Melanie Fiona Shares Her Emotional Birthing Experience
If there’s anything that makes you realize how little control you actually have in this life, it’s giving birth to a child.
Before I became a mother in 2014, my body was as predictable as a Love and Hip Hop hook up with a menstrual cycle I could time on a clock and a body weight that hadn’t changed much since high school. Luckily, most of the changes I experienced during my pregnancy were mild, but there were days in my first trimester where I thought I could skip breakfast only to end up light-headed not long after 11 am while trying to make it through my Monday morning commute. At a time when friends, family and co-workers told me to take it easy I thought I could still squeeze through tight doorways despite carrying a bulging belly on my 120 pound frame. I tried to lift crates of juice boxes for our after-school programs at work and even tried giving myself a pedicure late in my last trimester because there was no way my OB/GYN was going to see me with jacked up toes on delivery day. As excited as I was for motherhood a very big part of me was terrified of how much my body and my whole life was quickly becoming unfamiliar and how fast it was all changing. But as much as motherhood will make or break you, it most definitely will change you. More than anything, it SHOULD change you.
In a refreshingly honest video blog she names “It’s Time To Tell The Truth”, singer Melanie Fiona revealed the emotional challenge of dealing with a birth plan that never came to be when giving birth to son, Cameron this past March. “I thought I was doing everything right,” she pleads through tears as she talks about being emotionally, mentally and physically prepared to give birth naturally only to end up having an emergency c-section due to a rare onset of preeclampsia that took place during her labor.
“I had to deal with feelings of disappointment and feeling like a failure.”“I felt like my body failed me. And I wasn’t prepared for that.”
Melanie wipes away tears when revealing the disappointment that came from pressures that I feel many women place on themselves as well as those projected by the media. With social media giving us more and more access to the personal lives of celebs and our peers alike, we’re able to witness Draya Michele pull her son from her womb during birth or see singer Omarion share a tub with girlfriend, Apryl while she gives birth naturally at home. Unfortunately so much insight into others’ birth experiences can distract us from the beauty of our own birth stories and build fantasies of what pregnancy, birth, motherhood and even what our post-baby bodies should look like.
Fiona also emphasizes the importance of having a supportive partner to help keep things in perspective in the heat of the moment when she felt like she was losing all control:
“It just came to a point where Jared had to come in, one on one, and look at me and take my hand and look me in the eyes and say, ‘I have to leave the hospital with both of you.’ And until that moment I did not recognize how real and severe my situation was. I had never even thought I would find myself in that position.”
She goes on to speak about how she thought she had prepared well and done everything right from doing yoga and eating healthy during her pregnancy only for things to take such an unpredictable turn in the delivery room. She recounts depending on partner, Jared, and how difficult it was to deal with being unable to jump immediately back into motherhood, balancing career, family and self-care:
“It’s still taking me time to process who I am now and who I am becoming. I just think that’s something we don’t talk about enough.”
Fiona also gives some insight on how blindsided she felt when having to detour from her original birth plan with no warning of the “What if’s” that could happen or a chance to make peace with a Plan B. It reminds me about some very solid advice a nurse friend of mine shared regarding my pregnancy, “Do your nurse a favor and save her a step by throwing your birth plan in the trash.” As harsh as that may sound, it was one of the best pieces of advice I was given during my entire pregnancy. Her explanation was that as natural and instinctive it is to want to control what circumstances your baby comes into this world under, your body and baby may have other plans and you need to be prepared to sacrifice your “fantasy delivery” in order to safely bring your child into the world. Even if those plans include a six-inch incision on your underbelly, by no means does it mean your body did any less than what it was intended.
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Like Fiona, I too had to undergo a c-section when giving birth to my daughter. Fiona’s story makes me grateful for the fact that I had time to process my feelings about exactly what that meant for my own birth story and how much HOW my daughter came into this world mattered to me. I was never someone who had anything against pain management or c-sections. In fact every “birth video” I Googled during my pregnancy never left me with the superhuman feeling that I could squeeze a pumpkin through a pistachio, so I was somewhat relieved when my doctor made the decision that a c-section would be best to avoid any complications that could occur from my diagnosis of mild placenta previa.
“My job isn’t to be a cowboy. It’s to make sure that both you and baby make it through this birth in one piece,” she explained to my husband and I that first week of September. Placenta previa is a condition where the placenta either covers the birth canal entirely or is situated close to it increasing the chance that it could rupture and place both mother and baby’s health at risk during a vaginal delivery. My OB/GYN further explained that a scheduled c-section would give her time to see what she was working with once inside the womb without rushing. At that moment I had to be completely honest with myself. I had never looked forward to labor, keeping track of contractions, or pushing. The moment I heard that my c-section would be scheduled for the afternoon of October 22, 2014 was the most relief I had for my entire pregnancy. At a time I had felt much like my life was rushing right along without me, here was something that the slight OCD in me could put in my day planner and prepare for.
More than that, my case of placenta previa and scheduled c-section taught me the first of many valuable lessons in motherhood: It’s not about you. When I revealed the news to co-workers and friends it was almost as if they expected me to be disappointed about not being able to give birth like “my body was naturally made to do”. As much respect as I have for mothers who choose to give birth naturally or otherwise, no one is waiting in between those stirrups with a gold medal for the natural mamas and the silver for Team C-Section. All that matters is getting that baby into this world safe and sound.
Like Fiona, I found myself feeling very unnatural during my first few days as a mother as I was completely dependent on my husband to perfect swaddling and burping techniques. There were times I even resented his ability to get a “headstart” bonding with our newborn daughter totally neglecting the fact that I had just grew a person inside of me and just had major abdominal surgery. I felt helpless since I could barely blink without feeling the pain from my sutures and I wondered what kind of mother I was to not be able to help much with someone that had just laid on my spleen for almost nine months.
This would be my second lesson in motherhood: Know when to ask for help and stop placing so much pressure on yourself to be everyone to everybody. You’ll have the rest of your life to change diapers, make bottles, braid hair, go to parent-teacher conferences, pack lunches, etc. In the first few days of bringing life into this world you can afford to take it easy for a day or two. Motherhood is about learning to ask for and accept help when needed. Burning the candle at both ends is no good for you or your baby.
Fiona hopes to create a community where women feel comfortable sharing the good, bad and the ugly truth about motherhood and says this will be her first of many video blogs documenting her journey (Yayy!) but right now she’s taking a break from it all to bask in the beauty of being with her baby boy, Cameron. I can personally reassure her that it won’t get any easier. But the best thing about motherhood is just when you’re sitting in the middle of the living room floor while your toddler runs circles around you in a game of “hide and seek” with a dirty diaper and you think you are going to lose it, she smiles and gives you a kiss and reminds you that she is your living, breathing saying in what this world becomes. That is motherhood in a nutshell: Complete chaos punctuated by moments of indescribable bliss.
I think pregnancy and the process of becoming a parent is God’s way or reminding us of the comfort in not having control.
We live in a world where woman can easily feel they are supposed to give birth, glow like Chrissy Teigen within a week, bounce back into a boardroom like Olivia Pope and cheer our partners on from the sidelines like Ayesha Curry with a kid whose personality could rival Riley’s. Melanie Fiona’s message comes with perfect timing that regardless of how motherhood looks on you, there’s a good chance you’re getting it right if your child is the first thing on your mind each morning.
See Melanie tell her emotional birth story below. (Warning, you may want to keep the tissues close by).
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Do You Want To Be A Wife? Or Do You Just Want To Have A Wedding?
Even though it’s my life, sometimes I look at it and totally trip out over certain things.
For instance, even though I am aware that both Hebrew and African cultures put a lot of stock in the name of a child (because they believe it speaks to their purpose; so do I) and I know that my name is pretty much Hebrew for divine covenant, it’s still wild that in a couple of years, I will have been working with married couples for a whopping two decades — and boy, is it an honor when they will say something like, “Shellie, we’ve seen [professionally] multiple people and no one has been nearly as effective as you have been.”
Yep, me. Little ole’ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, y’all better quit letting people tell you what you’re called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe I’ve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is — “You better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big ‘ole party for all of the work that you’re about to do.” And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, “And you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.”
Why do I emphasize that point so much? It’s because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think it’s important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife — or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
It’s Time to Stop “Living for the Fairy Tale”
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that I’ve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan “A diamond is forever” and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, I’ll just let you read Insider’s “Here's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,” if you’re interested.
And as far as marriage goes, don’t even get me started on the whole “I’m living for the fairy tale” narrative that gets pushed incessantly. I’ve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means “a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures” and “an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.” Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, what’s up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric that’s so popular and also, so… “silly” is the first word that comes to mind, “unrealistic” is the second and “unnecessary” is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom — all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldn’t afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it — even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your “why”?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) — WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, “When you find your ‘why’, you will find a way to make it happen.” And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there aren’t enough “why” questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying “why” you want a huge wedding is nothing more than “because I want to” or “why” you chose the man that you did is simply “I love him” — I’ve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply aren’t good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thing…not by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I’m good for throwing some Scripture in; it’s a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word that’s used to define it in the Bible is “helpmate” (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual — in this case, a husband.
While we’re here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and it’s good. Lawd, I can’t tell you how many wife clients I’ve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does “good help” look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into “Am I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?”
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that I’m not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the “princess treatment.” Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Fathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queen” — and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.”
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. It’s not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do — and it’s not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Y’all, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, I’ll just end this part of the article with, “If you’re not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, you’re not ready to be a wife.” Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (I’m writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people don’t have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when you’re dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person you’re seeing keeps their word — and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying “I do.” And while we’re here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly don’t see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it — to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way — down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a “trick” that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldn’t feel like they are falling for someone when they’re able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big ole’ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watchUnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isn’t even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you don’t want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you don’t want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you don’t want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you don’t want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you don’t want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual — marriage isn’t for you.
You’d be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I don’t mean marry yourself; you are already “one” with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce because…divorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union — yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. It’s not a party. It’s a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Don’t Get Married Until You’re Sure That You Want…BOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I don’t immediately respond with, “Congrats! That’s awesome.” NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, “For real. Why?” WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, “What do you mean ‘why’?” and then follow that up with, “Because I’m in love” or…they don’t really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesn’t really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT — Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think you’ve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because you’re both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, that’s not asking enough. I don’t care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I don’t care how much divorce has been normalized. I don’t care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (it’s not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (it’s not) — marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just said…not simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, that’s a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: it’s because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for — not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
____
This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; you’ll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: “When it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesn’t excite you more than being a bride — wait. You’re not ready yet.”
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
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