Janese Talton-Jackson Was Killed Because She Said 'No'; Why I Will Continue to Say 'No'
I have a boyfriend.
Well I actually don’t, but that’s what I used to tell men who refused to accept I didn’t want to be bothered even after I politely turned them down. It was a lie that I’m not proud of – mainly because I prefer to be honest – but I was afraid of what could happen if I declined their advances. However, I soon learned that means nothing to someone who won’t accept “no” for an answer.
I had been living in my last apartment for nearly four years when one of the groundskeepers started lurking around my building. Every morning I’d see him poking in the shrubbery and mulch. I recall thinking, Damn, didn’t he just prune those bushes yesterday and the day before that? And when I would stop at the complex’s dumpster, I’d spot him driving over to the trash site in his golf cart hauling stray twigs as I descended the stairs. His behavior annoyed and unsettled me, but I didn’t want to appear paranoid so I ignored that gut feeling that tells you something is amiss.
One day he got up the nerve to invite me to dinner at his place.
“No thank you,” I replied.
But he only tried to entice me with promises of authentic African food like that would change my mind. However, I wasn’t impressed by his self-proclaimed cooking skills, and the more he insisted, the more my responses moved along the spectrum from nice to not-quite-nasty.
“My friend is from Sierra Leone, and she cooks the best ‘African’ food,” I retort. “I’m good.”
I told my friends at work that the maintenance guy was trying to make me dine at his apartment.
“Well, is he cute?” they ask.
I was appalled that his actions were excusable based solely on his looks or that I should automatically say, “Yes!” if he’s attractive. It still didn’t mean he was safe, and he was still a stranger even if I did run into him every day all across the premises. But they also seemed to miss an entire point: If a woman says she’s not interested, then that’s exactly what she means. She isn’t overreacting, and she shouldn’t relent to pressure based on a superficial trait like appearance. So I didn’t mention it to anyone else. Not my family or the guy I was seeing. I didn’t even tell the property manager, and that was partly because if he was fired, he’d still know where I lived, which wasn’t in a gated community or a secured building. The last thing I needed was to find him outside my door.
I thought he’d give up once he saw my guy walk me down the steps one morning. He didn’t look up, didn’t even whisper a “good morning.” But the idea that I was with someone only encouraged him to become bolder in his approach. The groundskeeper called me one afternoon, only I never gave him my number! He didn’t even have my full name! The only explanation I could come up with was he went to the main office and looked me up with whatever little bit of information he had. I felt violated because my file held a wealth of personal information: my social security number, birth date, employer, emergency contact.
Over lunch the next day, I told a male friend what had happened. “You know he can access your apartment at any time,” my friend cautions before launching into another warning on hidden cameras.
That was enough to prompt a conversation with the property manager, but it didn’t make me feel any more at ease. In fact I felt less comfortable than the two times men chased me in a car and a Penske truck – just a few months ago for the latter mind you – on busy streets as I traveled home. Both times I had to speed and run red lights to elude them because I didn’t want them to know where I rested my head at night. This fool, on the other hand, already did!
I remember these events as I read about Janese Talton-Jackson, the 29-year-old mother of three who was recently gunned down outside of a Pittsburgh bar by a man whose advances she rejected inside the establishment. For whatever reason, she wasn’t interested – and that is her absolute right. Yet her shooter still felt he could take her life because she turned him down. It was a senseless act predicated on the assumed entitlement to our time and bodies. The rationalization must be that we should feel lucky and flattered to receive male attention, but we just don’t admit it because we’re too coy or playing hard to get. It’s equally upsetting when other women think the same way and fault us for not engaging with the man anyway.
But the truth is we’re just not that into every man. We aren’t obligated to entertain anyone if we don’t want to, and anything a man offers beyond the initial “no” is simply unwanted. And we won’t accept for blame for the way men process rejection.
[Tweet "We aren’t obligated to entertain anyone if we don’t want to."]
I shouldn’t feel compelled to lie, flee, duck, and hide from guys who think persistence is sexy. I shouldn’t have to assuage egos, either, and say, “I’m seeing someone,” which is perceived to be gentler than the harsh “I’m not interested” to avoid any repercussions. I shouldn’t have to hand out fake names and numbers to get a guy out of my presence. And Janese Talton-Jackson shouldn’t have had to exit a bar, looking over her shoulder and peeping around corners because she expressed disinterest. We should be able to simply say, “No, thank you” and not fear that we’re going to be stalked or killed in return.
I write about lifestyle and women's health and wellness. When I'm not in front of a computer screen crafting stories, I'm in a kitchen crafting cocktails. Follow me on the 'gram @teronda.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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The Power Of Your Big 3: Understanding The Astrological Significance You Hold
Explore your sign’s 2024 horoscope predictions to learn what is in store for you this year in love, career, and more. Check out the love compatibility of each sign to learn more about zodiac pairings and all things compatibility.
Astrology has become even more mainstream and a phenomenon than it ever has in the past. We have gone beyond the, “What’s your sign?” and have moved into “What’s your big 3?” seemingly overnight, and rightly so due to the significance of knowing these important details. Your Big 3 in Astrology represents your sun sign, your moon sign, and your rising sign.
This trifecta is thought to be one of the most significant details of your birth chart and gives you and others more of a full-picture look at who you are beyond just your sun sign.
What Does Your Big 3 In Astrology Say About You?
Knowing your big 3 is important, especially if you are someone who has never really resonated with your sun sign. You read about what it means to be an Aries, but may not align with what you see or your experience with other Aries. Meanwhile, the whole time, you have a Libra rising, the complete opposite sign of Aries, and this is why you have always seen yourself as a more laid-back and less confrontational Aries.
Elements hold a key role in your birth chart and having a big 3 where the elements are all compatible or the same often signifies someone who knows who they are and is comfortable in their skin. Whereas someone with a different element for each part of their big 3 may have challenges with identity or defining who they are or how they want to present themselves. It’s a different type of perspective when looking into your big 3, and it helps you see where your strengths and needs are in life, and how to tap more into this potential.
Your Big 3 In Astrology Explained
Your big 3 can help you navigate life by understanding which part of you comes out more in different circumstances. At home, you are most like your moon sign, when you are out and about, you are most like your rising sign. Whether you are at home or out and about, your goals, purpose, and interests are most like your sun sign.
You can find out what your big 3 is by looking up a ‘Birth Chart Calculator’ on your search engine, typing in your birthday details (you will need to know your birth date, location, and the exact time you were born), and generating your birth chart.
Read below for your sun, moon, and rising signs.
YOUR SUN SIGN
Your sun sign represents the core of you and what motivates you to shine and be your best self. This is your personality, goals, purpose, identity, ego, interests, direction, and where you light up in life.
FIRE SUN (Aries Sun, Leo Sun, Sagittarius Sun)
If you are an Aries sun, a Leo sun, or a Sagittarius sun, you are outgoing, confident, fearless, and in tune with yourself and your personal goals and desires in life. You go after the things you want, and you are not afraid to take up space. You are someone who prefers to be more independent, and you are often in more leadership roles in life.
EARTH SUN (Taurus Sun, Virgo Sun, Capricorn Sun)
If you are a Taurus sun, a Virgo sun, or a Capricorn sun, you are grounded, dependable, loyal, hard-working, and logical. You prefer the finer things in life but also work hard to get where you are. You are someone others feel they can rely on, and you are often a support for other people in your life. You are very connected to the material sides of life, and have a gift for manifesting.
AIR SUN (Gemini Sun, Libra Sun, Aquarius Sun)
If you are a Gemini sun, a Libra sun, or an Aquarius sun, you are light-hearted, free-flowing, intelligent, and communicative. You speak what is on your mind, and you love to connect and communicate with others. People know you for the things you say and your out-of-the-box ideas, and you are someone who is open-minded and provides a safe space for people to be authentically themselves.
WATER SUN (Cancer Sun, Scorpio Sun, Pisces Sun)
If you are a Cancer sun, a Scorpio sun, or a Pisces sun, you are thoughtful, generous, emotional, loving, and compassionate. You care deeply about the people you love, and you are always there for others. You may be more emotional than most, and this is due to your strong intuition and open heart. You are creative, inspiring, and motivated towards connection in life.
YOUR MOON SIGN
Your moon sign represents your emotions. This is the way you express yourself emotionally, how you process your emotions, what you need in love, what makes you feel safe and nurtured, your desires, intuition, your inner world, and what’s going on beneath the surface.
FIRE MOON (Aries Moon, Leo Moon, Sagittarius Moon)
If you are an Aries moon, a Leo moon, or a Sagittarius moon, you are someone who is not afraid to communicate your emotions or how you are feeling, and you can feel your emotions from a mile away. You are confident in yourself and are someone who stands up for what you feel is right. You have a strong need to be seen and heard in your relationships, and a certain type of understanding is needed for you to emotionally thrive. You may have some challenges with anger or high energy and are working through emotional impulses in this lifetime.
EARTH MOON (Taurus Moon, Virgo Moon, Capricorn Moon)
If you are a Taurus moon, a Virgo moon, or a Capricorn moon, you are someone who is emotionally grounded, safe, comforting, and logical. You aren’t overly emotional and may not show your emotions to people much at all, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have them. You think before you speak, and you process your emotions before acting on them, and you tend to be more down-to-earth and understanding when it comes to other people’s emotional worlds as well. You are someone people go to when they need someone to talk to you as you are a very good listener.
AIR MOON (Gemini Moon, Libra Moon, Aquarius Moon)
If you are a Gemini moon, a Libra moon, or an Aquarius moon, you are someone who is fun, outgoing, and emotionally open-minded. You don’t like heavy emotions or too much emotional drama, and you tend to be more go-with-the-flow in this area of your life. Good conversation and mutual understanding are very important to you in your relationships and you want funny banter and inspiration in your connections with others.
WATER MOON (Cancer Moon, Scorpio Moon, Pisces Moon)
If you are a Cancer moon, a Scorpio moon, or a Pisces moon, you are someone who lives by their heart and values your emotional world deeply. You crave a deep type of intimacy in your partnerships and you need a partner who is going to give you that type of emotional connection. You are more private with your emotional world and you tend to hold a lot in, but this can often lead to sudden outbursts as well. Overall, you are the definition of emotion and others learn a lot from you on what it means to love and to feel.
YOUR ASCENDANT (RISING SIGN)
Your ascendant sign represents your perception and the energy you put out into the world. This is the way you come across to others, the way you express yourself, your physical traits and aesthetics, how you manifest, society, and what you expect from the world around you.
FIRE ASCENDANT (Aries Rising, Leo Rising, Sagittarius Rising)
If you are an Aries rising, a Leo rising, or a Sagittarius rising, you come across to others as confident, bold, and stylish. You are known for the way you look or the way you present yourself, and you are usually adorned in bright colors or wearing something that others take a lot of notice of. You are someone who walks into a room, and all eyes are on you, and you love that. You want to be on the move and on the go, and you love to show up in the world exactly as you are today. You see the world with a lot of possibilities and like it's yours to have fun and enjoy yourself in.
EARTH ASCENDANT (Taurus Rising, Virgo Rising, Capricorn Rising)
If you are a Taurus rising, a Virgo rising, or a Capricorn rising, you come across to others as responsible, beautiful, natural, and dependable. You are a hard worker, and you may be known for your career or the work that you do. You are someone who walks into a room and people feel an immediate sense of comfort and like you are someone they can trust. You have strong values and goals, and you are someone who knows what they want. People love to be around your down-to-earth energy, and you make others feel safe and grounded.
AIR ASCENDANT (Gemini Rising, Libra Rising, Aquarius Rising)
If you are a Gemini rising, a Libra rising, or an Aquarius rising, you come across to others as outgoing, friendly, and talkative. You see the world as a place to learn, connect, and be inspired, and you are on a quest for knowledge and understanding. You connect with people from all walks of life, and you tend to have a pretty open-minded and unique friend group. You care a lot about your style and aesthetic and always strive to be authentically you wherever you are. You can talk to people for hours and are often meeting new people and making new friends wherever you go.
WATER ASCENDANT (Cancer Rising, Scorpio Rising, Pisces Rising)
If you are a Cancer rising, a Scorpio rising, or a Pisces rising, you navigate life through the lens of your emotions, and you are deeply connected to the undercurrents of life. You are ruled by your emotions, and this side of you is not something you can keep hidden away easily. You get emotional when you think about society and others at large, and you want to be known for the kind and sincere person you are. When you walk into a room, you feel other people's energy right away and are highly empathic and intuitive.
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