Michael B. Jordan Reminds Us That You Can't Rush Men Into Relationships They're Not Ready For
I've had this conversation before. The one where I nagged my partner about the fact that he doesn't spend enough time, give enough attention, or dish out the same amount of effort that I felt I was giving to him.
When he calmly explained to me that he was doing the best that he could with what he had and that right now his main priority was getting to a place where he was financially stable and accomplished to where he could provide the best for his family and loved ones, I wasn’t hearing it. After all, I, too, had a lot on my plate between chasing my dream career and trying to master the art of balancing bills, bosses, and other obstacles of life that often knock the smug “I-got-this” smirk off a recent college grad’s face when served a dose of reality. It gets real out here—yet I was managing to make it work while still dedicating time and energy to our relationship.
I questioned his level of sacrifice because at the time I didn’t quite understand why he couldn’t give more to our relationship. I argued that other races do it all the time, but for some reason, many Black men feel that they can’t give all into a relationship or explore the idea of marriage until they’ve got their lives perfectly together. I continued to press him for more until it got to a point where he got tired of the repetitive arguments, usually stemming from me because I wanted more attention. More time. More everything.
In a September interview with GQ, heartthrob Michael B. Jordan revealed that he’s taking the time in his 20s and early 30s to focus on his work.
"I try and be focused. I told myself at a young age, once I kind of saw this momentum, that I would sacrifice all my twenties to my work. I’m 28. I’ve got a year and a half.”
Coming from nothing to now being the breadwinner of the family, there’s a lot of pressure for him to be able to provide, and he’s at a place where he’d rather sacrifice having a serious relationship for the sake of taking care of his family first.
"I’m pretty sure the women won’t say that’s good, but for me it’s like I can’t have any regrets and I have to know that I gave everything I had to making my family okay. At the end of the day, that’s all that matters to me is my family, bro. I come from nothing, so it’s like my family, they came with me. That’s all I care about. Couldn’t give a f-ck less about anything else. My mom, my dad, my sister, my brother—they’re good, I’m good. They’re not good, I’m not good. I put everything I had into everything, so once they’re good I can start living a little. My mid-thirties I can live a little. And I’m so okay with that. I’m cool with that.”
He continued:
A lot of females that didn’t agree with this agenda. They want what they want, I tell them what I want. It doesn’t quite work out that well. That’s why I’m by myself.Are you lonely?
“I’m not. I understand what females want and need, you know. I’m good at that. I don’t know if I’m the guy to give it to them right now. I’m emotionally unavailable. Until I find something that’s so undeniable that I can’t help myself.
It wasn’t until I really started focusing on myself and what I wanted to accomplish that I began to understand what my ex had been saying all along--he just wanted to be at a place of peace and in a position of prosperity before giving his undivided to another. Not because he wasn’t capable of giving anything before, but because relationships take time, energy, and attention. They need to be nurtured, and when you’re not in a position to where you can effectively do that—when you’re not ready—it can result in undesirable consequences such as arguing, fighting, divorce, etc.
At 25, I’m learning more about myself and the woman that I want to become, and I am also more aware of what I want in a relationship. I’ve seen how a man not having his own, or worse, pushing aside his dream to focus on love, can be detrimental to the longevity of a relationship.
As women, we often ask for a man who comes correct financially, emotionally, and mentally, but then throw temper tantrums when they’re actively working on that and let us know upfront that they can’t give us their all at the moment. We say that they don’t have to have everything together and that we will be their ride or die, but when we see our friends going on romantic getaways, being wined and dined, walking down aisles, and journeying into motherhood—we side-eye our partners and hit them with that “so when is it my turn?” talk, and in turn, the guy out of love (or maybe just to appease us) may cave in to the pressure and attempt to give us our heart’s desires, only to end up silently struggling to keep up with the demands of a relationship.
It’s said that common reasons for divorce revolve around finances and lack of communication—but often a man has communicated his lack and the fact that he’s not ready prior to marriage or entering into a relationship, but we impatiently try to push them to move on our timetable.
I often wonder how many problems would be avoided if we all approached marriage and love when we were financially stable and able to focus on nurturing our relationships instead of our pockets. I wonder if we took the time to focus on our dreams instead of being distracted by our fantasies if our perspective of relationships and marriage would change, and if we would build foundations on solid ground instead of unstable soil.
I’m at a place in life where I want to be able to give my all to both my family and my man when it’s time, and not have to worry about not being able to adequately provide the wants and needs of another because I’m still trying to fulfill my own goals and desires. I’m okay with taking the time to enjoy life. That doesn’t mean that I won’t date, just that when it’s really time for me to settle down I’ll be able to come to the table complete, and that my partner will be able to do the same.
As Michael, and other men, reminds us:
"If a man tells you he's emotionally unavailable, believe him."
Maybe it's time that we start listening.
Are we pushing men into relationships they’re not ready for? Sound off in the comments below!
Featured image by Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images
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Kiah McBride writes technical content by day and uses storytelling to pen real and raw personal development pieces on her blog Write On Kiah. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @writeonkiah.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images