Melanie Fiona Shares Her Emotional Birthing Experience
If there’s anything that makes you realize how little control you actually have in this life, it’s giving birth to a child.
Before I became a mother in 2014, my body was as predictable as a Love and Hip Hop hook up with a menstrual cycle I could time on a clock and a body weight that hadn’t changed much since high school. Luckily, most of the changes I experienced during my pregnancy were mild, but there were days in my first trimester where I thought I could skip breakfast only to end up light-headed not long after 11 am while trying to make it through my Monday morning commute. At a time when friends, family and co-workers told me to take it easy I thought I could still squeeze through tight doorways despite carrying a bulging belly on my 120 pound frame. I tried to lift crates of juice boxes for our after-school programs at work and even tried giving myself a pedicure late in my last trimester because there was no way my OB/GYN was going to see me with jacked up toes on delivery day. As excited as I was for motherhood a very big part of me was terrified of how much my body and my whole life was quickly becoming unfamiliar and how fast it was all changing. But as much as motherhood will make or break you, it most definitely will change you. More than anything, it SHOULD change you.
In a refreshingly honest video blog she names “It’s Time To Tell The Truth”, singer Melanie Fiona revealed the emotional challenge of dealing with a birth plan that never came to be when giving birth to son, Cameron this past March. “I thought I was doing everything right,” she pleads through tears as she talks about being emotionally, mentally and physically prepared to give birth naturally only to end up having an emergency c-section due to a rare onset of preeclampsia that took place during her labor.
“I had to deal with feelings of disappointment and feeling like a failure.”“I felt like my body failed me. And I wasn’t prepared for that.”
Melanie wipes away tears when revealing the disappointment that came from pressures that I feel many women place on themselves as well as those projected by the media. With social media giving us more and more access to the personal lives of celebs and our peers alike, we’re able to witness Draya Michele pull her son from her womb during birth or see singer Omarion share a tub with girlfriend, Apryl while she gives birth naturally at home. Unfortunately so much insight into others’ birth experiences can distract us from the beauty of our own birth stories and build fantasies of what pregnancy, birth, motherhood and even what our post-baby bodies should look like.
Fiona also emphasizes the importance of having a supportive partner to help keep things in perspective in the heat of the moment when she felt like she was losing all control:
“It just came to a point where Jared had to come in, one on one, and look at me and take my hand and look me in the eyes and say, ‘I have to leave the hospital with both of you.’ And until that moment I did not recognize how real and severe my situation was. I had never even thought I would find myself in that position.”
She goes on to speak about how she thought she had prepared well and done everything right from doing yoga and eating healthy during her pregnancy only for things to take such an unpredictable turn in the delivery room. She recounts depending on partner, Jared, and how difficult it was to deal with being unable to jump immediately back into motherhood, balancing career, family and self-care:
“It’s still taking me time to process who I am now and who I am becoming. I just think that’s something we don’t talk about enough.”
Fiona also gives some insight on how blindsided she felt when having to detour from her original birth plan with no warning of the “What if’s” that could happen or a chance to make peace with a Plan B. It reminds me about some very solid advice a nurse friend of mine shared regarding my pregnancy, “Do your nurse a favor and save her a step by throwing your birth plan in the trash.” As harsh as that may sound, it was one of the best pieces of advice I was given during my entire pregnancy. Her explanation was that as natural and instinctive it is to want to control what circumstances your baby comes into this world under, your body and baby may have other plans and you need to be prepared to sacrifice your “fantasy delivery” in order to safely bring your child into the world. Even if those plans include a six-inch incision on your underbelly, by no means does it mean your body did any less than what it was intended.
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Like Fiona, I too had to undergo a c-section when giving birth to my daughter. Fiona’s story makes me grateful for the fact that I had time to process my feelings about exactly what that meant for my own birth story and how much HOW my daughter came into this world mattered to me. I was never someone who had anything against pain management or c-sections. In fact every “birth video” I Googled during my pregnancy never left me with the superhuman feeling that I could squeeze a pumpkin through a pistachio, so I was somewhat relieved when my doctor made the decision that a c-section would be best to avoid any complications that could occur from my diagnosis of mild placenta previa.
“My job isn’t to be a cowboy. It’s to make sure that both you and baby make it through this birth in one piece,” she explained to my husband and I that first week of September. Placenta previa is a condition where the placenta either covers the birth canal entirely or is situated close to it increasing the chance that it could rupture and place both mother and baby’s health at risk during a vaginal delivery. My OB/GYN further explained that a scheduled c-section would give her time to see what she was working with once inside the womb without rushing. At that moment I had to be completely honest with myself. I had never looked forward to labor, keeping track of contractions, or pushing. The moment I heard that my c-section would be scheduled for the afternoon of October 22, 2014 was the most relief I had for my entire pregnancy. At a time I had felt much like my life was rushing right along without me, here was something that the slight OCD in me could put in my day planner and prepare for.
More than that, my case of placenta previa and scheduled c-section taught me the first of many valuable lessons in motherhood: It’s not about you. When I revealed the news to co-workers and friends it was almost as if they expected me to be disappointed about not being able to give birth like “my body was naturally made to do”. As much respect as I have for mothers who choose to give birth naturally or otherwise, no one is waiting in between those stirrups with a gold medal for the natural mamas and the silver for Team C-Section. All that matters is getting that baby into this world safe and sound.
Like Fiona, I found myself feeling very unnatural during my first few days as a mother as I was completely dependent on my husband to perfect swaddling and burping techniques. There were times I even resented his ability to get a “headstart” bonding with our newborn daughter totally neglecting the fact that I had just grew a person inside of me and just had major abdominal surgery. I felt helpless since I could barely blink without feeling the pain from my sutures and I wondered what kind of mother I was to not be able to help much with someone that had just laid on my spleen for almost nine months.
This would be my second lesson in motherhood: Know when to ask for help and stop placing so much pressure on yourself to be everyone to everybody. You’ll have the rest of your life to change diapers, make bottles, braid hair, go to parent-teacher conferences, pack lunches, etc. In the first few days of bringing life into this world you can afford to take it easy for a day or two. Motherhood is about learning to ask for and accept help when needed. Burning the candle at both ends is no good for you or your baby.
Fiona hopes to create a community where women feel comfortable sharing the good, bad and the ugly truth about motherhood and says this will be her first of many video blogs documenting her journey (Yayy!) but right now she’s taking a break from it all to bask in the beauty of being with her baby boy, Cameron. I can personally reassure her that it won’t get any easier. But the best thing about motherhood is just when you’re sitting in the middle of the living room floor while your toddler runs circles around you in a game of “hide and seek” with a dirty diaper and you think you are going to lose it, she smiles and gives you a kiss and reminds you that she is your living, breathing saying in what this world becomes. That is motherhood in a nutshell: Complete chaos punctuated by moments of indescribable bliss.
I think pregnancy and the process of becoming a parent is God’s way or reminding us of the comfort in not having control.
We live in a world where woman can easily feel they are supposed to give birth, glow like Chrissy Teigen within a week, bounce back into a boardroom like Olivia Pope and cheer our partners on from the sidelines like Ayesha Curry with a kid whose personality could rival Riley’s. Melanie Fiona’s message comes with perfect timing that regardless of how motherhood looks on you, there’s a good chance you’re getting it right if your child is the first thing on your mind each morning.
See Melanie tell her emotional birth story below. (Warning, you may want to keep the tissues close by).
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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If you’re like many other people who are prioritizing wellness these days, then attending a wellness retreat might be something to consider. Wellness retreats are a cool way to get the relaxation you’ve been missing in a space with like-minded people who share a common goal. I descended upon my first wellness retreat, the Mind, Body, + Sol Retreat, a couple of weeks ago at the Zoëtry Agua Punta Cana Resort in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic.
Zoëtry Agua is part of the Inclusive Collection for the World of Hyatt. It is nestled on a secluded part of Uvero Alto beach, which has crystal blue waters. The resort itself is picturesque, with its thatched roofs and lazy rivers that make you feel like you’re in a cute little village.
Mindy, Body, + Sol Retreat was hosted by Koya Webb, holistic health and wellness coach and yoga instructor, and it also featured other wellness practitioners who combined provided the ultimate gift of relaxation and getting back to oneself.
The first night was a Welcome Dinner that featured a five-course meal and an opportunity to meet our companions for the next three days. The food was impeccable and the only downside was that I wasn’t able to finish it all. The next day, however, was the official start of the classes, and I was ready to dive in.
Aura and Chakra Reading
Aura and chakra reading
Photo courtesy
My first class was an aura and chakra reading led by Laura McCann and James Levinson, an Asheville, NC couple. I’ve had chakra readings before, but never like this. There was a computer, a camera, and a scanner, which I placed my hand on for the reading. After two minutes, I received a 15-page report explaining my aura and chakra reading.
It breaks down what the colors of your aura are and what your chakras say. My main colors were green and yellow, which were defined by a variety of things. The top of my aura was green, meaning I have a social mental state and I’m a natural healer. My aura on my left side was yellow meaning my energy flowing is optimistic and light and so on.
After James discussed the findings with me, I then met with Laura, who gave me aromatherapy oils from their ADORAtherapy line that represented each chakra. She further explained the results of my chakra reading and shared how each oil can assist. Chakras are the energy centers in our body, and there is a total of seven: root, sacral, solar plexus, heart, throat, third eye, and crown. All of my chakras were high except for my heart chakra, which I have since been working on. I may follow up about that in another article.
Sound Bath
Sound bath class
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Next was the sound bath class. It was located in the spa, which was indoor/ outdoor and the perfect setting for this kind of experience. Andrew Francis and Carrie Bailey of Zenden Meditation were the co-pilots in transporting attendees into a place of tranquility. I laid down, closed my eyes, and allowed the sounds around me to bring me into a relaxing state. From the singing bowls to the wind chimes, I was in heaven. I even fell asleep and got some of the best rest I’ve had in a while. It was a beautiful experience. However, remember when I noted it was an indoor/ outdoor venue? I forgot to put on bug spray and woke up pretty itchy. But it didn’t stop me from enjoying the moment.
Tea Party
Art of Tea Ritual Tea Party
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The last event of the day was the Art of Tea Ritual located in the resort’s tea garden. It was everything you could want in a tea party. Delectable treats such as cookies, cakes, and white chocolate-covered strawberries, which are my fave. And, of course, tea. While I got to sip tea, I also got to make my own tea blend. There were many different teas to choose from, like hibiscus to your regular black tea. I decided to mix rose and mint and I called it RoseMint. I didn’t get to try my tea blend until I got home, and I’ll be honest, it’s probably the best tea I ever had. The tea herbs taste so fresh, and I love how fragrant it smells.
Breathwork
Breathwork Class
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The next morning was all about breathwork. If you exercise regularly, then you probably know the importance of breathing. But there’s more to it besides remembering to breathe during your workout. Margaret Townsend is a breathwork facilitator who helps people achieve wellness by consciously changing their breathing patterns. In her class, I learned to change my breathing pattern for energy as well as for relaxation. While I know that breathing is a relaxation tool, I was blown away to learn that it can also energize you. Because it was a different breathing pattern, I was also able to stay present and keep a steady pace.
Yoga
Koya Webb's yoga class
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The final class of the retreat was evening yoga with Koya Webb, who, as I mentioned earlier, was the host. Her class was held beside the beautiful Uvero Alto beach, which made for a stunning backdrop and the perfect way to end the retreat. It was important for me to get back into my body after not doing yoga for a few weeks, so I was really focused on nailing the moves. However, Koya kept the energy light and fun, evening cracking a few jokes throughout, which made it easy for me to relax and enjoy the moment. She ended the class with a dance break and hugs from our classmates.
The Mind, Body, + Sol Retreat reminded me how important it is to take time to love on myself. Each class was an opportunity to be present and get reacquainted with oneself in the most loving way. Being surrounded by individuals who encouraged my journey was what I needed, and I am so honored to have had this experience.
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