​They Will Offer An Apology

You might've read this point and thought, "duh" but not so fast. I don't know about you, but there have been all sorts of situations—both personally as well as professionally—when someone has harmed or offended me and I had to coax an apology out of them.

I don't mean I had to explain why I was hurt (sometimes that is required). I mean that once we were both on the same page about the "offense", there were explanations and justifications but no "I'm sorry"—or sounded something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way but…" (which comes off as them trying to become the victim in the situation).

When someone gets that what they did was either wrong or that it hurt you (because those two things are not always one and the same), if they value you and the relationship, they'll acknowledge it without you having to "force" them to. Their humility will supersede their pride. "I'm sorry" will flow out of them.

So will my next point.

They Will Express What They Regret Doing

This is what I call a "Shellie-ism" but personally, I don't trust people who claim that they don't live with regrets. I actually wonder if the individuals who boldly say that know what the word literally means—"to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.)".

To be remorseful is to have "deep and painful regret for wrongdoing", and if you are bragging about living without it, I can't help but wonder how healthy your relationships are.

All of us are human, all of us have done something that has "wronged" another individual. Hopefully, we feel sorrow or painful regret about that fact. That said, when someone is truly sorry for something they did to you, not only are you going to get an "I'm sorry" (or "I apologize") but it's going to follow with their reasons behind what they are sorry for.

For instance, if you told one of your girls something super-private and she tells someone else, not only is she going to apologize but she's going to follow up with something along the lines of "…for betraying your trust".

Why? It's simple really. An apology doesn't mean much unless the person who's doing it is clear on what they are sorry for in the first place. That's the only way they can be clear on what they did and how to avoid doing it again.

They Will Ask You What They Can Do To Set Things Right

MAKING AMENDS. This is something I learned about thanks to the Bible (Matthew 5:23-24) and my late father talking about his AA meetings. Bo,y do I wish I saw it more in action, though.

When someone does something to hurt/harm another, there were actual actions that took place. They betrayed someone. They took someone for granted. They abused someone in some way. The list goes on and on. In order to begin the healing process, all that words do is express the intention to try and do better moving forward. But in order to restore the trust/integrity that was lost, there needs to be some work behind it.

For every negative action, there needs to be a positive and equal reaction.

When someone is sorry—really and truly sorry—for what they did to you, the apology is going to be followed up with a "What can I do?" Why? Because they'll get that you forgiving them, especially while you are still hurting, is an act of faith on your part; the least they can do is make taking that step a little bit easier for you to do.

They Will DO Those Things

This part is crucial. Say that a co-worker took credit for something you did, they apologized to you and asked if there was anything that they could do. If you said, "I need you to tell our supervisor the truth," and days and weeks go by without them doing it, what this translates into is not that they are sorry. It's more like they don't want you to be mad at them.

To be fair, based on what happened, coming to terms on how to make things right may require some negotiating. But once the two of you come to an agreement on how an amends should be made, there should be some follow-through. They'll do that because they want to restore what was lost—the trust, the integrity, the relationship—as soon as possible.

This Will Not Be An Endless Pattern

Know better, do better. Between the effort it took for you to forgive and the effort it took the other person to make amends, who wants to go through that all over again? Two people who are sincere about the purpose behind their actions get this. That's why if someone makes an apology and does all of what I mentioned, there shouldn't be a need for the same "offense" to happen over and over again.

So many of us are carrying wounds because we didn't get the full apology we deserved. Hopefully, this has shed some light on what to do when you've hurt/harmed someone and what you deserve when someone hurt/harms you.

Saying "I'm sorry" is just the beginning of the healing process. Truly sorry people get that.