I Was Told I Was Infertile At 17
I was a 17-year-old virgin when my gynecologist told me that I was barren.
At the time, my teenage brain couldn’t process how a doctor’s visit for inconsistent periods had resulted in an infertility diagnosis, especially with a rare condition like Premature Ovarian Failure (POF). POF, also known as Primary Ovarian Insufficiency, is when a woman loses the normal function of her ovaries before the age of 40, and according to the American Pregnancy Association, affects 1 in 1000 women, with under 200,000 cases reported in the US each year. If the ovaries fail, they do not produce the normal amounts of estrogen or release eggs regularly, which can ultimately lead to infertility.
The first sign of POF is irregular or skipped periods. In my case, my always-prompt monthly cycle became sporadic around age 15--the same time my father was diagnosed with stage IV terminal lung cancer. Between being a high school sophomore, working a part-time job, learning how to drive, and most importantly, helping my mom care for my father, I barely noticed that Aunt Flow was only coming to visit me every five to six months. Unless I was the second coming of the Virgin Mary, I knew pregnancy wasn’t the cause, so I prolonged making an appointment and attributed the tardiness of my cycle to stress.
After the devastating passing of my father three weeks before my 16th birthday, I attempted to restore normalcy in my life by getting back into some of my old routines, and I assumed that my period would follow suit. After a year of hot flashes, night sweats, extreme irritability, and a period that was still missing in action, I finally decided to see a doctor. I just wish I had chosen a different one.
In retrospect, my initial diagnosis with POF felt more like a scene out of a Shonda Rhimes-created TV drama than how any medical diagnosis should be handled in real life. The socially awkward doctor gave me my infertility diagnosis within the first minute of entering my exam room, and he did so without even making eye contact with me. As he verbally compared my reproductive system to that of a 50-year-old menopausal woman, the robotic physician extended the same amount of compassion and empathy that one would expect to receive during a hammertoe diagnosis!
It wasn’t until I started crying uncontrollably that the doctor realized that the news that he was delivering would be troubling to any woman, let alone a teenager. I abruptly ended the appointment when this so-called doctor couldn’t explain how a healthy 17-year-old girl could spontaneously become infertile. I figured that I would find better medical advice on Google than by listening to him throw around medical jargon that held no substance to someone without a medical degree.
So, I did my research and sought the additional opinions of two physicians who were considered the crème de la crème in the field of infertility. I entered each appointment with positivity and optimism, only to leave heartbroken when both of my highly praised and twice as expensive infertility gurus landed at the same conclusion (although delivered in a much more professional manner) as the first doctor: Yes, I had premature ovarian failure; no, there was no exact cause of the condition; yes, I needed to see an endocrinologist and genetic counselor to rule out any other underlying conditions; and most importantly, I needed to get on a daily hormone replacement therapy (HRT) plan until I reached the natural menopause age, which is somewhere around 50, in order to restore the hormonal balance that my body was currently not receiving because of my defunct ovaries.
Over the next five years, I tried every hormone replacement pill, patch, cream, or ring that was on the market; each one introduced a new undesired side effect. My weight skyrocketed, my hair fell out, my face broke out, and, ironically, I was more hormonal and emotional than a pregnant lady. And those were only the visible changes. Mentally, my infertility diagnosis began wearing me and my confidence down the day that I found out about it.
At 17, the idea of motherhood had honestly never crossed my mind; yet, suddenly the possibility of never having that experience became part of my daily thoughts. Lacking a monthly menstrual cycle didn’t make me feel like I was any less of a woman, the daunting reality that I was naturally incapable of creating and giving life is what left me feeling like part of my femininity had been robbed.
As I got older and began thinking about marriage, my subconscious fear became that I would never find a husband who would love me unconditionally, especially if I couldn’t make him a father. For years, I used this trepidation to convince myself that I had no desire to ever be married or have children, even though I really did. I figured that if I pretended to have no interest in ever having a family of my own, I wouldn’t be hurt or disappointed if it never came to fruition.
Eventually, I developed the perfect defense mechanism to protect myself: focus on building my career and used that as an excuse to sabotage any relationship that was becoming too serious. I built walls up so high that no man dared to break them down; that is until I strengthened my relationship with Christ and realized that I was perfectly created in His image, bum ovaries and all.
It has been ten years since I was first diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure and accepting an infertility diagnosis at such a young age hasn’t been an easy thing to do. In fact, I think it is something that I will have to continually work on for the rest of my life. However, coming to peace with it became so much easier when I decided to stop obsessing over something that is out of my control.
Once I started counting my blessing, I realized that I have so many other God-given gifts and talents to be thankful for instead of focusing on the ones that I lack. The moment that I began shifting my perspective, something amazing and completely unexpected happened: I met the man who would love me in spite of all my (infertility) flaws. My bum ovaries weren’t miraculously healed the moment I met my husband, but I do believe that a huge part of my soul was. This incredible man saw the beauty, character, and purpose in what I had once considered to be my greatest insecurity.
Infertility always felt like a heavy burden that I was forced to carry all alone; it was MY flaw, MY problem, and MY battle to fight. Since the day that I confided in him, my husband has never allowed me to feel alone or insecure because of my diagnosis; even on my darkest days throughout this journey, he continues to be my greatest ally and pillar of strength.
While the good days definitely outweigh the bad, I still experience moments of sadness and frustration when I realize it's going to take a little more effort and patience to grow my family. However, I never allow those feelings to linger on for too long. At 27, I finally realize that my inability to conceive should never be a factor in determining my happiness, confidence, and most importantly, my femininity.
"My inability to conceive shouldn't be a factor in determining my happiness and my femininity."
It doesn’t matter if my husband and I beat the odds and conceive a miracle baby, go through the In-vitro process, choose to adopt, take in foster children, or decide to remain a party of two. Together, we’re looking forward to telling one hell of a story, that is still being written, about the path that we chose to overcome infertility.
Brittany "Bee" Netherly-Boyd is a full-time Christian, wife, daughter, sister, and friend who strives to find beauty and inspiration in every circumstance. In between completing her Masters in Public Administration, she is also working on her first book to bring encouragement to women (and men, too) who are struggling with Infertility. IG: @beesherelxo
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
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THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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I think we all can agree that social media really is a double-edged sword. What I mean by that is there is just as much bad that can come out of it as good. At the end of the day, it really is about 1) having your own mind, 2) finding balance when it comes to how much time you spend online, and 3) doing your own research instead of taking random people’s opinions as the gospel (i.e., facts).
Gee, I wish more folks did all of this when it comes to if a man needs to have a large penis to sexually satisfy a woman (he does not) and if a woman who has had multiple sex partners will ultimately end up with a vagina that is too large for smaller penises to please her (a lie).
Science totally has my back on debunking both of those things (more on that in a bit). Know what else does? A particular type of sex method that is becoming more popular by the day. One that just might convince you to, as they used to say back in the day, focus less on the “size of the wave” and ride out the “motion of the ocean” instead.
It’s called shallowing. Here’s what it’s all about.
What Is Shallowing?
GiphyIf there’s one thing that I wish folks would say more thoroughly when it comes to women and orgasms, it’s that when it comes to75 percent of women not being able to orgasm from only intercourse, the accurate statement is they struggle with achieving a vaginal orgasm without the assistance of some type of clitoral stimulation. Yeah, we’ve really got to remember that very few things in this life are a complete monolith — orgasms included (check out “U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight”).
In fact, it was while I was reading up on pairing — a word that is used for when clitoral stimulation transpires during penetration — that I decided to do some deep-diving into shallowing (because it was mentioned inone of the articles that I read).And what is it? Shallowing is when a penis, finger, tongue, or sex toy of some sort is used in order to ever so slightly penetrate the vaginal opening of a woman.
And why is shallowing not just a current sex trend but something that every woman on this planet should try? It’s because of what I’ve said, more than once, on this platform: it focuses on the most sensitive part of a woman’s vagina, which isthe first two inches of her vaginal opening.
When the emphasis is placed there, not only does it increase your chances of experiencing “the big O,” but it can also build up anticipation, which can intensify your orgasms too — yes, shallowing can also be seen as a form of edging.
Another thing that’s cool about shallowing is — and it really and truly can’t be said enough — something that makes vaginal and blended orgasms easier to achieve for some women really has little to do with the size of a man’s package or even his technique; it’s straight up anatomy. Yep, the closer that a woman’s clitoris is to her vaginal opening, the easier it is for a penis to stimulate both. So, science makes it possible for vaginal orgasms to be easier for some women than others.
At the same time, shallowing can make it possible for more women who want to see what a vaginal orgasm actually feels like (because it’s easier for the head of the penis to stimulate the opening of the vagina while the shaft can rub up against your clitoris; based on the position that you are in, of course — the missionary with some pillows propped under the lower part of your back is ideal for this).
Now that you see what shallowing actually is, do you get why I said that penis size doesn’t matter when it comes to doing it — and getting the kind of orgasms that you want? Contrary to popular belief, your vagina is only around four inches. In fact, some health experts say that it ranges between 2-4”. Anything larger, your body literally has to stretch out to accommodate; this includes penises and babies. So, if your vagina is “making room” for more than four inches, why in the world do you think you need a 10-inch man? Yeah…exactly. It really is time to get over the silliness. The average penis continues to be 5.5”. Makes sense when you take it all in (no pun intended).
Aight, so now that you know what shallowing is all about, let me try and hard sell you on why it’s a sex technique that you should try as soon as tonight (if you possibly can).
1. It takes the pressure off of you and your partner.
I’ve been working with couples for almost 20 years at this point. This means that the topic of sex comes up quite a bit. And if there’s one thing that continues to be an issue is inconsistent orgasms (check out “Why Do Orgasms So Often Seem Like A ‘Hit-Or-Miss’ Experience For Women?”).
Listen, no matter how many articles you read or sex positions you try, if you’re anxious, stressed out, or overthinking, it’s gonna get in the way of you experiencing high peaks of pleasure on a consistent basis. Since shallowing is something that can easily be done even in foreplay (via fingering and/ororal sex) if you get that first “release” off, that makes it easier to just sit back and enjoy the ones that (hopefully) are to follow.
2. It teaches you more about your vagina.
A part of the reason why I keep repeating certain facts about vaginas in these articles is that it’s amazing how little certain things are discussed en masse — like the size of the vaginal tube. And since shallowing helps you to stimulate the nerve endings at the entrance of your va-jay-jay along with your G-spot (which is housed a little ways from your opening), shallowing is a great way to explore that area of your body as you figure out what truly works for you and…what doesn’t.
3. It’s the perfect merging of foreplay and intercourse.
When you really stop to think about it, shallowing is like the bridge between foreplay and intercourse because you can use so many different things to do it. So, if you want to experiment with a new sex toy or you want a bit more time to “warm up the engine” before full-on penetration begins, shallowing is one of the most sexually arousing compromises there is.
4. It can help to increase your partner’s stamina.
A few years back, I penned an article for the site entitled, “We’ve Got Some All-Natural Ways To Increase Stamina & Sensitivity.” Listen, even though I onceread a GQ article that said that over 60 percent of the people they polled were fine with intercourse lasting no longer than 5-10 minutes — that poll doesn’t speak for all of us, chile.
So, if you would like your man to build up to going longer, shallowing can help to make that happen. Since he’s barely putting beyond the tip in, he can learn how to be in you for longer periods of time without being, well, in you.
5. It helps you to appreciate whatever “package” he has.
Again — and it really can’t be said enough — if shallowing is all about exploring the mere entrance of your vagina, you don’t need a man with BDE (check out “BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go”) or honestly, even anything close to it.
I mean, even though, reportedly, the size that the average woman says gives her the most orgasms is eight inches — I bet those women have never really tried shallowing before. 10”, 8”, or the average 5.5” can certainly get the job done. And well.
6. It feels A-MAZ-ING.
Okay,so now that you know about shallowing, I promise that if you put the word into your favorite search engine, you’re either gonna see articles on golfing (LOL) or sex, especially as of late. That’s because more couples are trying it out and getting mind-blowing results from it. So, if you’re looking for something new to try, give shallowing a shot.
Hey, anything that’s designed to stimulate your most intense vaginal nerve endings has got to be something for the record books. I mean, how could it not be? Lawd.
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Featured image by Juan Moyano/Getty Images