9 Life Lessons We Learned From Michelle Obama On Self-Worth, Squad Goals & Success
Michelle Obama has the keys to success in every aspect of your life.
Back in June, the First Lady sat down with Oprah Winfrey at the United State of Women Summit and had a candid chat that every woman striving for betterment should watch!
The two very powerful ladies touched on key topics including confidence, mentorship, knowing your value, surviving the haters, giving back, and expectations from men.
While the entire convo is a must watch (see below for the clip), here are Michelle's top 9 moments.
1. As women we need to figure out who we are first before the world does it for us
"One of the things I tell my mentees, I tell my daughters, is that our first job in life as women I think, is to get to know ourselves. I think a lot of times we don't do that. We spend our time pleasing, satisfying, looking out into the world to define who we are. Listening to the messages, the images, the limited definitions that people have of who we are. That's true for women of color for sure. There is a limited box that we are put in and if we live by that limited definition, we miss out on a lot of who we are. It takes taking the time to know who you are to be able to deal with the onslaught of negative messages that you're bound to get."
[Tweet "Our first job in life as women is to get to know ourselves. - FLOTUS"]
2. We should only surround ourselves with friends that lift us higher
"I always tell young girls, surround yourself with goodness. I learned early on how to get the haters out of my life. You've got to just sort of, surround yourself with people who lift you, who hold you up. For whatever reason - I was lucky I had people, I had parents who held me up. If you don't have that parent, that mother, that father, then you've got to find it. You've got to find those people because they're out there. I tell my mentees, there is somebody out there who loves you and who is waiting to love you and you just have to find them. That means you have to make room for them and if you're surrounded by a bunch of low life folks who aren't supporting you, then there's no room for the people who do love you."
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3. Sometimes you need a break from social media
"When it comes to social media there are just times I turn off the world. There are just sometimes you have to give yourself space to be quiet, which means you have to set those phones down. You can't be reading all that. That's like letting somebody just walk up and slap you. You would never do that. You would never just sit there and go, 'Slap me in the face and I'm good with it.' No. Why would you open yourself up to that? That's one thing with social media, I don’t read that stuff. I learned that early in the campaign. I couldn't keep reading stuff about my husband and what people thought, and thought because I knew who he was, I knew what was going on in our home, in our lives. I didn’t need to read about it from somebody else."
4. The best revenge is success and good work
"People won't remember what other people say about you but they will remember what you do. When it came to this role I just said, 'Let me just be First Lady. Let me wake up every day and work hard to do something of value and to do it well. To do something consequential and to do something I care about. Then let that speak for itself.' That would shut up the haters because I would have a whole portfolio of stuff that defined me because it's what I did, not what you called me. The best revenge is success and good work. You don't have to say anything to the haters. You don't have to acknowledge them at all. You just wake up every morning and be the best you, you can be and that tends to shut them up."
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5. When you focus on serving and impacting others, the money and the success will come
"I left the practice of law to go into public service for selfish reasons. I wanted to feel happy and feel good every single day. I wanted to wake up inspired and ready to do something greater than myself. That's what service and giving, that's what this room means to so many. I just want to make sure that when people leave here they don't go back into their isolation. That they don’t go back to their phones looking down because this relationship isn't enough. You need to have people in your lives that you're connecting with, that you're helping. There's nothing that makes me feel better than knowing that I helped to change somebody's life. If you're doing that every single day, the haters, the doubters, none of that matters because you are getting so much by the work that you're doing."
Then Oprah followed up with:
Oprah: "The best success comes when you can actually shift your paradigm to service. I figured this out early on in the show. I had read this quote from Dr. King. One of my favorite quotes from him that says, 'Not everybody can be famous, but everybody can be great because greatness is determined by service.' I literally shifted, I used that quote to help me shift the way I saw the platform of television."
[Tweet "Not everyone can be famous, but everybody can be great. "]
6. There are different phases in life, and even when things aren't going the way you'd like, you can't give up.
"There are so many phases to life that this—even being First Lady and living in the White House—[is] still just a portion of a very bigger journey that I have yet to know the outcome. And I won't know it until I'm laying down. It's just ever-evolving. And I think this experience has helped me to see that. These are just phases. And this has been a very interesting phase, and a very impactful phase, but there's more to come."
7. You can have it all, but it's hard to get it all at the same time.
"I am always irritated by the 'you can have it all' statement. I grew irritated with that phrase, that expectation the older I got as you're trying to have it all. You're beating yourself up and feeling less than because you aren't having it all. It's a ridiculous aspiration. You all need to stop lying. Be real about the fact no one gets everything. That was one of the first rules you learned as a little kid. You don't always get your way. You don’t always get what you want all the time and that's true in life. What I've told many young people is that, you can have it all but oftentimes it's hard to get it all at the same time."
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8. Men have to be better
"[Men] be better. Be better at everything. Be better fathers. Good, Lord. Just being good fathers who love your daughters and are providing a solid example of what it means to be a good man in the world, showing them what it feels like to be loved. That is the greatest gift that the men in my life gave to me and we've talked about this. The fact that I've never experienced abuse at the hands of any man in my life, and that's sad to say that that's a rare reality. Men can be better at that."
"Men can be better husbands. Be a part of your family's life. Do the dishes. Don't baby-sit your children. You don't baby-sit your own children. Be engaged. Don't just think going to work, and coming home makes you a man. Being a father, being engaged, all that stuff is important. Be a better employer. When you are sitting at a seat of power at a table of any kind and you look around and you just see you, it's just you and a bunch of men around a table on a golf course making deals, and you allow that to happen, and you're okay with that, be better."
[Tweet "Don't just think going to work, and coming home makes you a man. - FLOTUS"]
9. Never be complacent
"We are never done. We can never be complacent and think that we've arrived now as women because I hear this from young women. Some of you young women who aren't feeling some of the pains that many of our predecessors have felt. You think, 'Well, there aren't any problems. Women's rights, we've got this all figured out. I'm already equal. I'm good.' Just you wait, you'll feel it. The work continues and for all the young women in this room, all the young men, we can never be complacent because we have seen in recent times how quickly things can be taken away if we aren't vigilant, if we don’t know our history, if we don’t continue the work. My hope is that people leave here inspired and ready to do something. Again remember, it's not what people say about you, it's what you do."
"The question is, what are you going to do? How are you going to be better? What are you going to change in your office, in your life, in your relationships? What are you going to change in your family dynamic and how are you going to empower yourself with the knowledge that you need to know what work needs to be done? We can't afford to be ignorant, we can't afford to be complacent. We have to continue the work."
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Watch the inspiring discussion below!
Brittani Hunter is a proud PVAMU alumni and the founder of The Mogul Millennial, a business and career platform for Black Millennials. Meet Brittani on Twitter and on the Gram at @BrittaniLHunter and @mogulmillennial.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
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Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images