What People Get Mistaken About The LGBTQ Community
LGBTQ are a group of people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans-gender or questioning their sexuality.
I remember the day my sister told me that she identified as lesbian. It had been the first time we saw each other in more than 15 years, and we were so excited about the reunion. But that excitement quickly turned to confusion when she introduced me to her girlfriend.
First of all, she was still married. Then I was confused because her girlfriend was way cuter than my sister (but I guess that's the goal of getting a bae). I had so many questions for her, and had no idea how I would ask her any of them around this beautiful, modelesque brown Barbie doll my sister called her “boo." My sister sensed my curiosity, so she graciously took me to a bar to help me sort through her announcement while we caught up.
I sort of pictured the floor dance to look like this
I hadn't known many gay women before my sister, so I had my sister give me a crash course on lesbian relationships. After answering some of my questions, the next thing I remember is her girlfriend hopping on the floor on all fours to dance when her favorite song was played. I don't know what she did on that floor, but I do know that men started throwing money at her.
My sister shook her head at her boo and said, “Oh, she's temporary. You know what it is." Meaning: her new girlfriend was just someone she was casually sleeping with.
Although my sister's (now old) flame was a great introduction to understanding that there weren't too many differences between lesbian and heterosexual relationships, I still didn't quite understand the subject. Fortunately, I had the privilege to serve with a number of lesbian women in the Navy. It was those women who helped me to understand that they are still a marginalized group.
This year, what they taught me about LGBTQ relationships hit home when this year I learned that I have a cousin who identifies as transexual, and another who was once bisexual. That's when I started to take a better look at how I conducted myself around people that are LGBTQ, and I quickly noticed that people can be very rude to them. Myself included.
I spoke with three lesbian women and a gay man. We talked about everything from religion, to what people typically get mistaken about people who identify as LGBTQ, and even why Caitlyn Jenner is not a hero in one of their eyes. See what they had to tell me in our chat session.
1. “Love the sinner, hate the sin."
After talking to TJ James, a woman who identifies as lesbian in the Houston area, she believes that many people who say this aren't saying it out of genuine love or respect.
“I'm just so frustrated with people feeling as though you're sinning [if you're lesbian]. They always tell me 'I don't condone what you do because it's a sin.' Stop it!"
I understand why this frustrates her. “Love the sinner, hate the sin" is the same phrase that some people repeat to welfare recipients, pot smokers, or unwed mothers. Without even knowing it, you may essentially be calling someone a “degenerate" when you use this phrase, so tread lightly when you say it.
2. “Why do you hate men?"
Lynn McCoy, who lives in the DMV area and identifies as lesbian, told me that this was one thing that bothered her about other people not understanding LGBTQ relationships.
I have to admit that when my sister told me she was lesbian, I thought she was doing it to get back at her husband because she hated him, and all men in general. She's my sister, so I can say that I am somewhat correct in my assumption. But Lynn made me realize that all lesbian women aren't like my crazy sister.
“[I really hate it when people] Assume that we hate men. That in order to love a woman, you must loathe men. That's ridiculous. I just like women, what's wrong with that?"
3. “But you haven't been with me."
I admit that if Serena Williams ever says that she identified as lesbian, I would encourage my husband to say this to her if we ever met, so she can be my sister-wife. (Please note that I'm not gay, but I'm definitely gay for her, because I want her to be my sister-wife.) But I learned from Krissya Sifontes-Vazquez, a professional pin up model who identifies as lesbian in the Los Angeles area, that this could be a really insulting phrase. She told me during our chat,
“I am attracted to females, and there is a reason for it...I always say to [men who say this to me], “Well why are you attracted to females? Are you in any shape or form attracted to males? Well that's exactly why I am attracted to females, so let's keep that in common. [laughs]"
4. “Caitlyn is a hero to some, but not for me."
I was personally happy when Caitlyn was finally able to live the life she's always wanted to live, while unintentionally empowering youth to be who they are as well. I also had this idea that all LGBTQ people were here for her big announcement. Turns out, I was wrong.
I spoke with Elijah Lowder, a man who identifies as gay in Cleveland, and he said that there are other of LGBTQ heroes out there that many people have seemed to have forgotten about.
"...As a gay male that has struggled with identity issues, friends that fell victim to illness, suicide, and murder, I do not find [Caitlyn] heroic. My personal hero was my best friend..She was murdered. She was the one who made me smile while in tears about her own predicaments. [Her name] Was Cece, and she was Transgender. When witnessing members of my community suffering with HIV/AIDS, I think to myself, “They are heroes!" Some could and could not change their outcome, but they fight that same battle that so many lost...I'm not bashing Caitlyn Jenner, but she's not my cup-of-Kermit."
5. We need to love each other more.
One thing they all said to me during my conversations with them is that they wished people would love more and judge less.
It broke my heart hearing that. In the past, I didn't know how to say anything around anyone who was LGBTQ. Looking back, I realized that I came across looking crass, when I didn't mean it at all that way. I know if I had that problem, others have had it as well.
Krissya says,
"I look at everyone as equals, and I now view the world with love. If people in my circle, or around me, don't meet eye-to-eye with that simple concept, then I simply walk away, because there is no need for any type of negativity. I strongly believe that the band “The Beatles" were right [in their song] - 'All You Need Is Love! If we can all make that effort to keep the love, I feel that there wouldn't be so much hate in our world today."
I agree with her, or we should at the least keep insensitive remarks to ourselves. No one deserves to get the feelings hurt on purpose. Before I had the opportunity to ask Elijah why he thought so many people were rude toward those who identified as LGBTQ, he answered the question.
"Sometimes I feel the world is so negative. In all reality it's just not educated about things that [people who identify] as LGBTQ might find typical of our daily lives, or lifestyle. We need to thank one another daily, in an effort to become [someone else's] hero. We don't need to become a hero by murder or the ostracism of society."
A lot more love, and a little less “judgy". I can swing that.
Was there anything that you thought you understood about LGBTQ people, but got wrong? Please share, so that we can all understand, learn, and spread the love.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Growing up in Brooklyn, New York, Caribbean culture has always been all around me, from the food to the dancehall and soca music to traditions carried out by all of the Caribbean people living in the city. As a youngin, I loved attending the West Indian Day Parade every September because the floats, steel drums, extravagant feathers, and upbeat music made me feel free and gave me a deeper appreciation for the culture.
As I got older, I learned that the yearly Carnivals happening across the Caribbean put NYC’s little festivities to shame. Traveling to the islands themselves and experiencing the people and culture first-hand really gives you a deeper understanding and appreciation for Caribbean culture.
The history of Carnival celebrations in the Caribbean can be traced back to enslaved people who were forbidden from participating in the Pre-Lenten celebrations and thus created their own celebrations and traditions, which over time developed into celebrations of freedom and rebellion. Each country in the Caribbean has its own unique history of celebrations, as well as its own Carnival traditions that set it apart from other festivities.
What started as a Pre-Lenten celebration is now celebrated during a range of months throughout the year and now attracts hundreds of people from all over the world. Here are six carnivals that you should go to this year to experience this culture for yourself.
Crop Over - Barbados Carnival
Crop Over Dates: July 31, 2024 - August 6, 2024
What better place to celebrate carnival than the home of our Bajan Queen Rihanna? While some festivities start as early as May, the official festival season in Barbados starts in July and ends in early August. Crop Over originally started as a way for plantation workers to celebrate the end of the sugarcane harvest season and has now evolved into a much larger celebration. Crop Over is a blend of both old and new traditions, such as the Ceremonial Delivery of the Last Canes, and Cohobblopot, where bands show off their beautiful costumes and play soca and calypso music.
All of the week's festivities culminate with the Grand Kadooment, Crop Over’s big parade featuring all of the bands and droves of people taking to the streets in their beautiful costumes and dancing to the local music.
Other things to do: Visit Hunte’s Garden in Joseph’s Parish and find peace in the picturesque garden while spotting an array of different birds and animals. If you’re looking for beach relaxation, spend a day at Carlisle Bay, the perfect beach for swimming, taking in some sun, and a possible turtle sighting.
Saint Thomas Carnival
Saint Thomas Carnival Dates: April 28, 2024 - May 5, 2024
No passport? That won’t be a problem for U.S. travelers looking to get in on the carnival experience. Saint Thomas, one of the three U.S. Virgin Islands, is known for its crystal clear beaches, scuba diving scene, and overall vibrant culture. The island celebrates its carnival in late April and features a dynamic lineup of events including colorful adult and kiddie parades, calypso competitions, and street parties. Virgin Islanders are known to love to party, so make sure to fill up before the festivities with some local favorites like johnny cakes, callaloo, and conch fritters.
With its rich cultural heritage and lively atmosphere, this is a carnival experience perfect for a first-timer who wants to ease their way into the lifestyle.
Other things to do: Visit one of Saint Thomas’ many turquoise blue beaches such as Coki, Magens Bay, Brewers Bay, or Lindquist Beach. Coki Beach is perfect if you're looking for a more lively experience and want to snorkel without swimming far out, and Brewers Bay is best known for the sea turtles that you can see from the sand. You can also take a short ferry over to Saint John, another of the Virgin Islands, and spend a day at Lime Out, a floating taco and margarita bar.
Spicemas - Grenada Carnival
Courtesy of Grenada Tourism Authority
Spicemas Dates: August 7, 2024 - August 14, 2024
Grenada, also known as the Spice Isle due to its production of a variety of spices, has one of the most anticipated carnivals every year. During Spicemas, revelers hit the streets for lively music, paint, oil, dancing, and good times. One of the most important aspects of Spicemas is Jab Jab, a celebration that involves covering one's body in black oil or paint. This tradition started as a post-emancipation masquerade, in which former enslaved Africans would paint themselves black emulating a “Jab” derived from the French word diable, which means devil.
This was a way of mocking their former masters and also represented rebellion and freedom. Since then, the tradition has evolved into a staple of Carnival on J’ouvert morning, a celebration of freedom, and undoubtedly an element that makes Grenada stand out from other Carnivals across the diaspora. Outside of J’ouvert, Spicemas is a beautiful culmination of colorful and vibrant costumes, steel band competitions, delicious rum, and music that you’ll dance to all night.
Grenada is celebrating 50 years of independence this year, so just know that Spicemas is going to be extra special!
Other things to do: For the ocean lovers, the Molinere Bay Underwater Sculpture Park is a must-see attraction. It is the world's first underwater sculpture park and a popular excursion for folks visiting the island. This year, five new installations are being added to the park, which can all be viewed through snorkeling, diving, or a glass bottom boat ride.
Antigua Carnival
Antigua Carnival Dates: July 31, 2024 - August 7, 2024
Every August, carnival lovers flock to the beautiful island of Antigua for its annual carnival festival. First celebrated in 1957, Antigua’s Carnival started as a celebration of emancipation from slavery and has since expanded into a dynamic showcase of local talent, music, and cultural pride. Some events to look forward to are the Party Monarch and Calypso Monarch competitions, as well as the Caribbean Queen’s Competition.
Antigua Carnival is an almost two-week extravaganza that leads into J’ouvert on Carnival Monday and the main parade on Carnival Tuesday. If you love good music, vibrant costumes, and delicious food, this is the carnival for you.
Other things to do: Take a trip to Shirley Heights Lookout for live music and breathtaking panoramic views of the coastline and ocean. And with 365 beaches in total, you’d be missing out if you didn’t fit in a few on your itinerary.
Bermuda Carnival
Bermuda Carnival Dates: June 12, 2024 - June 17, 2024
Also known as Heroes Weekend, Bermuda Carnival may be smaller than some of the other carnivals, but is still a great time. Bermuda is one of the newer carnivals, originating in 2015. Celebrated in June, this long weekend of festivities draws inspiration from other popular carnivals while also highlighting elements of Bermudian culture. You can expect some similar elements as other countries such as daily fetes, soca music, and a parade filled with different bands and extravagant costumes.
They also celebrate Bermuda’s National Heroes during carnival with a national feast. Bermudians have immense pride in their country and culture, and their carnival is the biggest celebration of the year that you don’t want to miss.
Other things to do: Take a day trip to Crystal and Fantasy Caves, beautiful caves formed over millions of years that you can take tours of. Spend a few hours taking in these beautiful natural wonders and seeing some of the formations and underground pools.
Saint Lucia Carnival
Saint Lucia Carnival Dates: July 10, 2024 - July 17, 2024
Home to some of the most beautiful mountains and beaches in the Caribbean, Saint Lucia has the perfect backdrop for an unforgettable carnival experience. Saint Lucia Carnival didn’t take flight until the late 1940s but has grown into a favorite for both novice and seasoned masqueraders. Formerly held in February, this carnival now kicks off in July which allows it not to compete with the highly revered Trinidadian carnival that also happens at that time. Saint Lucia’s Carnival has grown in popularity over the years because of the lively music, delicious food, and turned-up fetes.
One of the highlights is the Parade of the Bands, where masqueraders adorned in elaborate costumes dance through the streets to the rhythms of soca, calypso, and steelpan music. The best way to prepare for the Saint Lucia Carnival is to stay hydrated and well-fed so that you can thoroughly enjoy the plethora of events and parties happening from early morning to nightfall.
Other things to do:The Pitons, Gros Piton and Petit Piton are a UNESCO World Heritage Site and one of the main attractions in Saint Lucia. Take a hike of Gros Piton or just marvel at its natural beauty. If you're there on a Friday night, stop by the weekly Gros Islet Street Party, which is filled with music, drinks, and local food.
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Featured image courtesy of Grenada Tourism Authority