I'm No Longer Dating Boys...I Only Date Myself
If I was graded on the subject of dating and relationships as it pertains to my love life, I'd surely receive an F.
But at least I'd get a “B+" for the freedom of keeping that information private. I can't imagine having to live and relive my relationship woes under public scrutiny like celebrities such as Halle Berry does.
She has had a few aha! moments regarding her marriages and has spoke on them:
“I looked at the part that I played and looked at the part the men I had married played. I had chosen boys. I wanted to do grown up things, but I was not with a grown up."
[Tweet "I wanted to do grown up things, but the men I married were not grown up."]
Although she accepts some of the blame, these internet streets still insist that since she's the common denominator, she must be the sole problem. In fact with her beauty and her perceived ability to snag any man she wants, she must be unstable and crazy.
Perhaps they forgot to add “in love."
Halle and Gabrielle
I'm compelled to remind them that plain ol' crazy is rather a harsh word, not to mention beauty doesn't exempt anyone from heartbreak, and Halle isn't the only one who's been repeatedly unlucky in romance. As a grown woman, I also encountered my fair share of “boys," and while I didn't marry any of them, I did live with one.
I don't even know how dude was approved for that modern apartment or his BMW especially since he didn't have the resources to maintain either one. He claimed to be a chef for an Italian chain, but I soon discovered that his cooking skills could've used some spice from the Culinary Institute of America. And the random paycheck stub I found only proved that he was indeed the dude who sprinkled parsley sprigs on the plates right before they were served to customers. Or at least that's what I caught him doing one evening when I went to pick up my order. And not that anything was wrong with his job, of course, because he did have one, but he had a bad habit of compulsively lying and living beyond his salary.
On weekends he could easily treat our friends to bottles of top shelf liquor, but on Mondays he couldn't even afford a gallon of regular gas for his foreign ride. But one particular Saturday night still remains vivid in my mind.
I had gone to bed while a few friends lingered after a get-together we'd hosted that evening. (Rude I know, but for me the party was over.) I awoke to a commotion – yelling and progressing footsteps – outside. I jumped out of bed and headed to the living room to see a bloody and bruised guest, and I witnessed this fool throw a blow to his guest's face. When he saw me, he acted like the ish was normal! I, on the other hand, was stunned.
“Get the gun!" he yelled.
The what?!
“And rope!" he continued. “He's going around telling people where I lay my head."
Fortunately for me and his friend, there was no gun. But unfortunately for the chef, I was out. It wasn't the life I had envisioned or even considered. This was not a man. He wanted to lead a “bad boy" lifestyle at 26 –mimicking Romello from Sugar Hill, albeit a poor one – while at 22, I strived to be a functioning post-collegiate adult who'd build with an actual grownup. I had no room in my budget – or kids for that matter – for weekly allowances or tolerance in my life for his real life boxing matches, so I made a speedy exit after a few months of moving in.
Yet I found myself in an eerily familiar place with the next guy but minus the wannabe baller and gangster mentality. However, he still wasn't “on my level," as my dear friends worded it. I was ambitious, spontaneous, and adventurous, and I remember excitedly telling him how I had just established an event-planning business since I was the go-to person for coordinating parties anyway. The best supportive answer he could muster was “Oh. Babysitting is a good business, too."
But I quickly remembered I was talking to someone who was sporadically unemployed because “the white man" didn't want him to get ahead, and he was also unreliable and stagnant with no goals other than daily drinking with the fellas. We were a definite mismatch, and so once again I was on to the next.
After my third consecutive relationship attempt and fail, I seriously questioned not only why did I keep attracting similar men, but also why did I keep entertaining them? My initial sentiments mirrored Halle's.
I thought, 'I can't get it right.' I was feeling heavy-hearted, embarrassed and ashamed. I thought, 'Surely it's my fault. I need help. This is not where I want to be. I should be somebody's wife.' I wanted to be a wife and mother.
Indeed I was embarrassed, too. There I was a college graduate with so much drive and promise yet I chased and accepted mediocrity when it came to men. I outright ignored girl-friendly advice and red flags because I was always too quick to jump right in and then found myself too ashamed to admit, “Ahh, I effed up with this one, too." Instead I'd respond, “I got this!" But I didn't.
In retrospect, I was caught up in the idea of being in a relationship. I wanted the superficial – an actual plus one on wedding invitations and couple's trips, and I wanted the general – a partnership, the intimacy, and eventually a family. And while I don't necessarily seek a provider, per se, I would like a protector as Halle mentioned: someone to “take care of us and serve us." But I was vague on the particulars that I wanted in the man such as formally-educated, well-traveled, respectful, and humorous because I thought that would land me in Build-a-Bear mode. However it was an older, married coworker-friend who told me that as women, we should always have a list of desired qualities and non-negotiables.
[Tweet "As women, we should always have a list of desired qualities and non-negotiables."]
One of my cousins has since said, “You're too picky," as if I prayed for tall, dark, and handsome, too, and admittedly I didn't want to be the type of person who dismissed another human because he doesn't fit a certain standard. But I've learned there's nothing wrong with being selective about the person with whom I want to be intimate and personal. There's someone for everybody, but not everyone is made for everybody.
I'm not vulnerable to the pressures to coupling up because everyone else already has or because I'm steadily getting older, either. I'm also immune to the third-wheel stigma. Sure I'll hang out if I'm interested, but I'm also down to roll solo because I've embarked on a different type of relationship, anyway – one that I'm building with myself. And one that will only attract and see an equally-yoked match.
My decision isn't predicated on some idea that I'm afraid of love, as some folks have alluded, but on the fact that I'm preparing for that sparkly, glittering, dynamite love through self-care, self-love, and self-reflection. I've taken some me time to do things that I enjoy, fulfilling needs the last ones couldn't supply, because the next man who comes along will only be an enhancement to an already enriched life and not a proverbial completion, detraction, or just another fail.
I write about lifestyle and women's health and wellness. When I'm not in front of a computer screen crafting stories, I'm in a kitchen crafting cocktails. Follow me on the 'gram @teronda.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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The Quiet Luxury Skincare Products A Beauty Writer Thinks Are Worth The Hype
Luxury has become TikTok’s new obsession. Long gone are the days when it was cool to wear that t-shirt with GUCCI labeled across the front. Nowadays, the girls are all about keeping their luxury items a secret. Only opting for clean and high-fashion pieces leaves nothing but a mystery to the mind. Now that quiet luxury fashion has established itself as the latest “it girl” of the season, it’s time for her to expand to other areas, like skincare. Quiet skincare is a rising trend that is soon to take over the summer.
Local drugstore and trendy skincare must move to the left because now it’s all about the fabulous life of luxury skincare. Think Prada, Gucci, and Dior, but on your face. Now that’s what I call a good time! Of course, as your fellow beauty writer, I have done the Lord's work and tested out plenty of luxury skincare products. It hasn’t been easy, and trust me, I’m exhausted, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
This is not the economy to mindlessly buy luxury skincare brands that will barely live up to the hype. Here are my recommendations for luxury skincare that are worth the hype and do what they say they’re going to do.
Tata Harper Clarifying Pore & Oil Control Cleanser with BHA & AHA
Sephora
Our skin and makeup will thrive by keeping our pores as happy as possible. Tata Harper's Clarifying Cleanser is guaranteed to put your pores in their place. This cleanser contains three key ingredients: pear flower enzymes, juniper fruit, and chlorella. Combining these ingredients helps promote exfoliation, oil balance, and soothe redness. I’ve enjoyed using this when those pesky breakouts come through, and my skin is calmer. A gentle clearing cleanser is all you need to invest your money in.
Dr. Barbra Sturm Face Mask
Dr. Barbara Sturm
Before we begin to apply the best of the best of skincare, we must prep our skin. The Dr. Barbara Sturm Face Mask is packed with nutrients to give your skin the supple hydration it deserves. I truly enjoyed using this face mask after my routine deep pore cleansing face mask - no, it’s not luxury, but it is to my pores. It’s safe to say that this face mask is best for all skin types and will have your skin glowing all day long. Aloe vera, known for its hydration and clearing properties, is the main ingredient in this product. After a few usages, I have noticed a massive difference in hyperpigmentation and hydration.
La Mer The Concentrate
This serum is going to cost you a coin. The product is set at a whopping $440. I can try multiple beauty products through brand PR packages as a beauty writer. I tried this popular serum with a small sample I inherited. Sometimes, a sample is all a girl needs to live a rich auntie lifestyle. The serum had my skin looking as incredible as the aftermath of a fresh facial appointment. This product aims to take all your money and rebuild your skin barrier. A secret miracle concentrate is packed into each bottle to enrich your skin. It also contains antioxidants that protect the skin from inflammation and environmental stressors.
Lancôme Absolue Soft Cream Revitalizing & Brightening Moisturizer
Lancôme
Bring your skin back to life with the Lancôme Absolue Soft Cream Moisturizer. Few brightening creams catch my attention, but this one has my heart. Shea butter is one of the key ingredients, along with vitamin E. I am convinced these ingredients have played a massive role in the deep hydration of my skin and the radiance I have experienced with this product. Although this item will cost you $165, a little goes a long way with this product. Shea butter is exceptionally moisturizing and shouldn’t be used with a heavy hand.
Dr. Barbara Sturm Under Eye Cream
Dr. Barbara Sturm is back at it, stealing our wallets one product at a time. Her undereye cream is an exception in terms of skincare. Are you crying at your job? This undereye cream has got you covered! This product is praised for reducing redness and dark undereye shadows, smoothing, and firming while protecting the skin barrier. I’ve used this product on good and bad days and found the consistency is similar to the face mask previously mentioned—hydrating, supple, and enriching.
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Featured image by GoodLifeStudio/Getty Images