How To Raise A Child With An Ex Lover
My ex-husband and I started out as best friends.
Then accidental lovers.
Then we were obsessed with each other for a while.
We got married, we fought like dogs, we ended and got back together, and then ended one last time.
That's the short version of our story. All lovers have a story, and like a quilt it's made up of scraps and pieces of things that once had so much meaning. Lovers come and go. Sometimes the thought of them chills you, sometimes it warms you — reminds you of your youth or your stupidity or your frivolity.
Sometimes you make a baby with your lover. And when you do, the two of you are bound together in a way that will sometimes feel like a cruel joke and like the only family you actually have. Because two things happen when you make a permanent decision with a temporary person:
You realize that life will not soften itself for you. And you realize that everything you ever did together left a mark.
If you want to rub salt in your ex-lover's wounds, this probably isn't the article for you to read. If you aren't ready to embrace the cardinal rule of parenthood (that it's hard and not really about you), this probably isn't the article for you to read.
I'm writing this for those of us who are trying to get it together. We're trying to be parents and people at the same time, trying to raise kids that won't grow up feeling like they missed out on something. We, the jugglers of glass balls, have no road map for this.
But I have learned a few things along the way.
Healing Is Messy
No breakup is mutual.
Let me repeat.
No. Break up. Is. Mutual.
One of you is hurt more than the other. Even when breaking up was the only logical outcome. And hurting while trying to raise children is like drowning while you blow up a life vest.
If you want to build a healthy, sustainable, long-lasting relationship with the only other person in the world who loves your kid as much as you do — then you will both have to heal.
Healing from a break up requires space. Be ok with that. Let the scrapes and cuts touch some fresh clean air, un-muddled by each other's presence. Be ok with a little bit of silence, be ok with having a few strained conversations consisting of only “kid stuff", be ok with someone who once looked at you like you were made of silk starting to avoid eye contact altogether.
Be ok with these things and they will pass.
Your relationship is going to get better. It's ok that you don't like each other right now. Stay kind, stay as supportive as possible — but you are not best friends right now.
And that's ok.
Establish Boundaries
Someone once told me that she had to get to know her ex-husband as a new person after they divorced. There is an unlearning process that happens when two people are forced to move on. Some topics may no longer be your business anymore. I remember biting my tongue when my ex told me he was going to be busy Saturday night.
Was it a date? Did she meet my son? Was it serious?
I felt entitled to the answers to the questions that popped up in my mind. But his Saturday night activities were no longer my business. For a while, we kept our conversations to our son's tuition, clothes he needed, funny things he said or did. Eventually, we started laughing at old inside jokes again and feeling like friends again. But that came after almost a year of learning things the hard way.
Your ex-lover doesn't need to know who you're dating. They don't need to know where you're going. They don't need to know anything that may lead to an uncomfortable conversation. You're entitled to your privacy, and so are they.
Don't blur lines with your co-parent. Don't exist in a tangle of comfort zones. Parenthood is hard, lonely sometimes — especially when you're single. Especially when you're healing. But do the hard shit.
Break up. Move on. Be separate people.
Have Some Respect
I once had a completely ignorant and highly disrespectful argument with my son's father. Later that same day I told our son how Daddy used to be a pro skateboarder and how cool he is for always following his dreams. In my mind exist two people. The man I fell in love with, saw magic in and had a child with. And the guy I sometimes want to set on fire.
My son is only privy to one of those people. The dope one. Because our marriage along with it's crash and burn is our business — his and mine. Not our son's. We keep our occasional 'hatred' to ourselves and leave the beautiful bits for our offspring to sort through.
Let your children know they come from beauty. Because your roots will always have an impact on how far you feel entitled to grow.
Please Get Laid
You might need a few months or even a year before you're really ready to move on with someone new. And couple that with being a single parent — who has time to date?
Find the time.
Move on. Find a handsome, exciting man or a gorgeous, amazing woman, and go have fun. Put some effort into a new love. Or a new 'Netflix & Chill' buddy. Because putting effort towards a love life also translates into putting effort into yourself. Take all those lessons you learned from your previous situation and be better for someone new. Get laid, get lost on your kid-free weekend, feel sexy, dance in the darkness, go kiss someone who thinks you fart strawberry-scented unicorn dust.
Don't be one of those people stuck on punishing themselves because of their last 'failed' love. No love is a failure. You're seasoned now, that's all.
So go be spicy.
And please. Please. Get laid.
Get To Know Each Other's Partners
You can be mad about it all you want. But that man or woman you no longer want to be with is your family. But it's complicated when you have to simultaneously push them away and at the same time — embrace them more than anyone in your life.
Still, they are and will always be your family. Their new partners…also your family now. Be respectful of each other's new partners, embrace new partners.
At the center of this amalgamated family are children who deserve to look around their various spaces and see a community of grown-ups who are helping them thrive.
Pick a day per week or a day per quarter — but make it consistent. Plan a road trip or a museum day or go see a movie. Spend time as a family, stay engaged, keep it light and keep it fun.
There is no dusting off of the hands and walking away here. Settle in.
Enjoy (Spoil) Your Kid
There's a good chance that if you call me on a random Friday night I won't pick up. Not because I'm out with the girls or on a hot date, but because I'm in bed with popcorn, my 3 year old, his stuffed elephant (named “Monkey") and a marathon of kids movies.
I have kept my son home from preschool on a random Tuesday, called off meetings and cleared my schedule just to go lay on a beach with him and build sand turtles.
Sometimes we go get on rides at the kid's park after school when I should be running errands. When he asks me for a new Hot Wheels car at Target even though we're only there to get cheese and body wash, I always say yes.
His dad and I plot on gifts for him. We let him ball out a little more often than we did when we were together. I'm sure child-rearing experts will say spoiling your kids to make up for family changes is irresponsible.
But if something creates a joyful experience in your child's life — you do it. And you do it as often as you possibly can. I'm not saying let your well-mannered child morph into an asshole because he no longer has boundaries…
…But, like, let him eat cake.
Utilize The Internet
Technology is a beautiful thing. I embrace it fully when it comes to raising kids in two households. It makes things easier and it makes things interesting.
Here are a few co-parenting life hacks:
Digital Diary
Set up a free gmail account for your kid (i.e. “mykidsname@gmail.com") and make it a point to create an email diary together. Both of you can send emails with stories or quick thoughts as you observe your child growing up from two separate perspectives. Throw in photos, voice messages, videos — whatever.
Give your kid the password when they turn 18.
Skype, Hangout, FaceTime — Always
My son's father is in New York. We're in California. But, thanks to FaceTime, his father is still part of bed time. He's part of our drive to school in the morning. Our son hears us talk about work, how he's doing in preschool, bills. He doesn't understand the complicated bits, but he knows Daddy and Mommy still laugh together, still care about each other and still remain on the same team. If you can't have traditional interactions, create new traditions.
Remember They Have Apps For Everything
Who has the kid on which days? Can we switch, I have a thing that night. Who's paying for next month's co-pay? What's your social again?
Get organized and stay on top of stuff. Don't always be the parent who forgot to bring the cupcakes. They have apps for everything now. Apps like 2houses and Ailmentor offer solutions for managing child-related finances, medical records, custody calendars, and more. Download and do better.
A Few Final Words of Encouragement
If you're like me you probably beat yourself up on occasion. You tell yourself you messed up, you should have tried harder, you should have been more mindful. I have a moment at least once a month in which I almost convince myself that I'm completely ruining my child.
But I'm not. And neither are you.
You're amazing. If you clicked on this you probably click on a lot of parenting articles and that makes you even more amazing. Stay open to the possibility that this is the exact journey you (and your child) are meant to be on. That this — the mess, the pain, the weirdness — is beautiful. Beauty isn't perfection. Beauty is grace. Accept yourself as much as possible, because raising kids isn't easy and it comes with a rainfall of bad advice and people who may convince you that you are doing it wrong.
But you're not. And neither am I.
Your ex-lover is a beautiful person. Don't convince yourself that they aren't as a way of rationalizing why it didn't work. Things don't work sometimes and often the reason why is hard to put your finger on. But the subtleties of life are just as important as the flashing lights.
So embrace the fact that your ex is your ex.
Acknowledge the fact that, despite the breakup, you're forever bound.
Seek the grace that exists between holding on and letting go.
Dance in the awkwardness to come. Smile. Love yourself and every dumb decision you have ever made.
This is life now, kiddo. Welcome to adulting.
Ashley Simpo is a writer, mother and advocate for self-care and healthy relationships. She lives in Brooklyn, NY. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @ashleysimpo. Check out her work and her musings on ashleysimpocreative.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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ItGirl 100: Get To Know Some Of The Most Inspiring And Empowering Women On Our List
The ItGirl 100 List, in partnership with Hyundai, is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
We often see lists featuring amazing women who are seasoned in this thing called life, and our ItGirl 100 List gives flowers to the people they’ve passed the torch to: young millennial and Gen Z women who are innovating and disrupting in today’s world of advancement.
xoNecole has partnered with Hyundai for its inaugural ItGirl 100 List to give these women their flowers today. It’s a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who have built their own tables, launched new businesses, and redefined what it truly means to be blessed, booked, and busy.
Here’s a snapshot of fun facts from a few of the women listed on the ItGirl 100, representing the East, West, Midwest, and South:
EAST
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DJ 9AM: DJ & Curator
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "On My Mama" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Nia Long
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Taurus Moon, Pisces Rising
Favoring open-format, multi-genre mixes, this DJ has created a winning reputation for rocking a crowd with seamless transitions and selections, always representing Southwest musical and cultural influences.
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Tiffany James, Founder, Modern BLK Girl
Representing:Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Lucky Girl" by Carlina
Favorite OG It Girl:Naomi Campbell
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Virgo Rising
Modern BLK Girl is one of the leading investment groups among women of color, and the founder serves as an avid investor, community builder, and advocate. Tiffany James is also a mentor, utilizing her unique combination of financial and fashion expertise.
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Kat Mateo, Casting Director
Representing: New Jersey
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Princess Going Digital" by Amaarae
Favorite OG It Girl: Kelis, Eve, Lil Kim
Zodiac Big Three: Aries Sun, Cancer Moon, Cancer Rising
Thriving as a casting director and stylist, Kat Mateo offers a unique point of view that has shaped New York Fashion Week shows, ad campaigns, and editorials. She has also been a major contributor to cultural conversations related to fashion and inclusivity.
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Denise Stephanie Hewitt, Photographer
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Experience" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Hannah Montana
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Aquarius Moon, Aquarius Rising
This Gordon Parks Foundation scholar is a full-time student who has been working to expand her freelance career in photography. Denise is also been featured among Essence'sinaugural list of "Top 10 Creators Under 30," for her unique aesthetics and perceptions through her art.
WEST
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Nayamka Roberts-Smith, Aesthetician
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Tomorrow 2" by GloRilla & Cardi B
Favorite OG It Girl: Meagan Good
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Capricorn Rising
Nayamka Roberts-Smith is an award-winning professional in the skincare industry and serves as an educator, offering knowledge on beauty culture. She also is a well-sought-after speaker on beauty and women’s issues, with a following of more than 1 million on social.
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Desiree L. Talley, Esq., Vice President, Legal & Business Affairs, Revolt TV
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice" by The Carters
Favorite OG It Girl: Issa Rae
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Scorpio Moon, Cancer Rising
An attorney and storyteller, Desiree L. Talley meshes relatability with her legal smarts for the culture. She advocates for cultural advancement and societal change through her POPLAW Podcast while balancing her executive duties at Revolt TV.
Marley Rae
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Marley Rae, Organizer, WalkGood
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice For What" by Drake
Favorite OG It Girl: Mariah Carey
Zodiac Big Three: Capricorn Sun, Taurus Moon, Leo Rising
Marley Rae is a Nike Athlete, certified yoga instructor, COO, and Director of Health and Wellness for WalkGood LA, a family-founded non-profit organization. She is dedicated to fostering understanding and care in local and global communities.
MIDWEST
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Shawnee Dez
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "FreeBody Freestyle" by Shawnee Dez
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Morrison
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Aquarius Moon, Cancer Rising
Shawnee Dez is an artist who's all about captivating her audience through encouragement and empowerment. Her music features fluid harmonic layering, live instrumentation fused with digital production, and her unique multi-talented voice in an alto melodic tone.
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Bianca Pastel, Visual Artist
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: Anything by Whitney Houston
Favorite OG It Girl: Grace Jones
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Leo Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Bianca Pastel's artistic portfolio includes fine art, illustrations, and animation, and she's worked with clients including Disney Pixar, and the NFL, to name a few. Her focus is "empowering the experience of being a Black child and dealing with mental health issues."
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Donyale Walton, Founder, Hoop Mobb
Representing: Detroit
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Yeah I Said It" by Rihanna
Favorite OG It Girl: Aaliyah
Zodiac Big Three: Virgo Sun, Libra Moon, Capricorn Rising
Donyale Walton's brand Hoop Mobb, celebrates the Black and Brown fashion and cultural impact and presence of hoop earrings. It's grown to earn more than seven figures in annual revenue and a nationwide community of loyal consumers.
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Ticara Devone, Content Creator
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "She's a Bitch" by Missy Elliott
Favorite OG It Girl: Ananda Lewis
The Zodiac Big Three: Libra Sun, Taurus Moon, Virgo Rising
A trusted sneaker enthusiast and content creator, Ticara Devone uses dynamic storytelling to hold space for others with a passion for sneakers. A published writer, she’s worked with brands including Nike and Footlocker and inspires us all by ensuring women are vocal and seen in the multi-billion dollar shoe space.
SOUTH
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AllyiahsFace, Content Creator
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Go Off" Doja Cat
Favorite OG It Girl: Gabrielle Union and Halle Berry
Zodiac Big Three: Gemini Sun, Leo Moon, Scorpio Rising
AllyiahsFace's YouTube channel has more than 830,000 subscribers, and she's been hitting the ground running since 2015. Her content creation, which centers on beauty, fashion, and lifestyle, has led to a lucrative career and drawn a close-knit social and real-life community to view and be inspired.
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Jaycina, Executive Director, Tender
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "All I Got" by Amel Larrieux
Favorite OG It Girl:Tracee Ellis Ross
Zodiac Big Three: Leo Sun, Sagittarius Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Jaycina is a signed model with a nonprofit that works to provide support and community for single mothers in Atlanta. She's also appeared in campaigns for brands including Fenty and GAP as well as features in all your favorite magazines and on billboards across the country.
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Asha Christian, Founder, Coily App
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "It's My Life" by Mariah Carey
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Childs (Girlfriends)
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Leo Rising
Asha Christian created Coily to provide beauty recommendations utilizing social data. It offers a more personalized, AI-driven experience for users and part of her mission is to provide solutions related to diversity and put the focus back on the consumer. Meshing tech and culture, Christian is innovating with options that exemplify the Black girl magic needed in tech.
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