Meagan Good On How DeVon Franklin Accepted Her: "Before I Felt Unworthy & Not Good Enough"
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes…sex? At least that’s the case for Hollywood power couple Meagan Good and DeVon Franklin. In an industry that often glorifies premarital sex in everything from chick flicks to thrillers, the actress and the executive movie producer are an anomaly—going against the grain of the typical and reverting back to traditional views of marriage in which the honeymoon comes before the honey.
And if you ask the duo, it was certainly worth the wait. Not just because of the anticipated wedding date, but because of the rewards that came with the risks (or in this case the sacrifices) of not diving into a relationship centered around sexual pleasure as detailed in their latest book The Wait: A Powerful Practice for Finding the Love of Your Life and The Life You Love. Flip through the pages of their love story and it’s almost a perfect script of its own. Although the couple have been around each other for years from movie sets to red carpet premieres, it wasn’t until the pair begin filming for Jumping the Broom in 2011 that the two would fatefully cross each other’s paths, which ultimately lead to a 13-month long courtship before the couple finally tied the knot in 2012.
But as magical as their story seems, it wasn’t always a fairytale. There were moments of frustration as the couple tackled every issue in their relationship from baggage from previous relationships to deeper insecurities that are often overlooked when couples rush to get in between the sheets. And of course, there was the whole no-sex until marriage thing that came with its own set of challenges. As DeVon likes to jokingly say, “I mean, it’s Meagan Good!”
Not everyone served as a solid support system either. Meagan’s reputation as a “party girl” dimmed the light of her relationship with the part-time preacher, while DeVon, who was already 10 years deep into practicing celibacy, was met with opposition from peers who didn’t understand his decision of delaying gratification for the sake of spiritual, personal and professional gain. But both the Think Like A Man actress and the former VP at Columbia Pictures (DeVon recently left the company to start his own production company, Franklin Entertainment) credit their strength and perseverance to God, who remains at the center of their relationship and marriage.
With over three years of marriage under the belt, the couple has come together to give insight into the one decision that built the foundation of their matrimony, getting real and diving into the questions and mentalities that make many hesitant in chapters such as “If I Don’t Sleep with Him, I’ll Lose Him” to “The Problem with Sex.”
To shed light on what made Meagan and DeVon’s practice “The Wait” before saying “I do,” we spoke with the couple on how they successfully navigated celibacy while working in Hollywood. Catch the highlights below!
Waiting allows you to get to know "the real" in your partner:
DeVon Franklin: I think so much came out of practicing “The Wait” and having the time to get to know each other and see things clearly, and not allowing sexual attraction to cloud the vision and also cloud our judgment. I think that in dating, your judgment is one of the things that will serve you the best if you do everything to preserve it. And our dating situation, having judgment and being able to see her and her being able to see me gave us both the confirmation and the confidence that we were meant for each other.
Marriage should push you out of your comfort zone and make you better:
DeVon: What I say is that you can’t go into marriage trying to change someone, but marriage will change you. So me, it’s like hey I’m going into marriage I am the essence of who I am and Meagan gives me the freedom to be that, but marriage has totally changed me because every day I’m not only married to the love of my life but [I] also have to consider what are her thoughts? How would she want me to do this? What does she need from me? And how does she need for me to be supportive? And just those considerations change me. I think I’ve gotten more overall in my life more understanding, more compassionate, more patient with people. I’m very different than how I was when I was single.
Meagan Good: DeVon has always been, from my understanding, very career-oriented and focused, and by the book. He’s willing to do the work and go above and beyond, so the way that he approaches life is like that across the board. And for me, while I have a great work ethic, I’m a lot more free-spirited and chill, and so when we came together we were able to give that to each other. He helped me straighten up a lot and get even more focused on my career and how to approach things and not to just do the work, but go above and beyond. As a result, it changed my career; it created different opportunities before me.
You have to get rid of baggage to build a solid foundation:
Meagan: For me personally, I had to allow God to really work on me because I had a lot of damage and baggage coming into it, and things that I had to work on and I had to face those things head on. I’d never really done that before. So that was the biggest transition for me—facing my fears and allowing God to work it out. A lot of the healing that came was in the relationship because a lot of it was about acceptance and being loved for who I was. Even when we got married one of the things that DeVon said was, “I love you for who you are right now, even if you never change a thing about you, I love you exactly how you are.” That was good for me because I’d never experienced that before. It was always some type of conditional feeling that even though I felt like I was enough, that the person didn’t feel like I was enough.
The person who is meant for you will stick in there:
Meagan: In the beginning, I self-sabotaged because there were all of these feelings of unworthiness and not being good enough, a lot of fear, and seeing how far I can push the person before they give up on me. And he stuck in there with me and literally it’s been the best thing because his love, and the love that God gave him for me, was a huge catalyst to a tremendous amount of healing that I’ve needed for such a long time.
It's important to leave room for mistakes in marriage:
DeVon: It was God, for sure. And just having patience and then love. We’re in this together. I’m not going to assume that I know how to be married or that you know how to be married. We need to have room to make mistakes and learn from those mistakes and come into a better understanding of what oneness looks like, so it was like being flexible and give each other room to get adjusted. I think so many times we have this romantic idea that we get to the altar and say yes and everything is going to be great. No, that’s where the work begins. There’s a whole lot that goes into creating an environment of freedom and flexibility and faith in a marriage. So as we in that first year continued to figure out how to navigate our marriage in a successful way it was just staying focused on God, staying focused on our love, and knowing that a healthy marriage is not made overnight.
Pre- and post-marriage counseling is key to strengthening communication
Meagan: We live in a climate where a lot of marriages don’t last very long. We wanted to give ourselves every single opportunity to be preventative. Not to walk into a situation like we need help now, but before we get to that place let’s talk through everything, let’s work out everything. With him and I both, we have things from childhood and past relationships and from a lot of different things that needed to be talked about and worked through. How are we going to raise our children? What is the kind of lifestyle that we want? What do we want out of our lives? Definitely, it was something that was invaluable, and it’s something we’d still do now. I would encourage anybody thinking about getting married or already married, it’s such a blessing.
The joy of a relationship has little to do with sex:
Meagan: It’s interesting because in a relationship there is so much joy, and I don’t think that the joy is wrapped up in the sex, I think sex or making love is icing on the cake, but I think that there’s a time for that. And for us while we were dating I had more joy in us dating then I had in any relationship that I’d been in. Because that joy was dependent upon us and our connection and the fun that we had together and getting to know each other and being excited about the possibility and it really was two best friends that are physically attracted to each other and falling in love with each other really enjoying life and so I would say that I don’t think that would take any joy out of the equation.
Practicing "The Wait" not only benefits your relationship but your career as well:
DeVon: When you can be disciplined in this area of your life it lays the foundation of success that your entire life will then rest upon because history is littered with great men who for whatever reason because this area is very difficult to get control of, this area of their life has lead to nations falling and so many things have happened because men have not taken on the charge of taking control of their sexuality and finding out how to manage it and tame it. I promise you once you start to manage this area of your life and to put it in perspective and having authority over it and it not having authority over you, you’re going to see your life go to another level. And you’re going to see the things that you’ve been wanting begin to manifest and then once you achieve them you actually will have the discipline and the respect and the poise to manage the success that you will have.
I can tell you so much of the success that many people see in Produced By Faith (DeVon’s first book) and the movies that I’ve been associated with, producing my own film, running my own company, and having an amazing wife and life, so much of it has come from the decision to live life in a way that I believe God wanted me to live, and to offer up my body as a living sacrifice every day with the desire of not only doing His will but to become everything that He wanted me to become and the result and the reward has far exceeded anything that I ever thought possible.
A great marriage isn't built overnight, it takes hard work:
DeVon: You have to give each other time to know one another. A great marriage is not built overnight. And a great marriage is built upon a foundation of peace and trust and freedom to get to know one another, so we’ve had to continue to learn to be committed to know each other as husband and wife and give each other enough room to grow and the freedom to express ourselves and also making sure that in the environment of our marriage, there’s also an acceptance of that expression, which is very important.
And her and I want to make sure that we both feel comfortable being who we are and sometimes saying what we need to say in order to grow into not only our best selves, but to be the best husband and wife to each other.
Get your copy of “The Wait” available in stores and at thewaitbook.orgin stores now.
Kiah McBride writes technical content by day and uses storytelling to pen real and raw personal development pieces on her blog Write On Kiah. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @writeonkiah.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Do You Want To Be A Wife? Or Do You Just Want To Have A Wedding?
Even though it’s my life, sometimes I look at it and totally trip out over certain things.
For instance, even though I am aware that both Hebrew and African cultures put a lot of stock in the name of a child (because they believe it speaks to their purpose; so do I) and I know that my name is pretty much Hebrew for divine covenant, it’s still wild that in a couple of years, I will have been working with married couples for a whopping two decades — and boy, is it an honor when they will say something like, “Shellie, we’ve seen [professionally] multiple people and no one has been nearly as effective as you have been.”
Yep, me. Little ole’ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, y’all better quit letting people tell you what you’re called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe I’ve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is — “You better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big ‘ole party for all of the work that you’re about to do.” And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, “And you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.”
Why do I emphasize that point so much? It’s because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think it’s important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife — or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
It’s Time to Stop “Living for the Fairy Tale”
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that I’ve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan “A diamond is forever” and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, I’ll just let you read Insider’s “Here's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,” if you’re interested.
And as far as marriage goes, don’t even get me started on the whole “I’m living for the fairy tale” narrative that gets pushed incessantly. I’ve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means “a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures” and “an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.” Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, what’s up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric that’s so popular and also, so… “silly” is the first word that comes to mind, “unrealistic” is the second and “unnecessary” is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom — all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldn’t afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it — even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your “why”?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) — WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, “When you find your ‘why’, you will find a way to make it happen.” And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there aren’t enough “why” questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying “why” you want a huge wedding is nothing more than “because I want to” or “why” you chose the man that you did is simply “I love him” — I’ve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply aren’t good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thing…not by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I’m good for throwing some Scripture in; it’s a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word that’s used to define it in the Bible is “helpmate” (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual — in this case, a husband.
While we’re here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and it’s good. Lawd, I can’t tell you how many wife clients I’ve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does “good help” look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into “Am I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?”
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that I’m not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the “princess treatment.” Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Fathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queen” — and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.”
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. It’s not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do — and it’s not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Y’all, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, I’ll just end this part of the article with, “If you’re not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, you’re not ready to be a wife.” Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (I’m writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people don’t have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when you’re dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person you’re seeing keeps their word — and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying “I do.” And while we’re here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly don’t see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it — to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way — down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a “trick” that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldn’t feel like they are falling for someone when they’re able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big ole’ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watchUnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isn’t even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you don’t want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you don’t want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you don’t want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you don’t want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you don’t want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual — marriage isn’t for you.
You’d be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I don’t mean marry yourself; you are already “one” with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce because…divorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union — yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. It’s not a party. It’s a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Don’t Get Married Until You’re Sure That You Want…BOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I don’t immediately respond with, “Congrats! That’s awesome.” NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, “For real. Why?” WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, “What do you mean ‘why’?” and then follow that up with, “Because I’m in love” or…they don’t really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesn’t really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT — Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think you’ve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because you’re both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, that’s not asking enough. I don’t care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I don’t care how much divorce has been normalized. I don’t care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (it’s not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (it’s not) — marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just said…not simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, that’s a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: it’s because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for — not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
____
This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; you’ll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: “When it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesn’t excite you more than being a bride — wait. You’re not ready yet.”
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
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