How To Raise A Child With An Ex Lover
My ex-husband and I started out as best friends.
Then accidental lovers.
Then we were obsessed with each other for a while.
We got married, we fought like dogs, we ended and got back together, and then ended one last time.
That's the short version of our story. All lovers have a story, and like a quilt it's made up of scraps and pieces of things that once had so much meaning. Lovers come and go. Sometimes the thought of them chills you, sometimes it warms you — reminds you of your youth or your stupidity or your frivolity.
Sometimes you make a baby with your lover. And when you do, the two of you are bound together in a way that will sometimes feel like a cruel joke and like the only family you actually have. Because two things happen when you make a permanent decision with a temporary person:
You realize that life will not soften itself for you. And you realize that everything you ever did together left a mark.
If you want to rub salt in your ex-lover's wounds, this probably isn't the article for you to read. If you aren't ready to embrace the cardinal rule of parenthood (that it's hard and not really about you), this probably isn't the article for you to read.
I'm writing this for those of us who are trying to get it together. We're trying to be parents and people at the same time, trying to raise kids that won't grow up feeling like they missed out on something. We, the jugglers of glass balls, have no road map for this.
But I have learned a few things along the way.
Healing Is Messy
No breakup is mutual.
Let me repeat.
No. Break up. Is. Mutual.
One of you is hurt more than the other. Even when breaking up was the only logical outcome. And hurting while trying to raise children is like drowning while you blow up a life vest.
If you want to build a healthy, sustainable, long-lasting relationship with the only other person in the world who loves your kid as much as you do — then you will both have to heal.
Healing from a break up requires space. Be ok with that. Let the scrapes and cuts touch some fresh clean air, un-muddled by each other's presence. Be ok with a little bit of silence, be ok with having a few strained conversations consisting of only “kid stuff", be ok with someone who once looked at you like you were made of silk starting to avoid eye contact altogether.
Be ok with these things and they will pass.
Your relationship is going to get better. It's ok that you don't like each other right now. Stay kind, stay as supportive as possible — but you are not best friends right now.
And that's ok.
Establish Boundaries
Someone once told me that she had to get to know her ex-husband as a new person after they divorced. There is an unlearning process that happens when two people are forced to move on. Some topics may no longer be your business anymore. I remember biting my tongue when my ex told me he was going to be busy Saturday night.
Was it a date? Did she meet my son? Was it serious?
I felt entitled to the answers to the questions that popped up in my mind. But his Saturday night activities were no longer my business. For a while, we kept our conversations to our son's tuition, clothes he needed, funny things he said or did. Eventually, we started laughing at old inside jokes again and feeling like friends again. But that came after almost a year of learning things the hard way.
Your ex-lover doesn't need to know who you're dating. They don't need to know where you're going. They don't need to know anything that may lead to an uncomfortable conversation. You're entitled to your privacy, and so are they.
Don't blur lines with your co-parent. Don't exist in a tangle of comfort zones. Parenthood is hard, lonely sometimes — especially when you're single. Especially when you're healing. But do the hard shit.
Break up. Move on. Be separate people.
Have Some Respect
I once had a completely ignorant and highly disrespectful argument with my son's father. Later that same day I told our son how Daddy used to be a pro skateboarder and how cool he is for always following his dreams. In my mind exist two people. The man I fell in love with, saw magic in and had a child with. And the guy I sometimes want to set on fire.
My son is only privy to one of those people. The dope one. Because our marriage along with it's crash and burn is our business — his and mine. Not our son's. We keep our occasional 'hatred' to ourselves and leave the beautiful bits for our offspring to sort through.
Let your children know they come from beauty. Because your roots will always have an impact on how far you feel entitled to grow.
Please Get Laid
You might need a few months or even a year before you're really ready to move on with someone new. And couple that with being a single parent — who has time to date?
Find the time.
Move on. Find a handsome, exciting man or a gorgeous, amazing woman, and go have fun. Put some effort into a new love. Or a new 'Netflix & Chill' buddy. Because putting effort towards a love life also translates into putting effort into yourself. Take all those lessons you learned from your previous situation and be better for someone new. Get laid, get lost on your kid-free weekend, feel sexy, dance in the darkness, go kiss someone who thinks you fart strawberry-scented unicorn dust.
Don't be one of those people stuck on punishing themselves because of their last 'failed' love. No love is a failure. You're seasoned now, that's all.
So go be spicy.
And please. Please. Get laid.
Get To Know Each Other's Partners
You can be mad about it all you want. But that man or woman you no longer want to be with is your family. But it's complicated when you have to simultaneously push them away and at the same time — embrace them more than anyone in your life.
Still, they are and will always be your family. Their new partners…also your family now. Be respectful of each other's new partners, embrace new partners.
At the center of this amalgamated family are children who deserve to look around their various spaces and see a community of grown-ups who are helping them thrive.
Pick a day per week or a day per quarter — but make it consistent. Plan a road trip or a museum day or go see a movie. Spend time as a family, stay engaged, keep it light and keep it fun.
There is no dusting off of the hands and walking away here. Settle in.
Enjoy (Spoil) Your Kid
There's a good chance that if you call me on a random Friday night I won't pick up. Not because I'm out with the girls or on a hot date, but because I'm in bed with popcorn, my 3 year old, his stuffed elephant (named “Monkey") and a marathon of kids movies.
I have kept my son home from preschool on a random Tuesday, called off meetings and cleared my schedule just to go lay on a beach with him and build sand turtles.
Sometimes we go get on rides at the kid's park after school when I should be running errands. When he asks me for a new Hot Wheels car at Target even though we're only there to get cheese and body wash, I always say yes.
His dad and I plot on gifts for him. We let him ball out a little more often than we did when we were together. I'm sure child-rearing experts will say spoiling your kids to make up for family changes is irresponsible.
But if something creates a joyful experience in your child's life — you do it. And you do it as often as you possibly can. I'm not saying let your well-mannered child morph into an asshole because he no longer has boundaries…
…But, like, let him eat cake.
Utilize The Internet
Technology is a beautiful thing. I embrace it fully when it comes to raising kids in two households. It makes things easier and it makes things interesting.
Here are a few co-parenting life hacks:
Digital Diary
Set up a free gmail account for your kid (i.e. “mykidsname@gmail.com") and make it a point to create an email diary together. Both of you can send emails with stories or quick thoughts as you observe your child growing up from two separate perspectives. Throw in photos, voice messages, videos — whatever.
Give your kid the password when they turn 18.
Skype, Hangout, FaceTime — Always
My son's father is in New York. We're in California. But, thanks to FaceTime, his father is still part of bed time. He's part of our drive to school in the morning. Our son hears us talk about work, how he's doing in preschool, bills. He doesn't understand the complicated bits, but he knows Daddy and Mommy still laugh together, still care about each other and still remain on the same team. If you can't have traditional interactions, create new traditions.
Remember They Have Apps For Everything
Who has the kid on which days? Can we switch, I have a thing that night. Who's paying for next month's co-pay? What's your social again?
Get organized and stay on top of stuff. Don't always be the parent who forgot to bring the cupcakes. They have apps for everything now. Apps like 2houses and Ailmentor offer solutions for managing child-related finances, medical records, custody calendars, and more. Download and do better.
A Few Final Words of Encouragement
If you're like me you probably beat yourself up on occasion. You tell yourself you messed up, you should have tried harder, you should have been more mindful. I have a moment at least once a month in which I almost convince myself that I'm completely ruining my child.
But I'm not. And neither are you.
You're amazing. If you clicked on this you probably click on a lot of parenting articles and that makes you even more amazing. Stay open to the possibility that this is the exact journey you (and your child) are meant to be on. That this — the mess, the pain, the weirdness — is beautiful. Beauty isn't perfection. Beauty is grace. Accept yourself as much as possible, because raising kids isn't easy and it comes with a rainfall of bad advice and people who may convince you that you are doing it wrong.
But you're not. And neither am I.
Your ex-lover is a beautiful person. Don't convince yourself that they aren't as a way of rationalizing why it didn't work. Things don't work sometimes and often the reason why is hard to put your finger on. But the subtleties of life are just as important as the flashing lights.
So embrace the fact that your ex is your ex.
Acknowledge the fact that, despite the breakup, you're forever bound.
Seek the grace that exists between holding on and letting go.
Dance in the awkwardness to come. Smile. Love yourself and every dumb decision you have ever made.
This is life now, kiddo. Welcome to adulting.
Ashley Simpo is a writer, mother and advocate for self-care and healthy relationships. She lives in Brooklyn, NY. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @ashleysimpo. Check out her work and her musings on ashleysimpocreative.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
____
Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images