 20 Women in Media" by Power 105. Bronx made me, Broward raised me.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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These 11 Married Couples Share Their Keys To Long-Term Marital Success
The late actor Audrey Hepburn once said something that I think a lot of married couples who have at least 10 years under their belt will agree with: “If I get married, I want to be very married.” In my mind, this means very committed, very complementary, and very willing to go the distance — otherwise, what’s the point?
Really, what’s the point?
Thing is, with the divorce rate still being higher than it ever should be (for the record, a husband is not a boyfriend, and a wife is not a girlfriend; a marriage is serious business, y’all) and acting married being praised (or at least acknowledged) more than actually being married seems to be — folks who 1) are married and are looking for some hacks that will help with relational longevity or 2) want to be married someday and want insight on how to make their future marriage last are constantly seeking truly beneficial material.
Can you Google articles with random bullet points? Sure. And I’m not discouraging it. Every little bit of wisdom that you can pull, I fully support. However, the reason why I like to do articles like this one from time to time is there is something to be said from hearing real talk from multiple sources on the same topic who have some solid wisdom and knowledge on a particular topic.
Today? 11 married couples who were willing to talk about how they’ve been able to make it to several wedding anniversaries with a smile on their face and no regrets for choosing who they chose. Let’s all sit at their feet for just a moment.
*Middle names are always used in my content that’s like this so that people can speak freely*
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1. Kyle and Adrienne. Married 12 Years.
Kyle: “Some of your readers aren’t going to want to hear this but it’s worked for my marriage: people need to lower their expectations sometimes; I mean, men and women. We go into marriage with stuff that movies told us, social media told us, friends who are always single told us about what we should expect from someone, and then want to fault the person when they’re not what we made up in our head. Everyone should have standards but if you’re expecting your spouse to be some living version of a fairy tale character, you’re going to be disappointed almost every day of your life. Drop those expectations some and watch your relationship be a lot less stressful.”
Adrienne: “Talk to people who respect your man about your marriage. I’ve never believed that you shouldn’t ever go to anyone when you need some support. Even the Bible says that there is safety in wise counsel [Proverbs 11:4]. Too many women talk to women who don’t respect men, in general, let alone their husbands, and so that’s where things go left. Sometimes, you need an ‘outside in’ perspective. But if that woman is always taking shots at men, doesn’t respect marriage, or isn’t someone who holds your man in high regard, don’t ask her for advice. Really, you should ask yourself why you’re friends with her at all.”
Shellie here: I’m big on engaged and married couples having a “village” of sorts for their relationship, too. Check out “Why Every Engaged Couple Needs A 'Marriage Registry'” to get a good idea of what I mean.
2. Levi and Paulette. Married for 15 Years.
Levi: “Some of you have probably heard of the 7-7-7 rule. It’s where couples go on a date every seven days, have a weekend getaway every seven weeks, and go on a romantic trip of some sort every seven months. My wife and I do the 2-2-2 rule instead because sometimes our schedule and budget make ‘7’ difficult. It has gotten easier since Shellie told us about the sex jar. Bottom line, if you’re waiting for time to just open up to be with your spouse, that ain’t gonna happen. Schedule intimacy, including sex. Prioritizing it is better than saying you’re gonna be spontaneous and…never are.”
Paulette: “Initiate sex, dammit. When Shellie told us that men initiate sex most of the time, and then I thought about how often I used to push my husband away whenever he did it — I never really thought about how that made him feel until I put myself in his shoes. We’ve got to stop having all of this understanding for why women cheat when it comes to them not feeling desired or not getting attention when we’re the same way to our husbands. Your marriage isn’t ‘Young and the Restless’, where you’re just supposed to wait for your man to make the move. If you want to feel wanted, do the same thing for him.”
Shellie here: What’s a sex jar, you ask? You can read more about it via “5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar.”
3. Matthew and Gaia. Married for 17 Years.
Matthew: “Reenact some of your favorite times together. My wife and I do that semi-often. We’ll go back to where we had our first date, or we’ll go back to the hotel where we had some of the best sex before. Bringing back memories of when you felt the best together can give you the motivation to stay together to create some new memories to ‘play out’ later on.”
Gaia: “If you want to ‘mom your husband,’ you need to have kids — or at least get a dog! I didn’t realize how bossy I was until I got married. It’s because I saw my mom be that way with my dad. In my eyes, I thought that’s what love looked like until I watched how my in-laws were. They don’t try to change each other, and they definitely don’t make any demands. They’re very polite. I think a lot of married people are rude to their partner. Don’t be that.”
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4. Joseph and Carletta. Married for 10 Years.
Joseph: “Go to therapy for your childhood. I’m dead serious. No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways. If you’re at the point where you think therapy is needed, go alone and deal with your childhood first. It did miracles for me and mine.”
"No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways."
Carletta: “Meditate together once a day. Even if it’s just for 5-10 minutes, you need to carve out a moment to be mindful, focus on each other, and slow the world down. [Joseph and I] have been doing it for a couple of years now; it’s totally changed the way we communicate. Meditation reminds us to put each other first; that if we’re focused on each other, we can take on…whatever.”
5. Zeke and Rachelle. Married for 12 Years.
Zeke: “An argument is not a fight and a debate is not an argument. Learn that and you’re home-free. That’s all I got.”
Rachelle: “That advice that you just got? That sums up what it’s like to live with my husband. He’s very cut-and-dry, direct, and not wordy. That used to bug the hell out of me until I realized how wordy I was and then accepted that I wouldn’t want ‘two of me’ in the house [LOL]. He’s right. You can have a difference of opinion, and it be a debate. You can not find a middle ground on something and it turns into an argument. Neither of those is a red flag. It just comes with being with someone who is as much of an individual as you are.”
6. Taurus and Madison. Married for 22 Years.
Taurus: “Be prepared for your partner to change — not a couple of times, quite a bit. And when they change, that alters the relationship because now it’s not the person you stood with on your wedding day; it’s someone else. People get divorced so much because they are inflexible; they expect their spouse to never switch up and that’s just not how life is. If you’re rigid, controlling, or don’t know how to adjust, you don’t need to marry anybody. You’re gonna be miserable, and so will they.”
Madison: “Pray before sex. Before my husband and I got married, we had quite a bit of sexual history that caused us to do some comparing, and that led to resentment. In marriage, we had to adjust to how it’s more than just what we’re getting from another person. Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred. It might sound weird at first. Just try it. I don’t think you’ll regret it at all.”
"Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred."
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7. Karl and LaTasha. Married for 9 Years.
Karl: “Check in with your partner twice a day. In the morning before leaving the house and at night before going to sleep. If you work outside of the home, a lot can happen during the course of one day, so you shouldn’t assume that the person you left in the morning is who you are coming home to. I don’t mean sharing each other’s schedules or to-do lists. I mean, asking your spouse, ‘How are you doing? How are you really doing?’. It’s a smart way to take note of their mood and needs so that you are never blindsided.”
LaTasha: “Give each other some privacy. I have never been the kind of woman to go through a man’s phone, and I won’t start. If you think that you have to be a detective in your relationship, why are you in it in the first place? I know that Karl would give me codes and passwords if I wanted them because we’ve talked about it all before. Knowing that he would is enough for me. Marriage is an institution, but damn, it shouldn’t feel like jail.”
8. Thomas and Wynter. Married for 15 Years.
Thomas: “Ask your partner what their sexual needs are. Never assume that they haven’t changed because if we all agree that we are constantly growing and evolving as people, why would sex be exempt? Don’t personalize what they say about it either. All of us have sexual fantasies and interests that we keep to ourselves because we don’t know what our partner will think or ‘cause we think that they will create stories in their head about what made us think that way. I’ve learned that intimacy is feeling okay with sharing the deep stuff. The more comfortable a man, especially, is with doing that, the better the sex will be for everyone because talking about stuff like that is like taking down some walls.”
Wynter: “It’s okay to take one vacation a year with your girls and one by yourself. Just don’t go with people who don’t have the same standards as you, and as far as your solo venture, it doesn’t need to be longer than a long weekend. One thing that they don’t tell you about marriage is how there are times when you will feel like it is monotonous because of the routine of everything. A girls’ trip reminds you to get back to you outside of being someone’s wife or mom, and the trip alone is when you can sit around and do whatever you have to negotiate most of them. And yes, your man should be given the same courtesy.”
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9. Allen and Yvette. Married for 11 Years.
Allen: “STOP. BRINGING. UP. OLD. SH-T. SH-T. Nothing creates walls in a marriage more than you telling someone that you forgave them, and then the minute something else happens, here you go with the rap sheet of wrongs. Forgiving someone means that you are pardoning them, and that’s not what you’re doing if you’re constantly holding stuff over their head. One thing that marriage will show you is how bad of a forgiver you are. Most people suck at it, if we’re gonna be real about it.”
Yvette: “I already know that some women are going to assume that my man must’ve done something to say all of that (LOL). He’s a much better forgiver than I am, believe it or not. The real plot twist is, what gets on his nerves more than anything, is when I bring up stuff that he’s forgiven me for. Allen is the kind of man [who] hates to live in the past. I’ve grown a lot because of that. I think my advice would be to stay focused on solutions and tomorrow instead of problems and yesterday.”
Allen: “Sh- t, that’s bars, babe!”
Shellie here: INDEED.
10. Brennton and Danyelle. Married for 16 Years.
Brennton: “Why anyone who is trash at forgiving would get married is beyond me. It’s delusional to the nth degree to think that you are worthy of forgiveness and others aren’t — or that what you do isn’t ‘as bad,’ and that’s why you deserve forgiveness and others don’t. My wife and I have a lot of time under our belts. I’m here to tell you that there will be something, daily, that you will need to forgive your partner for on some level. If you can’t see yourself being open to that, marriage simply isn’t for you.”
Danyelle: “I don’t know who taught so many of us that being passive-aggressive will get us what we want, but it’s a damn lie. If something is wrong, stop saying ‘nothing’ when your man asks you what’s up because, if you’ve got a man like mine, he’s gonna say ‘Okay’ and go on about his day. Brennton often says that my refusing to speak isn’t his responsibility, it’s mine. That used to piss me off because, deep down, I knew that he was right. Oh, and chill on the grudge-holding too. With guys, that’s not going to get you anywhere either.”
11. Christopher and Yvonne. Married for 26 Years.
Christopher: “Have more loyalty for your spouse than you do your closest friend. Too many people don’t think like that. If you’ve got a friend since college, you’ve been through some things and you’ve learned to forgive and move past it. If you can’t see your wife or husband in this way, why did you get married? You should never have more grace for someone who you didn’t take vows with; that’s ludicrous. Before anyone else, I’m going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It’s because I value her more than anyone. That’s what marriage is.”
"Before anyone else, I'm going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It's because I value her more than anyone. That's what marriage is."
Yvonne: “Even if you’re not about ‘traditional gender roles,’ discuss what the expectations are for the home. People don’t divorce over cheating as much as getting sick of beard clippings in the bathroom sink or cars that look like pocketbooks. When you sign up for marriage, you are doing daily life with another person. Articulate your expectations. Listen to theirs. Be flexible until you both can make it work. Do that, and you’ll look up, and it’s been 20 years already.”
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Gems. Pure gems, y’all.
You know, popular consultant Barbara De Angelis once said, “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” And love? Love is a choice.
And so, whether you’re married, engaged, or simply desire marriage in the future, hopefully, these tips will help you to choose how you love your spouse (or future spouse)…better.
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Featured image by Jasper Cole/Getty Images