Michael B. Jordan Reminds Us That You Can't Rush Men Into Relationships They're Not Ready For
I've had this conversation before. The one where I nagged my partner about the fact that he doesn't spend enough time, give enough attention, or dish out the same amount of effort that I felt I was giving to him.
When he calmly explained to me that he was doing the best that he could with what he had and that right now his main priority was getting to a place where he was financially stable and accomplished to where he could provide the best for his family and loved ones, I wasn’t hearing it. After all, I, too, had a lot on my plate between chasing my dream career and trying to master the art of balancing bills, bosses, and other obstacles of life that often knock the smug “I-got-this” smirk off a recent college grad’s face when served a dose of reality. It gets real out here—yet I was managing to make it work while still dedicating time and energy to our relationship.
I questioned his level of sacrifice because at the time I didn’t quite understand why he couldn’t give more to our relationship. I argued that other races do it all the time, but for some reason, many Black men feel that they can’t give all into a relationship or explore the idea of marriage until they’ve got their lives perfectly together. I continued to press him for more until it got to a point where he got tired of the repetitive arguments, usually stemming from me because I wanted more attention. More time. More everything.
In a September interview with GQ, heartthrob Michael B. Jordan revealed that he’s taking the time in his 20s and early 30s to focus on his work.
"I try and be focused. I told myself at a young age, once I kind of saw this momentum, that I would sacrifice all my twenties to my work. I’m 28. I’ve got a year and a half.”
Coming from nothing to now being the breadwinner of the family, there’s a lot of pressure for him to be able to provide, and he’s at a place where he’d rather sacrifice having a serious relationship for the sake of taking care of his family first.
"I’m pretty sure the women won’t say that’s good, but for me it’s like I can’t have any regrets and I have to know that I gave everything I had to making my family okay. At the end of the day, that’s all that matters to me is my family, bro. I come from nothing, so it’s like my family, they came with me. That’s all I care about. Couldn’t give a f-ck less about anything else. My mom, my dad, my sister, my brother—they’re good, I’m good. They’re not good, I’m not good. I put everything I had into everything, so once they’re good I can start living a little. My mid-thirties I can live a little. And I’m so okay with that. I’m cool with that.”
He continued:
A lot of females that didn’t agree with this agenda. They want what they want, I tell them what I want. It doesn’t quite work out that well. That’s why I’m by myself.Are you lonely?
“I’m not. I understand what females want and need, you know. I’m good at that. I don’t know if I’m the guy to give it to them right now. I’m emotionally unavailable. Until I find something that’s so undeniable that I can’t help myself.
It wasn’t until I really started focusing on myself and what I wanted to accomplish that I began to understand what my ex had been saying all along--he just wanted to be at a place of peace and in a position of prosperity before giving his undivided to another. Not because he wasn’t capable of giving anything before, but because relationships take time, energy, and attention. They need to be nurtured, and when you’re not in a position to where you can effectively do that—when you’re not ready—it can result in undesirable consequences such as arguing, fighting, divorce, etc.
At 25, I’m learning more about myself and the woman that I want to become, and I am also more aware of what I want in a relationship. I’ve seen how a man not having his own, or worse, pushing aside his dream to focus on love, can be detrimental to the longevity of a relationship.
As women, we often ask for a man who comes correct financially, emotionally, and mentally, but then throw temper tantrums when they’re actively working on that and let us know upfront that they can’t give us their all at the moment. We say that they don’t have to have everything together and that we will be their ride or die, but when we see our friends going on romantic getaways, being wined and dined, walking down aisles, and journeying into motherhood—we side-eye our partners and hit them with that “so when is it my turn?” talk, and in turn, the guy out of love (or maybe just to appease us) may cave in to the pressure and attempt to give us our heart’s desires, only to end up silently struggling to keep up with the demands of a relationship.
It’s said that common reasons for divorce revolve around finances and lack of communication—but often a man has communicated his lack and the fact that he’s not ready prior to marriage or entering into a relationship, but we impatiently try to push them to move on our timetable.
I often wonder how many problems would be avoided if we all approached marriage and love when we were financially stable and able to focus on nurturing our relationships instead of our pockets. I wonder if we took the time to focus on our dreams instead of being distracted by our fantasies if our perspective of relationships and marriage would change, and if we would build foundations on solid ground instead of unstable soil.
I’m at a place in life where I want to be able to give my all to both my family and my man when it’s time, and not have to worry about not being able to adequately provide the wants and needs of another because I’m still trying to fulfill my own goals and desires. I’m okay with taking the time to enjoy life. That doesn’t mean that I won’t date, just that when it’s really time for me to settle down I’ll be able to come to the table complete, and that my partner will be able to do the same.
As Michael, and other men, reminds us:
"If a man tells you he's emotionally unavailable, believe him."
Maybe it's time that we start listening.
Are we pushing men into relationships they’re not ready for? Sound off in the comments below!
Featured image by Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images
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Kiah McBride writes technical content by day and uses storytelling to pen real and raw personal development pieces on her blog Write On Kiah. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @writeonkiah.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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ItGirl 100: Get To Know Some Of The Most Inspiring And Empowering Women On Our List
The ItGirl 100 List, in partnership with Hyundai, is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
We often see lists featuring amazing women who are seasoned in this thing called life, and our ItGirl 100 List gives flowers to the people they’ve passed the torch to: young millennial and Gen Z women who are innovating and disrupting in today’s world of advancement.
xoNecole has partnered with Hyundai for its inaugural ItGirl 100 List to give these women their flowers today. It’s a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who have built their own tables, launched new businesses, and redefined what it truly means to be blessed, booked, and busy.
Here’s a snapshot of fun facts from a few of the women listed on the ItGirl 100, representing the East, West, Midwest, and South:
EAST
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DJ 9AM: DJ & Curator
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "On My Mama" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Nia Long
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Taurus Moon, Pisces Rising
Favoring open-format, multi-genre mixes, this DJ has created a winning reputation for rocking a crowd with seamless transitions and selections, always representing Southwest musical and cultural influences.
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Tiffany James, Founder, Modern BLK Girl
Representing:Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Lucky Girl" by Carlina
Favorite OG It Girl:Naomi Campbell
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Virgo Rising
Modern BLK Girl is one of the leading investment groups among women of color, and the founder serves as an avid investor, community builder, and advocate. Tiffany James is also a mentor, utilizing her unique combination of financial and fashion expertise.
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Kat Mateo, Casting Director
Representing: New Jersey
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Princess Going Digital" by Amaarae
Favorite OG It Girl: Kelis, Eve, Lil Kim
Zodiac Big Three: Aries Sun, Cancer Moon, Cancer Rising
Thriving as a casting director and stylist, Kat Mateo offers a unique point of view that has shaped New York Fashion Week shows, ad campaigns, and editorials. She has also been a major contributor to cultural conversations related to fashion and inclusivity.
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Denise Stephanie Hewitt, Photographer
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Experience" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Hannah Montana
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Aquarius Moon, Aquarius Rising
This Gordon Parks Foundation scholar is a full-time student who has been working to expand her freelance career in photography. Denise is also been featured among Essence'sinaugural list of "Top 10 Creators Under 30," for her unique aesthetics and perceptions through her art.
WEST
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Nayamka Roberts-Smith, Aesthetician
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Tomorrow 2" by GloRilla & Cardi B
Favorite OG It Girl: Meagan Good
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Capricorn Rising
Nayamka Roberts-Smith is an award-winning professional in the skincare industry and serves as an educator, offering knowledge on beauty culture. She also is a well-sought-after speaker on beauty and women’s issues, with a following of more than 1 million on social.
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Desiree L. Talley, Esq., Vice President, Legal & Business Affairs, Revolt TV
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice" by The Carters
Favorite OG It Girl: Issa Rae
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Scorpio Moon, Cancer Rising
An attorney and storyteller, Desiree L. Talley meshes relatability with her legal smarts for the culture. She advocates for cultural advancement and societal change through her POPLAW Podcast while balancing her executive duties at Revolt TV.
Marley Rae
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Marley Rae, Organizer, WalkGood
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice For What" by Drake
Favorite OG It Girl: Mariah Carey
Zodiac Big Three: Capricorn Sun, Taurus Moon, Leo Rising
Marley Rae is a Nike Athlete, certified yoga instructor, COO, and Director of Health and Wellness for WalkGood LA, a family-founded non-profit organization. She is dedicated to fostering understanding and care in local and global communities.
MIDWEST
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Shawnee Dez
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "FreeBody Freestyle" by Shawnee Dez
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Morrison
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Aquarius Moon, Cancer Rising
Shawnee Dez is an artist who's all about captivating her audience through encouragement and empowerment. Her music features fluid harmonic layering, live instrumentation fused with digital production, and her unique multi-talented voice in an alto melodic tone.
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Bianca Pastel, Visual Artist
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: Anything by Whitney Houston
Favorite OG It Girl: Grace Jones
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Leo Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Bianca Pastel's artistic portfolio includes fine art, illustrations, and animation, and she's worked with clients including Disney Pixar, and the NFL, to name a few. Her focus is "empowering the experience of being a Black child and dealing with mental health issues."
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Donyale Walton, Founder, Hoop Mobb
Representing: Detroit
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Yeah I Said It" by Rihanna
Favorite OG It Girl: Aaliyah
Zodiac Big Three: Virgo Sun, Libra Moon, Capricorn Rising
Donyale Walton's brand Hoop Mobb, celebrates the Black and Brown fashion and cultural impact and presence of hoop earrings. It's grown to earn more than seven figures in annual revenue and a nationwide community of loyal consumers.
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Ticara Devone, Content Creator
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "She's a Bitch" by Missy Elliott
Favorite OG It Girl: Ananda Lewis
The Zodiac Big Three: Libra Sun, Taurus Moon, Virgo Rising
A trusted sneaker enthusiast and content creator, Ticara Devone uses dynamic storytelling to hold space for others with a passion for sneakers. A published writer, she’s worked with brands including Nike and Footlocker and inspires us all by ensuring women are vocal and seen in the multi-billion dollar shoe space.
SOUTH
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AllyiahsFace, Content Creator
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Go Off" Doja Cat
Favorite OG It Girl: Gabrielle Union and Halle Berry
Zodiac Big Three: Gemini Sun, Leo Moon, Scorpio Rising
AllyiahsFace's YouTube channel has more than 830,000 subscribers, and she's been hitting the ground running since 2015. Her content creation, which centers on beauty, fashion, and lifestyle, has led to a lucrative career and drawn a close-knit social and real-life community to view and be inspired.
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Jaycina, Executive Director, Tender
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "All I Got" by Amel Larrieux
Favorite OG It Girl:Tracee Ellis Ross
Zodiac Big Three: Leo Sun, Sagittarius Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Jaycina is a signed model with a nonprofit that works to provide support and community for single mothers in Atlanta. She's also appeared in campaigns for brands including Fenty and GAP as well as features in all your favorite magazines and on billboards across the country.
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Asha Christian, Founder, Coily App
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "It's My Life" by Mariah Carey
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Childs (Girlfriends)
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Leo Rising
Asha Christian created Coily to provide beauty recommendations utilizing social data. It offers a more personalized, AI-driven experience for users and part of her mission is to provide solutions related to diversity and put the focus back on the consumer. Meshing tech and culture, Christian is innovating with options that exemplify the Black girl magic needed in tech.
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Featured image by FG Trade/Getty