Motherhood Made Me Lose My Sex Drive
Who is the authority on sex that decided if you’re not going at it longer than a Love and Hip Hop reunion special, you’re doing it wrong?
For me, sex has always been about the quality over the quantity. One great quickie in the shower is better than a night of rose petals, Usher playlists and switching through twelve different positions any day.
This is a concept I’ve come to appreciate even more since having a baby changed my sex life as I knew it. For the past nine months between late-night feedings and a pretty active case of separation anxiety (for both me and my newborn since moving her to her crib), there have been times I have been so tired it physically hurt.
The sleep deprivation is real. When you’re raising a child and working full-time,
[Tweet "It’s only a matter a time before sex becomes something you have to schedule."]
Or it just very well may never happen. Those first few months as a new parent sleep will have sex looking like a McRib in the middle of a Morton’s Steakhouse. The only thing that will disturb your rest will be the prison of paranoia that as soon as you enter the sacred circle of REM sleep, your neighbors will decide they want to argue about the American Idol winner and wake up that baby who will use any excuse not go the f**k to sleep.
Luckily my husband and I are long past 2 AM feeding territory. Our daughter has been sleeping through the night for a solid four months, but she’s still fighting bedtime as hard as Floyd Mayweather, which means by the time she’s knocked out, hubby and I have about a good five minutes before a night of Pinot Noir and catching up on our sci-fi shows turns into The Strain watching us.
So as of late, I’ve found myself doing what I once thought was corny and a certified sign I was headed to old-and-not-that-sexy status: planning sex.
Every few weeks after getting through repeated, “Don’t touch that’s” and football spin moves to keep my baby from going head first over the edge of the pack and play, there comes a rare Saturday when the grandparents cut me some slack so they can spend the day with their grandbaby. In preparation for my child-free weekend, my brain starts imagining all of the awesome things I can do with 24 hours although I know there’s no way in hell I will accomplish it all. Smoke hookah. Do laundry. Watch DVR’d episodes of The Have and Have Nots. Have bomb ass sex with my husband. Of course, I usually just end up changing the Diaper Genie liner and catching a nap.
Maybe my hormones are still getting it together since childbirth or maybe this is just what happens when you’re married with children, but my sex drive has no chill and I find myself either all over my husband for filling my gas tank up or wondering why he’s all up on me when he sees I’m very much dedicated to cleaning the Keurig at the moment.
Beyoncé wasn’t BS’ing when she said she wasn’t herself since the baby. Besides the physiological changes your body experiences with childbirth and pregnancy (it can take as long as a year or that to get back to normal), there’s adjusting to your new self-image. There will be scars, stretch marks, mommy guilt, and the media reminding you that sexuality and motherhood should be mutually exclusive unless you have a snapback like Teyana Taylor --or you just happen to be Kim Kardashian. If you’re Kim Kardashian, then hot butt-naked pregnant selfies will land you on the Huffpost homepage.
[Tweet "Sex after pregnancy sometimes requires a little more effort."]
Before giving birth, my energy level wasn’t an issue; a night of cuddling always easily turned into something more. But sometimes I find myself having to fake it until I make it. There were also times even during my pregnancy when I questioned my sexual interest. Certain acts I was completely down to do before, I suddenly found myself hesitating with the thought, “I can’t do that. I’m someone’s mother.”
Lately, I’ve come to the realization that it’s not anything my husband is doing wrong, and more importantly, I’ve come to understand there’s nothing wrong with me. In a study of 150 pregnant women published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, the researchers found that sexual satisfaction declined as the women's pregnancies progressed. And what’s worse is that it’s even easier to make sex a non-priority when you have burp cloths to wash and bottles to make.
Yvonne K. Fulbright, Ph.D., a sex educator and coauthor of Your Orgasmic Pregnancy reveals, "The happier you are in all aspects of your relationship, including your sex life, the better parent you'll be." She’s right.
A horny, stressed-out mama is no good for you, your partner, or your baby.
There isn’t a day on Instagram where some celeb isn’t posing semi-nude a week after giving birth to prove they’ve “still got it” or that motherhood doesn’t mean they can’t still break their Internet with their post-baby bods. And while that’s awesome, it can place a crazy amount of stress on new moms who are just trying to figure out how to work a breast pump and get more than three straight hours of sleep.
If having kids does anything it will make you appreciate the sex you are having, even if the whole thing is over before a NBA commercial break. The good news is that whether you want to get right back to making baby number two or don’t want anything between your legs but toilet paper, there is a whole range of “normal” when it comes to how you feel about yourself and your sex life post-pregnancy.
I'm sure I'm not the only one singing the post-pregnancy blues. If you've experienced a change in your sex drive after having your baby, let me know below!
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage