Whenever I share my story I always tell people that taking a leap of faith is not easy, but it's worth it.
I started my journey when I was about 20-years-old. Growing up I always knew in my heart that I wanted to be a star and to be in the entertainment industry. I've always been passionate about modeling and acting, and I was willing to take whatever risks necessary to make my dream happen.
Right before I turned 21, I left my hometown of Milwaukee, WI for the first time and went to Atlanta to attend a two-day acting workshop taught by celebrity actress Tasha Smith. I had the opportunity to speak with her after writing her on Twitter back in August 2012, and she told me that Atlanta was one of the best places for me to be at that time due to it being one of the top filmmaking cities in the country. So instead of returning home, I decided to stay with my cousin and her boyfriend. I didn't know anything about the city, nor did I know anyone who lived there. I didn't have a car and I was unfamiliar with the public transportation system, but I continued to be brave and walked into the unfamiliar. However, I couldn't get a job and was running out of money, and after a month or two of living with my cousin and her intimidating boyfriend, I left and went back to Milwaukee to come up with a different plan to get back to Atlanta in hopes of furthering my career.
After about a year, I saved up some money and made my second attempt at relocating. I worked two, sometimes three, retail jobs in the mall, and I saved my tax return, so before the year was up I left again! Again my money ran low and I couldn't find a decent paying job, and I was tired of living with people and not having my own, so once again I headed back to my hometown, only this time I had no idea how I was going to attempt this again.
Feeling hurt, defeated, and embarrassed I found myself back in the city I hated and desperately wanted to get out of. Milwaukee isn't the kind of place you're proud to say you're from. I've always wanted to get out. I almost had a baby when I was 19, but miscarried three months in. I knew that if I didn't get out I'd either be dead or become a baby mama, which just wasn't in the cards for me.
I remember the day before I miscarried I was working at Red Lobster at the time, and when I went home America's Next Top Model was on. I look up to Tyra Banks so much--she has always been a role model for me. I wanted to be on that show so bad I could taste it. I even tried out a few times. On this day I was watching the show and sitting in bed and tears just started falling down my face, and I prayed and said, “God this is not the life I imagined. I can not handle a baby right now. I really want to live my dreams." The very next day I went in to work and after a few hours into my shift I started feeling sick and was having stomach pains so they let me leave work early. I got home and told my mom I had been spotting, so she drove me to the hospital. They did an ultra sound and I had tests done, but they could not find my baby's heartbeat. About six hours or so later, two doctors walked in to tell my mom and I that the baby didn't make it. That was the hardest thing I have ever dealt with and I went through it without the father of my child, but that was a defining moment for me. I knew that the prayer I said the day before reached Him. It took me about a year to fully come to terms with the loss, but as I grew older I realized God gave me a second chance. He heard my prayer and at that moment I became a woman with a much higher purpose; I wouldn't make that same mistake again.
After returning home for the second time I was mentally drained, but I had a friend who I met on my first attempt to Atlanta at an audition for MTV's My super sweet 21 with LA' Reid's son, Aaron Reid, who was casting models to work his party. She, too, was an aspiring model and actress looking to find her way, and she reminded me so much of myself. From that moment on we became friends. She was the first friend I had made in Atlanta and was a source of encouragement even after I moved back home. She would call me and pray with me over the phone, and one day she told me four words that I will never forget.
“STEP OUT ON FAITH."
With Emmy award-winning casting director Robi Reed
With that in mind I made a third attempt at relocating, and I told myself if it doesn't work this time then it's just not meant to be. I jumped on the Greyhound and took the ride was 22 hour ride back to Atlanta, and the whole way I kept telling myself, “God I trust you." I had a few hundred bucks, no place to stay and no job. How the heck was I going to pull this off?
Once I got to Atlanta, my friend and her mom picked me up from the bus station and we headed to Lenox Mall. I had about 100 resumes printed and ready to go, and by the grace of God I was offered a job that day. After getting settled, months later I signed up with a casting agency who would send me small roles and auditions and some background work since I had never acted before. Over the last four years I have been taking classes, auditing workshops, and trying to stay involved in the industry. My first role I booked was with Vampire Diaries, where I played a waitress in a diner scene. I didn't have any lines, but I was excited about it!
On the set of "Sleepless Night" with Jamie Foxx
Shortly after I was booked for a few episodes of Tyler Perry's The Have and The Have Nots, as well as the film SELMA. I had the pleasure of working with director and producer Ava Duvernay every day for a month. She was so friendly. and although I didn't have a huge role, she made everyone feel equally important to the film and our history.
This past summer I was also blessed to work Jamie Foxx, who was so humble and funny.
I never thought that just from having a mustard seed of faith it would bring me to work with all these amazing directors and actors that I grew up watching my entire life.
Despite all the adversity I faced losing my baby at three months, being evicted from my home due to hard times between auditioning, and having to work jobs that just weren't paying enough to make it on my own, I AM STILL STANDING.
Stepping out on faith changed my life. I've done so many things I am proud of, even things I am scared of with the little that I was given due to those four strong powerful words.
[Tweet "Don't be afraid to trust God with your little, because he can turn your little into a lot!"]
I hope that this will encourage and inspire others to go chase their dreams. You will never save the money you'd like, and it will never be the perfect time, you just have to go for it. It's by far the best thing I have ever done in my life, so start where you are!
Have you ever took a step of faith that paid off? Share below!
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A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
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