I'm No Longer Dating Boys...I Only Date Myself
If I was graded on the subject of dating and relationships as it pertains to my love life, I'd surely receive an F.
But at least I'd get a “B+" for the freedom of keeping that information private. I can't imagine having to live and relive my relationship woes under public scrutiny like celebrities such as Halle Berry does.
She has had a few aha! moments regarding her marriages and has spoke on them:
“I looked at the part that I played and looked at the part the men I had married played. I had chosen boys. I wanted to do grown up things, but I was not with a grown up."
[Tweet "I wanted to do grown up things, but the men I married were not grown up."]
Although she accepts some of the blame, these internet streets still insist that since she's the common denominator, she must be the sole problem. In fact with her beauty and her perceived ability to snag any man she wants, she must be unstable and crazy.
Perhaps they forgot to add “in love."
Halle and Gabrielle
I'm compelled to remind them that plain ol' crazy is rather a harsh word, not to mention beauty doesn't exempt anyone from heartbreak, and Halle isn't the only one who's been repeatedly unlucky in romance. As a grown woman, I also encountered my fair share of “boys," and while I didn't marry any of them, I did live with one.
I don't even know how dude was approved for that modern apartment or his BMW especially since he didn't have the resources to maintain either one. He claimed to be a chef for an Italian chain, but I soon discovered that his cooking skills could've used some spice from the Culinary Institute of America. And the random paycheck stub I found only proved that he was indeed the dude who sprinkled parsley sprigs on the plates right before they were served to customers. Or at least that's what I caught him doing one evening when I went to pick up my order. And not that anything was wrong with his job, of course, because he did have one, but he had a bad habit of compulsively lying and living beyond his salary.
On weekends he could easily treat our friends to bottles of top shelf liquor, but on Mondays he couldn't even afford a gallon of regular gas for his foreign ride. But one particular Saturday night still remains vivid in my mind.
I had gone to bed while a few friends lingered after a get-together we'd hosted that evening. (Rude I know, but for me the party was over.) I awoke to a commotion – yelling and progressing footsteps – outside. I jumped out of bed and headed to the living room to see a bloody and bruised guest, and I witnessed this fool throw a blow to his guest's face. When he saw me, he acted like the ish was normal! I, on the other hand, was stunned.
“Get the gun!" he yelled.
The what?!
“And rope!" he continued. “He's going around telling people where I lay my head."
Fortunately for me and his friend, there was no gun. But unfortunately for the chef, I was out. It wasn't the life I had envisioned or even considered. This was not a man. He wanted to lead a “bad boy" lifestyle at 26 –mimicking Romello from Sugar Hill, albeit a poor one – while at 22, I strived to be a functioning post-collegiate adult who'd build with an actual grownup. I had no room in my budget – or kids for that matter – for weekly allowances or tolerance in my life for his real life boxing matches, so I made a speedy exit after a few months of moving in.
Yet I found myself in an eerily familiar place with the next guy but minus the wannabe baller and gangster mentality. However, he still wasn't “on my level," as my dear friends worded it. I was ambitious, spontaneous, and adventurous, and I remember excitedly telling him how I had just established an event-planning business since I was the go-to person for coordinating parties anyway. The best supportive answer he could muster was “Oh. Babysitting is a good business, too."
But I quickly remembered I was talking to someone who was sporadically unemployed because “the white man" didn't want him to get ahead, and he was also unreliable and stagnant with no goals other than daily drinking with the fellas. We were a definite mismatch, and so once again I was on to the next.
After my third consecutive relationship attempt and fail, I seriously questioned not only why did I keep attracting similar men, but also why did I keep entertaining them? My initial sentiments mirrored Halle's.
I thought, 'I can't get it right.' I was feeling heavy-hearted, embarrassed and ashamed. I thought, 'Surely it's my fault. I need help. This is not where I want to be. I should be somebody's wife.' I wanted to be a wife and mother.
Indeed I was embarrassed, too. There I was a college graduate with so much drive and promise yet I chased and accepted mediocrity when it came to men. I outright ignored girl-friendly advice and red flags because I was always too quick to jump right in and then found myself too ashamed to admit, “Ahh, I effed up with this one, too." Instead I'd respond, “I got this!" But I didn't.
In retrospect, I was caught up in the idea of being in a relationship. I wanted the superficial – an actual plus one on wedding invitations and couple's trips, and I wanted the general – a partnership, the intimacy, and eventually a family. And while I don't necessarily seek a provider, per se, I would like a protector as Halle mentioned: someone to “take care of us and serve us." But I was vague on the particulars that I wanted in the man such as formally-educated, well-traveled, respectful, and humorous because I thought that would land me in Build-a-Bear mode. However it was an older, married coworker-friend who told me that as women, we should always have a list of desired qualities and non-negotiables.
[Tweet "As women, we should always have a list of desired qualities and non-negotiables."]
One of my cousins has since said, “You're too picky," as if I prayed for tall, dark, and handsome, too, and admittedly I didn't want to be the type of person who dismissed another human because he doesn't fit a certain standard. But I've learned there's nothing wrong with being selective about the person with whom I want to be intimate and personal. There's someone for everybody, but not everyone is made for everybody.
I'm not vulnerable to the pressures to coupling up because everyone else already has or because I'm steadily getting older, either. I'm also immune to the third-wheel stigma. Sure I'll hang out if I'm interested, but I'm also down to roll solo because I've embarked on a different type of relationship, anyway – one that I'm building with myself. And one that will only attract and see an equally-yoked match.
My decision isn't predicated on some idea that I'm afraid of love, as some folks have alluded, but on the fact that I'm preparing for that sparkly, glittering, dynamite love through self-care, self-love, and self-reflection. I've taken some me time to do things that I enjoy, fulfilling needs the last ones couldn't supply, because the next man who comes along will only be an enhancement to an already enriched life and not a proverbial completion, detraction, or just another fail.
I write about lifestyle and women's health and wellness. When I'm not in front of a computer screen crafting stories, I'm in a kitchen crafting cocktails. Follow me on the 'gram @teronda.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
Courtesy
I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
Courtesy
That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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