An Intimate Conversation With Iyanla Vanzant On Self-Love, Womanhood & Finding Your Purpose
OK, I'll admit that when I met with Iyanla Vanzant, I was trying to sneak in my own personal episode of Iyanla: Fix My Life disguised as an interview. Like many, I've admired her for years--watching her give advice to the emotionally battered and broken in an attempt to help them piece their lives back together. Even my own slew of bad dating experiences (when the right swipes weren't the right swipes) had me thumbing through the pages of her book, Faith in the Valley, seeking guidance from the renown spiritual leader on knowing my worth and not giving the wrong people my energy and attention.
You can't even fathom the way in which I cried off my mascara like a member of the BeyHive who had backstage passes at a Beyoncé concert. That's how I felt meeting Iyanla--she's my Beyoncé.
At the youthful age of 63, Iyanla has so many words of wisdom that every teen, twenty-something and thirty-something need to live by. Everything she says could be an Instagram quote that you “like," screenshot and save in a special folder on your phone when you need to post some subtle shade or words of encouragement. In short, she's who you run to when you need to get your life.
Iyanla is the true example of “pulling yourself up by the bootstraps." She was pregnant at age 16 and by 21 she was a wife and mother of three. After surviving an abusive marriage, she went on to Medgar Evers College as well as City University of New York School of Law. Having been a welfare recipient, she wrote a workbook for other women looking to leave the system and break away from abusive relationships. These personal stories helped her to land a book deal, which led to motivational speaking and guest appearances on the holy grail of talk shows, The Oprah Winfrey Show.
Iyanla is the definition of an overcomer--telling the story of going from making millions to being unemployed when her first talk show, Iyanla, was canceled during it's first season. As if that wasn't enough, the spiritual teacher then had to overcome the death of her daughter from cancer, which inspired one of her fifteen books, Peace from Broken Pieces.
There's only so much one person can handle! From death, divorce, poverty and even two suicide attempts, Iyanla has been through it all, and she's more than equipped to “fix" the lives of the guests she heals on her popular OWN series, which is now in it's sixth season.
I had a chance to sit down and chat with my “auntie in my head," and she gave amazing advice for setting your own standards. Here's what she had to say:
A lot of women feel pressured to have accomplished certain societal milestones like having a husband and kids by age 30, and if they've chosen to focus on their careers and don't have these things by 35 or even 40, they're made to feel that something is missing. Can you speak to living at your pace? And when you were in your 20s, did you feel any societal pressures?
It's so funny that women today feel they should have certain things at a certain age because I had everything very soon and I felt like I had missed out on so much of my life.
As women we grow through stages, and there's a transition from each stage of growth and development to the next. It doesn't matter what we're accomplishing in the world, what is it that each of us needs to heal through, grow through and be present through within ourselves? That's what's going to determine how we unfold and the pace of what we're doing is based on the choices that we make as women.
Iyanla with Karrueche Tran
How do women learn to be okay with being by ourselves and not needing the validation of a man?
Being by yourself is very different than being with yourself. “By Yourself" is when you feel the lack, the separation, and the deprivation of something or someone else. Being “with yourself" is when you're taking the time to get acquainted or reacquainted with who you are and the life that's flowing within you.
How your life unfolds is determined by the choices you make. I had three kids by the time I was 21, two at 19. I didn't want that, but I didn't make choices that would have kept me from being in that situation. I didn't get married because I wanted to, I got married because I grew up in a time where its bad enough to have one baby out of wedlock, how dare you have two? So let me marry the first 'Boo Boo the Clown' that comes through and wants me. Then I had to spend thousands of dollars to get out of that. It's all about choices and decisions and not allowing outside pressures to push you in a direction or make decisions that don't honor who you are. Not everyone wants to have a baby [mama] at 22 or even 28. I certainly didn't want to have one at 16, but I didn't make the right choices.
Culturally, one of the things that helped me when I was unfolding as a woman were my sister circles. There were four of us and we got together and talked. Two of us had kids, one of us was in college, and the other was as lost as a shoe, but we all supported each other through that. I would tell young women gather within your age group and have three or four sister friends. Come together not to pressure each other, but to share how you're doing and how you're feeling.
Because of social media and reality TV, there are so many more people being thrust into fame with no concept of the business aspects of the industry. Can you share what you wish you would have known earlier in your career about handling your finances?
I grew up in poverty and I was never taught how to manage money. I didn't know when I went to college or practiced law or sold my first book. Even after I made my first million dollars, what didn't change was the fact that I had never been taught to honor, respect and manage money. That's something you have to learn how to do.
You have to set it up where your money works for you, you don't work for it. I didn't know any of these things at the beginning of my career so I had to learn how to do it.
“Own your stuff" is one of your famous phrases. How do you “own" up to something that you know isn't good for you?
“Ownership" means that you stand in your truth of what you do, what you think, what you feel and how you do it. If a woman is battling with insecurity and doesn't think she's beautiful, she has to own her beauty. I've been through that. My big brother used to tell me I was ugly and I believed it until I was about 25. Then I said you know what, I think I'm just drop dead gorgeous and that's who I'm going to be by my own standards. I'm dark skin, I have Negroid lips, short hair, big boobs, a big butt, and I'm drop dead gorgeous, and I don't care if you don't like me! That's owning your beauty, not your ugly.
But own the stuff that you do to prove to other people that you're beautiful, that may be detrimental to you. Are you wearing revealing clothes? Do you have on three pairs of spanx instead of one? (Laughs!) Do you talk loudly in a room to draw attention to yourself? Own what you do to prove to other people that you're beautiful when you don't believe it; that's what owning your stuff means.
What would you say to yourself in your 20s, 30s and 40s that helped you be as confident and content with yourself now that you're 63?
I have to take it even further back to my teens. I would tell my teenage self, 'have fun, stop taking everything so seriously, and don't tie yourself down to anyone or anything unless it's moving you towards your vision.'
In my 20s: "What's your vision boo?"
You have to have a vision for yourself and for your life. It's not necessarily about what you're going to do, but who do you want to be as a woman? Having that vision will help pull you forward.
At 30: "Just do it and stop complaining."
The kids, the work, the babies, make time for yourself and just do it.
40s: "You have arrived!"
Because you're not really a woman 'til you're 40; everything else was busy work! Now you're getting ready to move into the fullness of who you are, pay attention because you matter. You're gonna sweat but you matter!
Now at 63, I feel like I'm 20. At 20, I thought I knew everything and at 63 I understand I don't know anything and I'm okay with that. When I see myself in my children and my grandchildren I say, 'you look good on other people,' they're doing what I taught them. And I don't have anything to prove to anybody so I can do what brings me joy. I'm no longer disturbed by the things people say about me, and the good news is I'll probably forget half of it anyway (laughs).
How do you find your purpose? When you speak of having a vision and having a plan, if you don't know what you want to do, how do you know what God is leading you to do?
Doing, working, and purpose are three different things.
Your purpose isn't for you; it's for other people. Teaching, healing, leading, loving, nurturing, those are "purposes," not “I'm going to be an engineer with a PhD from Harvard." That's work! You have to get clear about the difference. You've heard this saying before, "what would you do for the rest of your life for free?" What are you good at? What brings you joy that you would do whether or not you got paid for it? That's your purpose. Remember that your purpose and what you have to do to make a living may be two completely different things.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Playa del Carmen is the perfect vacation getaway for anyone who loves beautiful beaches, delicious food, and fun activities. Located on the Caribbean Sea side of Mexico, PDC is nestled right between the spring break hub Cancun and the growing hotspot Tulum. Oftentimes overlooked for some of the other popular cities, I found Playa del Carmen to have just as much in terms of vacation necessities, with a more local and authentic Mexican feel.
The Ultimate Guide to Playa del Carmen
Playa del Carmen is perfect for a solo traveler looking to spend a few days in paradise or the group chat that wants to hang on the beach all day and turn up at night. I found the area to have a little bit of everything for everyone, so here’s my guide on where to eat, stay, and play for the ultimate Playa del Carmen vacation.
Getting Around
The easiest way to get to Playa del Carmen is to fly into Cancun Airport and then make your way south. You can rent a car and drive the one hour down to PDC, take a taxi, or you can catch the ADO bus, which will cost you less than $40 roundtrip. Overall, Playa del Carmen is an easy and safe city to navigate. If you stay on or close to Quinta Avenida (5th Avenue), you’ll be within walking distance to a ton of stores, restaurants, and nightlife. Most taxi rides were between 100 and 150 pesos, which is less than $10 USD. Renting a car is also an option, but with things being very walkable and taxis being fairly inexpensive, it’s not a necessity. Another great way to get around is bikes, which you can rent to use throughout the city.
Stay
The Thompson Hotel is for the folks who know that where you stay on vacation absolutely does matter. This luxury property offers chic rooms and upscale suites, onsite restaurants, and a spa for those who are looking to pamper themselves. One of the standout features of this property is the rooftop infinity pool, which has 360-degree views of the city and is absolutely stunning. This is your type of hotel if you value immaculate views, delicious eats, prime location, and live DJs.
Grand Hyatt offers a prime beachfront location, while also being steps away from the mix on Quinta Avenida. I like that this property allows you to take in the calm beauty of the Caribbean, while also being in close proximity to the action within the city. You get both authentic Mexican food and some international fare at the resort restaurants, and this property also has an infinity pool that gives views of the ocean.
Airbnb
If you don’t have the funds to spend on a hotel stay, but still want clean and comfortable accommodations, do not overlook Airbnb. You can find super reasonably priced apartments close to the strip that will leave you in the heart of all the action. Many of these buildings feature 24-hour security, infinity pools, top-notch gyms, and rooftop bars. This is a great way to save some money, while not sacrificing the quality of the accommodations you like.
Eat
One of the best parts of being near the Caribbean Sea is having access to fresh seafood, and Ictio Fish House is the place to go for it. Located just a block off of the 5th Avenida strip, this small seafood restaurant is a quieter change compared to some of the busier and more touristy restaurants located directly on the strip. They have both indoor and outdoor seating available, but if you can snag a spot at the bar, the service is top notch and you can watch the bartender put together your craft cocktail.
Everything they serve is delicious and tastes authentic, so you really can't go wrong when ordering. But to start, the crispy jumbo shrimp and calamari are perfect for sharing. Other must-try dishes are the garlic butter catch of the day and the adobo-styled octopus.
El Fogon
Ask anyone for a recommendation for the best tacos in Playa del Carmen, and I promise you they will point you to El Fogon. You know a spot is good when it’s filled with just as many locals as tourists, and there’s a line outside at 1 p.m. This no-frills spot serves up authentic Mexican favorites like el pastor tacos, chicken quesadillas, guacamole, and margaritas. Every dish comes with the fixings and is not only super filling but extremely affordable. You can easily get a full meal and a drink for less than $20 USD. They have more than one location, so you can taste some of their delicious tacos no matter what part of PDC you stay in.
L&L by Lara&Luca
Before you hit the beach for day drinking, you need a hearty breakfast from L&L to start your day. This cute cafe is the smaller “sister” restaurant to Lara&Luca, another popular breakfast and lunch cafe in Playa. I liked that L&L is less busy and more laid back than the other location. They serve up typical breakfast and lunch items such as eggs, coffee, sandwiches, and French toast.
My favorite item was the ham and cheese croissant, which could be enjoyed on their outdoor seating or taken to enjoy on the go. They also have yummy pastries, but these sell out quickly, so be sure to go early.
El Pirata
If you’re a fried fish lover like me and appreciate sea-to-table service, El Pirata is the place to go. This restaurant is tucked away towards the end of the main 5th Avenida strip, so you might miss it if you aren’t looking for it. The restaurant serves up a plethora of tasty dishes like fresh ceviche, garlic shrimp, and shrimp empanadas, and has a full beverage menu for your libation needs. However, the fried fish is truly the star of the show.
When you order, they bring to your table a few of the fresh fish that were caught that day and allow you to choose which lucky one you want them to fry for you. And let me tell you, picking your own fried fish just hits different! It was one of my favorite meals in Playa del Carmen.
Play
Food Tour
There are so many delicious places to eat in Playa del Carmen so taking a local food tour is the best way to try a little bit of everything. I love taking food tours when I travel because not only is it a great way to try a range of different local dishes, but the tour guides usually give you a history lesson during the tour where you learn more about the history of certain dishes and the country as a whole. In Playa Del Carmen, I took a local food tour with GetYourGuide, where we stopped at several different locations for tacos, fresh fruit juice, tamales, and more.
I value it when there’s a local leading the tour because it’s a way to support the locals and also learn things that only people native to the location would know. While we walked, the guide shared a lot of insight about Mexico and Playa del Carmen, while giving recommendations for places to eat during our trip.
Cenotes
Cenotes are natural sinkholes or underground caverns that have pools of water in which you can explore, dive, and swim in. You will find cenotes all around Mexico, but there are several in the Playa del Carmen region. Cenotes vary in size and also the depth of water, so even if you don’t know how to swim, you can find a cenote to explore at your own comfort level. Two beautiful cenotes you can explore near PDC are Cenote Azul and Cenote Dos Ojos.
Cenote Azul is perfect for snorkeling because of the crystal clear waters that allow you to see the colorful fish and plant life underneath. Cenote Dos Ojos is perfect for explorers due to the mesmerizing underground caverns and rock formations throughout. You can take a trip to the cenotes on your own or book a tour that may take you to several different cenotes.
Beaches
Playa Del Carmen has some of the most beautiful beaches in the Caribbean, so beach hopping is a must while vacationing in the area. Whether you want a chill, relaxing beach day or you are thinking of jet skiing on the blue waters, there is a beach for you. There are several beaches along the coast of Playa del Carmen, some that are within walking distance of most hotels, and others that you may need to travel to get to but are totally worth it.
Playa Mamitas is one of the most popular beaches in PDC due to its location near the heart of the city, and also because of the crystal clear waters and white sand. Playa Mamitas is also a great spot for entertainment and the occasional beach party for the folks wanting to turn up. Playacar Beach is another great option that is located in the upscale Playacar neighborhood, south of downtown Playa del Carmen.
It is known for its pristine beauty and laid-back atmosphere, making it a popular destination for travelers seeking relaxation and seclusion. Other beaches to consider are Punta Esmeralda and Xpu-ha Beach, so you’ll have an option for every day of your trip, depending on your mood.
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