How I Learned To Be At Peace With Not Having It All Together
We're all pretenders, you know. As I walk around with a smile on my face and a timeline of poppin' Instagram photos, I often secretly carry a burden of feeling left behind on the success train. Can you relate?
Although you still have large goals and visions, the daily struggle to stay positive when your situation isn't changing is quite draining. One day you're killing it, but the next day you're sitting in a dark room, wondering what went wrong with your life. It's a constant rollercoaster ride of doubt, anxiousness, and fear and you're ready to hop off immediately.
This has been my biggest struggle after college. I have constantly battled with the crazy emotions of not feeling good enough to experience the life I desperately want.
When I look at my favorite role models, they make it look so easy. “Just grind and be patient," I read in interviews or hear during their acceptance speeches. And as motivating as it is to see them and my peers thriving around me, I feel stuck and overwhelmed.
I want you to know that you are not alone. So many people struggle with the fear of wasting their life away without accomplishing their dreams.
But there's light at the end of this tunnel. Yes, you may have not totally “arrived" yet, but there are so many life-changing lessons you can experience along the journey. Since we all want to win at this adulting life game, here are nine incredible ways to feel happy and successful without having it all together.
Enjoy the journey
First things first, you are never going to make it to your destination.
If you study the greats in any field most will say that “making it" is a huge myth. True success comes to those who consistently strive to improve themselves.
Think about your favorite one hit wonders. They changed the world with their song but when the fame hit, they lost focus and threw away the opportunity to really be something big.
Success is not measured by the wins but by the ability to sustain them once you get there. You may hit some major goals down the road but you will always run into a bigger vision that requires you to push even further.
Get Clear About Your Intentions
I've found that when I feel off track it's because I am not clear on the goals I'm trying to achieve. I was not only lost in the sauce with finding purpose but also lost in understanding who I was after college. A powerful exercise I started doing was writing three pages of my thoughts every morning. No matter if it sucked, I pushed past my rebellion to always get the three pages done.
What I found woven between those lines was my true and authentic self. I discovered my passions and what gives me fear. Understanding who I was and letting go of the need to force an answer drastically changed my struggle. Relax, get some thoughts on paper, and uncover what really makes your heart flutter.
Take Needed Breaks From Your Family and Friends
We value our family and friends' opinions more than anyone else. It's why we text them pictures of potential baes or beg them to start a new workout plan. These relationships are very important but they also have the biggest potential to discourage us when we are fighting for our dreams. It's not that they are trying to be hurtful, but many times they can only see the vision from their own eyes.
I had to realize that what God told me is not meant for everyone to understand. When I am struggling with self-confidence or confusion, I often try to make my life as quiet as possible so that I can hear the next direction. Silent the noise. They will be okay, I promise.
Passionately Work On a Side Project
Studies show that most millionaires are ballin' because they have multiple sources of income. When we get caught up in the security of our post-grad jobs, we often abandon what we love for a steady check. But the more we deny our real selves, the more lost and insecure we feel.
You were made to create. Find ways to exercise that characteristic by indulging in a side hustle. From starting a blog, doing makeovers for cancer patients, or even joining a book club, making time for your thing will burst open the doors to finding your purpose. Personality tests like Meyers-Briggs have helped with identifying what I love to do.
Take Notes From The Successful
Energy is transferable so take advantage of it by following people that truly inspire you. No this doesn't mean replicate someone's idea but it does mean to study their habits. I often watch interviews or read how someone got started before they became successful. Incorporating techniques that worked for them into your empire-building will help to create a road map that won't have you feeling lost.
In addition, go to conferences where boss women attend. Just being in the room will change your perspective and inspire you to keep going.
Get Schooled By Someone Older
We like to run to our peers or Youtube gurus for advice but some of the most valuable wisdom comes from the elderly adults in our lives. Try sitting down with a grandparent or visit a senior citizen home and listen to their advice. This is powerful because it often reveals many risks they didn't take that they wish they would have.
Let Go of “The Best Four Years of Your Life"
The message that college is going to be the best four years of your life is such a trap to stay stuck in the past. In order to be content with the journey, you have to let go of the highlight reels of undergrad life. During this season, you are going through major inner transformation from who you used to be and you won't fully embrace that if you continue to hold on to old memories.
Identify Your Bad Habits
Here's a hard truth - you still have habits that suck. It's not that no one will give you an opportunity, it's that you haven't learned to handle the current blessings you have. Take some paper and write down every bad habit you still entertain. Big ones for me were work tardiness, not keeping my word and procrastination. Draw a line down the middle and write the habit that's opposite. So, for example, a good habit to replace tardiness is picking a new time to leave my house every morning. Practicing new habits will be a challenge but they will help you step your game up and feel more confident.
Document Your Wins
Whether it's a picture, nice email from your boss, or a text saying that you inspired someone, keep your wins close to you. You can create an album in your phone or folder on the computer to save them. Having easy access to these will give you a get your life boost when you start to sink into the struggle woes.
I don't know about you but I want to know what freedom looks like. This requires me to release the need for pretending that everything is okay.
Learn that being uncomfortable is a powerful place to be in.
No, you won't let your family down and no it all won't make sense. But one of our greatest setbacks is using our struggles as an excuse to stay the same.
Your journey is begging to stretch you, challenge you and shine light to the areas that you need to develop.
So stay the course. The world is waiting for you.
Alaina Curry is a Las Vegas publicist, freelance writer and owner of her website The Glow Up, a post-grad survival blog for the lit and educated. Embracing the raggedy moments of adulthood, she is always looking to push the narrative of loving your truth and chasing your dreams. You can follow her on Instagram or Twitter at @hotlaina_.
Featured image by Getty Images
- Having It All—and Hating It - The Atlantic ›
- When You Don't Have It All Together – Thrive Global ›
- The Myth Of 'Having It All Together' | HuffPost ›
- What "having it all together" really looks like ›
- 7 Secrets Of People Who Have It All Together ›
- Be Honest: You Don't Have It All Together | WomenLeaders.com ›
Alaina is a Las Vegas freelance writer and founder of the website GlowSZN, a post-grad survival blog for the lit and educated. Embracing the raggedy moments of adulthood, she is always looking to push the narrative of growth in God, becoming financially free and owning your truth in your 20's. You can follow her on Instagram or Twitter at @hotlaina_.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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6 Spring Events To Boost Your Professional And Social Networks
When spring arrives, we all want to be outside, looking fabulous, and back to socializing. And now is the perfect time to add a few great events to your calendar to get you through the quarter in order to make new friends, build new partnerships, and talk new opportunities to level up.
Spring is a high season for networking and social events for Black women, with many organizations and event entrepreneurs booking prime locations and offering dynamic experiences that you can maximize in whatever way possible. Write down your goals, and get out there. Start with a few of these events between now and the start of summer:
New Orleans Jazz And Heritage Festival, April 23 - May 3
The New Orleans Jazz And Heritage Festival is a 10-day event held over two weekends, bringing together thousands of musicians, craftspeople, and food lovers to share in common threads of culture in the heart of New Orleans. You'll get to enjoy works by artisans local to Louisiana as well as from across the U.S. and around the world.
Black Food Truck Festival, April 26-28
Hosted in Charleston, S.C., the Black Food Truck Festival includes an opening party, access to more than two dozen food truck vendors, and a time to workout with other attendees. Charleston has long been known as a Southern foodie destination, with global recognition due to James Beard-awarded chefs heading popular restaurants there and a renewed focus on Gullah and Geechee culture and food in the region. And what better conversation ice-breaker than to talk about food with a new acquaintance?
Black Women's Mental Health Conference, May 4
Hosted by New York University, this is a one-day event to tackle issues of mental wellness and health that uniquely affect Black women and girls. The keynote speaker for this year is Kim Young, MSW, LCSW, founder of Dope Black Social Worker® and host of the podcast Revolutionary Hoodrat, and leading licensed professionals in the field will offer their insights and share their experiences. And, of course, no college-led event is without time blocked specifically for networking.
Strength of a Woman Festival, May 11-12
Anything with Mary J. Blige headlining or leading is a win, especially if we're talking about women's empowerment and enjoyment. This event will be held in New York City, and beyond the performances from some of our favorites like Muni Long, Jill Scott, and The Clark Sisters, there will be a Gospel Brunch. And even if you're not able to attend or concerts aren't your thing, just being in the city during that time will mean you're bound to run into plenty of other women to network with at local bars and restaurants nearby.
Carefree Black Girl Cookout, May 4
Held in the Queen City, Charlotte, N.C., this is a day festival amplifying the voices and brands of Black women entrepreneurs, artists, and creatives. There will be vendors, glam and beauty bars, and complimentary meals for the first hour (according to the platform's website). They're hosting another cookout in Philadelphia on May 25.
Black Women Leading Live, May 13-16
Touted as an “intimate retreat + conference,” this Virginia Beach, VA event will be held on a resort and is offering a professional development experience led by Laura Knights, founder of the Black Woman Leading® program and podcast. It’s an ideal fit if you’re a mid-level or senior professional, as the topics and approach are set to cater to those levels of career experience, with coaches and speakers pouring into attendees with a holistic approach.
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Featured image by PIKSEL/Getty Images