I had the best sex of my life when I was at my ideal weight, which is about 40 pounds lighter than I am right now.
I already have a high libido, but when I was confident in my physical appearance, I wanted to f*ck all the time, in every position, everywhere just because I felt good knowing how good I looked doing it. I didn't have to make sure my rolls weren't doing too much rolling around, or wonder if my muffin top looked more like a bagel from the back.
I was able to focus so much more of my attention on intimacy and my own sexual fulfillment that orgasms came quickly and easy for me. I understand now that the great sex I had was never really about how much I weighed, but more so how I felt about myself personally. When you have a positive self-image, it eliminates all the self-doubt and insecurity associated with intimacy and gives you the opportunity to focus on what's most important: your orgasm.
Loni love recently opened up on The Real about how her weight loss gave her confidence in the bedroom and improved her sex life. She said that before, she would be physically unable or unmotivated to experiment with new sex positions, leaving her feeling stifled sexually and unsatisfied.
"It was only one position I could do because of my um — breath was getting cut off, when I tried to like lay on my back, because my stomach was in the way."
One thing I appreciate about Loni is her candid way of saying things that we all, in one shape or form, have experienced.
I don't like being on top. There, I admit it. When I was younger, it wasn't my favorite position because I'm somewhat athletically uncoordinated, but now, it's something I refuse to do.
Riding d*ck is a vulnerable, intimate experience where your partner is left looking up at your naked body in all of its glory. My titties sag a little, I have a gut, and I can never quite find my rhythm. When I'm on top of a man, looking into his eyes, I know that he can see all of my insecurities.
This feeling of insecurity is so intense for me, that I refrain from having sex at all. At some point, I made the conscious decision to sacrifice my desires for intimacy for hollow insecurities that I feel could all melt away if I got serious about drafting and achieving my own personal body goals.
Loni said that after losing 30 pounds, she has a few new tricks up her sleeve in the bedroom and has developed a more positive self-image. You don't have to be a size two to feel good about your sexuality and femininity, but if you set some concrete and tangible goals that cater to your insecurities, I can guarantee that you'll see an improvement in your sex life.
It's difficult to be transparent with your partner if you're not comfortable with what that transparency looks like. Without transparency, can you really reach an optimal level of pleasure and intimacy?
Remember: when you feel sexy, you are sexy, and the sex is lit.
It may not be as easy as it looks, but Loni proves that it's always a good time for self-improvement, especially when it's in the name of good sex.
Featured image by Moses Robinson/Getty Images for BET
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The reason why I think that this is relevant to today’s topic is, as I was doing some research for it, I found myself rolling my eyes quite a bit as I read things like “men need to orgasm in order to release sperm; women don’t need an orgasm to conceive” and “Why do women orgasm? It’s still a mystery.” Umm, is it? Because if you factor in the oneness component that I just mentioned (which more people should take to heart if you ask me) and then add to that the fact that the ONLY purpose of a clitoris is sexual stimulation and satisfaction for a woman — female climaxing and the need for it to happen as much as possible should baffle absolutely no one.
Sex serves a layer of benefits and yes, for both men and women, pleasure should be one of them. And since that is the case, a woman being able to orgasm, as much as she can, should be promoted…in content on a consistent basis.
And that is why I thought some of you might find it interesting that there are certain things about men, specifically, that science says can increase the chances of you climaxing — not only more but more intensely too.
Let’s dive in.
How Masculine a Man Is
GiphyI’m gonna be honest: All of the women out here who give pushback on submission and yet want a man to physically look up to (you know, someone who is 6’ or over which is only 15 percent of the male US population, by the way) fascinate me. So, you want a man who towers over you yet you think it is antiquated for a man to lead you? Do tell. Anyway, that is the first thing I thought about when I read that a man’s level of masculinity plays a significant role in how often a woman is able to orgasm and how quickly she is able to do it.
It would appear that some of the backstory on this is, on the physical tip, men with strong jawlines and broad shoulders represent being in good health as well as being able to protect their family while research also reveals that men with beards make many women believe that they would be good fathers. And yes, as much as social media may say — or scream — otherwise, women tend to prefer dominant (exerting authority or influence) men more as well. All of this together, in the bedroom, results in more and faster orgasms for women. Fascinating.
A Man’s Personality
GiphyA sense of humor in a man can really take him a long way in life — including when it comes to giving women orgasms. That’s why articles like “Funny Men Give The Best Orgasms, According To Research” exist. Although it’s probably a given that a lot of us are drawn to this character trait because it makes us feel good, research also says that humor taps into our creativity, makes it easier for us to adapt to things, and can help us to be better problem-solvers too.
Sexually, I would think that being funny helps because humor and orgasms both provide dopamine hits which is the feel-good hormone that runs throughout our bodies. While we’re on this topic, other personality traits that will make you cum more when it comes to men include being creative, warm, and faithful — gee, imagine that. #sarcasm
Also, a Man’s Self-Esteem
GiphyI’m pretty sure it doesn’t surprise you in the least that the more intense your orgasms are with a guy, the more attractive you’ll find him to be and the more willing you’ll be to have sex with him multiple times a week. Yeah, y’all be careful with this one because something else that science says is whenever a really good orgasm comes your way, as a woman, your brain literally switches all the way off for a moment (which could explain a lot when it comes to who some people choose to deal with out here…just sayin’). Anyway, apparently it would seem that a truly confident man is who’s able to pull all of this off.
That makes sense because confidence is all about having a high sense of self-worth; embracing challenges; not having a lot of self-doubt; listening well to others; standing firm on one’s own beliefs; putting plans into action, and taking control of one’s life. Plus, since a lot of women will admit that they prefer a man to be a provider and protector, which in turn causes them to feel safe, and feeling safe also makes it easier to let go and enjoy sex fully — yes, all of this tracks.
Foreskin
GiphyIf no one else will say it, I WILL: the double standard on foreskin vs. the extra skin that a lot of women have when it comes to their vulva is absolutely ridiculous. In fact, if you know some things about your clitoris, it’s constructed a lot like a mini-penis in the sense of it experiences an erection of sorts when it’s aroused and the clitoral hood is the clitoris’s “foreskin.” So, to be out here giving the “ick” to men for how they were born when some of us have large or hanging lips — yeah, let’s chill on that.
Besides, according to science, “uncut men” not only have a greater level of sensation during sex, but that extra bit of skin (which isn’t as much as a lot of y’all make it out to be…relax) actually gives women more consistent orgasms too. Don’t believe me? Read this here and this here.
If He Ejaculates
GiphyI dunno. If you’re not a selfish partner, this one seems like common sense because, if a man “completes the act”, that means he was able to “get his” and that seems like something any good lover would want for their partner (the only thing better? Experiencing it with him at the same time!). However, what I did find interesting is there’s a greater chance that a woman will orgasm herself if she knows that her partner came.
In fact, one study said that a little over 50 percent of women thought that it was very important that their partner ejaculated during sex while a little over 22 percent said that they experienced more intense orgasms if he came during intercourse.
Some studies say that the sensation of the sperm inside of the vagina may play a role in this; however, since that means that you must engage in unprotected sex (check out “Thinking About Going Condom-Free? Read This Before You Do.”) in order to vouch for this one…I’ll just say to use forethought, wisdom and definitely get tested before attempting it.
BONUS: How Your Friends See Him
GiphyThe more you learn, boy. Have any of you heard of the sexy son hypothesis before? The gist is this: If you create children with someone who other women find attractive, the belief is that you will end up having sons who have that same quality. And yes, being with someone who you think is appealing to other women — seems to increase the chances of you having an orgasm too (chile).
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Hmph. It’s intel like this that explains why so many think pieces say that the brain is the most powerful sex organ that we have. Anyway, if you’re someone who wants to have more orgasms or more intense orgasms, perhaps take some of this data to heart. For all you know, it might be the blueprint that you’ve been looking for all along.
Thoughts? Comments. Confirmations? LOL.
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Featured image by Giphy