I Am 32 And Have Traveled To 70 Countries
One of the biggest concerns for people who haven't had the opportunity to travel abroad is that they don't think they can afford to, and Oneika who has traveled to over 70 countries has advice that is simple: Sacrifice a few pricey items and materialistic things so that you can experience moments and memories that will last a lifetime.
Playing Mas in the Caribana parade, Toronto, Canada
Dear Necole,
My name is Oneika and my not-so-secret secret is that I'm a travel addict. At the ripe old age of 32 I have traveled to 70 countries on 6 different continents and have lived and worked in France, England, Mexico, and Hong Kong. For too long people have thought that Black folks don't travel. We are out here! Thank you for using your platform to show our people that they can and should go out and see the world.
To be honest, the travel bug bit me a bit late. As a bookworm-ish kid growing up in Toronto, Canada, travel was the furthest thing from my mind. Not to say that I didn't travel at all-- my parents are Jamaican, so we made trips back to the island and also visited family living in various cities in the U.S. But I always felt like trips to faraway destinations like China, Argentina, and South Africa were largely out of my reach. After all, I never saw or heard of anyone who looked like me doing stuff like that, and the books I devoured in my youth rarely featured characters- never mind travelers- who were Black .
Luckily, things changed when I got to college. I remember making friends with two very nice Black girls and discovering that they were heading to Spain and Morocco for Spring Break. I was like, "What?! You can do that?" Flabbergasted, I was immediately forced to challenge my foolish subconscious belief that "we" couldn't travel to places like that. After doing away with such a foolish notion, I applied for, and was accepted to, a year-long study abroad in Nantes, France during my junior year.
It was a life-altering experience: I met people in my dorm who came from countries I never knew existed (Comoros and Chad and Algeria-- former French colonies), and backpacked in Spain and Morocco, just like my two girlfriends had done during Spring Break the year before. A seed had been planted and I was hooked on travel.
The rest, they say, is history. After my study abroad, I knew I was destined for a life on the road. I plotted and schemed and realized that I could sustain myself by teaching abroad. The first year, I moved back to France and taught English as a Foreign Language on the French Riviera; after that, I got a elementary/secondary state teaching credential that allowed me to teach high school English Lit and French in private schools in Mexico, London, England, and Hong Kong, where I am currently working and writing this email from.
Running with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain.
At the Atacama Desert in Chile
The Atacama Desert, Chile
Travel has been transformative for me and has helped me to learn so much about the world and myself. As a teacher I have over three months of paid vacation every year and I travel during every single break! I have gone on safari in Tanzania, seen the pyramids in Egypt, and taken selfies before majestic sights like Machu Picchu in Peru and the Sydney Opera House in Australia.
I have been to the Taj Mahal at dawn, eaten with locals in Guatemala, and walked along a stretch of the Great Wall of China. I've gone to a dancehall reggae club in Tokyo and run with the bulls in Spain; I've traveled with my mom to Rome and Berlin (she is always up for globetrotting with me!) and even met my husband while teaching in Hong Kong. I have also travelled solo in Chile and Mexico and Belgium, amongst other places. All in all, I have gone through 5 passports and have an infinite amount of memories (and pictures) from these years of travel.
A few of my tips:
- Prioritize your spending. You say you can't afford to travel internationally, but those Louboutins you just bought could have scored you a plane ticket to London. That night out at the club popping bottles? Equivalent to a week of accommodation in Brazil. Point is, you probably *do* have the money for travel, you're just spending it on other things. Monitor your outgoings and allocate savings for your dream trip.
- Travel for less and on someone else's dime. Websites like ThePointsGuy.com help you to accrue and use air miles so you can travel smarter and cheaper. Programs like Vaughn Town and Pueblo Ingles provide free room and board in Spain in exchange for conversing in English with Spaniards eager to learn. There are many ways to make travel more affordable, you just have to look and get creative!
Hanging with Buddhist monks in Bagan, Myanmar
- Seek opportunities to live abroad. If you're still in school, study abroad programs are a great way to facilitate your first international experience, and many of them offer scholarships. If you're finished school, look into programs like the Peace Corps -- they have 3-24 month volunteer opportunities worldwide. Need to make money? Think about getting into teaching. If you're not already a primary or secondary teacher in the U.S., consider getting a TEFL/TESL certification that will allow you to teach English abroad. Already comfortable in your career and hate teaching? Ask your job for a short-term international transfer.
- Just go. Don't let the opportunity to travel pass you by. Don't wait for friends to jump on that plane, train, or automobile with you. Solo travel is sexy: you can do what you want, when you want, and on your own terms. Web-based forums like Couchsurfing have also made it easier to connect with locals when you get to your destination as well. So you're never really alone unless you want to be.
Anyway, I've rambled enough. Bottom line: getting hooked on travel is hands down the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't imagine life without it now!
Thanks again for allowing me to share my story! I've attached some photos of my travels. I write a blog called Oneika the Traveller (www.oneika-the-traveller.com) that chronicles my adventures abroad as well as my tips and tricks for travel. :-)
Best,
Inkier
Bali, Indonesia
Machu Picchu, Peru
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?
German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” At close to two decades of working with married couples, I agree with this man 1000 percent. It’s actually the main motivation for why I once penned, “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?” because, the reality is, if you’re not friends with the person who you vowed to share every aspect of your life with, for the rest of your life, it’s going to be very difficult (if not damn near impossible) to honor that level of commitment. Without question, I will now and forever die on the hill that if you like your partner, you can make it through the not-so-in-love-right-now moments. Vice versa? Eh…not so much.
A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
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Featured image by jose carlos cerdeno martinez/Getty Images