When You Are Battling Body Shame In The Bedroom, Remember This
There comes a time in every grown woman's life when she finds herself in the middle of an unexpected sex session.
Unfortunately for many of us, the sex that catches us by surprise will look more like a Saturday night Live skit starring Maya Rudolph than a sweaty Paula Patton character returning from the gym with Michael Ealy waiting on her for some intense make up sex. This was the topic of conversation a few happy hours ago when my girls and I discussed what to do when good sex catches you off guard.
“You dip out to the bathroom real quick ‘Whitley Gilbert’ style to get it together and hope the lights are out or he’s half asleep when you come out.”
“Try your best to hold on to her (the wig) and hope she makes it through the ride with you.”
“Getting under the covers is key. Once that happens that fool can’t tell the difference between Frederick’s and Fruit of the Loom.”
Whether your husband catches you before you can undo your twist out or you’ve decided within the first 5 minutes of your date that you'll be grabbing your ankles for the faux Boris Kodjoe sitting across from you, what's a girl and her waist trainer to do?
The last thing you want to do is ask a man to give you five minutes to pin down your lace front or pull a Houdini move getting undressed under the covers so he won't see your stretch marks.
That's not exactly "setting the mood" now is it?
Between waist trainers, lace front wigs and just general body insecurity, my friends and I were surprised to discover there's a whole lot of people who have gotten creative to avoid baring it all in front of a partner when they felt like they weren't bringing their best to the bedroom. I’m sure some women have bounced around the house in their birthday suit in front of their boyfriends without a care in the world that the “hedges aren’t trimmed” but how many of us are still hiding under the covers or bolting for the light switch when your man is unexpectedly in the mood. After having a c-section last year, my hormones were all over the place and with my newborn I barely found the time to shower most days, let alone do my hair. My sexual self-confidence took a hit and there were times I found myself too self-conscious to enjoy sex with my husband.
[Tweet "There comes a point where we have to accept our flaws in the flesh, literally."]
Life happens and in between pregnancy, losing and gaining weight and embarrassing birthmarks there’s something to be said about loving the skin you’re in both in and out the bedroom. It’s easy to have high self-esteem when you’re out in the world with your waist snatched and the winged-eyeliner no one knows took you a half hour to perfect, but your sexual self-confidence can take a hit when the clothes come off and you can no longer hide behind that extra help.
If worrying about your wig, your weight and everything in between is getting in the way of your sexual self-confidence, here are a few things to keep in mind:
1. He's probably more nervous than you are.
While you're sweating some unshaved legs there's a chance homeboy is worrying about his own performance and how long he can he can last too much to care about you skipping the Nair. Sex for the first few times is all about learning what gets your partner off, how high their freak flag flies and seeing how your partner reacts to you without your clothes on. But the good news is that sexual chemistry isn’t all about perfection as much as it as pure attraction.
It’s complicated.
You know how Drake said, “Sweat pants, hair tied, chillin' with no make-up on…”? The very things you’re the most self-conscious about may be what gets him going.
2. You're probably more worried about your wig than he is.
I’ve always felt like morning sex is the absolute worst. I’m the absolute worst version of myself before ten and “sunrise” service has never quite been my thing.
I’m groggy, I need to brush my teeth and most importantly my wig is probably lying next to me which means I’m not feeling the slightest bit sexy. Nonetheless you can’t tell my husband that I’m not workin’ a satin bonnet like Rihanna pulling a double-shift at Walmart during the holidays. There’s something special that comes with any long-term relationship, and honestly any man that’s really into you knows that you have the potential to be a 10 even if you’re feeling like a 5. If a little lace front is enough to make or break the mood, maybe he’s not the man for you.
[Tweet "Any man that’s really into you knows that you have the potential to be a 10 even if you’re feeling like a 5"]
3. He's not perfect either.
When it comes to being self-conscious in the bedroom, I think part of the reason is that we give men too much credit. Men are socialized to be more confident and usually there’s an implied message with them of the more unkempt the better. I mean, think about it. How many commercials have you seen that sell the ultimate sex symbol as a guy who’s rocking 5 o’clock shadow, with grease on his hands as he’s bent over in the summer sun sweating under the hood of a Mustang?
Exactly!
Bet you don’t see his behind running for the bathroom to get it together before he gets some. The point is men have insecurities as well and don’t always look the most polished or put together, but somehow that works to their advantage. You’re not the only one worried about everything falling apart during foreplay. Rest assured that even though homeboy may seem like he’s not phased, he secretly may worry if you’re into his dad bod, his crooked toes or his uneven hairline.
4. There's no Photoshop in Kim K's bedroom either.
Just keep in mind that no matter how mind-blowing Kim K.’s hip to waist ration is or no matter how retouched Amber Rose’s backside looks on Instagram, there is no Mayfair filter in the bedroom. When it gets down to the real deal we all have dimples in our booties, a random roadmap of stretch marks, or maybe even a c-section scar. If we all tripped on a birthmark or two shaped like Plankton from Spongebob, none of us would be getting any.
5. Good sex gets messy.
I always say if you’re not leaving the room with a loose track or two or an eyelash hanging on for dear life, you’re not doing something right. But seriously, being preoccupied with looking perfect during sex will totally distract you from what you came to do. The best sex happens when partners are focused on pleasing one another and not putting on a show.
Sex is just about as much as taking all your clothes off as it is about revealing how you feel on the inside, which means that no matter how "sexy" you may appear your confidence gets magnified in the bedroom. Sharing a moment of intimacy with someone, as difficult as it may be means revealing and dealing with your insecurities. Many of us cover or hide what we feel the most insecure about instinctively whether it means we're constantly fixing our hair or choosing positions that will downplay our "difficult" areas. When you're pre-occupied with how your boobs look without the extra lift of a push up bra, it can prevent you from truly connecting with your partner. The battle with body shame is something you need to conquer way before the bedroom and long before the clothes comes off.
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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